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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DS a white lie about why he won't have any siblings?

79 replies

Bubspub · 13/11/2016 08:08

My 18mo DS has been a very challenging baby. I know these things are relative but that's been my experience of him. He was a 'reflux baby', hugely emotional, demanding, impatient, many tantrums from very early on and unable to take anything 'in his stride', every tiny thing is the end of the world . We love him to bits but when people ask us if we will have any more we have been known to laugh hysterically before yelling "are you f*cking joking??!!" and then crying .

In fairness, I had always thought I might be happy with one. DH had said in the past he wanted at least two but now he is adamant that we're 'one and done'. Soon after he was born I had the coil fitted and we began giving away things he had grown out of and would no longer need which shocked some of our friends but I guess we were very certain even that early on that we wouldn't have any more.

I know he's still very young but his language is beginning to pick up and I want to be prepared. AIBU to tell him a white lie if he asks for brothers and/or sisters or why he doesn't have them? I was thinking along the lines of '"you're everything mummy and daddy need and we want to focus on you"? Which is actually true too, it's just missing out the bit that says how much he's drained us! Apologies if I sound very negative, I've had PND which is beginning slowly to get better. Despite this, I am hugely grateful for him and he is my world! I welcome any suggestions of how to deal with questions about siblings in the future. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

teacher54321 · 13/11/2016 08:10

Ds is an only and is 4 1/2 and has never once asked why he doesn't have any brothers and sisters or said that he wants them. He asks for a puppy or a kitten almost daily though...

Scooby20 · 13/11/2016 08:14

I think you are over thinking this. You don't need to tell a white lie. If he ever asks it's just a case of ' we decided we just wanted one'. Most kids go through a phase of wanting a sibling.

My dd did. She asked a lot, we put off having a another and then decided to go for it. 2 days after I had found out I was pregnant (we hadn't told her) she told me she changed her mind and didn't want a brother or sister. She is 12 now and as much as she loves ds I am sure there are days she wishes she was an only

yellowflags · 13/11/2016 08:15

Yanbu but I also don't think you need to worry. Dd is an only and has never asked why. Dh is an only and said he never wanted siblings.

I also think that as the pnd recedes and he gets older the struggle of the first months will not be as raw. Our reasons for sticking at one are mainly the same as yours, but I find that as dd gets older I enjoy her so much more every day, and now my reasons feel positive ('we are really happy as we are') rather than negative (I could never do that again)

Starlight2345 · 13/11/2016 08:15

I think you are worrying about things you don't need to...The sibling decision is yours to make...You really do not have to explain why you made the decision not to have more...The you are all we ever wanted is perfectly fine explanation..It sounds like you have concerns..I have a 9 year old only child... I have never explained to him why he doesn't have a sibling.

Neoneon · 13/11/2016 08:15

One was enough darling....and then move on.

cheminotte · 13/11/2016 08:16

I hope you are getting treatment for your PND OP . I think you won't be getting any questions from him for a while yet, so you are over_thinking this. It's completely fine to say, we didn't need anyone other than you.
I have 2 boys and if people ask if I don't want a third so I can have a girl, I say -"and risk ending up with 3 boys, ha ha ha" . As they've got older it's become apparent they both have additional needs, which is another factor but one you can't really say.

PikachuSayBoo · 13/11/2016 08:19

Well I feel he asks just say that you couldn't have anymore. Which is true, mentally/emotionally you don't feel you can have anymore. That's what I told dd when she used to ask why she didn't have siblings and she just accepted that. I don't think there's any need to tell him it was because he was a difficult baby, etc.

Or you can just say you didn't want anymore because he's perfect, you only wanted one so you could focus on him but again not expanding to say it's because he was difficult.

Only1scoop · 13/11/2016 08:19

Overthinking here possibly

But when he's older I agree never let on the real reason.

lessthanBeau · 13/11/2016 08:20

Well you don't have to lie to you, just omit the fact that he was hard work.
My dm used to say my eldest brother was a little bastard! (In a light hearted way) and it was a family legend what a terrible baby and toddler he was.
He was always a handful until the day he died at 47, but we wouldn't have had him any other way. I was the second child and an absolute angel according to dm. Never say never, no two babies are the same.
Those hard work kids usually turn into the most amazing people.

Heatherjayne1972 · 13/11/2016 08:21

I felt like you -until she reached 5 and went to school
Then the brooding started and we had another
All I'm saying is it's fine to feel how you do but if you change your mind in the future that's ok too
And as for what to tell your LO I would wait until asked then give an age appropriate response

Chrisinthemorning · 13/11/2016 08:22

DS is 4, he's never asked about brothers and sisters. Even when his best friend had a new sister, he just seems to get on with it and assume that it's just something some people have and he doesn't - which is true!
I'm an only child and I don't think I ever asked about or wanted a sibling either.

GeorgeTheThird · 13/11/2016 08:23

You don't need to worry so much about this. This is time for vague answers like "we'll see" and "we only had one baby, didn't we" and "well that's just how things turned out". If he even asks, which he may not for ages.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 13/11/2016 08:24

I would just say 'we only ever wanted one child ' as your way sounds a bit intense imo.

Ds used to ask when he was little and I said " some families have lots of children and some have one or two. The doctor tells you how many you can safely have and the doctor said we could have you."

NinjaLeprechaun · 13/11/2016 08:32

I frequently tell my daughter that she talked herself into being an only child very early on.

Then again she's an adult, and has been absolutely adamant for almost her entire life that she never wanted any siblings. In her own words, she's too selfish to want to share the spotlight.
Of course, she also knows that this isn't the whole reason.

When she was younger I think I just told her that being a parent was harder than it looked, and that I knew one was all her dad and I could handle. (Also not the whole truth, but it will do.)

allowlsthinkalot · 13/11/2016 08:32

I have four and they still ask for a fifth! I just say "We've finished having babies" and there is never a why or a long winded explanation.

You may or may not feel differently in the future. I had a nightmare second baby and even though I'd always wanted a big family I didn't think I could do it again. I went on to have an easy peasy delight of a third baby when baby number 2 grew into a mature, sensible, sweet and easy toddler (unlike my others as toddlers!). Don't make any long term decisions now, just take life as it comes?

SatsukiKusakabe · 13/11/2016 08:35

My ds sounds the same as yours - every aspect was difficult and we thought we'd stop at him. However, yours is only 18 months. When he got to two he started sleeping and....we now have a lovely dd too!

To be honest no1 is still an intense personality, but he is balanced out nicely by laid back dc2, and also challenged by her to accommodate her feelings and wants which has been really good for him. In turn, she adores him as much as we do and thrives on his energy and ideas. they also fight like cat and dog at times.

But, I was ready to stop at one and if I had didn't even consider what I'd say. Something like we felt complete as a three? If you want to give more detail it's fine to say you didn't want to go through all the baby stage again as you found it hard.

allowlsthinkalot · 13/11/2016 08:36

And difficult baby is seven now and we joke about what a nightmare she was and that she nearly put us off having more. She thinks it's hilarious.

I think "you're everything we needed" puts a lot of pressure and expectations on a child and "we don't want any more" is explanation enough.

AmyInTheBoonies · 13/11/2016 08:36

Dd is a very high maintenance, intense child. I've lived through reflux, endless crying and whining etc.

She's four now and I feel the same as you - no more kids for us. I am still on my knees with her in a way that other people have long moved on from. They are on to second babies or a more chilled pace by now.

Anyway she has not asked yet but I will just tell her I only ever wanted one and am perfectly content with just her.

ToastyFingers · 13/11/2016 08:42

Dd1 was/is difficult, in a way the best thing a did was having another, Dd2 is so mellow (and mischievous too) and it's really rubbed off on Dd1.

Plus, after having terrible pnd first time round, it was nice to experience all the lovely happy baby-snuggle moments everyone talked about.

I said no more ever after Dd1 but now I'd quite like a third.

Ditsy4 · 13/11/2016 08:43

My first was horrendous.Doctor told me at two and a half that he didn't think he would make it. I was shocked as I felt little support was given and no investigation. Reflux. Dairy allergy poss. Failure to thrive. He was the loveliest little boy at three and went on to be the least trouble and is the loveliest, caring son I could wish for. Baby two was totally different. Big baby, easy baby, slept although early riser. Went on to successful career. Three was tiny and had some health problems, quiet and shy still is. Four just arrived and had to fit in. Carted around to football matches (her brothers) and was the least problem and most independent. Went off to Uni and hasn't come back! We see her about five or six times a year. Just to say they are all different.
I changed my mind when DS 1 was two and hormones took over!
However I also think you are overthinking. He probably won't ask until he is about seven. Lots of kids now are only ones. Just say we just wanted you. Tell him when he is in his twenties if you want. Don't tell him when he is a teenager as they already feel unloved because they are a teenager...hormones!

ConvincingLiar · 13/11/2016 08:47

I think "we only wanted you" is enough. DH was left with the impression that he was an only child because his parents, mainly his mum, found him too difficult. With hindsight he wasn't at all difficult but she probably had PND. Please give your child the impression that this is a positive choice rather than you not wanting to repeat an awful experience.

MrsFilthPacket · 13/11/2016 08:48

DD1 was like your son. DD2 was the easiest, most placid baby ever. I leave you to imagine which is the most difficult teen!

AllTheBabies · 13/11/2016 08:49

I think you're over thinking it. My dd1 was an only till she was 5 and I don't think she ever asked why I hadn't had another baby. Occasionally she would express a vague desire to have a baby sister but that was only from age 4 upwards and the subject was forgotten within a split second.

JustHappy3 · 13/11/2016 08:51

Definitely overthinking.

Thinkingblonde · 13/11/2016 08:54

Don't tell him the reason was because he was difficult and hard work!

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