AIBU to go back on my word to my children rather than go against DHs wishes?

[wholefttoastonthestairs]

Last year we took our 9 year old son out of school to home educate him. It wasn't something we really planned or felt strongly about but he was falling seriously behind at school, he was crying everyday and having panic attacks at the thought of school. It got to the point where we felt that for his mental health we had to pull him out.

We also have 5 girls, one baby but 4 primary school age. At the time (of course) they were pretty indignant that they were still going to school and ds was not. To calm down the situation I told them we would talk about the idea with them at Christmas this year. I had assumed that they would go off the idea once everything had settled and they realised I wasn't just letting ds play computer games and watch tv all day!

Now the time is approaching and the homeschooling has been a run away success in so many more ways than I ever imagined!

Ds is happy and confident he will now happily go to activities such as cubs and karate without tears. I'm not claiming he has become a genius overnight he obviously hasn't ( he is year 5 and the work we are doing is year 3/4 level) but the point is he is making steady progress something he wasn't doing at school.

Of course the girls have seen this, they keep talking about how they will be joining him after Christmas and talking about what timetable they will have. (We use a timetable and workbooks rather than unschooling etc).

The thing is that they have no problems at school, the girls are all working above or at age levels. The 6 year old struggled socially but is not upset by it. So there is no concrete reason to change things apart from the fact that they want to and I stupidly implied they could without thinking it through way back then!

Tbh if it was just me I would probably say what the hell why not?! I have loved homeschooling and so has ds.

BUT although dh says the choice is mine as I do all of the work (he works long hours) his argument is why rock the boat when things are fine. I get his point and I don't want to do anything that he isn't totally on board with.

So now I'm about to go back on my word to the girls rather than go against dhs wishes and I feel terrible . I have been trying to make it seem like a less attractive option for them but it's at the point where if I say no I'm going to have to outright say no .

Aibu to do this?

No, I wouldn't pull them out of school, but I am quite against home schooling in general as I don't think it is always in the best interests of the child. You learn so much more from being at school than just what is in the curriculum, so unless there is a serious, pressing need I would most certainly leave them at school.

The one I'd be worried about would be the one with no friends.

Does she go to groups outside school? Do you belong to a home-ed group for your DS?

Nanny yes she goes to outside groups we are currently waiting for the result of a social/emotional test for her . I had to get that through the gp as the school wouldn't touch it since she doesn't cry when she's on her own.

She is happy at school just on her own . She prefers the company of adults for some reason.

Ok, I'm not sure about your plan here, you say you want your son to go to secondary, but then state you don't think he will have caught up by then, I don't know how that works, are you planning for him to go to secondary later when he's older than the usual age to start?

Also, bearing in mind he has to catch up, he seems to have less schooling than all other children, he does a four day week and gets a trip on the fifth. I can see why the others fancy a bit of that too.

If he is behind by up to two years, and does twenty percent less than all other children, I think uou really need to think through what is the best plan to help your son here, as although he is happy and progressing, are you sure it's at the right speed?

Treating your kids fairly isn't the same as giving them all the same thing. Your son needs HE, but the others don't. His HE will suffer if he has to share with the others - you said 1-1 in school wasn't enough for him, so you and several other children won't suit him, either.

Bluntness - the plan is for him to go to secondary. He has needed special needs groups in primary and I would imagine would still need this help in secondary. He had progressed a lot the last year but not to the extent that he is no longer behind.

I would love to say we are going to catch him up in the next year and of course that would be GREAT but if he is still "behind" in year 7 it will be no different (in fact probably less serious) than he would have been staying at primary.

Plenty of HE families have multiple children and do just fine.

You may need to outsource a bit to juggle time.

Have you spoken with other HE families about your concerns? With respect most posters here have little idea of the support and resources available to HE families.

One of the main things I will say is to make sure you are plugged into the local HE network. Join as many local HE groups as you can.

You didn't commit to them being homeschooled just a discussion, so manage their expectations now and start to say that there are lots of reasons not to and tell them not to plan as you hadn't promised and they shouldn't assume.

There are so many reasons illustrated above why it would probably all fall apart if you homeschooled the whole family, so start turning thesr assumptions now, you have not lied or let them downin any way and you really have to make the sensible decision, you are the adult.

Good luck

We HE 2 kids and find it fine, we areore unschooling though as ours are younger. The one who has been to school still sees her school friends, and has friends through beavers and riding etc. I have friends who HE more kids, one with 7 from memory and whilst it is more work, especially with a more structured approach it is infinitely do-able.

Your husband hasn't said no per second, I'd still have the conversation with an open mind. I don't think your son would suddenly start regressing, IMO many of the changes may well have come aboit because he isn't at school with all the stressors that involves, as against.merely the 1-1 time with you.

You dont need to do as many hours homeschooling as you do at school as although school is 8.45am until 3.20pm only around 3 hours is actual full on work.

At school...

One hour is lunch
Two 15 min breaks
Time spent dressing and undressing for P.E plus setting out and putting away equipment is all very time consuming when there are 30 kids.
Teachers spend alot of time shouting at children that are misbehaving.

So imo only around 3 hours is actually full on work so there is no need to do as much when homeschooling.

Havent RTFT but your DS is making steady progress because he has your full attention. If you were to add your other children to the mix that may stop.

Your schooled DC are fine your homeschooled DS is fine, dont change things.

If all of your DC start doing poorly being homeschooled then all of your DC may resent you.

Teachers spend a lot of time shouting at children that are misbehaving.

Surely that depends on the school? The OP's son had 1-1 attention, so would surely have had more than 3 hours' worth of education in a day.

Home schooling may work for your ds because he is on his own and has lots of 1:1 time. Add four other children into the mix and you may find it doesn't. We have twins and one goes to school and one doesn't because that is the best option for both (most of the time anyway). You really don't have to do the same for all your kids and what is right for one isn't necessarily going to be the right option for the others.

Haha, I did this! Took one out just for a year or two, kept the other in school as she was doing well and no need to change things for her.

I ended up home educating them both up until age 16 .

It was the best thing I ever did. They are 20 and 17 now, really close, one at uni and one thriving in A levels. The age difference means nothing out of school. In my experience of home ed families, the children won't care if a younger one is further ahead - those things don't matter out of school. DD2 took most of her GCSEs at the same time as DD1, despite being nearly 4 years younger. Work wise, they both did the same thing at their own level so it was really no harder to have two at home. I also for a time had DNephew as well - and home ed turned his life round as a teen.

I think if you want children who are not resentful of each other in the future you can't do for one what you won't do for the rest. Does your son have to go back at secondary when he's doing so well? You might want to examine why. If it's because you don't think you can teach him at that level, believe me, I've been there. You will manage fine.

But how will this impact on your son? Surely this isn't 'fair' on him if he has improved so much with 1 to 1 teaching and interaction. Isn't there a danger his sisters will do better than him and dent his confidence again?

Music - if you had said to me a few years ago I would be homeschooling even one child I would have been filled with horror I think!. But the reality of it is not what I imagined

Jessica- I don't know the effect on my son at the moment he wants them home but I think this is simply because they are still young enough to get on really well and play together . Also their experience of them all being home is the activities we do in the holidays - relaxed watching films, doing art and craft , trips out etc.

I would definitely have the conversation with them ! I home schooled my two dds, now 17&18 and away at school. They were doing well at school and were loving it when we took them out to homeschool. Never looked back. I would give it a go - you have nothing to loose and it such a fantastic experience for the entire family.

YOu might not want to treat them differently, but if DS has some LD's and the girls don't, then thats not a valid option.

Your girls are old enough to understand that you didn't have a choice in HE DS because of his anxiety and his LD's, and while they may think its 'unfair' at the end of that day, they are fine and DO NOT NEED the same kind of education.

My son has ASD, he's being sent to a special schoo (hopefully) to do his SATS in yr6. my 7yo DD has asked when she will go, and i'd explained, very clearly, she won't be going because she doesn't have any SEN or disabilities and doesn't need the special environment to learn that her brother does.

If your son has some special needs, then this isn't going to go away and you may end up having to pull him from secondary at some point, your girls need to understand that difference.

Treating children fairly is NOT the same as treating them the same.

You son needs additional help with school work. He will loose that if the girls are home schooled too. The girls do not need 1-on-1. You would be unfair on your son to home school the girls I think.

You need to do what is right for the children. If its right to keep them in school that is absolutely what you need to do. Whatever they want. You didn't make any promises either.

Write a pros and cons list for yourself to ensure you are sure of what the right thing is. (It sounds like you know this already).
Use the list to help articulate to the girls why they should say at school (if that is the outcome.) If DS is the oldest, and you only have 1 more year of home schooling, that is one.

Also, bearing in mind he has to catch up, he seems to have less schooling than all other children, he does a four day week and gets a trip on the fifth. I can see why the others fancy a bit of that too.

That is far too simplistic. You honestly think that 4 days of 1-on-1 are less effective than 5 days in a mainstream. Ha ha. Fuckng Ha.

Tough one.

You need to balance your son who is behind with his learnings NEED to have one on one homeschooling at home, and your other 4 children who are doing well in schools WISHES to cosy up with homeschooing and outings, to the potential detriment of your son.

Why are you even considering it?

Why do I get the feeling that your daughters wishes are more important than your sons need for education?

I find the way you've framed the question quite odd - although subsequent discussion doesn't appear to bear this out. The 'DH's wishes' bit makes you sound like an unequal partner, stuck in the middle between 'the boss' and 'the children', feeling like you have to keep everyone happy - and without the courage to see that you are the expert on HE (and all your DCs' relationship with education) in your house and have authority generally, as 'parent' and 'partner'.

If you're saying you think your DH has a valid point but are mulling things over before arriving at your own opinion, which will then be discussed with him, before a united front is presented in discussion with the DCs, then fine.

That is how it comes across in discussion here - rather than that you would risk taking a decision unfavourable to your children's interests, in order to please DH. Or that any people-pleasing tendencies would limit your effectiveness as an educator. Rather, you sound very organised and effective.

It's all about your expert, adult assessment of what is really in their long-term interests, isn't it. So by all means discuss it with them, listen to their reasons and caveats, which might raise points that need to be addressed anyway. It's not a discussion amongst equals though, more an exercise in listening so you can best explain why your decision is the right one.

You said you'd discuss it & you should go through with that, even if you know what you'd like the outcome to be.

Get everyone to sit down and list out pros and cons of the idea. Let the children contribute rather than just you telling them. You might need to weight each item too, you don't just want to see a longer list in one side that the other; some pros/cons might be much more important/impactful than others.

If your thoughts are fully thought through in advance and you've already decided it is a bad idea, try not to make that obvious but allow it to be a family decision that everyone is bought into. Stress how grown up they are to participate in evaluating the decision but that ultimately it is a grown up decision but you want to make sure everyone's views are taken into account.