AIBU? To tell him to buy his own kids clothes?

[Jmhirvine]

Ok long story short I'm split from my husband and there's been a lot of malicious activity since which has resulted in him being arrested and cautioned for hatassment. He called SS on me so I stopped contact for a while until it was resolved as both children have asd and will repeat info if it's fed to them. Contact has now been restarted and has been working for the last 2 months today he text me asking me to dress the kids up next week for contact as he was going to a family event and I wrote back saying buy them something yourself I don't have the money for it (he pays some maintenance but about 2/3 of what he should) so ladies AIBU?

Working on they have suitable clothes and you don't need to buy something new, so yanbu to refuse to get something specific if they can wear "best" anyway.
But you should make that clear to him. Give him the situation. They can wear xyz / but I don't have a budget for anything specifically new for this event.

Thanks that's what I've said and I have also agreed to let him take them early so they can go to whatever the event is. The sceptical part of me thinks he's just trying to suck me in to asking what the event is!

To be clear - has he specifically told you they need to be wearing something in particular that they don't already have in their wardrobes, like suits or posh party dresses or something? Or has he just said 'Can you make sure they look smart?'

If the former, then yes, he needs to buy them whatever he thinks they need to wear. If he's just said 'They need to look smart' then just put them in the smartest outfits they already own.

He said can you get them something nice to wear on x date as we have a family event to attend.

He said can you get them something nice to wear on x date as we have a family event to attend.

Ah, OK - then in that case, YANBU to say he needs to pay for their new outfits.

It also depends how old your DC are and how much they understand.
My ex once said th me to dress my DD smart for a party, and although I did, her shoes weren't the smartest.
He'd had 2 weeks notice to buy her some but he didn't bother as that would of cut down his beer money!
She was 9 I think and ever so embarrassed!
So although your ex IBVU, how will your DC feel?

He said can you get them something nice to wear on x date as we have a family event to attend.

Sums it up really. He thinks you are the real parent who does the real parenting things. And he is ... god knows what.

Text him back and say "I will be sending them to you in their usual clothes. If you need to change them for a specific event and are short of time, you can pick them up early if you like"

YANBU

However for the kids sake, you could offer to buy something for them after he has transferred the money for it to you. If their shoes are decent then you could get a couple of decent outfits from Asda for £40, but tell him £50 as that will cover petrol etc.

YNBU. My Ex often has to take the DCs to special events because of his culture ams I think it's important the DCs ars aware of both sides of their heritage. The only thing he's ever asked me to do contribute towards the outfits is time (he works shifts at the hospital and cant just take an afternoon off here and there), if he can't get out of work, he gives me the money to get them and asks me nicely.

*oops apologies for the spelling mistakes.

No, just send them in slightly smarter than usual clothes. If he only sees them for a few hours then it's unreasonable for him to buy full wardrobes for them, but you shouldn't be having to buy them totally new outfits.

Don't buy anything new for his event. If he buys it you may never see it again, but so what.

Thanks Ladies, I used to send them in best all the time with a bag of clothes and never got them back or he'd be 'helpful' wash them and ruin the new clothes! I don't want my kids to feel left out and he says his sister will take them for new things because I'm refusing so god knows what he's told his family! I'm so sick of fighting over nonsense and hate the fact that he can play the wounded warrior so part of me would have bought new everything but now I don't want to if that makes any sense!

Get the right money out of him, why should the children lose out. It's crap him not paying what he's supposed to.

Yanbu, send them in slightly smarter clothes and if this isn't good enough he will have to stick his hand in his pocket for a change.

I also think that you are right he's dropping subtle hints for you to ask where it is they are going, rather than tell you straight up. Don't give in to his request for clothing and certainly Don't give in to his mind games.

How do I avoid getting sucked into the mind games???

Don't ask about the event! Spoil his 'fun' by refusing to engage!

I would send them in something nice if it were me , as I wouldn't want them feeling scruffy. But I would ask him to make sure I got the clothes back .

I would message him back telling him what clothes you would plan to put them in for the event. Then advise that if they are not smart enough for the particular event he will have to take them shopping for suitable clothing during their next visit. Don't offer to go buy clothes even if he gives you money. He can sort it out surely?

Hang on he's said his sister will take them for clothes? So what's the stress? You've said you can't and so he's said he will sort?! I wouldn't worry about what he's told his family. Let them sort it out.