DH, working hours, housework, fucked off

[Twalls]

DH reckons his working hours are more strenuous than mine.
He works Monday to Thursday (7.30 -4.30) and Friday morning until 11.30. He then gets all Friday afternoon and the rest of the weekend off.
This week I'm working Monday - Thursday 8-5 and sat & sun 8-5. I only have today off.

So today, on my one day off - I've prepared a casserole in the slow cooker, washed, dried and put away two lots of laundry, cleaned two bathrooms from top to bottom, tidied and hoovered the bedroom, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen.

I asked DH if he would tidy the living room and dining room. He said he would - 3 hours ago.

Instead he's played grand theft auto. I've asked numerous times now if he'all help me and all I get is "10 more minutes".

I'm fucked off. He has all weekend to play on games. This is my one day off. Apart from the housework, I would have thought on my one day off he might have wanted to spend a bit of time with me, instead of playing games on his own in the dining room.
He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Am I? Because at the moment I feel like just fucking off and being by myself for a bit. I am anyway - in the living room on my own while he plays his precious game.

[MargaretCavendish]

43percentburnt Yes - I once read a piece where as part of her research on gender divisions of labour the author had spoken to several different couples where one partner was an academic and one was a (medical) doctor. Without fail they all agreed that the woman's job was more flexible, easier to go down to part-time, easier for her to take time off for sick children, etc. It made no difference whether she was the academic or the doctor, it was still her job that was easier to compromise on, and so it just 'made sense' for her to take on more domestic duties.

[EverySongbirdSays]

I suggest that the problems you have run deeper than just the cleaning.

You're not afraid of him are you OP? your last post sounds like you're afraid of how he might respond to you if you put your foot down.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

Take the games console to work with you, then send him regular pictures of the console hard at work, it might sharpen his mind to just how many more hours you work than he does.

Or it might just fuck him off. Either way I'd do it.

[Hellochicken]

Like pp said you are default housekeeper

• you asked him to clean dining room and living room
  
• he kept saying he was going to help you
  

It seems it was your job to do all today and he was going to "help" you a bit but you keep "asking" him to do it and now you are ruining his day off.

Instead it is both of your jobs to keep house running so maybe allocate things to do in the morning. Say we need to sort out the house, today the laundry etc etc needs done, ask him what he is doing, then say outloud what you are doing. If one of you gets finished up first then they can help the other. If he doesnt want to do it now ask him when he is going to fit it in "are you not going to do xyz this afternoon?"

[EnoughAlready43]

he'd hit the fucking roof.

and.............?
so what?
if he hits you, turf him out and call the cops.
if he starts screaming at you, turf him out and call the cops.

why are you afraid of him?

[YouTheCat]

Let him hit the roof. Then turf the lazy fucker out.

[Halloweensnake]

You are right

[TheNaze73]

It's not right however, a lot of higher earners have that mindset. Are you comparing apples with apples? Some would argue 40 hours per week of say a corporate lawyer or a doctor would be equal to say double that in someone working in an office or a shop?
Is it his mindset, is my point?

[GloriaGaynor]

So he married you for free housekeeping.

What do you get out of this?

He basically has 3 days off a week and you have 1.

So he needs to be doing the majority of cooking and cleaning.

Wouldn't you rather hang out with your children before they leave home rather then skivvying while this man plays GTA.

[Twalls]

He's not violent and never has been but trust me, doing something like that would cause the mother of all wars and I couldn't handle it. I'm not confrontational at all and he is. He's become quite used tonne being the peace keeper, the one that tries (and fails, numerous times) to make up after an argument and the one that goes along with whatever to keep the peace. Therefore, when I do throw a wobbler (like today) he can't handle it and will ignore me for hours (days if I don't try and make up with him). Unplugging the pic would probably see him filing divorce papers.

[DoinItFine]

Some would argue 40 hours per week of say a corporate lawyer or a doctor would be equal to say double that in someone working in an office or a shop

And those are the people colloquially known as absolute shitboxes.

[GloriaGaynor]

Is it his mindset, is my point?

Who cares if it is? Work is work.

[DoinItFine]

Then unplug it and stop forcing your children to grow up watching you cringe and scrape to this bully.

[GloriaGaynor]

Unplugging the pic would probably see him filing divorce papers

Win win. You get your life back.

[expatinscotland]

'Unplugging the pic would probably see him filing divorce papers.'

Something you should consider doing yourself.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

* Some would argue 40 hours per week of say a corporate lawyer or a doctor would be equal to say double that in someone working in an office or a shop

And those are the people colloquially known as absolute shitboxes.*

Quite.

He is not a child, you are not his parent to ensure he pulls his weight in HIS home doing the housework to put straight all of the mess you BOTH made.

This, however, doesn't sound as though it's your biggest issue. He sounds bloody awful, verging on bullying you into behaving the way he wants you to and that is not okay.

[givemushypeasachance]

So what does he bring to your relationship? Is he really, really really good at oral sex? Because otherwise why do you put up with so much crap from him?

[Twalls]

He refuses to engage in oral sex. Not had that for 4 years. Don't even get me started on that one.

[MrsRyanGosling15]

OP why do you allow someone to treat you like this? What do you think your dc are learning from this environment? You really need to set your own standards and not allow anyone to treat you like this.

[mumonashoestring]

Seriously, apart from keeping dust off one end of the sofa, what does he do for you?

[Hissy]

The more you say, the worse he sounds.

Hittting the roof? Ignoring you for days?

Filing divorce papers- let him! It's be the best thing he's done for a while.

Why do you value him so highly, while he sees no value at all in you?

[EnoughAlready43]

i would file for a divorce.
the more info you give here, the more i believe that you should call it a day.

[EverySongbirdSays]

When you say he refuses to

Do you mean you have to but he doesn't? Or equally none?

More and more charming by the minute

[Mom2Monkeys]

Sulking and ignoring you for hours is manipulative passive -aggressive behaviour. He does it because it works. Basically he knows he can use that method to make you feel very uncomfortable if you do not do what he wants you to do, or if you disagree with him, etc. He also probably uses anger in the same way, because he knows you will give in to avoid the confrontation. It doesn't sound as if he has much respect for you. But, more worryingly, you are allowing yourself to be disrespected.

I had a sulker once. Every time we had an argument he would walk aut of the house or go silent for ages. It used to drive me nuts and really bothered me. I'd get more upset and eventually try to get him out of the sulk. One day, I decided I didn't give a shit anymore. He went to walk out and I said dismissively: "Go, I don't really care anymore". He was back within about 5mins. Never did it again.

Don't allow him to bully you. Be strong and don't get affected by his moods. Don't try to do nice things for him to get him out of the mood. don't apologise if what you're asking for us unreasonable.

If he changes his behaviour then he cares about you. If he doesn't give a shit and stays on the same track, conclude that you deserve to be with someone who listens to you, wants to make you happy and does his fair share.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

yanbu