to say no visitors at hospital when I have my baby?

[teabags]

My view is I will have 2 days to be by myself with my new baby in the hospital before I go home. I already have a DS. In laws presume they will visit me in hospital. DH says it is normal for family to want to do that, I guess he has a point.
(I hated having visitors last time)

You are not being unreasonable. I think people can wait a few days to meet a baby and that it's quite rude to barge into hospital rooms uninvited. You've been through labour, you're knackered, trying to establish feeding and need some peace.

When I had DS2, only DH and DS1 came to visit, which was lovely.

Ineedacleaner
just wanted to clairfy that i didnt have any of my family (sister) or visitor on my side come. i had only moved to the uk 7 months before the baby and had no family here. my family all respected that i needed time and waited 2.5 weeks after baby to come and then only few could afford it. i had only met my mil about 7 months before hand and from day one she was not very nice to me (as she wanted her son with some one else and was upset when he put me first, ei about my wanting him at birth not her. i dont know how much any one would like or want a women there that even said 'if you try to move back to canada (where i am from and where evey family i got is) she will take the baby from you. im a social worker and i know people who will make it happen. i cant get my son to leave you and you'll never see the baby again'. this is when i told her that if my dh couldnt make it then i would just deliver on my own. or from when i met her the first thing was 'oh your one of those people' when i said not to wine and she knew i was prego. and then hear her say that her son could have had a doctor or nurse or social worker wife but he went for some plain young girl and i should see the women that throw themselves at him at the pub, then day i got off the plane and dh went to pub that night. (met state me and dh had a fast relationship... dated and prego with in 6 months) so i didnt feel very confident.
i honestly didnt want any one there the day i gave birth and from 5 mins of getting home people never stopped... as they were not my family or friends they would take the baby from me and leave room say i looked like i needed rest. my mil even tried to feed my breastfeed baby a chip and chocolate at 3 weeks old.
sorry to sound upset but it was very upsetting situation and i dont want you to think that i was just trying to be mean to my mil...

personally I wouldnt like no visitors, but thats me. You are perfectly entitled to request no visitors if that what you want.

First time around I didn't make any rules, and lived to regret it when my step FIL made an idiot of himself yet again. He's always been a bit of a PITA. However he took the biscuit asking my DH to let him sit down on the only seat because he was tired and his back was sore. Despite the fact that DH had been awake all night supporting me throught the labour.

2nd time around I didn't stay in, but everyone but my mum was banned from the house for the 1st week.

So I don't think you're unreasonable, it's your baby, your choice.

It's your choice but personally I was a bit upset none of my friends bothered to come and see me in hospital bar my dd's father and my family. (I had visitors at home when I felt less able to deal with them). In hospital you don't have to fart-arse about making tea or stuff, they expect to get their own. At home, you tend to swap back into good hostess mode .

I found being in hospital depressing and lonely (and I worked in one at the time!) and would have loved to have more visitors, just to while away the time. Post natal wards are anything but peaceful IMO. I wonder how it went for teabags?

I work in a hospital at the moment which is making me think about a home birth if I ever have any more children.... 35 hours a week in one is quite enough thank you....

did anyone make people wait longer than a week before having visitors?

ditto spillage21. i knew i was in for a rough time when i had ds1 (i had eclampsia) dp rang my parents to tell them i was in labour, they stayed at hime as i had asked, however mil rushed up to be there at the hospital and then insisted on going in to see ds1 asap after i had him, when my parents found this out the next day my mum was really upset, as she had stayed where i asked her too but mil didnt. hence mil was totally barred from the hosptial with ds2.

and then she begrudgingly said yes you did have a bit of a rought time with him!!!!!! i nearly fing died!!!

I'm not a fan of MIL's believe me but why do so many MN's think that their mother/family can visit but their DH's mother/family must stay away? They are all grandparents.

I wonder how we will all feel when our grown up son's turn round and say we're not wanted, please stay away and by the way DIL's family will be at the hospital 24/7...

I think basically the same rules - visit or don't visit - should apply equally.

I'm expecting a battle royale on this issue.

We're overseas and I'm due at the end of January. I cannot stand my FIL - he is a rude, hyper-critical, childish, self-centred man. After his last visit, he is now banned from our house (for telling husband I was a slattern and essentially implying that he should have married some rosy-cheeked Catholic homebody, not an atheist career woman like me). My husband doesn't like him any more than I do.

We've invited my mum to come and stay straight away, and also my husband's mother (but not father). We get a very cold winter and smoking is allowed in all buildings here, so as FIL isn't allowed in our house and we can't meet at a smoky hotel or restaurant, he'll have to wait until it's warm enough for the baby to be outside before he can come. This will be at least April.

I am afraid I have zero sympathy for the "ah, but it's his grandchild" school of thought. Before he slagged me off so roundly to my husband while staying under my roof, he should have stopped and thought "if I am lucky enough to get any grandchildren, they are going to come out of this woman's body. Perhaps I should bite my f---ing tongue."

im sorry but it is not the dh that has to go through the pain and embressing things like vomiting or pooping. most FIL have not seen the mother in any such state. the mother is the one that is going through a very big change, event, some times surgery or even close to death. shes the one having her hormone thrown a loop. i could see why she may want her family there as she feels most comfortable in the after birth state. i however wouldnt want every one there.
now yes having a new baby in the family is exciting but why does every one have too see the baby the moment it comes out. the mom and dad of baby are probley the most excited and need that time to bond. i have read many a book sugresting that many visitors (expetionaly the ones mom is not confortable around) right after birth is contribution factor in baby blues or mothers not bonding with baby.
id rather see women have p-off families or FIL then hear any more about a women who harms/kills her baby or/and herself do to not feeling conected/ happy / wanted...... in the old days even the father wasnt to see the baby right away.
what ever the women (as it is her body doing the amazing/ scary thing and the baby is not the only one who went through something tramatic/ wonderful) she should get to decide whats right for HER recovery.

I refused to have my inlaws to the hopital.
I just felt it was too much of a personal invasion to havew them there seeing me hobbling around , blood stained sheets etc
My parents did come to the hospital though but I felt like I wanted my mum there iykwim
First time MIL was very good and didn't come to visit until 3 weeks after ds was born and stayed a week
Second time they booked ahotel for a week on the due date to make sure they were there.
Still didn't come to the hospital but I still thought it was rude to just book and not ask

I'm quite lucky, there is only MIL/FIL and BIL that are likely to visit at the hospital, I have no family/close friends particularly close by and MIL is going to be a birthing partner so I'll probably only have about half hour of visiting from FIL/BIL.
Otherwise, I would be quite happy to say I didnt want any other visitors at the hospital, although I do feel the hospital is a better place for that onslaught of visitors than when you get home and are trying to get a routine sorted.
Its all down to your preference, could always say you are doing the claire verity method and cant have any visitors for two weeks

It depends how close you are to MIL too.
For example I would never have had her as my birthing partner. the very idea makes me shudder with horror!

Well, MIL and I arent particularly close, but I know she'll be great when she is there, Esp as I want a VBAC, and my birth plan followed as much as possible, I know DP would be all 'oh, do whatever makes her better' to the docs/midwives, whereas MIL will be 'No, thats not what she wants'.

YANBU

I banned all visitors! My dh understood when i said 'I don't know how I will feel but I will have just have squeazed out the equivilent of a melon out of your willy so I get to say what I want after that'. PIL got to see baby on day 2 and we went to their house to control amount of time. Then I had a nightmare visit where mil/sil 2 neices came round and they would not put baby down even when she screamed blue murder. Still gets me now. Next time, no visitors at hospital, brief visit, when we are ready to pil house (10 min away). Then whatever suits us after that for the first 2 weeks.

You are the one going thro the fun of birth. You are the one who will feel rough/sore/tired beyond belief etc...I notice my mil/sil seemed to conveniently 'forget' how it was for them.

And as for when I'm a grandparent. Its my dd decision, whatever is right for her. And even if its 2 weeks/6 weeks whatever, well that's up to her and how she FEELS about it. Not about what I want. Lets not forget the main people in this are the mother and baby. They are the one's with the most important needs. What is bad for mother is bad for baby.

Now go tell husband he has to squeeze out a melon and would he like visitors with that

ally90, thats all well and good, but what if you had a son? and his dp/dw didnt want you round for a few weeks, yet her parents were there??
I think thats the point people are making about when they are grandparents.
Although I agree with the way you handled it

YANBU at all. You have just done the equivalent of running a marathon, except this marathon involved your dainty bits.
Or, you have just had major abdominal surgery.

I didn't want anyone to come at either birth but unfortunately my wishes were ignored the first time.
People didn't come the second time as the novelty had worn off I think.

My mum was at the birth of Ds1 at my end for support, not the business end.
PIL came not long after I had moved to the maternity ward with my boobs out everywhere trying to get feeding established and sat legs akimbo on the bed as it was the only way I could sit comfortably. I don't like my MIL much and she would not give me my baby back once she had a hold of him.

With Ds2 I haemorraged severely(sp?) so people stayed away. I had to stay in for 4 days afterwards so I called my mum to come up but that was it.

When does anyone get any time to have all these visitors??? I was in hospital for 3 days in theory, but actually I only had one day where I was in bed and receiving visitors (in labour all the previous day, discharged early the next). I had my Mum for one visitor session and my Dad for the other. There really wasn't time to see anyone else. We had DH's parents to visit as soon as they were able, which was fine.
I was actually more upset with my family, who insisted on coming around all the time. I would rather have seen them in hospital which is a more controlled environment, but I didn't have the choice. The previous baby in the family had been prem, and so the Mum had been in hospital for a week and "received" everyone there, so I suppose they thought that that was now protocol to be able to visit a newborn.

I love my mum and dad but in my birth plan I stated that I didn't want them let in during the birth. Not as daft as it sounds as I texted when I was on the way to hospital ( stupid I know but I was 10 days overdue) then Mum said when she hadn't heard by the next morning she was going to drive straight to the hospital.

I enjoyed having some visitors, but my Dad drove me crazy. He started camcording the minute he saw DS and myself ( 5 hours post c-section still bloated with drugs) and his first question was what school had we put DS down for, eh, didn't even know we had agreed on private school. It was lovely to see them though.

They came again on the third day with my aunt, DS was just learning to latch on and again out came the cam corder, at which point I did put my foot down. Then they wouldn't flipping leave for about 2 hours. It was like some Alan Bennet play, 3 oldies yapping on about how loud the music was in Tescos these days, my Dad expecting me to be a world authority on where to punch his parking ticket , um not too sure actually Dad I was in labour when I arrived, and me wondering if DS would ever let go of my boob and if BF was meant to hurt so much.

Anyway long ramble. I thing GPs should get to see their GC unless they have been disrespectful to its parents HOWEVER they should only visit for short periods, 15 mins is plenty long enough to coo over the baby and present gifts.

I am not saying that MIL's should be at the birth!!! What I am saying is that it seems unfair to me to have the mother's family there a lot but tell the husband's to stay away totally.

If they're all banned fair enough.

I think they should be allowed to visit for half an hour if the mother's family are camping out at the hospital. If the in laws are psychos fair enough but more often than not it's a personality thing. As I say, how are we going to feel when our sons turn round and say we have to wait.. and wait.

(I suspect there are some mumsnetters who are going to turn into the MIL's from hell? )

Lorayn...I'm not in contact with my family (from hell) so there was only pil to consider. As a MIL I would not expect an invite while my dil was in hospital...I mean, its all a bit personal...bloody sheets, norks out and all bloated and boz eyed. Something you don't really want anyone too see, dh and parents at a pinch. I would leave invite up to DIL and DS...mainly led by dil as she's the one who has been thro the mill.

Its totally up to you- you could compromise with say max 30 minutes, but its your choice. DS3 was born in hospital at 3 am, by 6am I was helping out on the ward (don't ask!!), dischargeed at 1. MIL came about 6, stayed until midnight - got really uppity when I said I was tired (and banished me from myonw living room to BF...)

Do as you see fit.

It's your baby your choice. And I don't agree with the idea that just beacuse you want your Mum there that DH family have to come too. I only have a ds so will probably be a MIL one day but will not impose my will on dil and tell her how to run her life - therefore we'll probably get on OK and she'll want me to visit but if not then I'll wait.

My MIL tunred up at the hospital (thankfully there were strict waiting timnes) and brought her 3 other GCs which everyone knows would not have been allowed in as they weren't my dcs ifswim? She made a big scence with the midwives and begged for them to come in - threw a tantrum when I wouldn't bring ds out of the ward and then wondered why she wasn't invited back to our house!!!