To not let my DF bring sick friend to visit?

[hateadulting]

This is a really tricky one as I desperately don't want to hurt my DF. He has been through a lot but he's quiet an unaware person and subtle hints don't work with him. We live about an hour away from each other and in general get along with him.

Lately he's been calling every Sunday morning to ask if he can bring an old family friend up to see us. Let's call old family friend Roger. Roger is the most forward, eccentric person I think I know. In general he's friends but he has neveer seemed quiet right to me. I started noticing when I was a teenager that he's extremely touchy feely. He'll constantly hug or hold me and want to kiss me. I don't know if this is normal as anyone who knows me is well aware that I dislike people being in my personal bubble. I'm just not very uncomfortable with it.

One thing I know for sure is not normal is that often when he hugs/ holds me he touches smacks my bum. I honestly feel sick typing this out and I'm panicking thinking I'm inevitably going to have to see him some time soon. I remember being an uncomfortable 10 year old and going to my room when he'd arrive as he'd comment on my legs if I was wearing shorts or whatever.

So far I've used excuses such as christenings and illnesses to avoid this. I feel terribly guilty and as if I'm letting my dad down. Apparently roger can't wait to see me again and meet my 22 month old DD. Roger has cancer and is getting treatment so I really feel as if I can't deny him seeing me for that reason!

Sorry this is so long. I just want to know if I'm being an horrible bitch for not letting a sick man visit and lying to my DF.

I'd say no and tell your df why. If you can't and you let Roger visit as you take his coat whisper to him 'touch my arse today and I'll break your fucking fingers.' Then keep the visit as short as possible.

Neaders at one stage, the thought of being alone with him gave me the creeps but now even being around him with other people around creeps me out. My DH has met him about 4 times and thinks he's nice (he is quiet a charming man). One of the times my DH met him he quiet obviously held his hand on my bum but did it when DH didn't see and I made sure to ask him after if he did. I honestly feel like everyone else sees his touchy feelyness as normal but me!

It is not extreme to mind someone touching you up! It is totally normal and not at all the same thing as not liking to hug your granny or kiss a friend hello (which is still your choice to make).

Say no. You are entitled to your feelings and they are yours to own. What he was doing was unacceptable and you both know it. So tell your dad no. Tell him you find his behavior inappropriate and you do not what to revisit those feelings you had as a child. You need to own those feelings and not be ashamed because of his behavior. His despicable behavior. And your dad needs to know, never feel guilty about speaking your mind on this. It is not awkward.

I think your Mum was avoiding the issue by saying people from older generations were like this. I would say the exact opposite - people have tended to get more physically demonstrative than in previous generations. Your Mum knew exactly what you meant and didn't have the courage to back you up. This man sounds like a creep, and just because he's your dad's friend, or sick, doesn't make his behaviour acceptable or excusable. I wouldn't want to see him or have him around a little girl. But I can see what an awkward situation you are in, it is very hard to face your dad down and say no. But either you have to say no very directly or you have to agree to a visit. Do you have a dp who would be there with you? Could you specify a very short visit - they can come for an hour but not more? Why is Roger so desperate to see you anyway? That seems odd in itself - does he not have family of his own?

No, don't let him visit and make it clear to your Dad that you're not willing to let his Percy mate near you or your DC.

*pervy mate

You have a gut response for a reason - to keep you safe. Perhaps also have a look at doing some work on yourself to clear that horrid memory of seeing him. - I noted your comment about feeling sick whilst typing your post. These sort of stuck emotions don't do us any good. The Emotion Code is a fab book which you can use to easily release things that have got stuck.
www.amazon.co.uk/Emotion-Code-Emotions-Abundant-Happiness/dp/0979553709/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1478817279&sr=8-1&keywords=the+emotion+code

OP, it doesn't actually matter if the entire rest of your circle sees Roger groping your ass as just jolly japes - it's your body, and your right to decide how you feel about it. It almost disturbs me more than the actual groping how much you've had your entirely natural reactions minimised by the people around you. Have you not told your DH?

I bet if you asked his wider acquaintance you'd find dozens of women he'd pulled this crap with. I suspect that lots of women he once knew now avoid him.

He's a clever sexual predator. And he's good at it - that's why your family find him charming. It's not coincidence that he touches you when no one us looking, it's carefully thought out.

RepentAtLeisure I think it's my dad that has his heart set on it more than anything. He has really been invested in Rogers illness since he's been diagnosed and always texts me updates on how he's getting on. My Dad is great with DD and loves her and I guess these are the two big things in his life at the moment and he wants them to meet for some reason! But I can't be sure as he has told me Roger is really eager to visit!

OP I'm affectionate with friends and family but not all of them, I'm very clear who I'm okay with and who I'm not and I don't go for a hug hello with anyone who doesn't, including one of my closest friends. Anyone with an ounce of consideration can deduce these boundaries.

If it were me I'd tell my dad. But my dad isn't your dad! It just sound so yuk and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Could you tell your dad that much as you feel sorry for Roger being ill, he's always made you feel slightly uncomfortable with his hugs and bottom pats etc so you don't really want to have to feel uncomfortable about that again, in your own home?

Personally I would hope that your Dad values your feelings more than Roger's.

Or just keep making the christenings excuses indefinitely. Why not?! Does it matter if your Dad or Roger believes you or not? If your Dad calls you out on it, tell him then.

If there ever was a situation that you see Roger in person, I would be ready to wave from a distance, don't go over to him. Say "Hi there, I won't come over to you, I'm coming down with a sore throat bug and I don't want to pass it on" so you just don't have to have any physical contact with him whatsoever. Wave him away if he says it doesn't matter. "Oh no, I really won't thanks".

You don't have to see him. YANBU.

this gives me the creeps....you say he did this to you when you were 10....and now hes pressing to see your nearly 2 year old.....please dont....sounds all very odd to me.....if you do see him dont leave your daughter with him AT ALL

He may recover and have that hand near your daughters bottom in a few years. You are not thinking clearly because you have been groomed. That's how it works.

May I ask how old he is? Just interested in your mother's comment that it's a generational thing.

Thank you Dirtyfloorshappychildren I'm going to look into that book. It's such a strange thing to get straight in my head as I'm not sure if I'm partially overreacting or not!

ToothPowder I have asked DH about what he thought of him and did he see him touching me the way he did but he said he didn't. I kind of just laughed it off as I was embarrassed. I haven't talked to him about it. DH would be there if Roger was to visit.

Trust me. You are seriously under reacting.

I would take the easy way out and just lie. Make something up, your DH hates Roger, you have the chickenpox, your dog hates strange men, you have to go on holidays, your house is being painted, you don't remember Roger, you stole his wallet in 1982 and just can't face him.

I don't know why you won't tell your dad he's a perv but if you just can't then you have to lie. You can't meet him, and you definitely can't allow your child near him, so do whatever you need to to keep him away.

"Lately he's been calling every Sunday morning to ask if he can bring an old family friend up to see us."
You need to ask your dad WHY he's asking you this. Where's the desire for Roger to visit coming from - your dad, or Roger? Is your dad always in Roger's company? Are they joined at the hip? Does he not want to visit you alone? Make your dad THINK about his repeated requests.

And then just come out with it. 'Actually dad, Roger creeps me out. He creeped me out when I was a little girl, and now I'm a grown-up he still creeps me out. The only difference is, now I feel entitled to have my feelings listened too. No, I don't want you to bring Roger with you, I am tired of him eternally trying to touch me up. We would love to see you, but NOT Roger.'

There, done and dusted.

He's done a number on you if you don't trust your own feelings about him and play it down if your DH or mum or dad etc don't find him creepy..

OP this guy is a sexual predator who has no, or few, boundaries. I don't care how old he is, or that he's ill, or that back in the day people had different attitudes and expectations about this kind of behaviour.

A 10 year old should not have had to hide in her bedroom to avoid unwanted physical contact or comments from an adult. We used to accept that some people were dirty old men and that's just how things are. It was not and is not ok.

That you have tried to speak out about how uncomfortable you have been with his behaviour in the past and had your views minimised is awful and I'm sorry you had to endure that.

It doesn't matter if you are usually a tactile person or not. I'm very tactile with people but there is a very big difference between a hug and someone touching your bum or making comments about your body.

He's probably trading on his old age and health, fuck him. I've met many sexual predators and child sexual abusers who are elderly. They are just as dangerous as 20 year old predators.

I appreciate that it's tricky with your dad but seriously, if your DD came to you in 30 years time and reported a similar experience at the hands of someone you'd let into the house when she was a child how would you feel?

He's a sexual predator and possibly a paedophile, keep him away.

You've endured Roger's unwanted attentions in your youth out of embarrassment. Now you're considering putting yourself in the same situation because he's ill. As others have said, you're free to stop this. Any father worth the name would understand a conversation along the lines of "I'm sorry your close friend is so sick, Dad, but I have to be honest with you and admit I have never liked Roger so please don't bring him to our house". He might well ask whatever you don't find likeable about him; I'd be inclined not to mar his friendship by going into detail - "I've never liked him and I really don't want him to come to our house." Any possibility this approach would work?