DH, working hours, housework, fucked off

[Twalls]

DH reckons his working hours are more strenuous than mine.
He works Monday to Thursday (7.30 -4.30) and Friday morning until 11.30. He then gets all Friday afternoon and the rest of the weekend off.
This week I'm working Monday - Thursday 8-5 and sat & sun 8-5. I only have today off.

So today, on my one day off - I've prepared a casserole in the slow cooker, washed, dried and put away two lots of laundry, cleaned two bathrooms from top to bottom, tidied and hoovered the bedroom, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen.

I asked DH if he would tidy the living room and dining room. He said he would - 3 hours ago.

Instead he's played grand theft auto. I've asked numerous times now if he'all help me and all I get is "10 more minutes".

I'm fucked off. He has all weekend to play on games. This is my one day off. Apart from the housework, I would have thought on my one day off he might have wanted to spend a bit of time with me, instead of playing games on his own in the dining room.
He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Am I? Because at the moment I feel like just fucking off and being by myself for a bit. I am anyway - in the living room on my own while he plays his precious game.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

If he loves you so little that he'd divorce you if you unplugged his games console, I can't see what's keeping you here. Add to that the fact he treats you like a drudge and has no interest in pleasuring you, and I wonder why you don't unplug the console and then set it on fire.

[Graphista]

Good grief!

Lazy
Aggressive
Manipulative
Sexually selfish

So glad I'm single!

[Capricorn76]

He's probably one of those type of men who thinks you owe him for taking on another man's kids.

[flowersandsunshine]

And I mistakenly used the word 'helping'.

Your dh and dcs doing the housework is not 'helping' you (because it's not your job). It's stuff that needs doing and it's the responsibility of everyone in the family to ensure it gets done.

Your dh may be upset now because he feels you're treating him as a naughty child, that you're the boss. Make it clear that you're all equals in this and people can choose chores they prefer (within reason) and timescales (within reason) but everything needs to be done, and not just by you.

Good luck. Have some

[flowersandsunshine]

I'm probably the lazy one in my marriage re housework - I don't really care if the house is messy and dh does. I do the bulk of the cooking and childcare all the admin and he gets left with most of the housework (I hate washing up with a passion). If your dh does other stuff eg admin, financial stuff, emptying the bins, gardening, DIY, whatever, that contributes to your family life, then don't overlook that just because it's not housework.

If he actually really does nothing and expects to be waited on hand and foot, then he's not going to change unless you do (why would he?).

If you want this change, you need to stop seeing housework as your work and start seeing it as family work.

For that matter, if you have 2 dcs over 15, they should be helping you on your one day off a week - what are you teaching them about men's and women's roles re housework?

Stop doing all the housework, now. Draw up a list of what needs doing. It's not fair to be angry at your dh if you haven't discussed what needs doing and given him a chance to do it - it is his day off too. Make it clear that from now on, you're not doing the entire housework for the family, and call a family meeting. Divvy up what needs doing, giving people flexibility about precisely when they do it, but making it clear that the penalty for not doing it will be... (eg paying for a cleaner to do it, or buying everyone a takeaway ut of their pocket money etc).

They're doing this (and it is your dcs as well as your dh) because you're letting them. Stop letting them.

If you don't demand housework is shared, don't expect it to occur to anyone else that this is what you want and you're serious about it. Schedule your time off and enjoy it without guilt.

and if your dh still won't do it, and he still doesn't seem to want to spend any time with you, discuss if this marriage thing is really a goer.

[expatinscotland]

'We have my two kids living here, youngest is 15 so doesn't need looking after. Eldest is always out or occupying himself so never a problem. '

I'm not surprised. Their bully stepdad is why. Poor kids.

[roundaboutthetown]

So, he treats you as his inferior, yet he plays inane games for hours and has no manners. It doesn't sound like he's got much to feel superior about - he sounds like a lazy twat.

[PinkiePiesCupcakes]

Unplugging the pic would probably see him filing divorce papers.

Good.

You shouldn't be living like this op.
You're giving ypour happiness away nd getting nothing in return. Lay it out to him, if he does t start pulling his weight and plying fair, make it clear you'll find someone who will.

[HummusForBreakfast]

So he has nice,y out into the role of the peace keeper whilst he is keeping the one where he can have a go at you whenever he wants.
Whatops yo from changing that? Why would you not let him sulk for days and let HIcome round and make amend.
There is no reason why he should be cajoled back to talking to you. That's not what nice people do.

You need to stand yu our ground there, whether he is sulking or not.
So decide what is the most important for your u atm, HW, spending tiwith YOU rather than with the computer. Insist on it and let him sulk if he can't see the issue.
Either he is coming round to it or he is telling you loud clear that he doesn't care about you.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Why do you think that you spent today, your one day off, doing housework?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Unplugging the pic would probably see him filing divorce papers."
As has already been aid, win-win.

Ask yourself - and answer - what does this marriage bring to my life? Does it improve my life, or does it make it worse?

You do not have children by this man. Therefore, splitting up would be total, nothing to keep you in contact with him. Does that not sound attractive to you? It does to me.

[QueenArseClangers]

What do you actually get out of your marriage?
If you made a list of the pros/cons and the times he made you feel happy vs the times he made you feel shit/on eggshells then what would it look like?

You really deserve better love

[nicenewdusters]

I took the Xbox away last night and put it under the bed. We talked about why I'd been forced to do this. Today he acknowledged he'd been wrong, he now has it back. The difference between your situation and mine? I'm talking about my nine year old child.

If others are suggesting (quite rightly) that you unplug the Xbox, and you are saying he'll hit the roof, this is one messed up relationship. On the one hand you're having to consider a punishment fit for a child. On the other, you can't consider it because he'll clearly become aggressive, confrontational and then sulk/ignore you for hours or days.

How would you feel this Friday if it was just you and your two kids in your house? I'm guessing it would be a whole lot better?

[Emmageddon]

This man is a dick. Why are you with him? How does he enhance your life?

[JustDanceAddict]

Cleaner

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

yanbu

[Mom2Monkeys]

Sulking and ignoring you for hours is manipulative passive -aggressive behaviour. He does it because it works. Basically he knows he can use that method to make you feel very uncomfortable if you do not do what he wants you to do, or if you disagree with him, etc. He also probably uses anger in the same way, because he knows you will give in to avoid the confrontation. It doesn't sound as if he has much respect for you. But, more worryingly, you are allowing yourself to be disrespected.

I had a sulker once. Every time we had an argument he would walk aut of the house or go silent for ages. It used to drive me nuts and really bothered me. I'd get more upset and eventually try to get him out of the sulk. One day, I decided I didn't give a shit anymore. He went to walk out and I said dismissively: "Go, I don't really care anymore". He was back within about 5mins. Never did it again.

Don't allow him to bully you. Be strong and don't get affected by his moods. Don't try to do nice things for him to get him out of the mood. don't apologise if what you're asking for us unreasonable.

If he changes his behaviour then he cares about you. If he doesn't give a shit and stays on the same track, conclude that you deserve to be with someone who listens to you, wants to make you happy and does his fair share.

[EverySongbirdSays]

When you say he refuses to

Do you mean you have to but he doesn't? Or equally none?

More and more charming by the minute

[EnoughAlready43]

i would file for a divorce.
the more info you give here, the more i believe that you should call it a day.

[Hissy]

The more you say, the worse he sounds.

Hittting the roof? Ignoring you for days?

Filing divorce papers- let him! It's be the best thing he's done for a while.

Why do you value him so highly, while he sees no value at all in you?

[mumonashoestring]

Seriously, apart from keeping dust off one end of the sofa, what does he do for you?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

OP why do you allow someone to treat you like this? What do you think your dc are learning from this environment? You really need to set your own standards and not allow anyone to treat you like this.

[Twalls]

He refuses to engage in oral sex. Not had that for 4 years. Don't even get me started on that one.

[givemushypeasachance]

So what does he bring to your relationship? Is he really, really really good at oral sex? Because otherwise why do you put up with so much crap from him?

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

* Some would argue 40 hours per week of say a corporate lawyer or a doctor would be equal to say double that in someone working in an office or a shop

And those are the people colloquially known as absolute shitboxes.*

Quite.

He is not a child, you are not his parent to ensure he pulls his weight in HIS home doing the housework to put straight all of the mess you BOTH made.

This, however, doesn't sound as though it's your biggest issue. He sounds bloody awful, verging on bullying you into behaving the way he wants you to and that is not okay.