To ask how you deal with your narcissistic mothers when non contact isn't an option?

[Flamingo1980]

Spent 36 years being emotionally battered by my mother and I can't do it any more. She's a classic narcissist mother and I find it really hard to deal with her as I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.
I have managed to emotionally detach myself from her which is positive - she no longer makes me cry but she's likely to ruin Christmas. Again. Any thoughts? PLEASE don't suggest non contact as this isn't possible as believe me if it was I would have done it by now!

How do those of you with DC handle their narc mothers? My mother is a class A narc I read descriptions and can nod to each trait. She's forever asking to have them overnight which is a scary thought for me. She's not capable of looking after them she couldn't look after me and my siblings at all. we luckily had family members step in and take good care of us. My sister was told in therapy that we are the lucky ones and if we didn't have that family around we'd be all kinds of fucked up.

I never leave them alone with her and even in my presence I've seen some old behaviours creep up. I am low contact and tell her nothing about our life's really but she's vocal and will tell anyone that listens to her that she never sees me or my DC. Which puts me in an awkward position socially with other people. She hides it well and plays the victim so I come across as the bad guy all the time.

If people start making comments, the best thing you can say is "there are two sides to every story" ... even, if you have to, "there are two sides to every story and there are reasons why we ensure contact is limited"

But in the end, manipulators often 'win' with the victim-routine (except with people wise enough to realise there is something more going on, and there will be some of them). Sometimes overall you just have to suck up being the bad guy, for the sake of your children's safety

This is turning into a fascinating thread and is inspiring me to start a meet up group. I really see the value of people with similar stories coming together for support it's incredible!

Really important thread for those of us in tis situation - the shame of nc with your mother, the hurt. I have had to become very cold hearted :(

So I've bit the bullet and started up a meetup.com group in brighton. 'Daughters of narcissistic mothers' if anyone is in the area then feel free to join :) I've been absolutely compelled to do this for ages and all your brave input has spurred me on further so thank you!

Have just popped back to say how great it is that this thread has helped, and that Flamingo has started a meetup. I'm in a bad state as we will see her in 4 weeks and I'm a mess. I can't sleep, can't get out of bed, am bring a nightmare generally, not speaking almost mute most of the time. My M already says the odd thing to DS on the phone that makes me dread having a whole week of contact. Up till now I've felt strong, ruthless, but now I'm disintegrating. Anyway, if this thread continues i will lurk, good to hear how other cope.

iborgia

Ooof I have been thinking about this thread a lot. Upthread I gave an optimistic answer to the OP's original question. DP visited last week and fuck. I have been lulled into a false sense of security by recent better behaviour but this visit DH and I could do nothing right. Our parenting, home, lifestyle etc were constantly criticised. At one point she disagreed with the way we were handling a tantrum from DD and stormed out of the house slamming the door - apparently failing to see the irony that she too was having a tantrum! Anyway without wanting to hijack the thread OP just be prepared for an exhaustive process of constant refreshing of your mental defences. And to feel shit afterwards, I feel awful now and am finding it hard to shake off negative feelings.

Setting up a group sounds like an amazing step OP, sadly I am too far from you to benefit. Hope all well with you and other posters

I moved abroad. It's worked and kept a relationship. People tend to come to us so it's on my terms.