To tell DS a white lie about why he won't have any siblings?

[Bubspub]

My 18mo DS has been a very challenging baby. I know these things are relative but that's been my experience of him. He was a 'reflux baby', hugely emotional, demanding, impatient, many tantrums from very early on and unable to take anything 'in his stride', every tiny thing is the end of the world . We love him to bits but when people ask us if we will have any more we have been known to laugh hysterically before yelling "are you f*cking joking??!!" and then crying .

In fairness, I had always thought I might be happy with one. DH had said in the past he wanted at least two but now he is adamant that we're 'one and done'. Soon after he was born I had the coil fitted and we began giving away things he had grown out of and would no longer need which shocked some of our friends but I guess we were very certain even that early on that we wouldn't have any more.

I know he's still very young but his language is beginning to pick up and I want to be prepared. AIBU to tell him a white lie if he asks for brothers and/or sisters or why he doesn't have them? I was thinking along the lines of '"you're everything mummy and daddy need and we want to focus on you"? Which is actually true too, it's just missing out the bit that says how much he's drained us! Apologies if I sound very negative, I've had PND which is beginning slowly to get better. Despite this, I am hugely grateful for him and he is my world! I welcome any suggestions of how to deal with questions about siblings in the future. Thanks for reading x

Yes Lionsleeps, there's definite advantages! X

I did the same as you, gave everything away, couldn't contemplate any more. 2.5 years later changed my mind & she was easy least! Sorry not helpful

Don't assume he'll even ask. Some do some don't. My daughter is 12 and has never asked. I did ask her out of my own curiosity once "does it ever bother you that I didn't have more children?" and she looked at me like i'd gone mad. It's the only life shes known i guess. I also like you had pnd which was awful and I use to get a bit upset with other adults asking "whens the next one?" but people give up so thats good.. Whatever you decide to do in the future it'll be fine. If he does ever ask just say "families come in different shapes and sizes." Keep positive and don't feel bad.

We went with 'We felt like our family was complete - we are happy together the three of us'. We never said 'Because we would crack up...' DS is nearly 7 - still super intense, high energy and 'spirited'.

That's interesting ifcats. When I was a little girl I wanted a little brother so I remember asking my mum and I think subjecting her to quite detailed and prolonged questioning! I was a 'thinker' even back then. But you're right, I can't assume that he'll even ask really can I.

Famalam, I know what you mean, people constantly ask 'when's the next one' or tell you you'll change your mind. I think slowly that will subside as people realise you mean it. It is a choice, not something to be pitied, and something that has benefits if it's the right decision for your family. Single child families are becoming more common but some people still hold the view that 'you can't just have one' and we won't change those people's views. But I have met plenty of perfectly brilliant people who were only children who are evidence that it's the right thing for some families x

bubspub I really hope the replies have made you feel better. I may seem all bright and breezy about it but i'm years on and remember feeling exactly as you do now. The older i get the less I care what anyone makes of my decisions. I did smile at you grilling your mum over having a baby brother. I have only been grilled on why I won't buy her a pug at the moment..

My children are older now (teens) and we are somewhat honest about how hard it is to have babies and toddlers including them! They love to hear tales of their births (I don't go on about the pain but I have mentioned it), of their naughty toddler moments, they even remember some of the more spectacular defiant moments, 'remember the time I ran away for 30 min and you called the police'.

I wouldn't be brutally honest, but over time there may be a way to fit all of this into a narrative which is kind to them but also truthful when they are older.

As for one-child families, I know lots, who have had one for different reasons- one because of a very difficult child, one as they love the lifestyle of being able to go away, one as older father. They all seem very happy and their decisions back then don't really impact on now. I think having one child is completely normal and as everyone has said, if anyone asks 'any more?' just say 'we're fine as we are, thanks' and turn away, don't let them start blathering on about siblings etc. If they want a big family, they are free to do so!

In my experience, it's reception when that starts. When other people in his world start adding to their families. I would not waste time worrying about this now. Our youngest dd (by 10 years) desperately wanted a younger brother or sister. I was just very honest that she was our last

My ds is still impatient, has problems with waiting, things being slightly 'wrong' etc, but he is older and is starting to learn to cope and that the world cannot revolve around him; personalities don't change, but can take on a different shape and mature.

His intensity and insistence on justice and things being just so are serving him very well at school - he is a stickler for rules and has an extremely good concentration span and persistence in the things he wants to do. He can colour patiently for literally 2 hours straight after school, something I wouldn't have thought possible when he was two and three. The energy that used to have me tearing my hair out when he was 'packing' various objects into various places constantly as a toddler, has evolved into him being very capable and particular at tidying his room. I know it's difficult to see now, but things can change, even if his personality doesn't.

I had PTSD after my first and was depressed in my second pregnancy; I had counselling before the second birth where I talked out all my feelings about the first one, and it was very healing. You are right in the thick of it at the moment, give yourself time.

Also, my niece is an only and has always been more than happy and secure and never questioned it as far as I know. There is no right way to do life; it's what works for you and your family.

The same people that badger you about the next one when you have only one, then start insisting your family is complete when you've had two, even though it remains none of their business.

We are only having one. He was hard work as a baby too, but we'd already decided, before he came along.

If he ever asks we're just going to tell him that we got it so right first time we didn't need another go.

Hopefully he'll be so appalled at our cringiness he won't ask again.

My DS is fourteen and he never asked for a sibling, never wanted one in fact even though we tried for six years for another one and were unsuccessful.

TBH I don't believe children need to know anythinG more than "we just didn't." It shouldn't concern them, and in truth these things are only really topical (even to others) while the DC are young. Even the people who talk about having only children being selfish/lonely/ only tend to care while the DC are toddlers and the idea of another baby sounds cute.

Me and my eXH are no longer together and he has a baby with his DP. When they first told DS she was pregnant he was upset, and eXH did tel him then that we had tried for years for another baby and it hadn't happened (he was twelve at the time,) When he asked me about it I said that yes, I would have liked more but then a time came when the age gap would have been too big so that time had passed.

The idea of having another baby now fills me with horror TBH, although sometimes I threaten to have another one when my fourteen year old tells me he'll leave home one day. I have also recently been seriously ill so actually even if I'd wanted more (which I don't), more children would be out of the question anyway.

I do keep trying to tell DP that a kitten would really help my recovery though. for some reason he just isn't listening to me. .

My dd was like this - very difficult (later diagnosed with ASD). I must admit she actually got a lot easier when ds came along but maybe that is because she also started school around the same time.

When he is genuinely old enough to understand, don't be afraid of saying that you were very unwell for sometime after his birth and that you didn't want him to suffer if it happened again after another pregnancy. I don't doubt that you have his best interests at heard so it is ok to make that clear in your explanation, just don't say it was down to his demanding personality haha. I do honestly think having to get used to a younger sibling would help with that but don't have another for that reason in case I am wrong

People will keep asking but they do that no matter how many you have, nosy buggers

Firstly, I think you have years before you'll need an answer, if ever.

Don't give an answer that is negative about other people's families. "You were perfect/enough for us" and "you are all we needed" implies that larger families had more children because their eldest wasn't good enough in some way. Keep it simple and positive.

There is nothing wrong with telling your child what they were like as a baby when their older, so long as it is said with love. My parents tell stories about how I cried all the time as a baby! But they tell the story with affection and it's usually accompanied by when I was a toddler I laughed all the time to make up for it. Or you could say they have always known their mind, even as a baby they liked to have a say!

Definitely don't tell him that your decision was based on his behaviour as an infant and toddler! That could cause him to feel guilty about something he never had any control over.

My mother used to moan talk about the hard work of having three children. All through my childhood, she would complain about how each subsequent child more than doubled her workload. As the youngest, I always felt that my very existence must have been something of a burden in those early years. Don't get me wrong. My mother was very loving and devoted to us. But as a child I promised myself I wouldn't ever tell my own children how much work they caused. Children have no control over that, it is simply a fact of life.

I am an only and was always asking for siblings. My Mum told me when I was about 4 that she was too old (she had me at 41). The truth was that I was a difficult baby too. Though I guess the age thing could have been true too. One thing to consider - if you did have another chances are they would be a really easy baby.......

I hope when you eventually tell him he will be in his twenties and you explain that being a mum is hard and you had PND rather than telling him he was a nightmare.

For now just tell him you love him so much and he makes your family complete - which is also true.

"We did not want any more children."

If anything, it's a good lesson to teach him that it's perfectly OK for adults to say "We do not want any more children" without having to resort to lies or socially acceptable tales. No need to sugarcoat. We. Do. Not. Want. It's fine!

"We only wanted you" is a bit crap, as it suggests other parents thought the first was a duffer and wanted to see if Round 2 brought a better kid. That's the problem with all the smoochy Hallmark stuff - elevating your own status carries an odor of pissing on everyone else's and with little kids, it usually means them marching into nursery to tell everyone at top volume "My mum only wanted me, so what was YOUR mum thinking of having five, eh?"

Yep I hear what you're saying. Would not want/did not mean to suggest people with multiple children families are lesser, i take my hat off to parents of multiple siblings and I think siblings must be a great thing. Just trying to reason it from my perspective where having an only is the right thing for my family. I will definitely be clear with him (if he asks) that we're complete because it's the right thing 'for us' rather than in general x

DS is 2. I am pregnant. When we ask him if he would like a baby he say 'No a duck' or 'A dic dic ' (biscuit) or 'beer' (he has NEVER had beer').

Haha Lulu that's brilliant! X

I'm an only. Never asked my parents why they only had me until I was in my teens. Answer: "we could only just afford to have one child, so we only had one child".

Very good, sensible answer. My parents say I never once asked them when I was younger why I didn't have brothers or sisters. So you're overthinking.

One may well be the right size family for you. I have three, we joke that of we had had number three first, he would have been an only. I was already an expert food allergy reflux baby mom but dear god he was something else. In a way I was lucky to have the others already as it would have broken me if I didn't have the others to smile for when he screamed day and night. But he is the most awesome fellow ever to walk this earth and we are all so lucky to have him in our family.

My middle would prefer to be an only and my eldest would be happy with a few more and perhaps a dog.

You will a way to come to terms with the early days. Try not to make it too big a part of your family story but I know how all consuming and eclipsing a needy child can be. Spin the story and make him the centre of your life not the weight that flings it around.

We are defined by what our parents day about us both out loud and in our heads. Whether he has heard it already or not, he will know. Drown the noise out with other stories.

Very wise words anotherday. Your words feel very real to me, I can tell you're the parent of a high needs child. Thank you for reminding me that this period won't define my family and his identity, that's super helpful x X