for being bl***y LIVID with my mother?

[Callmemadam]

My eldest ds (nearly 16) has a brilliant relationship with his youngest sibling (DD2, nearly 5). He and ds2 and dd1 are all away at boarding school, so this half term, as usual, dd2 was crawling all over her big brother, getting tickled, roughed up, having her toys played with, and generally having a riotous family time. Anyway, my mother came over on Saturday afternoon and saw ds1 playing with dd2 and rang him 'in confidence' later that evening to say that 'he should be careful that people didn't jump to the wrong conclusion' if they saw her 'crawling ' all over him . I am still so angry I can hardly speak, partly because I thought it was such a sick thing to say to ds, and partly because she bloody said it 'in confidence'!!! Thank God he was able to tell me why she phones. The sad thing is that - whatever he says - I can tell it HAS affected his relationship with dd2 . To put it in perspective, my siblings and I were brought up in a very non-tactile way, but even so I find the fact that she could come up with such a comment really upsetting................

You know your mother is talking claptrap. She is so out of order telling your son that - and in confidence, too!

Now is the time to tell your son just how misinformed she is about normal physical contact in a family. Tell him she is bonkers as conkers and her advice is best ignored. Keep it casual and matter of fact. But spare no details about how she didn't hug you as a child even if it means discrediting her behind her back.

Then tell you mother (when you are alone)that if she interferes like that ever again, you will be VERY angry indeed.

I would not demand an open aplogy from her to your son - prolongues the agony and adds more importance to her comment. If your ds1 sees you taking it all really seriously it could misfire and make him think there that there is something in your mother's assertion.

Hopefully time will heal and as another person said, the natural exhuberance and innocence of your dd will bring her relationship with your ds1 back to how it was.

i am 18, my 4 year old cousins are always climbing all over me. what would she have to say about that?

Your mum has a MAJOR problem. What a nasty thing to do. Did she herself suffer some abuse in the past I wonder as I think it is abnormal for a loving grandparent to even think never mind say such a thing.
Reassure your son and if you have to tell him some unpleasant truths about your childhood so be it. Your mum has lost the right to any consideration from you.
And to do it behind your back grrrrrrrrrrrr I'm fuming for you.
Thought my rabid Catholic mother was bad at times but she seems a pussycat compared to yours.
Let her have the full contents of your rage she deserves it and leave her in no doubt that if she crosses the line again there will be consequences for her.
On a really positive note what a wonderful thing that your son was able to confide in you. This proves you are a great mum with an open and loving relationship with your son treasure this and don't let your mum spoil it.

There's a 13.5 year age gap between my 16 year old son and his 3 year old sister. They have the sort of relationship you describe and I think it's lovely .... that this great hunk of a teenager (trying desperately to be cool) feels no embarrassment in playing with his baby sister. He'll barely say a word to me in front of his mates but his sister is "cool" and he's very sweet with her.

Any "impropriety" has NEVER ever crossed my mind. I am sure that a mother's instinct would immediately pick up on such a thing, if there was any going on right under her nose and I am furious for you, but more for your son, whose grandmother has hurt him in the nastiest way. God knows what she was thinking and why she didn't speak to you first. That is another (minor-ish, compared to the rest of it) aspect of all this .... that she's undermined you as a mother by going behind your back to speak to your son, who, after all, is still a child himself (albeit an older one).

I know that you'll have reassured your son but this is the sort of thing which, once mentioned, will probably play on his mind, and make him less natural with his sister. Wicked old bag ....... I was going to suggest that she should apologise for being very stupid to him, but I think Tigermoth is right ..... anything from her could well prolong the embarrassment. She does however deserve an absolute rocket from you ..... you just DON'T go around destroying family relationships, and you DON'T go around suggesting that sort of impropriety where absolutely no evidence for it exists.

Your poor son. He must be feeling awful and it's all so unnecessary and nasty.

I wonder if your mother was somehow jealous in a strange sort of way, or perhaps feeling guilty at the non-tactile way she brought her own family up. Not that that excuses this - AT ALL.

That's dreadful. How stupid of her. How wise of your son to tell you. My older children at nearly 15 knew all about incest - it's often dealt with in books and on TV things and people who are nearly 16 know very well the difference between a normal family rough and tumble and sexual arousal (girlie posters or whatever.. although as he's away at school perhaps they're not allowed).

We have age gaps. The twins (now 8) are 13 years younger than their biggest sister and they spend ages playing with their 18 year old brother and his friends who are just wonder with them, playing football, letting them join in when in fact they must be a huge nuisance to the bigger boys. I would hate anyone to spoil that relationship. Perhaps you need to suggest she has therapy. She'll be saying children can't have a bath naked with their parents next.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this callmemadam. I think one of the things that would have made me cross was the "calling in confidence" thing

FWIW, I think you need to concentrate on getting the relationship between your children OK again before you worrying about dealing with your Mum.

it may well me a generational thing but still they are YOUR children, if you and they are happy with the relationship that is the end of the matter. The 'in confidence' thing was an awful thing for her to have done.
Have you spoken to your son again about this? Your mother does indeed need the 'rocket' that others have suggested. Grrr. I'm fuming on your behalf.

whatever your mum's views on it and however insane they are, they should have been discussed with you first

not with a minor ffs

what the hell was she doing going to someone of this age and saddling him with this kind of responsibility and telling him to keep it a secret?

quite aside from whether or not the theory was bonkers (which it clearly is), this is something that she should have brought up with you - it should be your responsibility to deal with something like this

she should respect you as the parent first and foremost

I would be livid

I'm shocked.

I would speak to your ds about your own upbringing and how little physical contact there was, tell him how happy you are that your dc have grown up in a different manner. I would say how great you find it to see him and dd together and know how close they are and that you hope he won't take to heart what she said because it would be such a loss for dd.

Trying to think of a stronger word than livid because I am absolutely red in the face for you...I won't swear!

how great that your son could tell you about this - a testimony to the fact that you obviously have a much better relationship with YOUR children than your mother would ever have been capable of.

Am I the only person who thinks that her desire to keep sexual innuendo a secret between her and your son is just a bit bizarrely reminiscent of the way that child abusers often proceed? Just to be clear, I am NOT suggesting that your mother is in any way such an abuser - just that there is something a bit warped about her attitude.

Thats awful!!!! Are you going to say something to her? It will be awful if it damages your children's relationship especially as your DD might not understand the change.

omg!!!!
Zofloyya hit the nail on the head for me.
Jeez...so warped

i am on your behalf

Please speak to your mum, and although I'm sure you have alreday reassure your son that it is his grandmother who has a warped sense of family affection - not other people!

How awful that she actually felt the need to phone him and say that. Perhaps she is actually a bit jealous over the easy affection that is obvioulsy abundant in your family and was so scant in her own?

Do speak to her though!

I think you need to speak to your mum, it was a bit of a sick thing to say.

It is awful that your mother could have thought such a thing. Unforgivable that she spoke to your DS in such a manner, especially the "in confidence" bit.
I also wonder if she is jealous of the obviously loving family environment you have created, which is so different to the one she gave you. Perhaps she is trying to destroy it in this way? Definitely speak to her in no uncertain terms about the way you feel.

If she has a problem with that then thats her problem and she should get it seen to.

It's all been said really, but I wanted to add that I also think this was really awful of your mum.

The way she cut you out of the picture and contacted your ds secretly about this is REALLY bad and I think it needs MAJOR dealing with. It's absolutely outrageous that she would do this herself without recourse to you as ds' mum. I think it's because she knows you wouldn't agree with her and she just HAD to say something for whatever warped reason of her own! God, I'm crosser than I thought I was!

However I really think your ds will take his lead from you, so I think be very clear with him that you think it was a WEIRD thing to say, very silly, etc etc etc. He will be fine and pick up the relationship with your dd where he left off, I'm sure. If he needs gentle encouragement I'm sure you'll do this but the good thing is that your dd will expect the same relationship and rough and tumble as before so your ds will be being prompted by her anyway.

I think if it was me I might even write a letter to my mum, if I felt I might not get the point accross in a chat. It's really important that she knows NEVER to undermine your parental role like this again. And to keep her bizarre opinions to herself!

Complex issues. None of us can know. Let's be clear sometimes there is incest between siblings. Let us assume there is no question here but not discount that possiblity in any of our own families. Did she see something you didn't? Did she make something up? I liked the point that it seems a bit sinister how she did it too, didn't it? Is it a bit like the recent study that found that a lot of those who criticise gays are closet gays?

perrrllllease

xenia youre at it again i see

xenia. are you sure you're happy to advocate children bathing with parents as ok activity.... parents do sometimes sexually abuse their children you know.... and you wouldnt want to do it in front of your mum really would you?

ffs. words fail me really, but I would agree that it was sick and vastly inappropriate to say anything in confidence.
if she really did suspect something well then he should absolutely have come to you