To not want my sons fiancée to have keys to my house

[Griffey]

So the gist of it is this. My grown up son still lives at home he spends most of his time in his room and occasionally his girlfriend stays over on Sundays. He still behaves like a teenager that has "such a hard life and nothing is fair". He leaves for work at 6.30 every day but she doesn't start work until the afternoon. My husband, other son and I all leave the house between 8 and 8.30. Just as a point we have had money go missing at times but we cannot prove who it is. My son thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let his girlfriend let herself out of my house, lock the door behind her & post the spare keys back through the door. Please give me some perspective as I can be quite hard and sometimes cannot see the wood for the trees.

The girlfriend with a key seems to be the least of it. Your son needs a rocket up his arse. Unless you force the issue chances are very high he's going to continue like this into his thirties. Is that really what you want, for his sake or yours?

To be fair it is a bit unreasonable to say you'd have chucked uour son out years ago but to not like the girlfriend because her parents think he's a loser. 🙄

I get it's ok for uou to think it about him but no one else can, and I'm sure he will find his way in life, but maybe their concerns so far have been understandable?

Honestly I'm not sure any of uou are coming out of this well.

It depends how long he has had this girlfriend I guess. My DS is 22 and lives at home still, saving for a deposit. Will be at home for another 2-3 years I am guessing. We get on OK, he also works very long hours and doesn't do much at home, but then he doesn't cause much mess, has a meal with us a few times a week, I do his washing with ours but he pays for his ironing to be done.

I have allowed two of his longer term girlfriends to be left alone in the house, not a problem. But then I have never had any money go missing.

I wouldn't let a new girlfriend stay in the house, but then I wouldn't let a new girlfriend stay over, the ones that have stayed have been 12 months + relationships.

I guess it's all about compromise, there doesn't seem to be any going on at all here.

I think it's a bit unfair to say that you don't like the gf as her parents say he's a loser, when with what you write about him, he doesn't sound too great?

It also sounds to me more likely that it's the son taking the money than the gf, with him taking food?

In saying that it's your house, if you don't want someone staying over and having a key then don't allow it

i also think you have a ds problem not a gf problem. he needs to be read the riot act.

I'm going to guess it's your ds who took the money and not his girlfriend. His attitude is disgusting, don't put up with it.

Have a discussion with your dh in earshot of your ds about keeping money in a different place. Make sure nobody else is in the house when you have the discussion though, I think you'll soon find out where it's going.

YOur house your rules.

He pays his way or gets nothing done for him, no washing, no electicity for devices, no food. Get a lock/padlock on the food cupboard and let him buy his own.
GF leaves when you do, no key, its ridiculous, tell them when its their house they get a key.
Lock up any money/use combination 'safe banks'.

I find it funny that they arent acting like adults and taking responsibility for anything yet they are planning to get married? They are in for some shock!

Tell him to wake up and smell the coffee, the real world doesnt let him miss out on paying rent and then spending £££ on petrol going a 60 mile round trip a few times a week and stillhave a place to live. Why doesnt his gf give him petrol money? He sounds like a spoilt teen tbh not a 22yr old and his gf sounds much the same. Tell him she can stay frid or sat and has to go home next day or leave the house when you do. I wouldnt be giving a key to a non family member anyway but especially not to pander to my son who treats me like dirt.

Get tough, just cos he is your son doesnt mean he can use and abuse you, tell your dh to grow a pair and stick up for you and tell your ds the facts of life.

It's your house, your rules.

I fully Agree with Willow2016 couldn't have written it better myself that's what I came to say. You and your husband need to be on the same page one of you needs to put your foot down and the other needs to back that up.

Its not about the girlfriend the issues I would say they lie more with your son.

When I was 16-21 I was in a similar situation I went out with someone who lived further away but worked in my hometown so we could see each other but I always asked my mum regarding him staying over and respected her wishes if she said no for whatever reason, it was her house after all. I paid my way and we bought our own food on nights that he came over or we ate out.

In that time not once did I ever think to demand that he had a key even if he was to post it back through. When I was at college or working If I had to leave early for a meeting so did he! He didnt lounge around on his day off he left at the same time and me and if he wanted to lounge around he did so in his own home.
Me and my mum still had our ups and downs and fallouts but she treated me like an adult. I paid on the same date every time and it made me think about my finances and she never showed me any signs of her willingness to bail me out (or let me off) and therefore I've never expected to be bailed out nor her let me off. I can see now looking back how she was preparing me for the real world as you dont get let off.

What an unhappy house op.

My 26 year old ds lives at home and he and GF are saving for a deposit. He doesn't pay rent as we don't need him to but he's pleasant and cooks for us, takes dds to school etc and cleans. He's great company.

Your problem is your ds here. How has it got like this?

I feel for you, OP. As a parent you want to do the best for your kids, but some take the piss frankly. I think a serious adult conversation is required, ground rules set, a reasonable rent/contribution fixed. If he doesn't like it, a deadline set for him to move out. And no I wouldn't let his non-contributing, non resident girlfriend have a key either. Your DH needs to back you up or nothing will change.