WWYD? Dilemma

[LemonaidLime]

I'll try to keep this brief. I have a very difficult relationship with XH. Our DD's 5 & 8 have recently (the last year or so) started becoming very reluctant to go to visitation. They give several reasons for not wanting to go and the older they have got, the more vocal they are about this. They will scream and cry at him down the phone or beg to come home if they go. It's very hard for me to hear them say these things - I'm torn between guilty that I'm not listening to their (IMO justifiable) fears and concerns and wanting them to have a relationship with their father.

I have a job interview tomorrow and as its XH's scheduled weekend, I asked him if he'd collect them from school (really rare for him to do the school run) and keep them for the weekend. However, he rang today to speak to the girls and they started screaming and crying that they don't want to go to his this weekend. They really do get quite distressed at times when they realise they have to go. I've tried talking to them about their worries and encouraged them to go, explained I have an interview etc. At one point I convinced my eldest to go if I got him to agree to take them somewhere nice (she chose a particular playgym very easy to get to) as she often complains that all they do at his is sit stuck in the house with only the tv and computer or to the local cricket club so he can get drunk while the kids play with other kids whose parents are also there. I messaged him to ask him and he basically said no, she doesn't deserve it after crying about going to his (he hates that they refuse to go and gets quite angry with them about it. Recently he turned up at the house after one such phone call and he was screaming at them through the door to come out and go to his. He also blames me for them not wanting to go as at times I have listened to them rather than forcing them.

So to my dilemma: My mother collects my nephews from nearby schools so in theory could collect the girls and they are begging me to ask her to do this so they dont have to visit their dad. Do I ask her to do this and tell XH not to bother having them that night or do I allow XH to collect them and go ahead with scheduled contact? I'm really torn on the right thing to do. I really could do with the break as I'm quite ill with a chronic condition but it breaks my heart to think of them stuck at his and desperately wanting to come home because they're bored and frightened.

WWYD?

Well done lemonade and lime please do consider a concealed camera and catch him ranting and raving, that will show the courts what he is like!

Ha e you had any further thoughts on CAMHS? I got school link worker involved. She was a big help.but we did not resolve it. My Dd no where near as troubled as your Dd (just for the record). In the end I made so Mich fuss about her failing at school (dyslexic) that I kept talking educational psychologist. They brought someone in and she pushed for CAMHS. Go for it.

He tells me I have no right to tell him how to parent. And I think does he have a point on this? Where is the line the right place to draw when you are the other parent?

when the dc kick up such a fuss and dont want to see the other parent, he can be as stict as he wants but its not your problem if they dont want to to go there

Op only read first few pages but after your description of your dd issues I would also be holding out for no contact. I do not know the ins and outs of all the legal side BUT in terms of your DD the bottom line is - she has emotional issues and contact with her dad is surely the last thing she needs, whether or not she is not telling the truth or is exaggerating it doesn't matter in my mind, the point is she seems very un happy already and this is adding to her stress.

For this reason alone, I would stop contact.

Op please don't let anyone doubt your parenting ever.

we all have different styles and this is you - it sounds the last thing your poor girls need is you turning on them too .

the more I am reading about your ex the worse it gets.

Things have just got more complicated.

XH called last night to speak to the girls. I usually answer the phone on speaker phone and let them decide if they'd like to speak to him. After initial reluctance, XH started saying he had a present for DD1 but she couldn't have it unless they agreed to go to his this evening. He would also buy them a takeaway. It worked and he's picking them up tonight with a promise that he would bring them straight back if they wanted to.

This is partly why I never know what to do for the best. The present is an iPhone 5s, obviously not something I can afford to buy for my DC and we rarely have takeaways as I can barely afford the food shopping what his lack of help.

This is bribery and as usual, his generosity only extends to DD1. If I stop them from going then I become the enemy and it reverts to me being blamed. I already know they will start refusing again soon unless he's going to buy them a present every time they go. Back to square one.

Sit down with your elder daughter and talk with her about what's going on. If she threatened suicide if she was forced to go to her father's house, why is she now willing to put up with it in exchange for an iPhone?

I don't think you should let them go. Among other things, it's not fair on your younger daughter. And you can't allow this bribing dynamics to go on.

Look, you need to get down to the bottom of this. I agree with PPs who said that you should arrange family therapy - giving your XH the option to participate if he wants to, so that a court would see that you gave every option to improve things.

Even if your children visit their father this time, it's just papering over the problem (and still damaging both your children).

Oh, and I would be telling your Ex that he won't be having any contact with your daughter while he behaves with such blatant favouritism.

If possible, get his offer of an iPhone for DD1 only in writing, so you have proof.

Sexual abuse goes in circles. By your description... your bf doesn't seem that great either. I'm worried for your daughter because if she did have suicidal episodes then there is something not right. You need to reestablish your communication with your dd1.

Sir her down and tell her that you love her- always have and always will, there is nothing she should be afraid to tell you, you want the best for her and want to protect her, and ask her about things that make her uncomfortable? If there's been any moments where she hasn't felt happy?

My spider sense is saying due to her young age she is not being articulate enough to understand abuse. Also remember children can be a little fickle so the idea of an iPhone 5 would be exciting to any child - even a 15 year old. I also don't like how your xh only treats your older dd. Men who are sexually abusive attempts to buy the trust of their victims sometimes.

Maybe he's just a rubbish dad but either way you are all your children need in life. One good parent outweighs one rubbish one!

I'm a worst case scenario person but I would rather a young child be safe then sorry.

They don't have to go to receive presents from him .
He can drop it at the door.
So your dd is now all keen to go ?
Is it about the phone or the "poor me " ?

At 8 she doesn't really need an iPhone does she ?
Is it staying overnight she doesn't like then ?
I think you need to get some advice from.someone progessional who has spoken with your dd before allowing contác t. The present can wait.

She can't be suicidal.at seeing him then om if there is a present.... and he isn't going to bring them back if upset is he ? He will dictate and decide when they come back.

He is buying them.and you by Guilting you.

Tell him. No it's school. Night they not going out
The present can be dropped off next week.
You need to get dd seen by camhs first

Ps is there really a present or will it be oh you can't have it today you need to stay with me on the weekend etc ?
Does he have form for giving presents like.this?

Stop trusting him
I would bet the present does not materialise
This is about him bribing and manipulating

The present is a really bad idea, he can now call her whenever he likes, he has a direct line to her that he pays the bill for and he knows the number for.

I really think you should not have told the girls of the phone or take away and should have stood your ground. If you have even the tiniest suspicion of sexual or other abuse no amount of presents or meals should encourage you or them to be anywhere near him until this is cleared up.

I am afraid this suggests that you cannot say no to him and really need to seek help to make sure he:
is not abusing them (well we know he is neglecting them when in charge of them but is there more)
IS giving you mainatance to support them, how can he afford iphones and take aways and you struggle for food?

I am sorry to say this but he is shitting on you, and them both, from a great height.

My dd got a tablet at 11 and it has caused so many rows between her and her brother. Electronic devices and bribes are not good parenting for such young kids not if they will cause division and allow him any influence in her life. You should have said no and not told them.

Get help, he is going to grind you down with his good cop bad cop routine.

You do not need to tell them all he says or offers, you do not need to allow him access to them if you suspect he is abusing his position in their lives! (And to me playing one off as favourite is an abuse of power).

Please get help, legal, emotional etc and get some assistance with self esteem and assertiveness training, if you can. You are divorced but he is still calling the shots. Getting drink while you can barely afford to eat!

You need to stop him, make him pay to support his own kids, and get to the bottom of the issues before he gets the privilege of eating with his kids and once again showing how shit he is by favoring one over the other.

I don't think your children are old enough to make that decision . You decide for them . You know what is good for them . Don't cave in . It's a phone and a takeaway.