for being bl***y LIVID with my mother?

[Callmemadam]

My eldest ds (nearly 16) has a brilliant relationship with his youngest sibling (DD2, nearly 5). He and ds2 and dd1 are all away at boarding school, so this half term, as usual, dd2 was crawling all over her big brother, getting tickled, roughed up, having her toys played with, and generally having a riotous family time. Anyway, my mother came over on Saturday afternoon and saw ds1 playing with dd2 and rang him 'in confidence' later that evening to say that 'he should be careful that people didn't jump to the wrong conclusion' if they saw her 'crawling ' all over him . I am still so angry I can hardly speak, partly because I thought it was such a sick thing to say to ds, and partly because she bloody said it 'in confidence'!!! Thank God he was able to tell me why she phones. The sad thing is that - whatever he says - I can tell it HAS affected his relationship with dd2 . To put it in perspective, my siblings and I were brought up in a very non-tactile way, but even so I find the fact that she could come up with such a comment really upsetting................

[WideWebWitch]

You're right to be livid. How awful, poor ds.

[Elasticwoman]

My Dad used to say "to the pure in heart, all things are slightly filthy". It's like the notice up in the local swimming pool I saw at the weekend, prohibiting the taking of any photographs of children in the water. Why? They are in a public place! The hysteria about child sex abuse is getting out of hand. Not that I'm saying it doesn't ever happen - just not usually in public. The 15 yo was being upfront about what he was doing, not hiding away in a corner furtively. The damage (potentially) done to his lovely relationship with small sister far outweighs the risk that anything untoward was being done or might be suspected by any right thinking person.

[Judy1234]

That's the point. Why should families who are happy to be nude together or who think photos of naked children look wonderful (I do, wonderful, not sexual, in an any way) or who cuddle and lie in bed together why should they change their behaviour because a very very few people abuse children?

Sorry, I only made the converse point below because you always have to try to see things from both sides. Getting off the point a bit but some children abused by their fathers where the mother refuses to believe them etc... very nasty difficult cases. As some one else said here he wasn't sneaking in private and he told his mother what granny said so the person at fault here is 99% granny and how weird she is and what a good teenage boy to tell his mother. I hope you all get granny on the floor with her knickers in the air giving her big bear hugs the next time she visits.

[brandy7]

pmsl!

[Blu]

LIke someone below, I would be thinking twice about what has sparked your mother's terror of physical contact in the family, and her concern about brother / sister relations. . I would confront her, but asking why she sees it as a problem as well as pointing out the destruction of trust/ hurt for your ds and the secrecy issues.

[brandy7]

meant psml at the "granny with knickers in air" comment,not on the thread as a whole

[catsmother]

I think the person at fault her is 100% granny, not 99%.

[Callmemadam]

Really appreciate the support, guys! Aloha, great points and I will talk to DS. FWIW she wasn't implying that he was DOING anything, just that having such a physical and fun relationship with a little one would appear 'odd' to onlookers - which made him question what has been an unthinking rapport with all his younger siblings (even though he does beat up on the other teenager sometimes . I just think that that was so sad for him, and also sad because his opening sentence to me was 'is granny mad?' which suggests that the real harm will be to his relationship with her. Xenia, he does have posters in his room and all over the dorm at school, but granny would also be horrified by them, and she most certainly would NOT alow parents sharing baths with children, or for that matter the child seeing its parent naked. Zofloyya - you are so right, 'warped' is what I feel about it too.

[sazzybee]

I have to say that 'is granny mad' is the healthiest reaction I think he could have had under the circumstances

[DimpledThighs]

make it clear to evweryone involved that granny is bang out of order and this kind of interferance will not be tolerated.

This is one of the most anger inducing things I have read on mumsnet. If it was me I would be beside myself with rage!

[Anisse]

I would be furious.

To make sure it hasnt damaged ds and dds relationship I would certainly whisper to ds that your Mother has 'problems' and really needs help with that. Not him.

[Angeliz]

Poor boy

I haven't read all the posts but got to the part about it being very damaging for him. It is a damaging thing to say and he must feel awful. I hope he can write it off as stupidity and ignorance on your Mum's behalf and not let it haunt him.
I think we could all understand her concerns if it were a new uncle or something (as in someone's new boyfriend, i am always cautious with my sisiters men as she's had so many ) but her own adoring older brother is just daft!

[Callmemadam]

I have GOT to tell you - she's done it again, only worse . She visited at the weekend, and went off with DS for a 'chat'. I found him crying in his room, saying 'grandmaa had planted such a 'f***g sick thought in his head and he couldnt get rid of it'....turns out she had tried to explain to him that little girls 'might get excited' rubbing themselves on someone and that letting her wrap her legs around him when they are tussling or hugging might cause excitement because of where she is . FFS!!!! When I challenged her (and tore her off a strip) she said that she was 'trying to warn him' that busybodies might misinterpret their play, and THEN said didn't I realise that young men get excited too!!!! I just CANNOT believe the way her mind works, and she has NO idea how much damage she has done to DS's relationship with her. TBH I think he is less upset about his relationship with his siblings (thank God) than he is with his Grandma, whom he ADORED. . I asked her why she had brought it up again and she said she wanted to make sure he wasn't embarassed about what she was explaining last week!!!! So she KNEW she was out of order then.... I asked her why, if she thought it was a valid point to raise, she hadn't raised it with me first, and she said that she thought it better not to put the thought into MY head in case I worried there was something in it!! So it was alright to put it into my son's head instead?????

I have explained to DS that we were never huigged or cuddled as kids, and because he has seen my sister who suffers from anxiety and depression I think he does understand that the problem is Grandma's (or I hope and pray he does). But the damage is terrible, and I have NO idea how to continue with my mother ATM at all. Sorry for the rant btw

[fortyplus]

So angry about this - she's not normal!

We can all delight in our children's bodies in a sensual but non sexual way. I still stroke my boys' backs - they're 11 & 13 and we all love it.

I wouldn't dream of even touching someone else's child's body - it would be totally inappropriate.

How dare she interfere in this innocent relationship.

[Yurtgirl]

callmemadam thats absolutely awful

[lizziemun]

I am so for you.

I would be seriously telling her she is not welcome in my home around my children until she can say sorry and understand's why what she is saying is so wrong.

Sorry if this upsets you, but i would not let anyone speak to child like this let alone my mother.

[harpsichordcarrier]

tbh I wouldn't have her in the house for a while, sorry.
I am so outraged on your behalf, and your sons.

[harpsichordcarrier]

tbh I wouldn't have her in the house for a while, sorry.
I am so outraged on your behalf, and your sons.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I too am and at this. I think you need to take steps to keep your mum from doing this again.

[Carmenere]

I agree with Sobernow, I think she has been badly affected in the past somehow which may also explain why she was non-demonstrative whilst you were children. But I would steer clear of her for a while until she understands what a huge line she has crossed, until she realises that she is projecting her problems onto innocent children.

[edam]

Clearly you are a very good mother because your ds trusted you enough to tell you about the foul things his gran was saying. And clearly she isn't.

Her age is no excuse, my mum's the same age and would never dream of making such appalling comments.

[Booboobedoo]

Callmemadam: am so incensed on your behalf.

My DH's Mum used to treat his relationship with his sister in a similar way. She treated him dreadfully generally, and if he and his sister (7 years younger) were in a bedroom together, she would burst in to 'check' on them.

If it makes you feel any better, it never affected his relationship with his sister, but he can't stand his mother.

[Callmemadam]

I cannot put into words how much your support means to me . I will NEVER trust her alone with any of the children again. I am just so so sad.