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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel this Christmas visit?

84 replies

MsGameandWatch · 13/11/2016 06:56

Dd has autism. She's very high functioning but just can't cope with busyness and noise and too much going on. This weekend we have been at my parents and it was massively busy, loads of relatives trooping in and out. She managed well into mid evening when one of my parents mildly told her off for something (I wasn't in the room) and she reacted very badly resulting in him yelling at her and her melting down completely. There is history to this. My Dad was very difficult and disbelieving about the diagnosis in the first place although he seemed to come round. No similar incidents in recent years. After she calmed down she managed to tell me she can't deal with all the noise here and we stayed too long - two nights. It's huge for her to manage to tell me this.

We are supposed to be here for three nights over Christmas. I don't want too. I know she won't cope and she has begged me to let her stay at home for Christmas and not being her away.

I know my parents will sulk if this is cancelled - for months most likely. For added information, they won't be alone at Christmas as other close family members will be there. We are a three hour drive away so not practical just to come for lunch.

Any thoughts please?

OP posts:
metaphoricus · 13/11/2016 09:54

Not exactly the same situation, as my dd has quite severe LD, and I was expected to hoik her to pils 300 miles away every xmas, where she was on unfamiliar territory, out of her comfort zone, the house was tiny and full of people, and was full of ornaments etc that she could get hold of and either chew or otherwise destroy.

It was more of a nightmare for me than it was for her though, as I was responsible for following her around stopping her doing things, taking her out of the room when she played up, sitting up with her when she wouldn't (or couldn't) sleep etc....
I did this for years, until I finally got fed up and told DH and MIL that it
was really just too difficult to face another such Xmas. The response was "Just because she has LD? She has as much right to be here as anybody else"
The point is, I know that, but if she obviously plays up more than usual and cries more than usual, and is less happy than usual, then she obviously has the right to turn down an invitation. And as she is unable to speak, then I must be her advocate. It didn't go down well. But I wish I'd done it years earlier, because now Xmas is engraved in my mind as an unhappy and stressful time which is hard to shake off.

My advice is obvious. Don't go and make bad memories for your dd.
And if they sulk? Tough.

SpookyMooky · 13/11/2016 09:57

It makes a difference whether, separate to your DD's needs, you/your partner/any other children would actively want to go.

A couple of PPs have mentioned creating a safe quiet retreat. That, plus shortening the visit, would make it much more manageable wouldn't it? You could go up on christmas eve, take the presents, drive back on christmas night. Or miss christmas itself and do boxing day or the day after. Or drive up one night, stay in hotel, visit in the day and drive back that night.

I do agree that it's good to break out of the "summons" from your parents as an adult, but I don't get the impression that that's driving your thinking here, and anyway if it were, it would be important to own the decision yourself and not put it all on DD's shoulders. It sounds to me that there is a compromise to be made here, while still addressing DD's concerns and needs.

mmgirish · 13/11/2016 10:21

Stay at home. Perhaps when she is older she can try again.

BigApple11 · 13/11/2016 10:31

Who is more important to you, your DD or your parents??

RedHelenB · 13/11/2016 10:48

Are there other children in your family apart from dd? If so, do they want to visit grandparents as planned?

Original poster
MsGameandWatch · 13/11/2016 10:49

Thanks so much for all your replies.

Just to answer some of the points. I don't have a DP/DH, am single parent. My parents wouldn't come to me and my place is very small so not massively practical for them to anyway. My mum is generally more understanding but I have caught on occasion being quite curt with my children and knowing what I know of her from my childhood I do sometimes think the "understanding" is not always genuine though to be fair she really does try I think.

I've spoken to dd and she said that she finds too hard to be here for more than a few hours because she doesn't have her ball - huge exercise ball that she bounces on to relieve stress - and she misses all her things. We already make the retreat for her and she actually spends 90% of the time we are here in there, which I suppose indicates how hard she finds it.

She told my Dad to shut up yesterday and that's what tipped him over the edge but I know exactly why she said that - not to be rude but because she literally couldn't take another word from anyone that she had to process and deal with. She cried and said "the wrong words come out of my mouth, I needed them to be quiet" when I asked her about it. The thing is he does get in her face a bit as he tries to make her laugh or treat her how he would other kids; who he is hugely popular with so I get that it's hard for him too.

The thing is I just have MASSES of stress in my life for various reasons - not just dd - and I could cry myself at the thought of having to come here and "manage" everything for three days out of our safe environment.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsGameandWatch · 13/11/2016 10:57

Yes I have another child and he doesn't mind as long as we visit at some point over Christmas even just for one day.

This morning alone there's her issues because my mum brought the bread she likes for her toast but the butter is "wrong" plus the apples haven't been in the fridge so don't have the "right" texture. I do see how this must be frustrating for my Mum as she has tried to do her best for dd but every visit here is just hours and hours of me "managing" every situation. At home everything just works iyswim?

My parents are moody people and swift to take offence - my dad is giving us all the silent treatment this morning but my mum would have us believe it's because he feels bad about shouting at dd. I don't believe that, he doesn't long being in the wrong hence the sulking. They dwell on perceived slights and they will thoroughly enjoy a lovely debrief of all the things that irritated them about our visit this time around. I've seen them do it many times. The more I write, the more I know I can't face Christmas here.

OP posts:
peachesandcreamdream · 13/11/2016 11:12

My DS isn't autistic and would hate that. Id put your DD first.

Sorry to hear your dad wasn't accepting Sad

PurpleMinionMummy · 13/11/2016 11:14

stay home, your dd comes first.

YouTheCat · 13/11/2016 11:31

Let them sulk.

I'd do one overnight between Christmas and New Year and if they don't like it tell them you won't be coming at all.

Both of my children are on the spectrum. My parents died when they were young but we always made the effort to visit my brothers between Christmas and New Year. It was always a very relaxed atmosphere and the kids coped well with that. It was stressful but manageable for one night.

Have a nice, relaxed Christmas at home.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2016 11:33

Op you have your answer right there! Stay at home for Christmas, have it where she is happy and comfortable, in her safe environment, not having to cope for days. Its a long time for her to be able to do that. It is unfair to put her in that situation. Mabey go up for a few hours if that is feasible, if not, stay at home.

yellowfrog · 13/11/2016 12:03

Stay home! Clearly-lovely Dd who tried her best to cope with something majorly out of her comfort zone definitely trumps parents who sulk about stuff. Have a lovely Christmas at home, Skype your parents (if they're not sulking - sod them if they're in a sulk) and relax.

Oh, and she's right about apples - cold apples are much better than warm ones Smile

TinPanAli · 13/11/2016 13:31

Your poor dd. She was obviously trying so hard.
It isn't fun for any of you.
It will be worse at Christmas.
Just decline, with regret, but say it just won't work.

fraggle84 · 13/11/2016 13:34

Christmas is about children!!

Don't go somewhere where they won't be happy

RandomMess · 13/11/2016 13:44

Can I just be brutally honest?

Why, why , why are you indulging what 2 adults WANT over what your 2 DC NEED?

Your parents are not trying to accommodate what their grandchildren NEED so stuff them do the Christmas you and your DC will enjoy rather than doing what your parents WANT in order to pander to them and avoid them sulking.

Your parents have you well trained...

haveacupoftea · 13/11/2016 13:55

I didnt realise the 3 hour drive would be on Christmas Day - stay home.

dustarr73 · 13/11/2016 14:04

Look its a few weeks too Christmas.So looka t it this way,you have done Christmas a few weeks early.Just go up teh New Year .

Fluffy24 · 13/11/2016 14:05

Good grief OP you poor thing Flowers

Your DParents have you really well trained (I know that often it's hard to see what these relationships look like from inside them so I understand that it's probably difficult for you to realise that they are way out of line).

Stay at home, visit after Christmas when things have quietened down, or suggest that they come to you (could they then stay in a hotel?).

It sounds like you and DD would have a miserable Christmas if you go - even if they don't really understand/see it themselves I suspect that your parents wouldn't want that.

Stay at home!!

WeAreUglyButWeHaveTheMusic · 13/11/2016 14:07

Christmas is about children!!

Um, no it's not.

Even if you take away what Christmas is actually about, though, and even if you take away the meaning of the Pagan celebration it piggy backed on to...

No member of the family is any more important than any other at Christmas. Therefore needs get met before wants get accommodated.

Needs always trump wants.

Ms your daughter's needs trump your parents wants, there's just nothing else to it, tbh.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 13/11/2016 14:16

Let them sulk!!! Ds has autism and we are very lucky that both sets of grand parents live very close and understand what ds needs. If your parents don't understand enough to make your dd comfortable in their home then don't go!!! It sounds like you need to try and stop worrying about pleasing your parents and focus on having a relaxing Christmas with your dc.

SW1A1AA · 13/11/2016 14:18

Stay home.

thatdearoctopus · 13/11/2016 14:24

What Ugly said! With bells on.
Whoever decreed that Christmas was about children? Hmm

SusanneLinder · 13/11/2016 14:27

I have a DD with ASD, and a grandson with HFA. I don't insist that anyone goes anywhere they dont want to go. We see DGS on Christmas morning, and year about for dinner. Family day on Boxing Day. If it gets too much for DD and DGS, they bog off upstairs and play video games or something. Nobody worries. Christmas can be stressful for kids on the spectrum.
If your parents can't cope or understand your childs needs, then spend Christmas at home. A 3 hr drive at Christmas would have me reaching for the hills!

DinosaursRoar · 13/11/2016 14:45

Time for new traditions. Ones that suit your family.

Stay at home. If your Dad gets upset and sulks, remind yourself that his emotional well-being isn't your job to protect, but your DD's is.

Can they visit but stay in a hotel near you?

Original poster
MsGameandWatch · 13/11/2016 16:58

What a lovely supportive lot you are Smile. I feel fully justified in cancelling now.

Believe it or not I am aware that we fall into the familiar patterns of when I was younger and I do fight it, especially since I had my children. I think they're very set in their ways and see Different as Dangerous iyswim?

They've overfed my dog as well despite repeated requests not to and he was sick in the car on the way home and is now lying lethargic in his crate Sad. I couldn't watch every second but I know the signs. They just can't seem to help themselves from overruling me and will do it secretly. I was about to type "they mean well" but they don't do they? It's as though the gratification they get from feeding the dog a ton of treats means more than his actually well being.

The whole thing is infuriating and stressful to be honest.

OP posts: