AIBU to not grasp some kinds of grief?

[lizzieoak]

I'm curious about what upsets people when famous people die? As an example, I was a massive fan of Amy Winehouse & I was sad when she died. Primarily thought "oh, how sad for her poor family" & a little bit thought (& still think) "how sad for people who loved her writing & voice that it's all ended so soon."

But, horrible monster that I am, I didn't cry, as I didn't know her personally and, sadly, it was hardly a huge surprise. Ditto the death of our treasured Mr Cohen. He was 82.

On the non-famous end, while I was sad when my dad died when I was in my 20's, I thought "well, today I'm sad, but in a year I bet days will pass when I don't even think of dad". A friend of mine had a parent die around the same age and he spends the whole month, every year, 30 years later, being Quite Upset. Slight difference in the manner of our parent's deaths as my dad had been sick on & off since I was a kid whereas my friend's mum died of cancer within a year of getting ill.

I totally grasp that a loss of a child could destroy a person. It's out of the natural order of things. And the loss of a spouse - I can see how that could be pretty devastating.

But I worry a bit that I feel sad but not grief-stricken about the loss of people I love (older adult family members thus far) & people whose work I've admired.

Is it just that I'm a cold fish in this regard? Can anyone upended by the death of an elderly person, or Princess Diana, explain to me ... well, just what it is they're upset about?

Hard to convey tone online sometimes, but I'm not being sarkie, I really don't grasp this (though am otherwise emotionally normal).

Anecdotally, my male friends seem more thrown by the death of elderly rellies, whereas women seem more emotional than men are by the death of famous people. Not necessarily true across society, but in my circle I've noticed this.

I was very upset when Sir Terry Wogan died and still can tear up at the sound of his voice

Yes I was sad he had died and for his family but more that he is now part of the past, he is no longer always there. My grandparents were always there (with him in the background on the radio) and now they are now no longer here it was a reminder of parts of my life that were so comforting so full of love and are so hugely missed

Other famous peoples deaths the reasons are very different reasons but they can still make me feel sad

oh bugger I have something in my eye now

Slender, is it the caps? I capped it to make it stand out. If it was in person there would be no mocking face, I would say those words slowly to underline them. It was to indicate the opposite of only a little upset.

Yes it was only the caps I think.

Leapling so sorry to read your post .

I cannot believe that anyone could imagine in a million years that you will ever get over your daughter's death but to think that you would be remotely ok in only 2 months just beggars belief.

I have a friend whose daughter died 10 years ago and she still always puts lovely photos on FB around her anniversary, everyone comments and sends love which I hope helps her and her family.

Hugs and strength to you xxxx

Thank you borneo

Unfortunately, this terrible situation makes you realise that empathy is not something everyone is capable of.

A lot of people shared their own grief openly on Facebook about our situation very much in the 'RIP insert celeb' style. Most never met our daughter - some very genuine and some very

Oh Leapling how awful. May I ask how old your daughter was? I can't imagine what you must be going through .

So, my ramblings conclude that each death is unique each relationship is unique, each person is unique and there is no right or wrong for grief and as an extension of that, grieving a celebrity is actually a reflection, in my opinion, of the mourner's life experiences and how they identified with that person

^This. Everyone views and experiences their grief through their own world view. It can be difficult at times to see others' world view through your own eyes though. I had a friend whose baby son died at 8 weeks after lots of complications. A mutual friend was saying that she empathized and knew how it felt, as she had had a miscarriage at 6 weeks therefore had also lost a child. At the time I was as to me the two losses were not comparable, but that was obviously how she felt and viewed it.

I also know people who cay that the death of a pet is like losing a child.

I doubt they have

But how people feel with the initial shock their pain seems so heightened that it may seem to them comparable to the death of a child

What if their pet had become their child as they were not able to have children

No Navy they hadn't lost a child.

I will never forgive a friend who said he knew what I was going through when DH died as he had just had his dog PTS. I also raised an eyebrow at the young nurse who said she understood my grief as her grandmother had died.

Impossible to describe the actual physical pain felt when losing someone who means a lot. Like when my DH died, I honestly ached physically out of sheer shock. I have been convinced from that day forward that it is technically possible for someone to die of a broken heart. Thankfully, I didn't but it's a real possibility.

I wonder if the public outpouring is because people haven't got to grips with loss of people they have known, so the expression of grief is transferred and they get to mourn a different way.

I really really feel uncomfortable about any comparisons such as whether the loss of a child is worse than the loss of a DP, or whether sudden loss (DH, aneurysm) versus a slow gradual death (DBro, brain tumour) are different. Life, and grief, dont work like that!!

You can never ever prepare yourself or plan for the shock of loss.

Nor how long It lasts.

Nor how you will feel from one day to the next.

Or even one year, or decade from the next.

But grief sure as hell grabs you by the cojones when you least expect it!!

OP.

My question as to whether I'd misread your first post was genuine. I wasn't trying to be snarky. I was trying to understand.

I used the anecdote about my friend and her view of depression to explain how I'd understood your first post.

As I had tried to clarify ( badly, reading my comment back) I wasn't drawing the parallel to include depression, it was just an example of one person judging an entire situation based on their specific experience .

I apologize if you took my comment as critical or snarky. It was certainly not intended that way, I just wanted to join in the conversation with my own take and explanation of grief.

As someone who has had a mc, lost a pet dog and lost a 7 month old baby, I can say the mc and dog felt bad at the time and were the worst things to happen to me at the time they happened. Now I've buried my 7 month old daughter, my dog is insignificant. If anyone dared say they understood it because they'd lost a pet, I'd be furious with them.

And controversially, losing and burying my daughter was 1000 times worse than my early mc and I do struggle when I see infant loss and mc support lumped together. I've poured my heart out over the loss of my child, putting her coffin into the ground only to be told someone who lost a baby at 6 weeks pregnant and was expecting another then next month knows exactly how I'm feeling. I'm derailing here and I don't mean to. I agree grief is different for everyone but I think very few people will argue that there is something worse than losing your child.

I'm so sorry leaping. I can't imagine the pain.

Leapling I'm so sorry for your loss. Look after yourself and do what ever you need to do. I can't imagine the pain you must feel.

Sadness and grief are not the same thing.
Sadness is when a pet dies, or when a celeb dies and you feel sad for them and their families.
Grief is a raw, physical, visceral thing.
My mother, the day my father died suddenly, suffered a takatsubo cardiomyopathy - it is also known as broken heart syndrome.
You can die of a broken heart.
Absolutely.

Oh gosh Badders123 I'm so sorry for your losses.

Yes navy - the number of people who reacted to the news about my DM's death at a pretty young age with either "you're joking!!!" or "god, your news made me ring my mum and make sure she was ok!!!" was quite shocking. Sure you might think the latter, but don't say it to me!

for those who've suffered such tragic losses, my heart goes out to you.

People do act strangly

I think if grief and death was more openly discussed this wouldn't happen so much. Of course some people are just insensitive though I think many people just don't know what to say so will blurt out something as they feel they need to when perhaps the best thing is a gentle hug or squeeze of the hand

I am not suggesting that the pain of losing a child is comparebale to any other death but when people haven't felt such pain for them it might feel that way at that point in time as they are feeling immense pain they have never felt before and have nothing to compare it to

But to say that to a bereaved parent is just insensitive as is I know how you feel (though being with people who have shared experiences can be helpful).

I'm sorry you have had to deal with people being insensitive I have known people ignored which added to their feelings of isolation during their most difficult times