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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my sons fiancée to have keys to my house

62 replies

Griffey · 13/11/2016 23:14

So the gist of it is this. My grown up son still lives at home he spends most of his time in his room and occasionally his girlfriend stays over on Sundays. He still behaves like a teenager that has "such a hard life and nothing is fair". He leaves for work at 6.30 every day but she doesn't start work until the afternoon. My husband, other son and I all leave the house between 8 and 8.30. Just as a point we have had money go missing at times but we cannot prove who it is. My son thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let his girlfriend let herself out of my house, lock the door behind her & post the spare keys back through the door. Please give me some perspective as I can be quite hard and sometimes cannot see the wood for the trees.

OP posts:
NicknameUsed · 13/11/2016 23:50

"Sorry am I being stupid - can't she just shut the front door behind her, or does it have to be locked."

Our front door doesn't have a Yale lock. It is a 5 lever mortice lock that needs to be locked. A great many front doors have similar locks. Insurance companies prefer them as they are more secure than Yale locks.

I don't understand why some posters think the OP is being unreasonable. Why should the girlfriend have a key? She doesn't live there or contribute to the household in any way.

If DD was working full time I would expect rent from her. If she didn't pay, I wouldn't buy food or cook for her. I would also not do any of her washing.

She is still at school BTW, but I will be making it clear that this is what will be expected of her when the time comes.

Lollollollol · 13/11/2016 23:51

You son sounds awful. Sad I'm not sure what I think about the girlfriend. If you don't trust her I'm not sure I'd want her in the house at all.

Original poster
Griffey · 13/11/2016 23:51

Thank you so much. Even though you've given me a mixed bag of comments. I feel better having aired my feelings.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 13/11/2016 23:56

I wouldn't want her to have a key and unless I knew her VERY well she wouldn't be in the house alone.

heartskey · 13/11/2016 23:56

How strange that some think you're being unreasonable. What, because you don't want someone you suspect of stealing and who isn't a family member having a key to your house. Not a chance. You are most certainly not being unreasonable.

Pallisers · 13/11/2016 23:56

Tell your son, you are delighted he is grown up and he now needs to make plans to leave your house and live independently with his girlfriend. Give him 6 months.

In the meantime tell him you never intended your home to become somewhere grown up children could live with their partners so NO his girlfriend won't be getting a key and NO she can't stay over every night because then - duh - she would be living with you. Tell him you will help him in any way you can to get his own place with his girlfriend.

And lock up your money (and your room). most likely one of the 2 of them is stealing it. Don't leave it out. In fact don't leave anything out you don't want her to see.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2016 23:57

I'm guessing you do not want her there when you are not there OP, which suggests you do not trust her. Which is fine.

When I flat shared one flat member moved her dp in without consulting us. He was there a lot, often without her as he worked off shore half the time.

It was very annoying, there when she was not there. I'm guessing this is the main issue? If she is there when your son is there she is his guest, you don't want her dossing at your house, and I don't blame you.

Just tell him your rules, your house.

He should not be arguing with you like brother and sister, that shows no respect for you.

He should pay rent regularly, he will never learn to pay rent for real if he only has to pay some of the time.

Lastly, if he works very hard but does not have enough money to pay rent and contribute for food it suggests he is not earning enough. Can you encourage him to get a better paid job, to under-go training etc while staying with you with a view to getting a better salary and moving out?

What her parents think of him is not relevant unless she shares this view or you secretly think he could do better work-wise etc.

Good luck. Thanks

FrancisCrawford · 13/11/2016 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryteacher · 14/11/2016 08:38

YANBU at all. It's your house, and it's down to you who gets a key. I would stop the Sunday night stays, or show her the door politely when he goes to bed. I don't have anyone in my home whom I don't want to be there, and if they are staying over, then it's because I trust them.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2016 08:46

I'm always wary of this "not liking the sons girlfriend", because experience tells me that if she becomes his wife, and the monther of your grandkids, then there comes a time when uou may need her more than she needs you. I was that girlfriend. With a mother in law who frowned on me and then desperately wanted Me on side because of her only grand daughter,. And her other son couldn't have any, So my recommendation is you play nicely here for the long term view.

I don't think it's ok to dislike her because of the parents. She clearly doesn't feel the same as them, and suspecting her of theft is really concerning.

Arfarfanarf · 14/11/2016 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OzzieFem · 14/11/2016 09:02

You should make it clear to both your son and his Gf that she leaves the house either before, or with the last member to go to work. She should not be left in your house when there is no family present.

It seems odd the most money that disappeared was from your younger son's collection jar. Did the money go missing from all three jars at the same time, or over a set period?

Ifitquackslikeaduck · 14/11/2016 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 14/11/2016 09:23

Her parents are right. Your problem isn't the girlfriend (another women with shit self-esteem who thinks a lazy arsehole is the best she can do), it's your son and your enabling of his laziness.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 14/11/2016 09:31

YANBU. He needs to move out and fend for himself in the real world. Give him a month's notice and get him out of your house. I would be prepared to pay the deposit on a flat/ bedsit just to get him out. Your house your rules.

shopaholic999 · 14/11/2016 09:42

It's simple really..if they don't like it they can move out! Yanbu

I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone staying in bed in my house while the rest of us were at work.

And the fact that you don't trust her is the biggest reason not to let this happen.

Also, id stop the over night sleep overs!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/11/2016 09:42

Tell him your insurance doesn't cover randomers being on your house/having keys!

Original poster
Griffey · 14/11/2016 09:50

Thanks again for your comments. My son worked as a apprentice bricklayer earning the bare minimum, he's now qualified and starting to earn decent money. His girlfriend lives over 30 miles away so most of his money goes on petrol going back and forth, three or four times a week so by allowing her to stay a night or two seems the least that I can do. But it's his attitude that he should be allowed to do what the hell he likes and that I'm just the evil mother that doesn't understand anything. My husband is the complete opposite of me and thinks I should let him do what he wants for an easy life. The money going missing happened over a period of about a year. First mine went missing so I now lock it away, my husband and son just chuck their money in a jar, my husband saves coppers, five p's, twenty p's and fifty p's, my younger son just saves his pound coins, so hence why he had more money stolen than anyone else. Truthfully if I had my way I would have thrown my eldest son out on his ear years ago.

OP posts:
Lucywithout · 14/11/2016 09:53

Get some locking cash boxes for your savings and make the use of the key obvious. Tell her she must leave when you lock up and tell him to grow up
pay rent and start saving hard..

user1471950254 · 14/11/2016 09:54

YANBU -your house and your rules. If DC wants to give his girlfriend keys he needs to get his own home!

Lucywithout · 14/11/2016 09:55

Cross post - sorry

AyeAmarok · 14/11/2016 09:56

From what you have said about both of them, I think your position is understandable.

When he has his own place and is supporting himself, he can give his girlfriend a key.

LucilleBluth · 14/11/2016 10:02

They both sound hard work...in a way it's not natural to have adult children at home, its stifling for both parties. I have a 15yo DS and he drives up up the wall in a way that my two other DCs don't, sometimes it's just a personality clash.

To be honest I can see my DS1 being the same as the OPs, he's a stroppy, hard word little sod now, I can't imagine him still being at home at 22.

gleam · 14/11/2016 10:05

YANBU

EweAreHere · 14/11/2016 10:15

I'd ask them if they're planning to give you a set of keys to his house so you can let yourself in/out when you feel like it and eat his food.

If the answer is no, as it will be, girlfriend doesn't get keys or get to stay in the house without you.

Both sound too young to even be thinking about getting married, let alone engaged. He needs to stand on his own two feet and look after himself first. So does she. Get him out if you can.