To tell DS a white lie about why he won't have any siblings?

[Bubspub]

My 18mo DS has been a very challenging baby. I know these things are relative but that's been my experience of him. He was a 'reflux baby', hugely emotional, demanding, impatient, many tantrums from very early on and unable to take anything 'in his stride', every tiny thing is the end of the world . We love him to bits but when people ask us if we will have any more we have been known to laugh hysterically before yelling "are you f*cking joking??!!" and then crying .

In fairness, I had always thought I might be happy with one. DH had said in the past he wanted at least two but now he is adamant that we're 'one and done'. Soon after he was born I had the coil fitted and we began giving away things he had grown out of and would no longer need which shocked some of our friends but I guess we were very certain even that early on that we wouldn't have any more.

I know he's still very young but his language is beginning to pick up and I want to be prepared. AIBU to tell him a white lie if he asks for brothers and/or sisters or why he doesn't have them? I was thinking along the lines of '"you're everything mummy and daddy need and we want to focus on you"? Which is actually true too, it's just missing out the bit that says how much he's drained us! Apologies if I sound very negative, I've had PND which is beginning slowly to get better. Despite this, I am hugely grateful for him and he is my world! I welcome any suggestions of how to deal with questions about siblings in the future. Thanks for reading x

I wouldn't focus on the reason being that he was enough for YOU....I'd just say something like "Some Mummies and Daddies just get one special baby and we got you!" in a cheerful fashion.

I'm one of two and I asked constantly if I could have another sibling. I actually don't think I ever got a straight answer, ever! I think my parents just said "we're not having any more babies now" and that was that.

Don't worry you won't have to go into detail. And it seems lots of parents get this question not just parents of only one child (as demonstrated by the PP upthread with four!)

Don't give that lengthy explanation.
As others have said the actual truth is also " I always thought one was the right number for me"

My DS is 13 and an only. When he asked, many years ago, I just said we had decided to have only him, so that we could dedicate all our time and energy to him. He was happy with that explanation, especially after spending time playing with other children whose younger siblings were "annoying" (his words)

DD has asked when she'll have a brother or sister. We tell her we only need her and that some families have lots of children, some have 1 and some have none. She's always been fine with that.

The truth is she barely slept until she was nearly 2, then we thought about another but wanted to wait until we had moved to a decent sized house. Then just after we'd moved to said decent sized house it dawned on me that I didn't want any more! It was a positive thought, that I was happy with just one. DP agreed and I've not waivered, despite all my friends with one, having another and being pretty surprised at our decision.

Just be matter of fact about it and he will be fine. DD asks for a rabbit more often than a sibling!

If the thought of having another one reduces you to public tears then there is quite a bit you have to work through. A child who is hard work at 18m may not be hard work at 4/5/6. Children change very very rapidly. DS is nearly 5 and has been an only child up to now but won't be for much longer. He has never ever asked why he doesn't have a sibling. Ever. And yes like PPs he has frequently asked for a dog or a kitten. I am an only child. I never remember asking or wondering why I didn't have a sibling. That's just how it was. If I may suggest, gently, that perhaps you are still struggling with the idea of how motherhood round 1 has been then you should talk to someone?

We are in a similar position! Our DS is almost three and a love him to bits but like yours he is/always had been (to us ) hard work.

He was also demanding/impatient/easily bored from an early age - I literally had to go out every single day on maternity leave and then weekends and holidays when I returned to work as he needs constant enetertainment/change of scenery.

All that plus a difficult and traumatic birtn means we are not having more.

If he ever asks I just plan to say 'we weren't able to have more' which, as someone up thread said, is true - the reasons are psychological rather than physical but they are still equally valid. I actually say 'we can't have more' when people start asking - it is a good way to end the conversation!

Thanks so much everyone for your comprehensive and honest replies. I totally take on board that I'm probably overthinking this a bit, and also that my explanation of that is probably a bit intense. I guess part of that overthinking and intensity relates to the PND although I've always been a bit of a ruminator. And yes I'm getting treatment for the PND, thanks for asking I know it will probably be a while before he asks but I think when he does we'll just keep it simple and say 'we're a family of three and happy this way' and hope that answers it! X X

You're overthinking it. The child you have now could be very different in a matter of weeks, chill there's no rush to make a decision either way.

DD is an only because of circumstances and because she was a very easy baby and I didn't want to jinx it. When she asked about siblings I told her that it would've had a big impact on our lives (financially, emotionally etc) and that having a child is a big decision and one that you had to be pretty sure about. It's also cool that her friends are very much divided about the benefits of siblings.

Am overwhelmed (in a good way!) with all your responses, thank you so much!

It's interesting about the poster who said their partner was aware that his mother had found him 'difficult' and that she probably had PND. It's interesting considering the level to which I would be honest in the future though I know this is a really long way off. It sounds like your husband's mother never specifically said she had PND but you/he had a suspicion. That makes me wonder if it might have just been better out in the open, rather than him thinking he was 'difficult'. But I know these things are a long way in the future for us. My priority is his self-esteem and our relationship and bond.

Again, sorry for overthinking and intensity. I do feel much better than I did btw and no longer crying in public (or private!). Thank you x

I'm another one with 4. Two of them have never said anything about the size of the family, one used to say they wished they were an only child and one desperately wanted me to have more. You can't please them all, well I can't anyway.

Pumpkinpie our dc sound very similar. I know people say "you don't know how they will be soon, they will change". But his personality traits have been persistent throughout. Things have improved slightly as he has learnt a bit better to wait (a tiny bit) for things. But he still hates waiting and let's us know very loudly that that's the case! I have 30 seconds to prepare weetabix before total and complete meltdown nail cutting and nappy changing feels like an assault (to both of us I'm sure) And he gets bored so quickly too. I love him so much but I realise that his very impatient, assertive personality is quite a challenge for my more gentle and slightly anxious personality. Obviously that's not his fault at all and I think part of this process has been about me working ways around that challenge for us. We're getting there! But the idea of any more, even if they were total angels, is unappealing. I like other people's children though! X

I felt exactly the same when dd was younger and always said she'd be an only child, however she grew up quicker than I imagined and now I'd love another dc in a few years. She was very clingy and a terrible sleeper for the first 2-3yrs of her life, but now she's more independent I actually miss it!

You don't have to explain your choices to your child.

DC now and again ask and I say no.

I realise that his very impatient, assertive personality - assertive knows what they want can be good personality traits - especially when children are older.

I found it helped to try and frame the personality trait positively especially when I was finding them hard to deal with.

My first was a Velcro child - wouldn't always tolerate her Dad holding her - it was very intense - co-sleeping constant carrying. I remember sitting happily with her in my lap at a play group and another mother rushing over saying I had just like that - oh it gets better - I was it was just how she was.

She had tantrums very early - picked what she liked to ware - went on later much than other children. However she is lovely confident - well liked and very driven but channels it.

My second child could be handed over to anyone - much happier and didn't start tantrums till around 2. Been much harder as he's grown up - still has explosive temper - is driven and much more in your face about it. Sometimes seems desperate for an argument.

They change over time. However even if yours doesn't you learn strategies.

One of mine wanted another child but at three we'd reached our limit - they were fine being told it wasn't going to happen. DH is an only don't think he ever asked for siblings but many people outside his family ask his parents why they only had one - which is very rude.

My own DM talks about me when a baby as this awful DC who cried all night. In reality my df says this wasn't the case at all. A few weeks of crying in reality. I've never had the greatest relationship with her.

I hadn't given any thought to this, I fret much more about the endless questions and hints from family, friends and work colleagues. I guess with DS I will just say that our family felt complete when he came along (and that animals are much more fun than siblings ). I was an only child for 8 years, I can never remember asking about siblings so don't worry OP :)

With regard everyone else I don't know what to say. I get almost daily comments. I would feel bad saying we can't have any more (although as DH has had a vasectomy this is true) as people might feel pity for me when actually it's a choice.

Have at least another 15 years of it I think as only in my twenties. Any tips much appreciated!

MrsGwyn I agree about framing the traits positive. DH and I are sure he will either end up running the country or going to prison!!! (I say that in jest obviously!). I can totally see how if we channel his energy he can achieve great things. And because we are only planning on having him I have managed to save quite a decent amount in his junior isa already (which I'm thankful I can do) which will be for him to go to university if that's what he wants to do x

Only1scoop sorry to hear this. I worry that our difficult start and my experience of him as 'challenging' will 'set the tone' for our future relationship. I hope not x

Of course it won't as you are already concerned enough to care and sound lovely to boot.

DM has always been glass half empty, lack of praise etc and I worry I go the other way with my dd who incidentally is an only....I would tick this one off your worry list Op.

Ds is 13 months and barely sleeps, day or night. He is lovely but fuck me, he is exhausting and i have pnd. It's been so bad sometimes I've considered offing myself. Haven't had any help despite begging for it (no one seems to gaf...)
I don't like calling him difficult- not sure why but there's something about it that makes me uncomfortable. He is a lot of hard work though. People keep telling us he will will change but they've been saying that for a year and he hasn't.
I did want another baby but another like this will kill me. So hard choices to be made
Totally your choice but kids can be very sensitive-don't EVER tell him it was because he was difficult. A simple 'we just had you' or 'all families are different sizes' will do. Even when he's older I wouldn't tell him.

Thank you only1scoop. I bet you've learnt really valuable lessons and your dc has a very thoughtful, supportive mum as a result xx

My only has never asked why or for a sibling. In fact aged 5 he stated he never wanted any. I think he realised he's onto a good thing!

Sorry to hear you've not had support thehubbles, did your GP give you any medication? I feel your pain honestly I think you're right not to use the word 'difficult'. I know I've used it (and I'm ashamed to say worse when I've been at my wits end) but I think I should stop using it now and try to reframe it. I agree. I hope you start to feel better soon. Apparently in some areas you can self-refer for psychology and counselling. I'm saying that even though I've not done it myself x X

just say 'ooh one was lovely' and move on...
he may never ask.