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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not pay for a school trip

97 replies

Jupiter2Mars · 10/11/2016 12:17

Ds2 has an upcoming trip through school. As usual, it needs to be paid for.

TBH Its under £10 but even at that price its a waste of money. I remember when DS1 went on it. He came back in a really bad mood because it was such a difficult, boring day - think 5 hours in a church spent contemplating.

What will happen if I don't pay for Ds2? I know he'll get nothing out of it, so if the school don't let him go, then that's fine, I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jupiter2Mars · 10/11/2016 14:24

Trifleorbust - its not about being bored. Its about finding it distressing.

Ds1 said it was boring, but that's a childish way of describing something. I am sure it was boring, but boredom doesn't really explain his reaction.

I know my son, if he can handle the things that he's done with me and without complaint in the past, then I know he can manage 5 hours of boredom.
I'm sure it was boring, but his reaction was far too severe to be explained by boredom. I suspect it was having to publicly examine his faith and make contributions that were acceptable to others / the teacher listening in.

OP posts:

Enidblyton1 · 10/11/2016 14:25

You say that your DC are quite different to each other? I wouldn't therefore exclude DC2 from something just because DC1 didn't like it. Not without knowing the full facts anyway!
I would ask the school what the trip involves and explain you are concerned because DC2 was stressed after attending. They can then tell you what will happen on the trip and you can decide whether to send DC2. Don't make your decision without knowing the full facts.

Forgetmenotblue · 10/11/2016 14:25

deblet has got the right idea. Don't pay. Don't send him. Unfortunately he can't go as he has dental appointment that day, might have to have tooth out etc, so won't be in all day.

No need to make an issue of it. Just quietly opt out.

(I've done this a few times. And I'm a teacher).

Aeroflotgirl · 10/11/2016 14:26

Op out, I am sure he does not have to go. There will probably be others that are not going either, so will be at school with them.

Greengoddess12 · 10/11/2016 14:27

chuck

Please understand that some people have no choice!!! Our local provided schools both first and middle were CofE church schools.

What do you suggest people do?

Trifleorbust · 10/11/2016 14:28

In that case I find it very odd indeed that you would post here about it just being a crap trip, and that you didn't go to more effort to find out what distressed your older son bout it. Either way, just don't give permission. You don't need to make a big stink about it.

Original poster

Jupiter2Mars · 10/11/2016 14:29

No, none of those events, so not CMI.

The worst I ever heard of - just an anecdote this - was my DC's infant school. Luckily it was the year 2 class, not my Dc. They got taken to some event with live actors, who were in various places in a formal park / garden. That day the actors were doing the Easter theme, and as the children rounded a bend, they found two men crucifying another on a cross. There were a lot of traumatised children at pick up time that day and the school didn't book that trip the following year!

OP posts:

Original poster

Jupiter2Mars · 10/11/2016 14:31

Trifleorbust - I wasn't. I was just trying to think through what the repercussions at school would be for Ds2 if I decided to withdraw him from the trip.

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2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 10/11/2016 14:32

Well thank god for that. However there are quite a few of these groups about offering " free " activities to schools who jump at it. So I recommend finding out the organisation if there is one and then googling to find out who they are.

Trifleorbust · 10/11/2016 14:36

There will be no repercussions. You're not obliged to pay for him to go or to give permission. Just say no.

Original poster

Jupiter2Mars · 10/11/2016 14:38

I'll speak to Ds1 and find out what the problem was exactly.
Then, if I think Ds2 is likely to be similarly effected, I'll speak to Ds2 and ask him if he wants to go.
If he doesn't, then i'll take the medical appointment get out.

I'm a bit embarrassed that its taken me so many posts to get to this simple conclusion!

OP posts:

ClaudiaWankleman · 10/11/2016 14:39

I went on a similar trip when I was at school. A 'retreat'. Catholic school, I was a believing child. We did lots of things like confession, thinking about what we loved and found difficult about our faith, strategising how to be better people etc.

I found the whole thing awful. It focused on the negative aspects of faith IMO - I remember reading about the missions that were happening in Africa and thinking that it was steamrolling local culture and it felt awkward. But of course we couldn't make a point about these criticisms, we just had to accept that it was 'the right thing to do'. Thinking about what makes you a bad person for a whole day is also very wearing.

Add into the mix a host of 40-something Deacons who are trying to get on the kids' level and the day was exhausting. I hated it and had to go back for the next four years.

howabout · 10/11/2016 14:48

My DC had a strategic sickie in similar circumstances which was very fortunate as I had inadvertently forgotten to pay. A large number of parents took the same approach, totally unco-ordinated, and the school have not run the trip again.

ChuckGravestones · 10/11/2016 14:50

Please understand that some people have no choice!!! Our local provided schools both first and middle were CofE church schools. What do you suggest people do?

Either send them on the trip or don't. It's a religious school, of course they are going to send them on the odd religious trip.

gillybeanz · 10/11/2016 14:53

Church schools tend to do alot of this, they aren't school trips and fit into the curriculum sometimes cross curricula.
I'd ask school exactly what happens, but wouldn't lie and keep child off.
it gives them the message that they can pick and choose what they want to do, when others will just go and do what's necessary.
I think lying is bad behaviour to model tbh.
The school is a good church school by the sounds of it and your child might be the only one not going.

Original poster

Jupiter2Mars · 10/11/2016 15:31

ChuckGravestones - there are religious trips and then there are religious trips. Don't imagine that I'm concerned about the only religious trip ever. I'm concerned about Ds2 going on one particular trip, amongst many, because the same trip had such a bad effect of DS1. And i don't want to pay for the privilege of having an upset teenager to live with.

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Graphista · 10/11/2016 15:41

Where did I say DEMAND answers? I said talk to him, talk to the school, talk to your youngest...

Communication is key to parenting.

To those posters saying about their OWN lack of choice in sending their child to a faith school, that is wrong it shouldn't be enforced (and in my opinion shouldn't be state subsudised) BUT the op DID choose to send her children there and is in the same faith.

I hope you find out what the problem was for your eldest and that you resolve this, I agree lying and making a child complicit in a lie is a bad idea (aside from everything else the little buggers tend to drop you in it )

Be honest with the school, if they're a decent school they'll try to help.

nocampinghere · 10/11/2016 16:01

i spent 15 years in a Catholic School
never did i have a trip like this!!

nor do DDs.

I would tell the school that you don't want your DS2 going on it. That it put DS1 off religion and he is now an atheist and you don't want the same outcome. Tackle it head on. Your issue isn't with the £ (they will just pay for him out of the governor's fund anyway) so not paying won't stop the trip. Unless you don't pay and then keep him off school sick.

Trifleorbust · 10/11/2016 16:07

OP doesn't need to 'tackle' this. They can't take her DS out of school without her permission, irrespective of whether the school is prepared to pay for him. All she needs to do is say no.

ChuckGravestones · 10/11/2016 16:17

And i don't want to pay for the privilege of having an upset teenager to live with.

So don't pay and tell them you don't want him to go.

Original poster

Jupiter2Mars · 10/11/2016 16:18

I gave permission on a general form at the start of the year. So, i'd have to proactively withdraw permission for this particular trip.

I spoke to DS1. Normally, he'd be happy to see his DB being lightly tortured (!) but he advised me to have DS2 avoid the trip, if possible.
DS2 heard what it was and said he'd rather go than be the odd one out.

DS1 said it was talking about "God, and things like why we are lucky to be alive and stuff like that".

OP posts:

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 10/11/2016 16:33

If you have contacts at the church itself why don't you find out from them what it is all about. Sorry still have a deeply suspicious mind here. What faith is the school anyhow and what faith is the church?

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