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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel this Christmas visit?

84 replies

MsGameandWatch · 13/11/2016 06:56

Dd has autism. She's very high functioning but just can't cope with busyness and noise and too much going on. This weekend we have been at my parents and it was massively busy, loads of relatives trooping in and out. She managed well into mid evening when one of my parents mildly told her off for something (I wasn't in the room) and she reacted very badly resulting in him yelling at her and her melting down completely. There is history to this. My Dad was very difficult and disbelieving about the diagnosis in the first place although he seemed to come round. No similar incidents in recent years. After she calmed down she managed to tell me she can't deal with all the noise here and we stayed too long - two nights. It's huge for her to manage to tell me this.

We are supposed to be here for three nights over Christmas. I don't want too. I know she won't cope and she has begged me to let her stay at home for Christmas and not being her away.

I know my parents will sulk if this is cancelled - for months most likely. For added information, they won't be alone at Christmas as other close family members will be there. We are a three hour drive away so not practical just to come for lunch.

Any thoughts please?

OP posts:

Chewingthecrud · 13/11/2016 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 13/11/2016 08:32

Your father told off & then yelled at your daughter.

Stay away!

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 13/11/2016 08:40

From one asd mum to another , if certain people are not willing to educate themselves so they can have an understanding of what its like to have autism or at least be empathetic then why should you put their wants before your child , how amazing for her to tell you that it was all too much please dont punish her by taking her anyway , maybe suggest some comprimises to her like stay one night , or go for dinner but sleep at a hotel or they can come visit you in the run up to christmas and maybe do a pre christmas lunch at yours with a set end time , my son tells people its time for them to go home sometimes , if grown adults are going to have pathetic childish strops then leave them to it just ignore it my fil is the king of the tantrum i dont even entertain him just totally ignore the patheticness of it , good luck

youarenotkiddingme · 13/11/2016 08:41

Dance that's a really helpful and insightful post. I lol at NT people thinking autistic people are inflexible my DS is autistic.

I agree stay at home or find a way you can do it to incorporate what your DD can manage.
I'm lucky that my parents are understanding - more so now than when he was younger - but they gets just can't manage all the social stuff. And they soon realised the stress and toll it takes in me feeling forced to attend these events with DS.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/11/2016 08:45

Your parents are presumably NT adults.

If they want to sulk about the happiness and mental wellbeing of their SN grandchild well, let them!

You can always drive up Boxing Day or the day after. Stay over or book a hotel. Or just don't!

I know families have to compromise but not on this, I don't think.

Your df has asked you for your help and support. Don't needlessly drop the ball to appease adult sulkers!

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 13/11/2016 08:46

Do you have other children too?

If it's only DD then do what you want! What have you done in previous years?

MidniteScribbler · 13/11/2016 08:46

I don't have a child with autism, but a number of years ago I made the decision that Christmas Day was just going to be us. We get up when we want, open presents in our pjs, go to the beach for a swim, eat when we want, and then have a lazy afternoon. In the evening, sometimes one of the neighbours will drop in for a drink. It's absolute bliss.

There is no law that says that you have to do anything other than exactly what it is that you want to do on Christmas Day. If that means staying home, then stay home.

jelly10 · 13/11/2016 08:51

I think you should do what's best for you and your DD, and it sounds like that's definitely staying at home. 3 nights is a long time and if she's going to find it really stressful no-one will enjoy it. Could your parents come to you? (Maybe an option for another year if this year's plans are made). Or could you go to them for 1-2 nights between Christmas and new year when there are fewer people staying with them?

GruffaloPants · 13/11/2016 08:53

The irony that people with ASCs are seen as inflexible when they can't fit in with the very rigid expectations of some NT people! Have the Christmas that works for you and your children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/11/2016 08:55

So an adult behaved inappropriately with a child diagnosed with a disability and he gets to sulk because you can no longer comply with the Christmas summons. No no no. Go up just after Christmas, perhaps on Boxing Day and stay overnight in a hotel and return home the next day.

Did you speak to your father about his behaviour? Your dd needs protection. You're the parents now. You get to decide what is best for your family. Your parents seriously need to understand the power shift.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2016 08:55

I have a dd with ASD, if she found those situations hard, it will not be happening. Have a lovely Christmas at home, where she is happy, comfortable and safe. Your dd comes first, not these relatives, she's told you she cannot cope with this.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2016 08:57

It has to be on your dd terms, if they cannot understand, stuff em! Tgey are already sceptical about ASD, and probably think she's putting it on, or that she's 'normal'. We get this from my mum.

BusStopBetty · 13/11/2016 08:57

Theee nights in someone else's house at Christmas is invariably horrible. Too many excited people in too little space.

I agree, either don't go, go for less time, or find somewhere else to stay - would air b&b or an apartment be possible instead of a hotel so you have a bit more space?

Dorsetmum18 · 13/11/2016 08:59

She has done so well to explain how she feels. I was going to say stay in a fab hotel for a night so you get to see them but also less stressful for your DD, but actually why not stay home as she wants but plan to see them after Xmas or even for NY when their house is quieter.

Write a letter to them offering the compromise, is your mum more accepting of the condition ? Its the generation, some just dont understand. Explain how upsetting the last situation was for her and for you and how you need their support. Say that she is your priority and they need to understand that. If your DF finds it so difficult they obviously it affests your visits, hopefully your mum will explain it to your dad ? Do you have other more understanding family you can see over Xmas, your DH family etc ?
Important for you not to be stressed and if they sulk then let them, if you have explained it all nicely in a letter they can't complain really.
Good luck deciding ...

Ditsy4 · 13/11/2016 09:03

I took my children to the in laws once never again. FIL feed them jelly tots and had them hype with sugar( didn't have sweets at home) small cottage and no garden just a yard. They were used to playing out. Over excited and when I tried to discipline to calm them down I was told to leave them alone but then they got too wild and he shouted at them. I went for a long walk next day and told DH that if we didn't go home the next day I would be leaving and go on the train. We never went anywhere again at Christmas.
I would stay home. Would it be possible to visit grandparents afterwards and stay in a hotel so that she could have some quiet time? Otherwise just let them sulk. Christmas is disruptive enough for Autistic children ( I have worked with quite a few) so their home is a safer haven.
If you have to go either a hotel or I do like chewings idea but everyone would have to respect it.

BalloonSlayer · 13/11/2016 09:06

We don't see anyone on Christmas Day/Boxing Day because we don't want to go anywhere. Our families are the same. We all say "We would love to see you and you are welcome to come to us but we don't want to go anywhere," we all understand, and we get together on the 27th, 28th, 29th, whenever.

A lot of my family members have animals which one of my DCs is allergic to, this cuts the visits down to quite short ones. I expect my family to understand this.

I would not hesitate for a second to cancel that Christmas visit if I was you. Christmas is not 'just for children' but it is most important to children and your DD's feelings should be to anyone in the family more important to adults' feelings, and they should be a million times more important to you.

Just say to your parents "DD found it difficult to cope with at your house. So we have decided to stay at home this Christmas. You are welcome to come to us" Then if they get offended - right back at them because they are not coming to you either!

(You could even blame the consultant and claim that he/she has said DD should avoid stressful situations with people who don't make allowances for her condition.)

ChuckGravestones · 13/11/2016 09:11

If you dont use this as an excellent opportunity to re-establish new christmas traditions then you will be missing a trick. Let them sulk.

dustarr73 · 13/11/2016 09:12

Stay at home.Its the one thing when i had kids was to stay home.Why travel and put your dd under that pressure.It wont be nice for anyone.If they sulk,let them.Your dd has to be your priority.

blankmind · 13/11/2016 09:15

Stay at home, your DD has done so well to let you know she finds the chaos at your parents' overwhelming, you need to let her have xmas at home on her terms. Could she help you plan an ideal xmas day at home?

I'd doubt if our xmas is anything like traditional, but we do whatever my DD with ASD needs to make it a lovely day, i.e. stay in, comfy clothes, no expectations. Xmas dinner in our house is 'your favourite food' irrespective of anyone else's opinions. One year, it was fish fingers

chicaguapa · 13/11/2016 09:15

Your focus should be on meeting your DD's needs and wants, not your parents'. Remind them of this when you cancel Christmas at theirs.

Bluebolt · 13/11/2016 09:16

I have wasted too many years trying to accommodate and stick with traditions. DS2 needs (not wants) his own surroundings without too much change. He cannot see a Christmas tree without the need to re arrange it and it is never correct. So this year we have a tree of lights the ones usually seen outside.

KinkyDoritoWithKnobsOn · 13/11/2016 09:16

ASD DD here too and agree with this:

I've encouraged DD to do things - she's 18 - and it always ends with her in a state, so I accommodate her wishes. She has family that don't really understand (her F's side), but I think the fact she is now an adult and still behaving in the same way is finally bringing it home to them that she functions differently to other people. It doesn't sound like you're relishing the idea of all being together, so don't do it to yourself or her. If you were all really looking forward to it, then the nest idea by a PP is also a good one. We go for Christmas to my parents, but she loves it there and has spaces she can retreat too. She is also not pushed into anything and pretty much lives on her laptop the entire time we are there. She does it her way and everyone loves her to bits . But they have accepted how she is. We can see her visibly switch off when she has enough of a group experience and that's the time for retreating/laptop and no fuss/bed.

Cosmicglitterghoul · 13/11/2016 09:16

Agree with liinoo.

BiddyPop · 13/11/2016 09:21

I'll come back to post properly later but YANBU (as a parent of an ADHD/Aspie DD).

We've found ways to mitigate over the years and have had to avoid some things altogether, so that's why I'm coming back (probably tonight in reality).

lightupowl · 13/11/2016 09:23

I wouldn't go. Your dd has managed to communicate her needs to you, which should be encouraged. Many NT people would find this kind of Christmas difficult and it's completely reasonable for your DD to find it overwhelming.

Your DP need to grow up, frankly. If they can't, do you have an 'expert' who can back you up? 'DD's doctor/teacher/therapist has noticed that she seems overwhelmed at the moment and have asked us to give her a proper rest over the holidays. I'm sure you understand, especially having seen how she reacted the other week'.

Honestly, I'm not sure I'd want to spend Christmas with somebody who yelled and melted down at my child, ASD or not.

I'm sorry that your family is not more supportive OP.

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