Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex is should stop calling children "son", not by first name?

87 replies

layercake9 · 14/11/2016 21:28

My ex has been constantly referring to both ds1 and ds2 as "son" instead of by their first names. It just doesn't sound right. Years ago he would call them by their first names, which are really lovely names, but for the past 3-4 years he insists on calling them both "son". It's as if he has completely forgotten their names or the fact that we named them the day they were born.

He sees them every 2 weekends and in between visits we'd facetime him regularly, so I often hear the following cringeworthy lines:

How are you, son? Let's go, son. Please eat your dinner, son. Please turn the telly off son. Please do your homework SON. Well done SON. Shall we go to the park, SON? Goodnight SON. Bye bye SON. SON SON SON.

When either of our ds's takes part in a race or sporting competition, the ex would bellow across the field, "Come on SON!!! You can do it SON!! Well done SON!!! Keep going SON!!! I'm so proud of you SON!!!" Everyone would stare at him in disbelief.

ds1 and ds2 have cried many times over this because they feel it is so embarrassing.

I've asked him politely to call them by their first names but his argument is that since it is considered unacceptable for children to call their parents by their firstname, he thinks he should therefore call them "son". What a strange theory.

I searched online for forums or discussions about this but simply couldn't find any related topic. Instead, there are thousands of articles on how children should not call their parents by their first names.

AIBU? Is it normal for parents to call their sons, "son". And what if we had a daughter? Would he call her, "daughter"?

OP posts:
GruffaloPants · 15/11/2016 00:00

Sounds completely unremarkable to me, though his reasoning is odd. But then, he may have felt he had to justify himself. I can't believe it would attract attention, it's a common form of address.

BuggersMuddle · 15/11/2016 00:00

I'm still called hen, doll, wee hen, -hen by my dad. Whose dad (if he were still with us) would and did call my retired dad who has made big strides from his upbringing 'son' or 'name-son'. I'm in Scotland and this is pretty usual around here.

Hell our canteen staff call everyone from the mailroom runner to the CEO 'ma darlin' , 'ma love' or similar. I do know this is rather different, but surely it's easier to get them thinking it's a nice name all for them (fact?) rather than seeing them worry (because you are?)

GreatFuckability · 15/11/2016 00:00

I very rarely call my children by their actual names, thinking about it. They all have pet names that are particular to them, my son I call 'boy' most of the time. My girls have other slightly more ridiculous and possibly identifying names.
I think his theory is a bit bonkers, but Its not harmful ultimately.
I think yelling like a loon at sports day is the problem, rather than his use of the word son tbh.

Original poster
layercake9 · 15/11/2016 00:08

As a general rule and for the sake of our dss, my ex and I don't discuss any issues or disagreements in front of them. For eg we try to discuss when they're at school and we'd talk over the phone. I have never ever mentioned this issue to both ds.

After a few years of not hearing his dad calling him by his name, I suppose dss has had enough. After a weekend at his dad's recently, ds2 seemed upset about something. When asked, he told me why. So I talked to my ex about it. Nothing wrong with that.

Yes I finally got wound up after....4 years. About time Smile

Perhaps it is his choice of terms of endearment that doesn't sound right. I too have cute, loving and silly affectionate nicknames that I call my dss but I don't use it excessively. Having read all your posts, "Darling", "pet" or "baby bear" sounds much nicer than the label, "son".

OP posts:
Lollollollol · 15/11/2016 00:12

I'm in my fifties and I don't think I can remember my Dad ever using my first name. He likes it, he just doesn't use it. I get called a cutesy name that would suit a small fluffy animal.

The only thing I find weird is that your sons were crying about it. I wonder if they have picked up on it bothering you or maybe there overheard you asking him to stop? My DH still calls our adult sons 'wee men' which is both cringe'y and very inappropriate seeing as they are six foot four.

KarmaNoMore · 15/11/2016 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmyGardnersLBD · 15/11/2016 00:35

I think it's the excessive repetitive use of the one term that may be the issue here - XP uses a Germanic form of DS's name perpetually (think Ernst instead of Ernest) and it winds me up no end, but I've never said anything, as it would only make him do it more if he knew it irritated me.
It's probably the overly-loud attitude that makes surrounding people go Hmm. It's not so much that he's calling them 'son', but if he ONLY ever calls them 'son' (after all, if he's shouting out 'son' in crowds of other shouting parents, how are the ds's supposed to hear the cheer?) then yes, I'd be embarrassed if that were me as well. I haven't expressed that very well, but I'm knackered.
I don't think there's a massive amount you can do though, OP, and it's important that the ds's aren't reflecting your opinion, but if it's genuinely something they don't like, and is making them feel embarrassed or comfortable, then they need to take that up with their dad themselves, and just ask him not to, but that they'd prefer it if he used their names, because they're sometimes not sure who he's referring to?

Lweji · 15/11/2016 04:51

If they don't like it, could they start asking which son?
Or call him "father" in response?

That's the problem with the football calling, as there are many sons there. :)

OTOH, could this be some form of reinforcing the father-son bond, that he may have felt got broken after separation?

I'd have mentioned this to DS, and encouraged him to speak to his dad about it in a way that doesn't cause trouble. You still can.

SlottedSpoon · 15/11/2016 05:20

I really dislike this habit too, I think it sounds weirdly impersonal and stilted and forced. Besides which, you never hear anyone call their girl child 'daughter' in the same way. Confused

However, it is not uncommon at all for parents to do this to boys and although it would make me squirm I think you have to just let him get on with it. If your sons want him to stop then they should tell him themselves that they hate it.

SlottedSpoon · 15/11/2016 05:24

Also another thought - has be been doing this since you've been split, or did it start long before then? I am wondering if he does it to reinforce to them and to himself that he is their father, even though he doesn't live with them and only sees them a couple of times a fortnight.

Crisscrosscranky · 15/11/2016 05:38

My FIL calls DH 'boy' Smile

TheresAlwaysTimeForTea · 15/11/2016 05:54

Just wanted to add that where I'm from (Belfast) this is really common. My dad always called my brother 'Son' and me 'Love'. He wouldn't ever really use our names unless we were in trouble as it just felt too formal. My FIL is the same with DH (except he either calls him Son or Lad/Soft Lad - depending on context! They are Scouse! He calls me Duck.)

I don't think it's a big deal at all. More affectionate, family pet terms.

TheFuckitBuckit · 15/11/2016 06:22

Yes it's really common. Both my Nan and grandad called the men/boys "son" and the women/girls "pet" in our family. My dad also calls ds's son and dd pet. Dfil also uses "son"

Where we live you quite often hear "son" amongst the men when talking to someone younger than them. I like it and see it as a term of endearment.

insancerre · 15/11/2016 06:27

Crisscross
My dad is the youngest of 14 and has always been called boy by his older siblings
Even now he is in his 70s they still call him boy

Bluebolt · 15/11/2016 08:28

It can be very regional, my elder brothers always referred to each other as "our kid" and rarely used names. It never sounded weird until I moved away and stopped hearing it. It may of started with Ex as a reinforcement of the father and son at a time the relationship changed and became a habit.

Underthemoonlight · 15/11/2016 08:31

My ex sometimes does this I hadn't given it a second thought until you made the thread seems abit trivial

TataEs · 15/11/2016 09:52

Son is quite and old fashioned term of endearment imo. all my and oh's grandparents use/d it. my FIL uses it. my dad only has girls.
that's probably why you don't hear it much.
his rationale for using it is definitely odd. if he called them son cos it came naturally to him and felt right, rather than because he decided that it was 'more polite' and in keeping with mum and dad...

does he call them by name when he talks to u about them? he must differentiate in some way. what if they're upstairs and he only wants one of them? does he shout 'son?' and if the wrong son answers shout 'other son?'
i find it hard to believe he never uses their names. if they hate it as much as you say then i would tell them to just ask 'which son?' every time he uses it, followed with 'sorry i couldn't tell cos you didn't use my name'
they could always start calling him by his name if equality is his issue!

anotheronebitthedust · 15/11/2016 11:25

I don't know, if you are being completely accurate about how often he uses it - to the complete detriment of ever using their actual names then it is weird. It's almost like he sees them in terms of their relationship to him (as in his property) rather than full realised individuals.

I think 'son' is different to a more personalised, affectionate/cheeky nickname like 'princess' or 'sausage' - it's very generic, particularly if you have two sons!

Also agree with regional thing - to me 'son' sounds v. old fashioned and cringy (1950s flat cap, clapping son on shoulder to show approval because we're too stiff upper lip British to show any actual emotion) - but if he was saying 'lad' that would sound fine! So if it's not a phrase that's used where you live I could see how your DC might be embarrassed by it.

His 'reasoning' for using the term is completely fucking insane though. I would tell the DC to start calling him by his first name just to piss him off. Either that or 'father' 'papa' 'mon pere,' etc rather than dad.

If he goes by that reasoning I hope he carries it through fully and addresses his boss as 'manager' rather than 'Barry,' and you as 'expartner' rather than 'layercake9.'

Neefs · 15/11/2016 11:37

It's is clearly common practice from all the posts confirming it, but I do think it is weird to NEVER call your child their own name. Esp with 2 DS, they must feel like he can't be bothered to distinguish between the two of them.

If they are unhappy with it, they should keep asking him to use their names.

x2boys · 15/11/2016 11:44

its just a term of affection surely i call my two chicken, pumpkin ,sweetheart ,darling etc

ChampsMum · 15/11/2016 11:50

YABU I really don't see the problem here, DP calls our 5 year old "boy" and I call him "sweetheart" or "champ"

Darmody · 15/11/2016 12:01

It sounds like the equivalent of a feral cat, pissing in a garden to mark his territory

God, you read some utter rubbish on these threads sometimes.

Theoretician · 15/11/2016 12:51

Presumably his children call him dad, which isn't his name. Seems only fair that he can do similar in return.

Gatekeeper · 15/11/2016 12:55

I call my son 'son' as well and also 'bonny lad', 'first born son' and variations on a theme as well as refer to him as 'The Young Prince/Master'

Also call him by his actual name (and also a dozen or so variations at that)

all normal in this house

PrivatePike · 15/11/2016 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread