AIBU to not grasp some kinds of grief?

[lizzieoak]

I'm curious about what upsets people when famous people die? As an example, I was a massive fan of Amy Winehouse & I was sad when she died. Primarily thought "oh, how sad for her poor family" & a little bit thought (& still think) "how sad for people who loved her writing & voice that it's all ended so soon."

But, horrible monster that I am, I didn't cry, as I didn't know her personally and, sadly, it was hardly a huge surprise. Ditto the death of our treasured Mr Cohen. He was 82.

On the non-famous end, while I was sad when my dad died when I was in my 20's, I thought "well, today I'm sad, but in a year I bet days will pass when I don't even think of dad". A friend of mine had a parent die around the same age and he spends the whole month, every year, 30 years later, being Quite Upset. Slight difference in the manner of our parent's deaths as my dad had been sick on & off since I was a kid whereas my friend's mum died of cancer within a year of getting ill.

I totally grasp that a loss of a child could destroy a person. It's out of the natural order of things. And the loss of a spouse - I can see how that could be pretty devastating.

But I worry a bit that I feel sad but not grief-stricken about the loss of people I love (older adult family members thus far) & people whose work I've admired.

Is it just that I'm a cold fish in this regard? Can anyone upended by the death of an elderly person, or Princess Diana, explain to me ... well, just what it is they're upset about?

Hard to convey tone online sometimes, but I'm not being sarkie, I really don't grasp this (though am otherwise emotionally normal).

Anecdotally, my male friends seem more thrown by the death of elderly rellies, whereas women seem more emotional than men are by the death of famous people. Not necessarily true across society, but in my circle I've noticed this.

lizzie

I wonder whether you started this because you want some permission to get someone else to do the getting on with things sometimes?

I think everyone is different in how they handle grief.

I'm very much in the 'be happy thrynlived and remember the good times'. I've had three big losses in my lifetimes so far, and I was very upset with all three. That's not to say I still don't get upset about it, or that I don't miss the person. I do.

I worked with a woman who spent the two months running up to the anniversary of her mums death so sad, remembering things like the last time they went shopping, to the hairdressers, out for a meal, reciting what they had to eat, etc. I do think she should have had some counselling for it. I worked with her for 5 years and it was the same every year.

When I was younger I didn't get upset over anyone dying, famous or not. It wasn't until I experienced loss and grief myself that I could ever empathise and now I cry at funerals for people I didn't even know personally because it brings back the grief I felt over people I did know.

Bomb attacks in the news are just 'oh no how awful' moments until I imagine a family member I love being there, and then I can get upset about it.

I'd say a lot of apparent grief over what's gone on in the news is down to memories of a personal experience.

... I asked that because it sound like you had to (unfairly) take on the role of being parent, containing your emotions and equilibrium when you were a child. And you now still do that and are proud but also a bit resentful about having to do it. Ignore me if I've got that wrong

I was a teen when Diana died. I cried. It was selfish. I am the same age as William. Seeing him at his mothers funeral made me think 'what if that was me'. It was the first time I really thought about what would happen If mum died. I felt desperately sorry for two boys who had lost their mum and we're having to face such a public funeral. I would have hated that.

I feel sad when some celebrities die because they are part of great memories. My family are huge star wars fans. Watching get the movies with my family as a kid form some of my best memories. I will be upset when harrison ford dies, because he was part of my memories. Star wars is a family thing. We always see the new movies as a group.

My nana died 16 years ago. I still feel gutted now. I adored her. She kept the family going and was always there for me. It's easier to live with now but her death changed me.

I can't explain it. It's just how it is.

I've got dead parents and all my other relatives who I don't miss at all (bad childhood)

But my cat who I had for 18 years, who curled up on me every day, who was always pleased to see me, who was completely present in his own catty way - well I cried like I'd die myself !

And that's because of the first sentence. Animals can become very important to people if all the adults who are supposed to nurture and love them, don't.

I have very intense love for animals as they make my heart soft when my family tried to harden me up for life by abusing or neglecting me.

I do sometimes cry for celebrities, I really loved Alan Rickmans acting and I miss not seeing him in any more films. He seemed like a great guy and well loved by his friends too.

Grief is complex but we are crying for ourselves, what we miss in our lives. I cry for my parents, not for them but for me. For not having good parents and still aching about it.

That's why I might cry at a John Lewis advert where a lovely family is doing little loving things for their children - it's not me, it will never be me.

We cry for ourselves, what we miss, and what we will never have. We cry for others because we also imagine what it's like to be them.

I don't grieve celebrities per se but events like the Bataclan or news of a child's death - I do feel personally affected. I feel a rush of empathy/sadness/anger/fear that comes from reflecting on my own children.

I will say that I feel unusually sad/wistful about Leonard Cohen in that over my life-span I've spent so many moments of quiet reflection in the company of his words.

My DF has cancer and dementia. It's been a slow process over the last 6 years. I grieve almost every day at the moment, and yet he is still with us.

I'm not sure how I will feel when he finally does go. If I had to guess, it would mainly be relief.

I cry at everything. Adverts, books, animals, the bloody X Factor contrived sob stories...

But am very much like the OP when it comes to grief. I think, as others have said far more eloquently than me, it's a coping mechanism.

I cried in anger at Brexit and Trump, and at the last general election. I cried at Terry Wogan and a tiny bit at Leonard Cohen because one more this year just seems one too many.

I loathe the competitive "I am devastated" on here when a celebrity dies. No you aren't, you're an attention seeking narcissist. I don't cry when celebrities, allbeit geniuses, die by their own hands, whether that be an overdose, or just their bodies giving up after years of self-abuse. They lose all respect I ever had at that stage I'm afraid. Probably the oddest competitive grieving I've ever seen on here were the deaths of Peaches Geldof and Jade Goody. "because they were mums".

Oh yes, definitely. But it wouldn't make me shed tears iyswim?

I felt sadder possibly for Paula Yates because she struck me as a basically nice but troubled person. I felt more for Bob Geldof though tbh, because I think he still loved her massively. I did cry when Parky asked Bob how long he had had to think it over before taking Paula and Michael Hutchence's child in and Bob replied "not even a nanosecond".

i was about 20 when i lost my grandfather, the first human loss i really understood. (my uncle died when i was too young to understand)
i was sad. i felt sad he'd not see me get married, that he wouldn't hold my children, make them toys like he made me, that we'd never just sit for hours and play crib again. but i wasn't hysterical, i didn't even cry. it was more like disappointment. he drunk himself to death. the doctors told him if he carried on drinking he would die. and he stopped for 10 years. but then he started again, and the doctors warned him again, but he wouldn't stop. which was his choice. he chose that end. he chose to go sooner rather than later. which ultimately is quite disappointing.
i miss him. i'll be doing something and i'll think of him and sadness hits me in a wave. but it doesn't linger, soon i feel happy remembering all the great times we spent together and how lucky i was to have him.

I'm a bit like the OP. I cried when my parents died, but their deaths didn't and don't define me.

My dad died 29 years ago and my mum 26 years ago. I'm sad that they never became grandparents in their lifetime and I'm sad that DD grew up only knowing one grandparent, who now has dementia.

But I don't mourn them, I just look back with nostalgia. My parents were both in their 70s and they were both ill. Their time had come so to speak. I had a happy childhood, and my mum used to make festivities like Christmas and Easter very special. I love that I have these memories to look back on.

I think the only famous death that made me cry was Princess Diana. It was such a shock - the way it happened, and that she left her sons without a mother. I also cried when we had to have both of our cats put to sleep, but I got over it.

I've never cried over a celebrity death, never felt any emotion beyond 'how sad'. I think if I were a family member of a celebrity and I saw people who didn't know him/her wailing with grief I would feel very offended because their loss is for a public persona not for the actual person.

I cry easily for people I know, eg I have sobbed and sobbed for friends on the loss of a parent because I know their hearts are breaking. But I think I'm crying for my friend, not because I'm grieving the deceased?

I think lack of tears does not mean lack of feeling though. Similarly, 'moving on' after a bereavement does not show a lack of love for the deceased.

My dad died when I was at the end of junior school. It was a sudden death. As a family we adapted quite well, but there's always something deep that can resurface. I liken it to a scar. At first it's obvious, raw, painful and strange to you. Over time it fades and becomes a part of you and you tend not to notice unless something draws it to your attention.

I've lost a few family members since. When someone has reached the end of their life and have had little else to give, its sad but not a deep grief. It's different to someone younger, active or sudden.

Diana's death, I felt. Having been a child of similar age when suddenly losing a parent, I empathised with her son's loss. Her high profile meant that she had a regular presence around.

Another celebrity I've felt very sad over has been Terry Wogan. I think that's because he took on the breakfast show shortly after my dad died and was a similar age to my dad. I think it's that he had a regular paternal presence and similar level of humour. So when the death of someone personally unknown to me touches me, it's usually because I can relate to some element of their situtation, or there's been the loss of potential.

Social media makes it more apparent when people regularly dredge up old griefs. It isn't healthy to bottle it all up, but I'm not convinced that it's healthy to be continually maudlin and expressing through continual generic memes. There has been a shift in society since the communal shock of Diana's death, and being more able to publicly express grief.

It's the public side that's changed. There's always been a supply of older widows spending their latter years regularly wailing over the loss of their husband and gradually elevating him to the status of demi-god which he really wasn't in his lifetime. (I use that generalisation because men tend to be more pragmatic in their grief, and I've known several people of that demographic behave that way without the assistance of social media. Younger people will have to move on through life through work, families etc and are less likely to be stuck in that kind of grief rut.)

I'm much the same as OP. I'm quite pragmatic when it comes to death, and while I feel sad and upset when someone dies I just get on with things.

Both my parents are dead. I was very upset at m dad's death, but he died relatively young (56, not that much older than I am now) and without going into detail, his death was unexpected and a horrible way to go. My mum died having battled cancer for about 3 years and TBH it was a relief not having to see her suffer any more. I miss them both, but have good memories of both of them and still kind of feel they're with me.

I think people who grieve for celebrities do so because they have felt a connection with them, either through their work or for some memory that is tied up with them.
I haven't done the full public crying thing but I suppose I have 'grieved' 2 celebrities recently. One Leonard Nimoy, because I associate watching him with my Mum, who I lost a few years ago. The other (David Bowie) firstly because his work connects with me on an emotional level, secondly because it's a reminder that I'm getting older myself and my best years physically are behind me.
As for my Mum, she died 8 years ago and I still think of her and miss her every day though I didn't cry much at the time.
The kind of grief I don't really understand is when people get upset over the death of certain kinds of pets , say a hamster. I can understand a dog or cat but not a hamster.
Lady Diana's death was sad because she was a young mother. I think it came as a reminder to many people that death can come at any moment, to any of us.

I agree with you about celebrity deaths. I find it particularly distasteful when everybody needs to make a death (or a tragedy in the world) about them. "There's been a tsunami in Thailand? I was there last year."

Disagree with you about pets though. I don't know how you can compare the death of a stranger to the death of someone who you've lived with for years

I just accept that everyone is different...

For whatever reason (I can't explain it) I get much more upset about the death of animals than people.

I haven't, yet, lost anyone very close to me but I was quite close to my grandfather and had no emotional reaction when he died. It's not that I felt it and didn't express it...I didn't feel any grief at all.

When my cat died (that I'd only had for six months) I was very upset.

Equally I can see documentaries or the news about people dying and it doesn't bother me, but if it's animals I really feel bothered by it.

It's not that I get upset about animals because I have a cosseted life...I've had childhood emotional/physical abuse and two breakdowns from having bipolar disorder. I just can't explain why I feel empathy for animals but not really for people.

I'm the same as you OP.

So reassured by this post - was starting to think it was just me who does this. I really don't get the crazy outpourings about celebs - and I do judge ! When my mum died I was sad - we had a good relationship and we were close but she was in her eighties, had multiple health problems and a strong religious faith (which I don't) - she was ready to meet her maker and I was relieved her suffering was over. The funeral etc was a sad time , but I didn't find it hard to move on.

I don't do celebrity mourning at all.