To not want my sons fiancée to have keys to my house

[Griffey]

So the gist of it is this. My grown up son still lives at home he spends most of his time in his room and occasionally his girlfriend stays over on Sundays. He still behaves like a teenager that has "such a hard life and nothing is fair". He leaves for work at 6.30 every day but she doesn't start work until the afternoon. My husband, other son and I all leave the house between 8 and 8.30. Just as a point we have had money go missing at times but we cannot prove who it is. My son thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let his girlfriend let herself out of my house, lock the door behind her & post the spare keys back through the door. Please give me some perspective as I can be quite hard and sometimes cannot see the wood for the trees.

YABU

Why is she staying? You don't sound very reasonable, but I suspect there are some reasons why you don't trust her. What are they?

No I wouldn't allow it full stop. No way. When they move in together and are running their own home they'll both have keys, and likely wouldn't want you to have keys to their home. Your son should respect your wishes. Tell him no, give brief explanation if you want to but don't get into a back & forth about it, don't aim to justify. No, and there's an end to it

To be honest, I think your son's behaviour is the biggest issue. How old is he? Perhaps some ground rules will make him consider whether he wants to remain living at home.

Suggest she stays over on Saturdays.

YANBU. You don't know her that well. Why should she have keys to your house?
She can leave when you do and go back to her own home till it's time for work. Why should she be left to doss about at yours?

YANBU - tell him if he doesn't like it then they can pack their shit and find their own place to live. He's an adult, if he doesn't like your rules then he knows what to do.

Unless he actually is a teenager he should be shown the door for being so disrespectful of your home. Probably in his 30s

YANBU your house your rules.

YABU

He's 22, he pays rent when he feels like it. He raids the fridge and cupboards regularly. If he buys any food he puts labels on them not to touch it. He and I argue like brother and sister. The list is endless. I've never warmed to her, as her parents think my son is the biggest loser on the planet. He works long hours so can be lazy at home. She's a drama queen, moody and very spoilt. Which I find really irritating. He regularly tells me he can't wait to move out so that he can get out of this stifling environment but he can't afford to yet so this is just something else to lash out at me for.

Where's the money gone missing from? How much was it? Could it be your son who's taken it?

If she's not living there, she shouldn't have keys and should bog off home.

How old is your stroppy son? Is he old enough to move out?

X post.

Still don't think she should have a key, and bog off home.

He sounds charming. Best thing for him would be for you to give him a deadline for moving out. Tough tits if he can't afford it. That's life.

Her parents are right, he's a loser

And if he works long hours then he can surely afford a house share.

He works long hours so can be lazy at home.
Is that his view or yours? He needs to pay rent always not just when he feels like it.

He pays rent when he feels like it? How the hell does that work?!?

When he has a place of his own then she can stay over every night, until then, she can stay over on Friday/Saturday.

We all have jars that we save money in. I had £20 taken, my husband had about £5 taken and my younger son had about £40 in pound coins taken. My oldest son doesn't save anything so I've always thought it was him or his girlfriend.

Both of them sound really entitled. I think it's time he moved out, frankly. He needs to grow up. I love the way he labels his own food - can't you do that to yours?

YANBU - your house, your rules. At that age he can move out if he doesn't like. I wouldn't trust anyone locking my house up other than me. Sometimes I even question myself if I've shut the door properly and have to turn back down the garden path to check. You need to set up regular rent including utilities and bills - I had all this when I was 18 as did my other siblings - he will soon realise he might as well get his own place when he has to pay so much to you.

I wouldn't want her alone in the house, never mind in charge of locking it up either.

Sorry am I being stupid - can't she just shut the front door behind her,or does it have to be locked. What's the issue -that you want her to post keys through the letter box and son wants her to hang on to them.........I don't think this is about keys - you've said you don't like her and your son is behaving like a stroppy 12 year old and her parents don't like him - so there's not going to be much playing "happy families" with your family and hers is there. You sound very frustrated and not surprising really so I think the keys are the least of your concerns. How about tackling some of the other issues?

Oh gosh my 22 year old is driving me nuts right now and I really want them to move out. Have been sitting tonight and having a cry over a beer with the sad music on, because of DC and lots of other stuff. I was just saying to a friend yesterday now the government just seems to expect adult children to stay at home because of cost of housing, none gives a thought to the parents and how they feel about it. I mean you would never want to just kick them out but when their behaviour is wearing you down it can all get too much. I would probably just let her have the key, but the biggest problem is your sons behaviour. Good luck with that.

Why doesn't he move out if he hates it there so much? Between them both they could probably afford a studio.

Sorry but - her parents think he's the biggest loser on the planet well, you aren't painting a great picture of him.

she's spoilt sounds like she and your son are both spoilt, must suit each other.

I think yabu as it sounds as though she is just acting according to the example your son is setting when in your home.