Father in law and physical abuse, Aibu?

[Nord]

FIL was a violent man and physically abusive towards DH as a child.

He was also emotionally abusive towards DH's mother. She subsequently left him, had a breakdown and neglected DH and his siblings.

DH is now close to his mother and siblings. His father found God and has worked hard to become a better person apparently. DH and him speak and see each other. I've met FIL a few times but he and his wife live far away from us.

DH had been really suffering with his mental health lately due to the past and the more he tells me the more furious I get at FIL.

Aibu to refuse to see FIL or let my DC see him? DH had seemingly forgiven him.

I think there is some massive projection going on here.

Spunky I am sorry about your past. And I agree you and the Op's dh have the right to their own agency in this. However, it us not unreasonable for the OP to request certain things that would make her more comfortable with the situation. Eg not close tons major birthday/anniversary/child's birthday or Christmas, because the fall out could ruin this special time for the whole family. This appears to be a first meeting on a long while quite significant.

I think also Spunky that we do not know how damaging the op's dh's relationship was and how much 'progress' has been made. Where as you have made it clear your mum has made progress. Which is great news.

Trifle some people have had difficult relationships and forged better ones. Which might be possible here but many are expressing caution.

I''ve not experienced any of this so am not projecting my own experiences into this.

Caution is fine. That's not what many here are advocating, and some posters are positively inventive about the FIL's behaviour

You may be right but may be kinder when you think people are projecting about sensitive experiences to be more specific. Rather than

I have no objection to people sharing their own experiences - I have done the same - and would never be anything other than sensitive towards them. Projecting and making up stuff to fit this situation is different.

Anyone with form for being physically or emotionally abusive toward a child, wouldn't get within a mile of any child of mine.
Especially a repeat offender.
I honestly don't believe people can change. They were abusive because they wanted and chose to be, and the consequences of that, is never being trusted.

I think meeting up at Christmas is a terrible idea, why Christmas?

I would not have any contact at all, why should you ? He is not a pleasant person so why feel obligated. If your dh wants to go I would support him but there is no way I would be going or the children.

So the FiL has found new friends a new wife and God. Good for him. But he ruined several other people's lives before he had his epiphany. The effects of abuse can last a lifetime despite apologies and talking therapies etc. Also the abuse is new to you op so you are entitled to have a reaction to it.

Personally I wouldn't see fil at Christmas, accepting him into your family is validation for him that all is forgiven, I would concentrate on keeping your own family unit intact and helping your Dh to move on with his life.

Fair enough Trifle. I hope I didn't make things fit, easily done I guess when you think you can relate.

pretty and ginger are talking really good sense in saying postpone this meeting (if you intend to have it) until after Christmas - in fact, after the new Year.

Christmas is a stressful time for everyone anyway - you don't want extra stress on your family.

Your DH is likely to be strung to breaking point at the thought of the meeting, no matter how much he wants to have a relationship with his father, and it will make him anxious and snappy and depressed and this will rebound on you and your children.

If you arrange a meeting for after the New Year it ill help i two ways:

1. It will stop it adding to the Christmas stress (and I'll bet you your DH has had some dreadful Christmases with a violent and abusive father. I would think most of his Christmas memories are of tears and terror, rather than of love and sharing). Keeping a meeting till well past the New Year means that it isn't even looming ahead for you in your home and you can all enjoy your Christmas. And as another poster has said - if the project of putting off the meeting causes relief - than that tells you everything you need to know.

2. You can point out to you DH that the New Year is the best time to start new things. Psychologically it gives new activities a boost.

I would think if you do this you will probably come under pressure from FIL and Wife to have the meeting on Christmas Day (what better day to Make Peace than the Birth Day of the Prince of Peace!) - for them it would be very satisfying, and especially if he could go back to his church and describe how Jesus poured His love out over their whole family and brought them all together again - it would give a nasty man who lost control because his family finally got away from him a new surge of power. (And expect them to try to convert you, too)

I suspect this first meeting should take place in public - quick coffee and "how are you?" rather than anything deep, so that your DH can judge the depth of the feelings he still carries.

Watching his father being kind and jolly with your children may actually be too much for your DH. He may break down in tears, he may get enraged, or he may become (literally) suicidally depressed. Does he have a counsellor he can speak to for advice about this? It is fraught with dangers.

Please tread very carefully, both of you. I hope and pray that all will go well for you and your family whatever you decide to do.

2kids2dogsnosense very wise words.

I second meeting in coffee shop, so DH can leave when he is ready, well after Christmas as others have said, and I suggest just you and DH if you can have children minded.

Does the step-mother even know about the abuse? Quite possibly she's only been told that the father was estranged from his family when they divorced.......

Heh, good point ... If she wasn't with your FIL during the bad times you can guarentee that he won't have told her it all.

Abusive people often don't even realise just how destructive they are, ime.

Italiangreyhound and 2kid's posts are excellent.

Have not read the whole thread, but I just wanted to say that people who 'find god' do not automatically become better people. I don't know where this idea comes from. My ex has 'found god' and for a short while after doing so he was all pleased with himself for 'turning his life around' and quitting alcohol and caffeine but he still loses his temper in the blink of an eye and his daughter never asks to see him any more. He hasn't really changed, he just spouts more crap than he used to.

Actually there have been great posts to the OP from posters who are Christians but flagging up more or less what you are saying.

And sorry, how sad for his daughter. Do you think becoming religious indicates a desire to change but not the ability?

No one can see what is in someone else's heart Fucking but that is a possibility.

True Larry, can't know.

I'm really drawn to the strong feelings of posters here who are so sure about people changing and how they worked through that. It feels like the "No contact" message is strong on MN but there's clearly a strong conviction here that posters have got to a happy place with parents even with a difficult history.

But that's more than OP is asking.

Maybe I'll ask on the relationships board.

My father had supposedly 'changed' I was no contact then had my daughter, my mother persuaded me to get back in touch. Which I did so slowly, at first he seemed calmer but as time went on it became clear he's not really changed. As my daughter got older he really ramped up the emotional abuse and manipulation. Long story short I realised it was not a healthy situation, discussed with daughter what she would prefer and to my shock she told me she'd never liked him, never felt comfortable around him and hated visiting him. She'd been civil and polite for the sake of family but honestly she had no problem with never seeing him again. Left me feeling like the worst mum ever for putting her in that situation.

When I broached the subject with him he went nuts! Absolutely showed his true colours, made the decision to have no more to do with him very easy.

Sorry to op

I agree with any meeting taking place well away from a significant time like Christmas or a birthday.

Having in a neutral location that you can easily walk away.

And that his new wife probably doesn't know the HALF of what went on!

Graphista I am so sorry to hear your story. Your story describes one thing I felt but did not express, and that is eventually your own daughter had a say in things. If the Op allows her dh to introduce their children to his father then a relationship may develop. If the Father/FIL reverts to his former behaviour, either with the son or grandchildren, or with his DIL then potentially the OP could find herself in the same boat as you. Asking her own children if they wish to continue seeing GF. I am so glad your dd said no and you could easily cut contact. But what if the OP's children to did not agree to it, wanted to still see GF, or perhaps one of them did.

This is another reason to focus only on the FIL relationship to his own son and not to grandchildren.

It's a shame the OP has not been back to talk to us more, I wonder if she is still reading.

It's ok Graphista. You did your best and when you really realised what was happening, you stopped contact. Your dd will have learnt a lot about boundaries and protecting herself from this situation. As will you have done. I can't imagine your dd feels the same way.

Thanks both, I hope she doesn't feel I failed her, I hope she has strong boundaries against being a victim of abuse.

It's a huge regret of mine I must have been NUTS because I knew what he was like!

I've honestly never known anyone like this to really change.