To ask how you deal with your narcissistic mothers when non contact isn't an option?

[Flamingo1980]

Spent 36 years being emotionally battered by my mother and I can't do it any more. She's a classic narcissist mother and I find it really hard to deal with her as I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.
I have managed to emotionally detach myself from her which is positive - she no longer makes me cry but she's likely to ruin Christmas. Again. Any thoughts? PLEASE don't suggest non contact as this isn't possible as believe me if it was I would have done it by now!

What a brilliant thread Op. Thanks for posting this, I've added absolutely no value to it but I've learnt lots. It's a shame that we all are where we are but also great to know that you're not the only one

Yes if you can find someone else with the same problem, it's wonderful to laugh about it afterwards.

Does anybody else worry they will turn out the same? I'm really paranoid about it, particularly with my relationship with dd. I find myself saying something like - oh your hair looks so much better like that, then mentally slapping my hand and telling myself DON'T CRITICISE! and then I go into this weird thing of overcompensating for saying it and tell her how beautiful her hair is.

Ok I have some coping strategies for you. These have worked for me.

Limit the time you are there. Do you have to stay overnight? Be clear when you are arriving and leaving and don't be swayed.

Remind yourself it's only for a day or so, it will be over soon. Have something nice lined up to do when it's over with people who are lovely to you.

While you are with her be polite but neutral. Just agree with everything she says where possible, be neutral where not, and nod and smile while reminding yourself it will be over soon.

Take a photo or an object with you you can look at to root yourself back into your own life when it get too much.

I used to have a piece of paint from my front door! Weird I know but it reminded me I would soon be home and safe behind it away from her!

Good luck.

Just thought of another practical piece of advice. When you do see her, make sure you have something else scheduled to go to that day. It has to be something she can't invite herself to or try and create a drama about, but something that you need to take your kids to - so she can't offer to "do you a favour" and stay behind and mind your kids while you go. (Then you'll "owe" her and she can use this to nail herself to her cross). Think kid's party, school thing, etc. If she finds it really boring, even better. (Kids dental appointments, etc)

User I am terrified I will turn out the same. Had pnd after DD1 largely because of my fear of making her as unhappy as I was. Also because I was overwhelmed with love for her and it did my head in that my mum could have hurt me so much - I felt like I could never hurt DD that way. But I am frequently told that the fact that we are afraid of being like them shows we won't be iyswim.

Agree that this thread has been very useful with ideas for managing contact. Hope you are feeling more confident op? It is hard but it can be done

Got some brilliant advice and tips on MN about narc mother on previous threads and am reading this one with interest as it's good to keep reminding yourself to detach and to feel you are not alone.
The disengagement has worked quite well for me, whereby I tell M nothing important about my life, keeping the conversation bland and all about her.
I don't put myself through any visits longer than a few minutes and have stopped accepting help from her.
I hadn't realised how much she occupied my brain, my actions and then my behaviour until I started detaching. I'm still in the first stages but it's a great liberation and I am not spending Christmas with her. I simply haven't mentioned it and neither has she, and it will not happen !
Possibly as a consequence of my not being under her thumb anymore she has developed an series of imaginary illnesses and is never away from the doctor, she asks for referrals and then more referrals and then makes up another complaint...but I just remove myself and go into zombie mode when she talks about them.
I too pretend I don't have a landline. When I moved house I used this as a chance to stop her phoning me, she finally gave up asking when I told her firmly I did not want a landline. She does still phone me once a day on my mobile but I keep those short and I won't answer if I don't feel up to it.
I think the hardest part, and one I have to keep reminding myself - is that I have a narc mother and nothing will change this, I have to protect myself and DD from her.
I am expecting her to up the antes at Christmas but I'm prepared as is DD.

User 7562 it's really common to be afraid of turning out like your awful parent.

It isn't impossible that it can happen either but - but - the fact you don't want it to is the turning point. When you want to be a better parent, you try hard and you catch yourself most of the time, when the same patterns of behaviour rear their ugly heads.

Remember, you only need to be a 'good-enough parent'.

If you are really scared (as I have been when patterns of behaviour surfaced) then you can look for parenting advice and courses. They help so much, definitely the info you get but also the support.

The professionals tend not to worry about the people who -want- to do it differently, because those are the parents who try. It's the ones who don't care are the problem.

old and used I second the comments about you being a different kind of mother, it's turning out to be true as I have been told for years.

I shouldn't even be looking at this post as I'm psyching myself up for an awful Christmas. My psychologist has emphasised that it's not expecting trouble, it's the reaction to previous experiences.it undoubtedly will be hideous. It is going to cost thousands to visit and it took me almost six months to regroup last time.

This is the last Christmas btw. I'm done. As pp have warned, a couple of slight comments to my children have sent me into tiger mode. I won't nc for me, but I will for them.

Ps, all the tactics suggested will really help, as will daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com .

lborgia the 'tiger mode' is wonderful isn't it? I feel able to challenge any comments aimed at DDs where I might let ones about me go. I have told mum that if she starts on the girls about their appearance (her speciality) then she won't see them again.

Yep, I'm almost more scared of them seeing me kick off than anything else though. It's easier to deal with from a couple of countries away and just FaceTime...

Old, Sea and Iborgia - thank you, I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I have no role model of how to parent I think so it's a real challenge for me. I have siblings who give me a lot of support when I'm doubting myself but have never sought professional help. That's something to think about.

The psyching up is so familiar. I have to brace myself, ready to pounce for when she starts. If I'm passive and don't take issue - it just spirals out of control. I particularly can't stand her criticising dd which she's starting to do more now she's older.

But the anxiety those meet ups can cause is immense.

The Triple P parenting courses /advice are very good, if you can find them. Where I live parenting advice and support is easily available and they use the Triple P stuff. Originated in Australia, I believe.

'The professionals tend not to worry about the people who -want- to do it differently, because those are the parents who try'

As a professional who works with children and has worked with hundreds of parents over the years, I totally agree. The common factor between all the loving, effective parents I have worked with over the years is an ability and a willingness to reflect on your own behaviour, a willingness to learn and to change if necessary. The most worrying type of parent is the type who sees the child as a huge problem who needs fixing, and who are uninterested in having a role in making the situation better.

So any of you who are worried about turning out like your parents, remember that you are a separate person from then - not easy when you have been parented by a narc I know! Its wise to be cautious and to be aware of your own behaviour but there is every chance you will do so much better than your own parents

When no contact is possible I believe there is something called 'medium chill' which you have already started to do. This is really the only other option.
Can I ask why you can't go no contact?

Have not read full thread but was in same position for many years. My mother spoiled everything, most particularly my birthday (if I went to see her on my birthday it was because I wanted gifts and if i didn't go to see her she would sulk for weeks because actually it was 'her' celebration of giving birth to me ).

I found a lot more confidence in dealing with her once I was married as she did not want DH (who did not pander to her bad behaviour) to think badly of her. What I did was that I started to control contact. I would see her on my terms and in my time frame. So she could visit, but within parameters set by me. Or we would visit her, where I controlled how long we spent there (very short). I realised that the 'game' that she played was cyclical; sucking me in, then spewing me out. So I looked as to how to break that cycle. Basically I stopped calling her for just enough time to make her worry. What finally stopped it was me not talking to her for six months. By then she was terrified we would lose contact. After that, if she was unpleasant on the phone I would say 'mum, I don't want to listen to that kind of talk, so if you say it again I shall put the phone down and we will have to have some time apart.' She shut up. But this did take YEARS to get to that point. I wish I had done it much earlier (your age).

Now she is in a care home with dementia. Dementia has robbed her of many things, but it has actually given me back a lovely mum. It has made her forget all her bitterness and spite. She is actually now a lovely human being! Bizarre.

OP, if you want to chat through some strategies then I'm more than happy to do that - DM me. I do understand that going NC is often almost impossible.

Just now read full thread and see lots of similar themes. I wish I had known about limiting contact, medium chill (I love that) and the zombie stance years ago. I learned all these on my own. I had to stop telling my mother anything about my life, or anything about the children because she would either a) top with stories about her own children (ie me!) or b) be critical of whatever it was I was telling her about. So she ended up missing out as we just didn't involve her in our lives. Everything I did became a secret from her.

Unless you have a NARC mother you cannot understand how to deal with them, which is why friends IRL really cannot help you. It's very lonely.

I tried boundaries for years but I still got hurt.

Have been NC for almost 4 years

But in the words of Martin Luther King - 'Free at last, free at last. Thank God I am free at last.'

'Unless you have a NARC mother you cannot understand how to deal with them, which is why friends IRL really cannot help you. It's very lonely'

This is so true. Terribly lonely, especially at times of the year when the idealised notion of family is everywhere - Mother's Day, Christmas for example. My best friend had a baby 4 years ago and another one last year. I am very happy for her, genuinely, but I'm also very sad, angry and jealous. She has been building her own family at the very time that I have been dismantling mine by detaching from my parents and siblings. That really hurts. DP and I don't have children, through choice, but it has still felt like a loss and I've been grieving it for the past few years. It just feels like family is something we don't have in any meaningful sense. There are positives to that, but jeez it really hurts sometimes. So grateful there are people on here who understand

ah lotta .. You deserve so much better than that.

Thanks SeaEagle it is what it is and I'm coming to terms with it. It's been rough

Lotta, I can understand your anger. When I realised what my mum was (something a counsellor said to me when I was in therapy over my mum's behaviour - yes, it was that bad) - a Narc, I spent months being so angry that I had been denied a normal mother/daughter relationship. I literally mourned the fact that I didn't have one of these for around 5 years. I became quite angry and I know I took that out on those near and dear to me.

One thing that really helped was someone suggesting I wrote my mother a letter, telling her everything that I was angry about, citing moments when I felt she had let her down. I did this. I scribbled away for almost three hours and was only 1/3 of the way through. But just doing all that writing was enough. I realised that I was wasting so much time being so angry and holding all that in and that it only mattered because I made it matter. That was a turning point. I couldn't be bothered to finish the letter and that was the start of me not being bothered about what she said or did.

I'm the same - when my anxiety isn't bad I imagine a bubble around me and I can decide who to let through it x

Thanks Squid. The anger is really quite something, it has scared me at times. 5 years sounds about right to me - it's probably been about that long since I started lifting the lid off my own situation, and I'm now having longer and longer periods of feeling calm, stable, less anxious, less angry and more able to be happy for other people

It has been one hell of a gruelling process to get to this point though