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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD 15yrs shouldn't be disrupting the house having a bath at this time of night?

81 replies

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 09/11/2016 22:25

I have 3 DC. Youngest has SN, older two "resent' how we parent him differently to them.

DD 1 is 15 and the typical teenager but I'm at a loss right now. She answers back at every opportunity she is always right as far as she is concerned, thinks she can parent our younger Dc better than me etc

Again tonight she has decided to have a bath now, this really disrupts our youngest light/non sleeper rule is phone out of 15yr old room at 10.30 currently in the bath listening to music.

Youngest trying to sleep, I've been up and down the stairs all night, youngest is 7.

How do I stop this happening every night. There is no calm time. AIBU to expect DD 15 has a bit of empathy of how hard it all is and expect her to think a bit more about what her actions cause?

She won't tidy up the bathroom, leaves bath water and clothes where they are, don't start me on the state of her room. AIBU and expecting to much?

OP posts:

Balletgirlmum · 09/11/2016 22:50

What is she doing up at that time on a school night?

Unless there is a valid reason (eg when dd was in a show she'd have a bath or shower late after the performance but she'd be quiet) then it's unreasonable.

RavioliOnToast · 09/11/2016 22:50

Oh, do you pay for her phone? Because that would stop if she didn't have respect for the family and the time of night it is. Music in the bath at 2pm on a Sunday, yes. Half 10 on a school night, absolutely not.

Emochild · 09/11/2016 22:51

It's really hard being the sibling of a child with SN and teenagers are not especially big on empathy

Don't fight the little stuff like a messy room -she will no doubt make enough concessions for her sibling that you can cut her a bit of slack

YelloDraw · 09/11/2016 22:55

Bath - ok. Music and mess, not so much.

But it's pretty shit when your sibling is always the one needing time, attention, having allowances made for them.

In most families having a bath isn't considered a big deal. Suggest you cut your eldest a bit of slack.

Damia · 09/11/2016 22:58

So youre sitting there wanting to go to bed while she is in the bath but you cant because you have to tidy it after her? Stick ur head around the door tell her ur going to bed and to make sure its clean for morning or to get out now and youll do it if shes incapable?

TheGruffaloMother · 09/11/2016 22:58

If you'd said the music was the problem rather than talking about the state she leaves the bathroom in, I'd completely understand. But as you've spoken about your youngest so much and the mess isn't waking them, I do have to wonder whether your eldest is just completely fed up of everything being brought back to how her behaviour affects your youngest.

howabout · 09/11/2016 22:58

Quiet house after 9 pm here and I have teenagers. If they expect me to run the household around their school and social life then the quid pro quo is "MY adult time". Making a racket and a mess after my downtime makes for DM in unreasonable hardline mode which in my case rivals any teenage tantrum. Leaving the bathroom in a state or hogging it at any time of the day is unacceptable in my book.

YANBU but you have my sympathies because I have a teenage DD with a huge ego and sense of entitlement to match which I think is entirely normal but definitely needs boundaries.

If you are trying to work out how "unfair" you are ask yourself how easy it is to find consequences. eg financial, Mum's taxi service, household chores you do which she should / could do.

LifeLong13 · 09/11/2016 23:01

As a sister to a brother who has SN- it's frustrating when you're a teen & you see that your brother (SN or not) is being parented differently. You feel like you're always second fiddle to them as life and being at home evolves around their additional needs. You start to feel like your needs don't matter. I remember having to stick to his routine (when we had dinner, if we went out to eat it had to be somewhere he would tolerate etc) and the lack of flexibility is hard. Also I was expected to be the adult in the situation. Which isn't fair. As spoilt as it might sound it is difficult as a child.

Dragongirl10 · 09/11/2016 23:01

Stop tidying up after her!!

My dcs are 9 and 10 and if they want a bath or shower they know they hang up towels, put away toothbrushes and leave extractor on.

If they didn't do it then they would miss their PS4 time...simple

If noise is a problem YANBU to set an earlier deadline for baths, whatever time your DS with special needs goes to bed.
She is being really selfish and she should consider other family members.
My DH likes to lie in on Saturdays, as do l, so DS who gets up at 6am does not put TV on or play anything noisy, he plays with lego or reads, he has been doing that since he was 4.

Sounds like you are really soft on her....!

Geretrude · 09/11/2016 23:03

I'm interested to know how anyone 'addresses the unfairness' when you have more than one child and one has SN.

My DS is an only child (thank god). We can't go to busy places (events, festivals, fairs), can't eat out, can't spend hours in museums or wandering around shops. If I had older children, their lives would have to adapt around his needs and obviously I parent him differently to an NT child.

The OP says she gives her DD 'everything she wants'.

Having said that, do you insist everyone stays downstairs all evening after your DS is in bed? That seems a bit unfair. But I do think 10.30 is a bit late for a bath on a weeknight, assuming there's a shared bathroom.

I'd start treating her as a bit more like an adult - ask her how she thinks you can make the household work a bit better for her and her sister while making sure your DS's needs are catered for. What ideas does she have?

And do you spend any time with her on your own? A bit of 1-2-1 attention may help. I'd leave her room a tip if that's how she wants to live but shared areas have to be left tidy for other members of the house.

Dragonfly3 · 09/11/2016 23:04

I think it's ok to have a bath so long as there's not a lot of noise going on. I had a very messy room as a teen and no amount of chat from my parents made a blind bit of difference - it was only when I was allowed to have boyfriends in my room (until my 10pm curfew!) that I started making an effort to keep it presentable. I'd try talking to your teen adult to adult about it, as in, take her out to a cafe just the 2 of you and tell her how you wish you had more time to spend with her, how hard you're finding things and how much you'd appreciate her being on your side. Teens just don't understand that parents are people sometimes. Whatever you do, good luck, it sounds like you've got a difficult time of it just now x

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/11/2016 23:05

I think it's a safe bet (unless your other older child is much older!) that, when your 15 year old DD was 7, she didn't have her sleep disturbed by an older sibling being noisy when she was trying to sleep!

In the OP, you say how she's feeling annoyed you have to parent your youngest differently because of his SN. But if you had posted this without mentioning SN, I think she would still be being unreasonable. A teenager should not be acting like a small child. They shouldn't expect the 'same' parenting.

She should be behaving considerately - that probably means no audible music in the bath at 10.30. It certainly means clearing up after herself!

SooWrites · 09/11/2016 23:07

My 15yo has just got out of the bath. I was forced to listen to Bring Me The Horizon for an hour while she wailed along to them. The bathroom is just off my office.

She also used to leave it in a state (bath still full, towels and dirty clothes everywhere etc) she soon got bored of me calling her straight back downstairs to clean her shit up. She's pretty good now with emptying the bath and removing dirty laundry. I still have to cope with random bits of flowers and glitter stuck to the bath

Bathtime is reasonable. Music - depends how loud it is. As for the mess, let her get to her room, call her straight back to deal with the mess. Stand in doorway glowering at her until she relents. As a last resort threaten to take a picture of her dirty undies on the floor and upload it to Instagram, that'll soon get her moving

User1234567891011 · 09/11/2016 23:12

My parents wouldn't allow anyone to get baths/showers past eight, seven if you had to wash hair (because of hair dryer noise for half an hour after). That was always a rule in our house. Leaving clothes and playing music would be a massive no no. I used to take my phone in the bath which my mum didn't like but learned my lesson one day when I dropped it in :( Should have listen to her.

Teepish · 09/11/2016 23:13

At 15 she really should be expected to leave the bathroom tidy and free of her laundry, no music after 10pm for the sake of others either

I sympathise with you though

Mummyme1987 · 09/11/2016 23:18

If my teen leaves a mess in the bathroom then they are expected to go clean it up. I am less picky about their rooms as it only effects them. With in reason. Nobody in my house has the right to disrupt another by being selfish. Basic life skills. Be the parent. In this house there are rules, my rules and I'm the boss and it's a house that includes disability of more than one type. and I refuse to listen to any of their music! If you are playing loud enough for me to hear then it's too loud. Unless of course they want to hear my music, which apparently is not cool!

Tink06 · 09/11/2016 23:18

I think the time is okay as long as it doesn't cause disruption. If it does then yanbu. If you only have 1 bathroom it also means no one else can brush teeth/ use loo before bed. Its whatever fits best with everyone.

Woollymammoth63 · 09/11/2016 23:19

Is she yr 10 or 11?
I have a Ds age 15 he would not have a bath or shower so late it's just a bit in the late side. Also he's the youngest.
I wouldn't restrict her on her siblings behalf..you have to be a bit careful with that , but you can restrict her in the grounds of common sense just aske her to have a bath out and finished by ten at the latest.

Mummyme1987 · 09/11/2016 23:19

I def sympathise too. Teens are such fun!

Original poster

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 09/11/2016 23:21

Thank you for all the replies. All is quiet now. And I have some ideas from here to try tomorrow.

I need some 1:1 with DD1, it's so hard at the minute

OP posts:

Mummyme1987 · 09/11/2016 23:21

Even before my accident there's no way I would be clearing up after a teen.

Mummyme1987 · 09/11/2016 23:23

The best advice my mum gave me was be consistent and sure and be the pack leader. Teens are pack animals so be the alpha.

Mummyme1987 · 09/11/2016 23:25

Best of luck OP.

Pallisers · 09/11/2016 23:25

I'd get her out of bed to empty the tub, clear the bathroom.

But I also would try to let a lot go with a teen. Especially with a teen who has a younger sibling who needs a lot of attention.

So I wouldn't object to the bath but would to the detritus left behind.

It seems like she is looking for your attention though - even if it is bad attention.

Definitely try to get some 1:1 time with her. I know it is hard.

I have one teen with some issues and the other younger teen has said "sometimes it feels like the "older teen show" is on all the channels all the time".

Pallisers · 09/11/2016 23:26

And meantime OP, I hope you are getting some 1:1/support from someone too.

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