AIBU to go back on my word to my children rather than go against DHs wishes?

[wholefttoastonthestairs]

Last year we took our 9 year old son out of school to home educate him. It wasn't something we really planned or felt strongly about but he was falling seriously behind at school, he was crying everyday and having panic attacks at the thought of school. It got to the point where we felt that for his mental health we had to pull him out.

We also have 5 girls, one baby but 4 primary school age. At the time (of course) they were pretty indignant that they were still going to school and ds was not. To calm down the situation I told them we would talk about the idea with them at Christmas this year. I had assumed that they would go off the idea once everything had settled and they realised I wasn't just letting ds play computer games and watch tv all day!

Now the time is approaching and the homeschooling has been a run away success in so many more ways than I ever imagined!

Ds is happy and confident he will now happily go to activities such as cubs and karate without tears. I'm not claiming he has become a genius overnight he obviously hasn't ( he is year 5 and the work we are doing is year 3/4 level) but the point is he is making steady progress something he wasn't doing at school.

Of course the girls have seen this, they keep talking about how they will be joining him after Christmas and talking about what timetable they will have. (We use a timetable and workbooks rather than unschooling etc).

The thing is that they have no problems at school, the girls are all working above or at age levels. The 6 year old struggled socially but is not upset by it. So there is no concrete reason to change things apart from the fact that they want to and I stupidly implied they could without thinking it through way back then!

Tbh if it was just me I would probably say what the hell why not?! I have loved homeschooling and so has ds.

BUT although dh says the choice is mine as I do all of the work (he works long hours) his argument is why rock the boat when things are fine. I get his point and I don't want to do anything that he isn't totally on board with.

So now I'm about to go back on my word to the girls rather than go against dhs wishes and I feel terrible . I have been trying to make it seem like a less attractive option for them but it's at the point where if I say no I'm going to have to outright say no .

Aibu to do this?

OP I have many years experience of homeschooling a larger than average amount of children and I will not lie and say that it is easy. If you are the school-at-home type (ie timetable, set lesson etc) that is a lot of preparation for you to do before the day even starts. I would think very carefully about it if the school is oversubscribed, as I know when I was trying to find my primary aged dc a place there were only 2 schools on the other side of town (and neither were good schools)

On the flip side home education offers a fantastic way of life if the circumstances are good. Do you have a car? Do the older children have lots of socialization outside of schools? Do you have extra money for trips etc?

I adored home educating in the primary years, but hated it at the secondary stage. My eldest did his first GCSE in year 7 but I found the whole organizing the exams a real stress and hassle. How easy would it be for you to get a secondary place mid year? (in case they changed their mind about being at home)

You are the adult and you know what is best. You get to decide and sometimes adults do have to go back on things they have previously said.....because that is the right decision, and causing a temporary upset is by far the better outcome. It would be terrible to go with homeschooling, simply because you can't face disappointing the girls - that would be weak - and in the long term you would probably cause more problems, because if you're not really committed to and able to do it for 5 (and this would be very hard for anyone) then you would probably end up stopping....and all the messing about would me much worse than simply not stopping.

Is it really that you have said you will 'discuss' it at Christmas, or have you said more than this? If they are planning their timetables and you have let them (rather than saying 'hold on, hold on, let's not get ahead of ourselves, we are only going to discuss it. Christmas and absolutely nothing is decided') then unfortunately you have allowed a situation to develop when they WILL be more disappointed, than if you had clearly kept the issue as only a vague possibility for thought. That is unfortunate....but still doesn't mean you have to go through with homeschooling - you are still the adult and you can have a serious conversation with them, perhaps apologising if you have inadvertently or more advert entry misled them a bit, but explaining the reasons so they understand. They can grasp that your DSS situation was unique and homeschooling was necessary for him, but they are all doing well and gain loads of positives from school. They might be disappointed....but they will get over it. Quite simply it's important that adults make the choices rather than being driven by children and fear of letting them down or upsetting them....and this is a big choice, which if taken needs you to be fully committed to it, not pushed into it. You know what's best. Have confidence in yourself.

Honestly, I think treating your children so differently is unfair and will continue to be problematic. Can't see that your daughters will benefit from home schooling, though, so I think your DH is probably right.

Oh and kids don't understand 'we will discuss it after Christmas' - they will think that means yes. I would just make a decision now or they will be even more disappointed.

It would be CHAOS.

If you personally haven't done it, how can you know this?

I know someone who home educated seven children, some till secondary level then they some of them went to school at that point, others stayed and carried on at home. ALL went to FE college.

OP I have a child who is home educated for similar reasons to yours - he has ASC though and one who isn't HE but in mainstream school. We had a lot of the same noises "not fair!" etc but I told her that her brother hadn't left till year 4 and we would discuss it then. Got to year 4 and she wants to stay on. I love HE for ds too and it suits him but I would far prefer that both were in school if possible.

That said if you think you can and you want to them you should because what the kids want matter too.

Don't put yourself under too much pressure OP.
You sound like a fabulous Mum.
Your daughters are coping well at school, and socialising with friends, bar one. Could you possibly HE , the little one who hasn't got any friends.
At the end of the day, you are the parent, and after an honest explanation, about the pitfalls of HE, your children will conform, because they are good kids.
Also, I think you do have your DHs support.
You're doing a great job, with your Son, he's a very lucky boy. 🌺

I think I what Esme says is a good idea. Use the line that they'd have to be the same age your ds was when he started - to keep things 'fair.'

Also, maybe take your 7 year old aside and explain that she doesn't find school work as difficult as ds and she's making good progress at school etc. She sounds bright enough to be able to understand if she has it explained clearly ( and kindly). Not easy, I know.

So your dd is ahead of your ds in reading. Could you use that as part of the discussion to explain to them how they are getting on well at school and how ds was not? Could you ask them if they would like to do something with them in the holidays to make them feel homeschooled in the holidays? I think I'd go into the discussion with an open mind and use these type of questions as discussion points.

Hats off for saying you could homeschool all your children even though you don't think it's necessary. Personally I think you need to do what is best for your whole family. As well as for yourself. Right now, I would ask myself if your ds may drown if he suddenly is surrounded by his sisters, who are all doing well educationally. I would also ask myself if the girls are mature enough to give him the space to learn at his pace and what that would mean for them.

Fine to discuss it as "promised", but fine to not do it. I agree they probably think DS gets it easier perhaps so I'd focus on the many plus points of them staying at school. It sounds as if DS is doing great, but the girls may not flourish with HS but only you know that.

Have a trial week in the school holidays where they are all 'home schooled' and cheerily point out that you won't have to have long school holidays if they are all home schooled!! You may as well carry on through, also they are less likely to get invited to parties etc? Will any of that put them off? Maybe reduce DS's trips, every week is a lot and I see why they think it is unfair.

'What the kids want matters too'
In this situation, the kids want to be home schooled. However, as an earlier poster has said, they are not of an age and don't have the long term understanding of the implications for the family of such a choice, to be given the choice. It is wrong to allow children to make choices that they are not equipped to make....and TBH I think it's an abide action of adult responsibility.
OP is the adult and the parent. Yes she can take into account the desires of the kids, but they shouldn't be the determining factor here. It is a big decision, not what colour socks to wear today. If the OP does it, it has to be because she has weighed all the pros and cons and make an informed decision that this is the best option for the family - not that she has made the choice because the alternative might seem unfair or cause temporary upset.
Sometimes children do have to make different choices for different children. Just because one is being treated in a particular way doesn't mean they all have to be. What is right for one isn't right for all necessarily....and the explaining of this to children and having confidence in your own choices, reasoning behind them and authority to make them is really important. Be confident in your choices OP.

Can you tell them you will do a trial of 3 days in the Christmas holidays and see how it goes. It means no toys, no tv, and do a 3 day set of lesson plans, to see how they like it.

Of course make it not as fun as their usual school, but let them come to that conclusion?

Thanks for the replies.

I do feel it is unfair to treat them differently but at the same time I get that I have to do what is best for each child (even if they don't agree!)

I am not worried about school places in the area we live the school are no where near full (Dds class is only 13 children) so it would be easy for me at any point to send them back. I would t want to do this I feel like once a choice is made it is made.

We are very much a school at home type this is embarrassing to admit but I do plans and activities in the holidays like a timetable and always have.

I just find that with having 6 of them and being on my own all day I just need that structure to keep things running smoothly.

It WOULD be more work to plan or work etc for them so you are right that would be more of an issue.

I would love to just take out the 6 year old but I feel then that it makes it even more unfair for the others !. I also don't want to send ds back and potentially lose the progress we have made.

My oldest was year 6 when we started she is now year 7 at secondary so she wouldn't be staying home. I have already said no to her so it's only actually the 7 year old ,6 year old and 4 year old.

You said you would discuss it, not that It was a yes. You need to stop talk on timetables by reminding them of this.

Given your son's need and your daughters don't I'd be inclined to say no to them. If your ds had 121 help at school and it wasn't enough and he's really blossomed under 121 with you then I'd worry what impact it would have on him.

You wouldn't be able to give him the same level, your other children will demand fair time of course. Which could lead to him suffering for it, setting everything back again. I think it's fair enough to treat them differently as long as the other kids get time with you too.

Final thought....fairness isn't the key issue here. The key issue is doing what delivers the best outcome for the family. Within that mix are the impacts on the DS, the DDs, the Op, her husband. If the girls are doing well at school and managing 5 homeschoolers might be too much for the Op and she's not convinced by it, that counts for far more, than a sense that the boy has received something the girls haven't had.

True fairness isn't about giving each person exactly the same. It's about thinking about each person and valuing them equally and what is best for them....and the answer to that what is best for them isn't always the same for everyone.....and that's fine.

Franicicso - I don't have a car in the day we do all of our trips by train. I do have money for equipment and trips etc.
They do a couple of activities but not everyday.
They do cubs/ beavers one day a week , swimming another and karate/dancing another.

We do go to a couple of homeschool meet ups as well but not every week.

Tbh I wouldn't want to increase it much more for the sake of my sanity so perhaps that wouldn't be enough.

I know a family with 5 children and a toddler who homeschool.

On the surface it looks lovely. they go for term time holidays, they do all sorts of extra curriculum etc.

If you go deeper down it isn't so lovely, and one (not the oldest) has now chosen to go to school, and the oldest will be going next September because the mum has realised that she doesn't have the ability to teach, even through the on line stuff, to the level she needs (going into year 9).

Their timetable is set up so that one of the older ones is looking after the toddler. They all go food shopping etc. All in all they get very little time to just laze around and do what they want because everything has to be timetabled.
The older I suspect will have a huge shock at school. She's always been top of their class you see, so thinks she's very clever, and I have seen where she's at and she's not bad, but she's not going to be top by a reasonable factor. But I also suspect she hasn't worked full out, because she was top easily so didn't need to.

When I first knew them, I envied them their lifestyle. Now I know them better I can see it's a handicap as much as an advantage.

I've only skimmed the thread, so not sure if this point has been made. If your DH is against it, why doesn't he explain to the children why?

Yes, agree this is something that should be discussed with the kids by both parents, after both parents have reached a decision. It's not just the OPs choice and although she will bear most of the effect, DH shouldn't abdicate responsibility either in the decision making, or the handling of the conversation with the kids. They are a family and they are both parents.
If DH is more involved in the decision, OP probably won't feel it all as such a burden, because it won't all be resting on her shoulders and the joint decision will give her confidence in moving forward with whatever is decided.

Hi Toast, you said the following in your OP:
'BUT although dh says the choice is mine as I do all of the work (he works long hours) his argument is why rock the boat when things are fine.'

If your girls were 'fine' with school, they wouldn't want to be home ed! They may be doing fine academically but they are still very young and maybe they would be better than 'fine' at home with you.

We have 3 DCs and have home educated since DS1 started year 2 (he flexi-schooled through Reception/year 1), so DS2 and DD never went to school. There are so many ways of working round things and you can always do project work to cover history/geography/some English/some science where they can all work together but you have different expectations according to age. We found that worked really well.

I'm coming to the end of my HE journey - DS1 started sixth form 2 years ago is looking forward to going to university next September having taken a year out this year; DS2 has just started at sixth form and is enjoying himself and working well; DD does 1 day a week at a local college to do GCSEs in English, Maths and Science and will probably go to sixth form in 2 years time. She also works 1 day a week with a couple of other families doing science, French and literature/history/geography study. The lit group has a wide variety of ages (8-15) and we just make our expectations different according to age/ability.

Feel free to PM me for ideas on how to plan easily and quickly as well as resource suggestions that could work across an age range.

And when they were smaller, I went out every weekend for a coffee on my own or with a friend - just to get away from everyone at home!! Cleaning was a joint effort and the kids started cooking a meal a week (with help/guidance) from about year 6/7 as part of their home ed.

I was going to jump in and observe that you don't have to do "school-at-home". Most British families home educating primary aged children don't have a very heavy diet of formal lessons. A lot of posters on this thread seem to be quite unaware that there are other ways to do it which can work quite well. However, you say that this is the approach which feels best to you, so if it's what suits your family then it's what you should do.

You do have lots of options, however. Here are a few off the top of my head:

1. Continue to HE just your son.
2. HE one or two kids at a time - for example, tell each child they may be HE for Y5 and Y6 if they want.
3. Let all of them be HE in your current style, despite that being a huge amount of work for you. Perhaps buy in some more help if you can afford that: help with the housework, or online lessons, or au pair to take some of the kids on outings. You may be able to exchange favours with other local HE parents, for example let them drop a child off for a playdate at your house in return for them taking one or two of yours along on an outing - in my circle we do a lot of kid-swapping because some destinations have age restrictions or simply don't appeal to all the siblings.
4. Possibly try a less formal style of HE which would be less work for you.

The parents I know who are HE four or more children all either work incredibly hard doing school-at-home, or farm some of the work out to tutors etc, or use a more informal approach where each child does "lessons" for a maximum of a few hours a week, learning mostly in other ways.

If you want to think through the options, you might like to post on the Mumsnet HE forum or some other home ed forum to talk about how home education can look in practice when you have a big family. There are plenty of people doing it.

Without knowing your children, it comes across as a typical "how come he gets to and we don't" that children can do. I'd continue to remind them that it's a discussion, and that you're (as in you and your husband) still deciding what would work best.

My concern would be that the wonderful progress your son has made would be hampered by his sisters being around, and while they're getting different things at the moment that doesn't necessarily mean it's unfair if this is how all their needs are being best met. If your 6 year old is struggling with friendships, you need to be sure that removing her from on-tap socialisation with her peers is the best way forward - you may well decide that she'd be better placed to make friends in home ed groups. But again, that doesn't mean that the 4 and 9 year old need to stay home too if they don't have the same challenge.

Whatever you decide, it needs to come from both parents as a united front, and try not to worry about not being popular if it's not what they want to hear. They're quite young to understand the needs vs wants difference.

I see it from all sorts of angles here. I think your school children see their brother as having fun doing nothing at home and getting a trip out once a week. They do not see it as an educational trip, they see it as a fun outing whilst they are stuck indoors.

Your son would lose that 121 that has made him progress and you may see him regress backwards. Also are you able to keep up with were everyone is at academically so that everyone thrives?

I would imagine it being very hard to teach people all at once who are at completely different stages.

In your situation i would make it very clear to the school children exactly what would be happening day to day and it is not a mess around at home type of thing. If you think it may work i would trial it out and if it doesnt work out or you find the school children messing about or slipping behind then you just enroll them back.

I can see why they think he does get a better time of it than them but i think its very hard to treat children all the same when their needs are so different.