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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no visitors at hospital when I have my baby?

105 replies

teabags · 13/02/2007 13:09

My view is I will have 2 days to be by myself with my new baby in the hospital before I go home. I already have a DS. In laws presume they will visit me in hospital. DH says it is normal for family to want to do that, I guess he has a point.
(I hated having visitors last time)

OP posts:
doormat · 14/02/2007 21:55

would you like to wait 2 days to see your grandchild when it is born

just putting it in another perspective

I realise it is your choice and decision but you have to put yourself into someone elses shoes also.
good luck on whatever you decide

frenziednester · 14/02/2007 22:52

easier to get rid of them in hospital than at home

macneil · 14/02/2007 23:03

It was easy for me as I'm in a different country from family - my mum came and stayed with me - and I don't have friends of my own in this country and there was no question of my husband's friends coming. I've carved out a reputation of being an antisocial hard-ass, which is handy at times like this. The few days after birth were hellish, undignified, naked, weeping, etc, and I would have lost it completely if people were coming in with balloons and soft toys.

kama · 14/02/2007 23:04

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bristols · 14/02/2007 23:07

I haven't read the other posts but I think its a great idea to say no visitors other than grand parents. DH and I both work at the hospital where I gave birth which meant that loads of friends/colleagues were able to get onto the ward to see me. It was dreadful. Feeling sore, looking dreadful (I don't normally go to the shop with no make up or hair done) and worrying about bleeding everywhere. This was my first baby and I certainly won't be having any of that with the next one. Most people should understand.

aleciawalton · 28/10/2007 18:26

i really wanted that time in hospital just to heal and bond. my inlaws were very 'it's (baby) is more important me (them) and more important for me (them0 to bond'. that they got mad at my dh when he asked them not to come the day i had the baby (i almost bleed out and died). they came the next day and just picked up my ds and went walking in the ward after handing me flowers (which im alergic to, and they knew as we had lived with them for 6 months) and chocolate. his mother even throw in that i would probley never lose the weight anyway. i just sat there alone, as dh went with them, crying. he then even asked them could they call before a visit to make sure we had time to dress, bath, tidy or walk up before they got there. reply was 'i have to make an appointment to see my own grandson'. it was really hard and in the end my dh couldnt deal and told them if they were not going to repect our feelings he could have nothing to do with them... that was 18 months ago and they have not called back.
i think the best thing for a new mum is time to relax, sleep and bond. your the mum and you have to look after this baby for the next 18 years, if you feel its best for you and baby then they should respect you.

pointydog · 28/10/2007 18:34

visiting time is usually 2 hours in the afternoon. You could limit it to half an hour.

Of course it's up to you. But if my grandchild was born, I'd be very upset not to see him/her. If your happiness is at risk by the visit, well fair enough I suppose.

MrsMcSpooky · 28/10/2007 19:08

Teabags reading this with interest as I feel the same way. This is my first baby (due January) my family live far away/abroad and won?t be coming up until a week or so later and even then, only for a day or so and I just feel that I don?t want my in-laws at the hospital when I am sure I will be tired, overwhelmed, sore, probably irritable and trying to concentrate on learning to feed and care for my baby. I?ve told my DH that I don?t want him to tell them when I am in labour because they?ll just turn up. I do worry about them crowding us a lot

LoveAngel · 28/10/2007 19:24

I said no visitors....and they still came (FGS!). And I really didn't want any visitors other than my husband, mum and sister, so was mightily peeved when friends, cousins, aunties started turning up. I had just had a c-section and a sleepless night...didn't feel like making small talk and handing my new baby around. Grrr. Next time I will be saying 'NO' in a much much sterner tone. And same goes for visits at home for the first week or so.

Minum · 28/10/2007 19:33

I came home a few hours after the birth with DS2 and we had a big party in the evening - 20+ guests, a big BBQ, such fun, and a real celebration of a new life, I loved it. A few days later we had real quiet time, just the four of us, but I'll never forget that night, it was just wonderful. I really understand the need to be on your own with a new baby, but the celebration aspect is really important too.

WinkyWinkola · 28/10/2007 19:34

Up to you entirely. I don't think it's out of order to ask people to wait.

In fact, if you feel really strongly, don't tell anyone you're in labour and tell them about the birth a couple of hours later. That'll give you some time alone perhaps without offence.

If I were a granny, I'd completely understand a new mum wanting a couple of days alone with her baby, DH and her other child. Even a couple of weeks if that's what she wanted. I believe new mums should be totally indulged in their whims after all the hard work they've done!

TinyGang · 28/10/2007 19:34

I understand where you'e coming from. Yes indeedy. I remember the visitor nightmare. They meant well and yet and yet....hell is other people and all that.

The only thing I would say is that they will come no matter what. Better to get them 'visited' while you are in hospital rather than when you come home.

The reason I say that is that when you are home there is no 'end' time and you have to keep making them tea and tidying up.

In hospital there is an end time, limited space and they can get their own tea.

Ineedacleaner · 28/10/2007 20:01

'i have to make an appointment to see my own grandson'

My mother in law said exactly the same thing after DD was born.
I think kinda that YANBU. I totally think it is up to you to have visitors or not I personally loved my visitors but can also see why you wouldn't. But I think it is a bit unreasonable to say you will have your sister there but not allow your DH's family. Yes you were the one to go through labour and delivery and will be knackered and feeling grotty but this baby is your dh's baby as well and I can see how he could be very hurt that you let your sister visit when his family are banned. He will be a proud dad and want to share this special time with his parents.

And like others have said at least in hospital they will be restricted by visiting times. When I had dd I also managed to cut MIL down to a very short visit as I was giving dd her very first proper bf and had the ward sister with me so she sent dp off to head his mum off and leave me in peace.

Think about years down the line and how excited you will feel when your babies have babies.
My dad was one of the first people to hold dd after me as he was in the hospital after he and my mum ditched work and drove 200 miles at stupid o clock in the morning when They heard I was in labour and I will never ever forget the look on his face as he gazed at his babies 1st baby.

fruitful · 28/10/2007 20:25

I think probably Teabags has had her baby by now!

I think it is reasonable to ask visitors to phone you and arrange a time - if they are that keen to see you they can pay the cost of a call to your bedside phone. Stress that hospital rules say only 2 visitors at at time, and you'd hate to turn them away. That way you can make sure they come at a good time and not at all if you don't feel up to it.

I think it is also reasonable to ask them to leave after 20-30 minutes. Or to announce that it is feeding time and you can't do it yet with people watching. And it might well take an hour, and you're going to sleep afterwards.

And it is completely reasonable not to wake the baby for them!

pointydog · 28/10/2007 20:38

har, yes! thread from Feb - didn't realise

NotAlert · 29/10/2007 11:39

Am that some people seem to feel that a new mum's own family have precedence over the in-laws. OK, the dad hasn't been pregnant/given birth, but neither did he choose to opt out of it and let/make his partner do it instead?!? Just don't get this inference that the in-laws are 'second class' visitors - it's their grandchild too. Not that I'm saying all and sundry should be allowed to visit - that's a personal decision for each new set of parents to make.

sKerryMum · 29/10/2007 11:42

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Spillage21 · 29/10/2007 12:44

When my sister had her baby, despite being hugely excited my Mum waited until she was invited to see her first grandchild.

She then heard that my sister's in laws had raced to the hospital at the first announcement phonecall and spent hours there. My Mum was very upset and offended.

So, maybe establish visiting groundrules beforehand.

Spillage21 · 29/10/2007 12:46

Just noticed thread was started in February! So it's all acdemic now...

BTW peace & postnatal ward - surely an oxymoron?

OrmIrian · 29/10/2007 12:50

No yanbu. It's up to you.

Personally I liked having visitors. Mind you the only people who did visit were my parents and MIL and an old family friend. No problem with any of those. I wouldn't have wanted them to stay away. But I did find myself getting unreasonably irritated by the mothers who had loads of visitors that came in, moved all the chairs around her bed so that there wasn't room to move anywhere and seemed to stay for hours.

HotLove · 29/10/2007 13:22

YANBU but in my experience its better having loads of folk up to the hospital rather than when you come home cause you have to make cups fo tea and home and feel you have to hoover before people come - at the hospital you just sit in bed and chat and pass the baby around, it also breaks the day up a bit.

MrsMcSpooky · 29/10/2007 14:56

LOL well spotted Fruitful

ManchesterMummy · 29/10/2007 14:57

My favourite topic!

No you are not being unreasonable. I said no visitors then relented and said my parents and MIL and SIL could come. Then I got discharged before visiting hours (I begged having had three hours sleep over the course of 48 hours). So they all came to the house 5 mins after we got home. And haven't really gone away since (dd is 19 days old).

Second the comment about not telling anyone you're in labour though. MIL made us promise we would - we lied and she got the news when we were ready!

FioFio · 29/10/2007 15:00

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mustsleep · 29/10/2007 15:06

definately don't have any visitors if you don;t want any

i only wanted h, ds my mum dad, and sister but couldn;t really not invite mil round

she came round about two hours after i had been discharged from the hospial (about ten hours after the birth) told me i still looked pregnant (silly bitch) and then i had to make her her tea b4 she would piss off home

twp year later am still fuming