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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel jealous of DH

90 replies

Iwantamarshmallow · 12/11/2016 16:53

A few years ago a shelf fell down and I lost some ornaments I'd been collecting since my 20's. DH was rather nonplussed about the whole thing and refused to claim on our insurance. I was so glad no one was hurt I just let it go.
A few months ago DH used my savings (for the second time) (without my consent) to top up our bank account when we had run out of funds way before payday. During the same period DH had brought quite a few bits of leisure /hobby equipment using our joint account and taken out finance on various different items for himself. DH'S hobbies/leisure activities have always been a bone of contention between us.
Three weeks ago most of DH'S leisure a equipment was stolen during a break in, our insurance has agreed to cover the full amount. DH is as happy as Larry as he's going to be able to buy all this new kit.
AIBU to feel like utter shit . I think I probably am it's just DH gets all this cash to spend on his shiny new kit, a third of my savings are gone and will not be replaced and when it was my stuff DH didn't want to know.

OP posts:
Queenofthecats · 12/11/2016 19:07

TinklyLittleLaugh what the actual fuck are you on about?

CoolCarrie · 12/11/2016 19:09

Monday morning get to a new bank open new account with cash, dont tell him anything, it isnt his business, hide the bank card where he won't get it, look out for the bank statements so he wont see them, and make sure you get back the money he took from you. Take the advice of my 80 year old aunt. She told me years ago "Ladies should always have running away money" and she was right.

Lorelei76 · 12/11/2016 19:24

Oh I missed the "too independent"
Ain't no such thing.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/11/2016 20:10

Well the way I read it is that they both put their salaries into a joint account (his being higher) but she takes some out and calls it her own and puts it in her own savings account. That doesn't seem very fair to me.

That's the fuck I'm on about Queen.

user1471545174 · 12/11/2016 20:16

Unlink your savings from the joint account, OP.

ohtheholidays · 12/11/2016 20:24

No Tinkly I read it as it's the other way around!

He's used the OP's savings twice and recently and without even asking her!

He's also used the joint account that they both pay into to buy stuff that is just for him and the OP isn't allowed to touch her own money!

Thattimeofyearagain · 12/11/2016 20:35

Hi Tinkly, can you read < head tilt >
OP this is classic financial abuse. And fraud. Have you any rl support?

EveOnline2016 · 12/11/2016 21:01

Dh and I don't have a joint account, we have our own money and pay certain things a month.

Dh wouldn't dream of using my bank card without asking and I return the same and ask him. It's very rare it's a no.

People should have a way to have money without a partner taking it from them.

Patriciathestripper1 · 12/11/2016 21:30

Wtf he thought you were too independent?? Does he think we are back in the fucking Victorian times? He will have you covering you ankles next invade you make the postman faint!!!Shock

Patriciathestripper1 · 12/11/2016 21:31

Damn auto txt 'incase' you make postman faint!!!Shock

Original poster
Iwantamarshmallow · 12/11/2016 22:26

Ewock my isa is linked to my bank account online which is a joint account . He used my banking app on my mobile phone to transfer the funds from my isa into out joint account when my phone was left on charge.
I tired to have it out with him but he just called me selfish. He denys spending the money on himself. Either he's very good at turning it back on me or I am the one in the wrong and I just don't realise. Thanks so much for all your support x

OP posts:
Ewock · 12/11/2016 22:31

That explains that. I think as pp have mentioned it would be best to get a completely seperate account to at least stop this happening. You need to protect yourself from his controlling behaviour and for what it is worth I do not think you are in the wrong at all.

Cherrysoup · 12/11/2016 22:36

He's controlling no gas lighting you. If you want separate finances, open your own counts and transfer money into them. Don't tell him. Useful to have an escape fund if the situation escalates.

mygorgeousmilo · 12/11/2016 22:37

He is a vile thief. I couldn't stay with a man like that.

Original poster
Iwantamarshmallow · 12/11/2016 22:37

Ohtheholidays. -I call them savings but It wasn't money I saved. It's some money I came into I didn't spend it I just put in strait into an isa. I originally had a little chunk of money from a redundancy but it got spent on holidays/the house /dc. This was a tiny bit of money i came into last year that I was saving for driving lessons. It's not his money at all it was mine.

OP posts:
PhilODox · 12/11/2016 22:43

If you're married, surely any money you come into is the family's? (i.e. his too)

That does not excuse anything he has done, but I do not see how one person in a marriage can have savings and not the other.

If you've each agreed an amount for personal purchases each month ,and one spends and the other saves, then that is different. But any inheritance, dividends, gifts etc should be shared, surely?

Original poster
Iwantamarshmallow · 12/11/2016 22:43

Sorry that last one was for Tinkly

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwantamarshmallow · 12/11/2016 22:56

Ohtheholidays
I am aloud to acsess my own savings but I chose to save it because I couldn't think of anything I wanted right away. It also makes me feel save to have a little bit set aside incase I had to support dc on my own. I've been really bad with money in the past so I tend to hold on too anything extra.
The way he sees it that money was ours and not mine.
He used to say the your too independent thing alot and looking back it should have raised a red flag, since I lost my good job got a not so good one and had dc he doesn't say it anymore but I feel that I've lost quite a bit of myself in the process. We used to be a team but it just feels like he has no regard for me anymore. Everything I say to him just gets thrown back at me. Sorry to come on here and moan but it's been really nice to have someone to talk too. Sometimes I feel like I'm going a bit mad.

OP posts:
Ohdearducks · 12/11/2016 22:57

OP this is so awful and would just like to echo others who are saying he's financially abusive and he's gaslighting you to make you believe you're the problem 'he kept saying I was too independent' has really set alarm bells ringing for me, that's controlling behaviour which is also abuse. He's so manipulative that he's got you thinking what he's doing is normal and correct and that anything that's gone wrong is your fault. He's stealing from you, controlling you and abusing you. Do you want to stay with him? I'm strongly leaning towards LTB because he has no respect for you whatsoever.

CoolCarrie · 12/11/2016 23:00

Women should allows have some money of their own, savings or whatever, I certainly do. It is my money, not dh, he has savings of his own too. We pool everything else, put there is a yours, mine, ours pot too. It isn't unreasonable or odd IMHO.

FleurThomas · 12/11/2016 23:02

You shouldn't have let him access your banking app. To be honest you're being a bit of a doormat here - dh and i keep separate personal salary accounts and savings seperate but have joint household accounts so we never need to know each others passwords. I don't understand this 'full disclosure' thing.

CoolCarrie · 12/11/2016 23:05

You are certainly not mad op! Please don't doubt your self. My pp should have read we have a your, mine and ours pot. So many posters on mm over the years have been trapped with bloody awful men due to lack of funds, so it certainly isn't odd to have money that your partners don't know about!
He is the unreasonable one, not you op

SabineUndine · 12/11/2016 23:13

The people who said this is financial abuse are right. I'd tell him you want your money back and if not you're involving the police. 'Too independent'? He's stolen your Fuck Off Fund!

CharlotteCollins · 12/11/2016 23:14

He is likely to call you selfish - but that is a sign of his issues and you must learn for your sanity not to believe what he says.

Find whatever way you can to build yourself back up again. A secret account would be a great place to start.

Sara107 · 12/11/2016 23:23

I don't agree at all that any money you have in a marriage becomes 'family money'. Me and dh have an agreed amount that goes into the joint account, and for big ticket things like cars or new front door we come to an arrangement as to where the money comes from. But money like redundancy settlement or inheritance is very much personal money. Doesn't mean it gets spent on hobbies if it's needed for the household). It's not right to take the ops savings and illegal I think (?). One time I was on the phone to the bank and the call centre handler heard me speak to dh and gave me a lecture about disclosing my security details in front of him - that was our joint account. So it's not ok to use somebody else's login details. Ops dh seems to lack respect for her.