AIBU to go back on my word to my children rather than go against DHs wishes?

[wholefttoastonthestairs]

Last year we took our 9 year old son out of school to home educate him. It wasn't something we really planned or felt strongly about but he was falling seriously behind at school, he was crying everyday and having panic attacks at the thought of school. It got to the point where we felt that for his mental health we had to pull him out.

We also have 5 girls, one baby but 4 primary school age. At the time (of course) they were pretty indignant that they were still going to school and ds was not. To calm down the situation I told them we would talk about the idea with them at Christmas this year. I had assumed that they would go off the idea once everything had settled and they realised I wasn't just letting ds play computer games and watch tv all day!

Now the time is approaching and the homeschooling has been a run away success in so many more ways than I ever imagined!

Ds is happy and confident he will now happily go to activities such as cubs and karate without tears. I'm not claiming he has become a genius overnight he obviously hasn't ( he is year 5 and the work we are doing is year 3/4 level) but the point is he is making steady progress something he wasn't doing at school.

Of course the girls have seen this, they keep talking about how they will be joining him after Christmas and talking about what timetable they will have. (We use a timetable and workbooks rather than unschooling etc).

The thing is that they have no problems at school, the girls are all working above or at age levels. The 6 year old struggled socially but is not upset by it. So there is no concrete reason to change things apart from the fact that they want to and I stupidly implied they could without thinking it through way back then!

Tbh if it was just me I would probably say what the hell why not?! I have loved homeschooling and so has ds.

BUT although dh says the choice is mine as I do all of the work (he works long hours) his argument is why rock the boat when things are fine. I get his point and I don't want to do anything that he isn't totally on board with.

So now I'm about to go back on my word to the girls rather than go against dhs wishes and I feel terrible . I have been trying to make it seem like a less attractive option for them but it's at the point where if I say no I'm going to have to outright say no .

Aibu to do this?

To be honest if I had more than one child I would do the same for all of them. If they are bright you can probably get them to work alone as home ed is very much teaching them to research and be independent learners. You could also take them to kip mcgrath or kumon ect for a break. I would not favour one child over the others it will lead to bad feelings.

They are very young. I'd have the discussion as promised but unless you and Dh are full steam ahead, sway it to a no. Except, I would either take the dc out that has no friends and hs or another school.

Try to take a long view on this, regarding the other children. Don't be swayed by minor ups and downs which may be occurring now and have passed in a few weeks, in terms of someone struggling.
Take the long view for each child, as well as for yourself.....because you don't want loads of opting in and out, in and out.
See what the key issue is - don't be distracted by other secondary things. Fairness isn't about giving everyone the same treatment, it's about putting equal thought into each and finding the best option for each - which might be different. Don't be swayed by the fact they are keen - you as the adult are able to weigh up the pros and cons, many of which are long term, better than they can - it would be wrong to put the responsibility of the decision onto their shoulders. You decide, you explain (and of course it can involve them in discussion and helping them to see the reasoning) and you move forward confidently....with your DH by your side and having made a plan between you - must be a joint decision.

And I would say 'if it ain't broke, dont fix it' - for your DS, it was 'broke' so you fixed it. For your girls who are doing well, it isn't 'broken'.....so unless there is an overwhelmingly strong reason for changing things (and them wanting to be home schooled isn't a really strong reason) then for now I'd stick with the status quo....you can always review....but not so easy to change back if you make the swap now.

I'm no fan of home schooling but OP you sound like a great parent. Your son is doing well, your kids like being together, even your little one with no friends isn't bothered by it. You're doing a great job from what I can tell, good on you.

From the DD's point of view it is very unfair.
I know that the parents know best and can decide, however this doesn't mean the children won't resent them for it, even once they grow up.

The majority of posters seem to focus on the wellbeing of the DS, but what about the feeling of the DDs? Growing up and feeling like your sibling gets a special treatment / is more loved can lead to depressed teens, eating disorders, etc. (I am definitely not saying the OP is loving her DS more, just that it is how the DDs might see it)

I have spent all day mulling this over! Ds is out with dh today as dh had the day off and they went for a boys day out

Living - that is my fear I obviously don't care more for ds but I am aware that the girls especially the 6 year old may see it that way.

You have to have the conversation with them... but not accept any other outcome than them agreeing to continue at school. There will be tantrums and anger, and probably resentment and bitterness. You've deferred the argument until Christmas which in hindsight was probably a mistake, but for your family as a whole you should not defer the argument further.

Personally I would suggest you have the argument sooner rather than later, let them have their tantrums now rather than wrecking your Christmas.

The solution might be, as someone said before, to make the homeschooling sound less appealing to the girls.
For ex, the fact that your DS has a boys day out when they are at school won't play in your favor when you try to convince them to stay in school. Would it be an option to do the day trips only during the weekends / school holidays, and have your son at home for 5 days? Not ideal, but the advantage is that you prepare him for the weeks he will have if/when he goes back to school.

They may be fine at school. They may love it. They may love home schooling even more. HE isn't just about 1-1, it is about home, family and familiarity. So managed properly I can't see why it would have a negative impact.

It could have a negative effect if it's not really what OP wants to do and if she then can't cope with managing the 5 children's education. In all of this, I really see the adults decision together, and the impact on OP as key - it will be her who has to deliver this education and manage it all. The fact that other home schoolers manage 5 or 7 kids is neither here nor there....it is the OP who has to decide if it is for her.
The children may wish to do it.....but they cannot do it with parents who fully support it and are behind it from the start and can actually manage to deliver it, whilst maintaining sanity.
I absolutely don't agree that by doing something different for the girls to the boys needs to lead to resentment and long term family problems. It's all to do with how it's handled and the overall relationship with each child...that they all feel loved and their futures valued. This too is very much down to the parents and how they present their choices.
So if OP decides to keep the girls at school, it must be made clear why DS is at home and why they are at school and how each is good for each child. It must be clear that OP values the school and what it does and sees the children thriving there, rather than giving any suggestion that the mine schooling is better. Op herself said they kind of fell into home schooling because of circumstance rather than a deep seated ideological commitment - that needs to be clear - it isn't that they are choosing the best option for one child and second best for the others. The intention is for boy to go to school soon too, so the values of school should be emphasised.
I think parenting requires courage. It requires the adults involved to believe that they can weigh the options and their own situation and make good choices for their families and the individuals within them. They need to convey that confidence to the children, so they too have confidence in their parents choices. They need to have belief too in their children - that they are giving them the skills to cope with a range of situations. And they should be able to expect that their well thought out decisions will help build confident, children who continue to love and value their families rather than feeling resentment. Throw off the fear that your children will hate you for making sensible choices. They may be cross for a while (are they the kind of children who are very keen on their own way and have been used to getting it....or are they children who even with a bit of moaning, know from experience that they can rely and trust your decisions, even if they make a bit of a fuss?).
You see, to me, the telling children that something is changing or isn't going to be what they thought, if managed carefully isn't a big deal. Because I have built a relationship with my children, where I listen to them, but ultimately make the big decisions because I am the adult, and because I explain things to them so they can understand that their best interests and those of the family are being out first, they have been able to accept changes and disappointments and we still have a good relationship. They know that they don't always get what they want and are able to live with it, even when they sometimes each get different things.

Ok I probably should have just sat them down and talked to them about it rather than worrying .

Just talked to them all as a group and explained the situation and the instant choice of all of them was that the 6 year old stays home (my 7 year old said that was ok as 6 year old was sad!) and 4 year old and 7 year old stay at school.

I think everyone seems happy with that outcome.

I don't see how your son can be "behind". He can be below average for his age, but there is no "behind" and "caught up" - his ability is not identical to any other pupil's.

Mistress - I just meant below age related expectations or however it is they phrase it in reports.

Well done. :-)

Chocolate I was basing my response on the OP saying that she was happy to have them all at home.

Well done

Just talked to them all as a group and explained the situation and the instant choice of all of them was that the 6 year old stays home (my 7 year old said that was ok as 6 year old was sad!) and 4 year old and 7 year old stay at school.

I've been reading this thread and feeling a bit concerned about the possible outcome, and this update has really made me smile. What lovely, thoughtful children you have, OP! That really sounds like the best possible way forward and it's fantastic that you all decided it together and nobody feels sad, left out or resentful.

Fantastic. So glad it is sorted and everyone is happy.
Hope your DH gives you lots of support and the plan is a great success for everyone.

I think you're jumping the gun. Have the discussion/s with each of your children, think about what you think is best for each of them individually as well as the family as a whole and take it from there.

I have two teenagers in school and no personal experience of homeschooling, though I did seriously consider it, mainly for one of my children who has never enjoyed the academic side of school (boring!) I find it sad how many adults think this is normal and acceptable. I know a few homeschooling families and have researched various options on educating children extensively. There are very few benefits of attending school, in my opinion, and if I had my time again I wouldn't send either of mine to school. So whatever you decide, do what is right for your family and children and ignore everyone who says "school is compulsory" when it isn't.

Wow, what a lovely family you have! I am really happy that you have found a solution together which everyone can live with.