To not let my DF bring sick friend to visit?

[hateadulting]

This is a really tricky one as I desperately don't want to hurt my DF. He has been through a lot but he's quiet an unaware person and subtle hints don't work with him. We live about an hour away from each other and in general get along with him.

Lately he's been calling every Sunday morning to ask if he can bring an old family friend up to see us. Let's call old family friend Roger. Roger is the most forward, eccentric person I think I know. In general he's friends but he has neveer seemed quiet right to me. I started noticing when I was a teenager that he's extremely touchy feely. He'll constantly hug or hold me and want to kiss me. I don't know if this is normal as anyone who knows me is well aware that I dislike people being in my personal bubble. I'm just not very uncomfortable with it.

One thing I know for sure is not normal is that often when he hugs/ holds me he touches smacks my bum. I honestly feel sick typing this out and I'm panicking thinking I'm inevitably going to have to see him some time soon. I remember being an uncomfortable 10 year old and going to my room when he'd arrive as he'd comment on my legs if I was wearing shorts or whatever.

So far I've used excuses such as christenings and illnesses to avoid this. I feel terribly guilty and as if I'm letting my dad down. Apparently roger can't wait to see me again and meet my 22 month old DD. Roger has cancer and is getting treatment so I really feel as if I can't deny him seeing me for that reason!

Sorry this is so long. I just want to know if I'm being an horrible bitch for not letting a sick man visit and lying to my DF.

That's perfect whereyou

Just no! He is your DF's friend not yours. If your DF wants to spend time with this guy then that's his choice but that doesn't mean you or your DD have to play any part in this.

My Dad had a horrible, letchy friend. He was awful. My Dad seemed to want me and my brothers' to visit this guy (we were all adults at the time) and we all disliked him profoundly. After a while I asked myself why I was doing this. I then decided I owed this guy nothing and didn't have to see him for my Dad's sake either. I don't expect my Dad to hang out with my friends. After my DF died this guy phoned me saying he wanted to keep in touch. I was polite but distant and didn't arrange anything and didn't contact him again. He was my Father's friend just as Roger is your Father's friend. It's sad when anyone has cancer, but that doesn't change the situation that he is letchy, groping and makes you cringe. It's not negotiable imo.

Just tell him no I would rather you not bring your friend.

If your dad asks why, I don't like him, simple as that. Your feelings are important to, put yourself first and decline.

I agree that you are under reacting, and that people who you have told in the past have minimised. Keep this man away from yourself and your daughter, and tell your dad whatever you are most comfortable with saying. I might go for something vague if he is likely to attempt to minimise, which would understandably hurt your feelings. I'd want to lay it out and be supported but... people do minimise, and perves are charming and do things unseen try to get away with it for longer.

If this happens every week, is your father ever going to let you see him without Roger, or are you going to have to wait till Roger actually dies?!

See what nonsense this is? It may be your father's nonsense, or Roger's, but someone's got to stop it, or you'll never see your father again. And you may be blamed for it if you don't matter-of-factly put the blame where it belongs, on Roger. He's not even family, so really has no right to wedge himself in between family members like this.

What would happen if you just said to your father: "Roger makes me very uncomfortable, he is very touchy-freely, and I think he is very inappropriate. I don't feel safe around him."

Why are you protecting your father from the truth? Also, has he never noticed that his friend is a gross pig who is perving on his daughter?

Pardon me if that sounds harsh, but I think it is taking British stoicism a step too far to be putting up with that nonsense.

Have you ever considered that Roger's behaviour towards you as a child IS the reason you are so guarded with your personal space as an adult?

You told your mum. Has she/did she not bring this up with your dad at the time at all?

You can tell your dad whatever you like, I'd prefer a quick version of the truth, otherwise you're committed to lying repeatedly. Just don't see this man. Don't have him in your home. Joliness doesn't allow you to grope people.

Do you think maybe your mum didn't realise he was pervy with you and thought you'd noticed how he was with her? That may explain why she down played it. I agree you should not down play. Tell your dad as much as it takes for him to get the message and then I'd worry about what you think about your dad rather than what he thinks of you. Don't let your DH convince you otherwise either be clear with him what happened during Roger's visits when you were a child

It's not ok, you are not over reacting. You may be getting more sensitive to it with age because you are now aware of sexual predators in a way which you were not in the past- let's face it, it's all over the news. It was the norm when I was a girl to be groped, but it was still wrong and most men didn't do it. We just were not encouraged to challenge the ones who did.

Tell your DF that although he likes Roger, you do not. He makes you feel very uncomfortable and you do not want him in your house. You can agree with DF that it's sad he has cancer, that DF likes him, all that is ok. Having him in your house when you don't want him there is not.

Sometimes other people's need come first.

'sorry dad your friend made me feel uncomfortable touching me as a child, he hasn't stopped and I will not risk him touching DD and harming her. As you love DD I know you will not want this either'

Perverts thrive on the fear, wrong shame and love of others the victim has to maintain their abuse.

If more people were brave enough to speak out they would not be able to abuse people as easily.

Pitless yanks words are good. I'd start it with 'Dad, I'm sure you've noticed that I always have an excuse when you want Roger to visit. The reason is that I didn't want to discuss with you that from childhood Roger has touched me and groped my bum, and so I don't want to see him again. I'm not asking you to do anything, I just want you to know that I don't want Roger in my house or around my daughter or myself.'
If he goes on about how upsetting it is for him, say yes, it must be horrible to know your daughter has ben violated, just as it was upsetting for me as a child to go through that.
If he goes on about poor Roger, then 'you reap what you sow'.
Good on you for protecting yourself, what an excellent model for your daughter!

Be straight with your dad, tell him exactly what this Roger does. What an absolute creep and I agree with PP that you owe him nothing.

You say you only hug/touch DH and DF. You also say you have known Roger since you were young. Could this be connected?

Thanks for everyone's comments. Last night reading all your replies I realised more importantly than anything is the fact Roger can't be trusted around my DD. I don't want her to feel the way I felt. I talked to my DH and I decided to call my Dad this morning.

I just came out with it, I just wanted to tell him and have it over with. He didn't agree with me and said that this sort of thing is 'subjective' and that I can't just make out someone to be a creep because I feel uncomfortable with it!! Apparently Roger is like this with all women and that's just the way he is.

He said if a man walks into a room and is touchy feely with all the people in that room but one person feels uncomfortable with it, it doesn't mean the man is wrong! I tried to explain that 9 times out of 10 people who feel uncomfortable with it probably won't say!

I'm pissed off that people seem to be aware of Roger being inappropriate but just pass it off as he's a nice man!

PP asked do I think the reason I dislike touchy feelyness now is because of how Roger acted when I was younger. YES, I think this I the case. I can't seem to see anything else it could be.

The first memory I have of Roger was when I was quiet a young child. He had a vintage tractor and used to bring me for rides on his lap this turns my stomach to think of now.

...and your dad realises this was happening when you were a child? He needs to wake up.

Velvian I said more to him than originally planned. I thought I'd only say what needed to be said to get the point across but once it started coming out I couldn't stop. I think he's favouring the memory of his sick friend over my feelings!

Selfish idiot, than don't see your dad then.

Well, I can see why you're minimising your own feelings, OP, because everyone around you (other than, I hope, your DH?) is busy minimising them for you. If it helps, my parents (now in their mid-70s) have had broadly similar responses to a paedophile priest who they regularly allowed to come to our house (with four young children) throughout our childhoods because he shared a hobby with my father.

It emerged not too many years ago that in fact they'd been well aware of the complaints and rumours about him (in a classic Catholic church 1970s and 80s move, he was just moved round a lot and spent some time away 'on courses'), the fact that large numbers of vulnerable boys were always in his parochial house, and friends of theirs had seen him with his hand on a boy's leg during a shared car ride - no one did a thing. It would have been 'over-reacting' and cause 'too much hassle' to do anything.

Despite me and my siblings being furious with my parents about this once we knew - and realised that if he'd asked for my little brother to go camping with him, they wouldn't have said no -- the only time I actually saw the seriousness of the situation hit home to my father was when this priest died a few years back, and his hobby group (which has a weekly group broadcast situation in which they would normally have a memorial bit for a deceased member) didn't acknowledge his death or send flowers/a representative to the funeral.

It took his peers' reaction, not that of younger women my father considered to be 'over-reacting,' to belatedly make him aware of the situation. [hmm[

Your father is behaving appallingly, but you know that. And it's not just safeguarding your daughter that matters. That you've been repeatedly touched inappropriately by a 'family friend,' and your responses ignored or minimised, matters too. It makes me furious to see you doubting yourself because no one is acknowledging what happened.

No wonder rape victims go to the police in such tiny numbers.

Roger sounds like a right old perv!!... Sorry to say, but it people like your father why people don't come out more often with things like sexual abuse etc.

They invalidate people's feelings all the time!!

IMO you owe Roger nothing...and your feelings and concerns come first. Chances are Roger will be dead soon...and I'm sure its not on his bucket list to see you or DD. Your DF should respect your choice and leave it at that.

ToothPowder I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm from Ireland and the story of that priest sums it up really. People here don't want to cause too much of a big deal or too much hassle when it comes to these things and that mentality must still linger on unfortunately.

I think I'm more disappointed in the fact that I made excuses for my Dad. He honestly is a very unaware type of man and I really did think he didn't notice Roger was a creep. But the fact that he said Roger treats other women like this says to me he also treated my mother that way and my Dad knew.

I have to question my Dads integrity tbh!

I'm Irish, too, hateadulting (as was probably obvious, depressingly, from my story). My father is an equally 'unaware' kind of man, and that minimising attitude isn't at all unusual for my parents' generation. In fact, I was sexually abused aged ten by an elderly man encountered during visits for - won't specify, but think of Catholic organisation centred on Virgin Mary, selling Catholic papers, visiting the sick etc - and have never told my parents, for precisely this reason. Not making a fuss - if it involved my parents getting out of their comfort zone and setting themselves apart by making a complaint or raising an issue against an authority figure - dominated my childhood.

Sympathies, OP. But you did exactly the right thing. And yes, depressing to encounter that minimising side of your father, but in fairness, you knew it was always there. Nothing's changed, even if you hoped your father would realise how enabling of his 'friend' he'd been.

Incidentally, as your baby gets bigger, you may have to have some serious conversations with your parents about boundaries and authority. I no longer live in Ireland, and have a four year old son, and when my parents visited and it got to the point where they would take him out by themselves, I had to literally sit them down and run through scenarios where they might have to go up against someone they perceived to be an authority figure if it involved DS's safety. (I've had situations where they've let a persistent, authoritative-sounding stranger into my house to do a supposed repair, because it didn't occur to them to challenge, ask to see credentials or phone me or DH...)

Your dad doesn't mind that his friend gropes you?

He is no longer "unaware" as you described him, he is very aware, but he thinks it's fine and you shouldn't make a fuss.

Don't leave your dd with your dad, especially at his house.
Please.