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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD 15yrs shouldn't be disrupting the house having a bath at this time of night?

81 replies

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 09/11/2016 22:25

I have 3 DC. Youngest has SN, older two "resent' how we parent him differently to them.

DD 1 is 15 and the typical teenager but I'm at a loss right now. She answers back at every opportunity she is always right as far as she is concerned, thinks she can parent our younger Dc better than me etc

Again tonight she has decided to have a bath now, this really disrupts our youngest light/non sleeper rule is phone out of 15yr old room at 10.30 currently in the bath listening to music.

Youngest trying to sleep, I've been up and down the stairs all night, youngest is 7.

How do I stop this happening every night. There is no calm time. AIBU to expect DD 15 has a bit of empathy of how hard it all is and expect her to think a bit more about what her actions cause?

She won't tidy up the bathroom, leaves bath water and clothes where they are, don't start me on the state of her room. AIBU and expecting to much?

OP posts:
Mummyme1987 · 09/11/2016 23:29

One to one with each child is a great idea.

Original poster
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 09/11/2016 23:31

No support from any where, well, apart from here.

OP posts:
unlucky83 · 09/11/2016 23:31

Opposite problem - I have a 15yo with ADHD and a 9yr old. The 9yo is expected to be a lot tidier etc than her big sister and has mentioned it. It is unfair but I've explained I have to make allowances for DD1 because DD1 finds things harder than she does - and I give her egs.

However cut off time for a shower here is 9.30pm - 10pm at a pinch. And DD1 is expected to be quiet from 9 ish. She isn't allowed to make noise upstairs. Not for DD2 but for DP. He works early shift and is bed by 8pm most nights - and eg the noise of the boiler can wake him up -for some reason if it is before 10 it doesn't- maybe he is in a certain stage of sleep or something...anyway if he gets woken up he is like a bear with a sore head so she seems not to want to risk that.
She is infuriating though - I have just had enough and taken the lock off the bathroom door ...she currently thinks it is funny to lock herself in there for ages -sometimes diving in there just before someone and not let anyone in to go to the loo - especially DD2 - unless they ask 'nicely' - that's not nice enough etc Angry Hopefully I can put it back in a month or so...when she has grown up a bit more...

Mummyme1987 · 09/11/2016 23:33

Can you see if there's a local parenting group? Teens are like another species sometimes (3 teen dds)

BoffinMum · 09/11/2016 23:46

Make sure all the hot water is gone by 10pm

Mummyme1987 · 10/11/2016 00:06

If my teen answers back or gives me lip, I take her phone away, second offence it's the tablet, third offence it's no tv. Each for day. Then add days if it keeps going on. I put them in the safe. Always the same and no warnings. And I never give them back early. Consistency.

Mummyme1987 · 10/11/2016 00:09

works for me, might help you. Or wifi password if you can change it, I've heard that works well too.

ohtheholidays · 10/11/2016 00:09

To late OP weather you have a child with SN or not!

I know how hard it is we have 5DC and are DS15 and DD9 are both autistic and were going through the Teenage years from hell with our DD13 and at the moment she hates that we have to parent DS15 and DD9 differently,she's still very close to them especially her little sister(they're the only 2 girls out of 5DC)they both adore each other but she has been a real pain in the arse sometimes about they're autism over the past year.

Right first off stop giving her everything!You know yourself you need to do that(and believe me I'm the biggest wuss going when it comes to my 5DC)she needs to start earning your respect(she can do that by tidying up after herself) and any stuff she wants from you.
We've had the trying to parent the other DC from all 5 of our DC so me and my DH came down on our DC about that,it's taken endless amounts of times of having to tell them/threatening to remove stuff if they carried on doing it/explaining how they don't like it so they're brother/sister won't like it,if they carry on we removed the stuff we warned them we would.

It's taken a while(with them trying to parent one another) and it hasn't been easy but it has got alot better over the last few months.

kilmuir · 10/11/2016 00:23

You haven't sais why you give her whatever she wants.( first message)
I don't think it's late for a bath. But I would be at door when she comes out, ' reminding her to leave bathroom tidy!
I agree if clothes not in wash basket then they get left on floor.
I have 2 teenage DD. I find it best to try and have a one to one chat about any growing issues. I used to explode when it was getting too much, but my mum reminded me that teenagers are quite self absorbed, can't read my mind, and often respond better to gentle reminder rather than being shouted at.
That said she needs to know consequences if mouthy or oversteps the mArk

Trifleorbust · 10/11/2016 02:58

I'm a light and early sleeper so I sympathise with you and your younger child - running a bath is quite noisy and obviously having music on at a volume that people in bed can hear is just inconsiderate. I would say stick to your guns. Ko baths after a particular time (9pm?) is a reasonable general rule as long as there is nothing out of the ordinary going on. And if she leaves the water in the tub, no baths at all - she can have a shower. You're not her maid.

You do of course need to discuss any perceptions of unfairness with her. Your youngest may well have different needs. Does your DD understand them? Is there anything in what she is saying? But this can be a separate conversation to the bath conversation.

ILoveAutumnLeaves · 10/11/2016 03:36

IMO 10:30 is too late for a 15 yo to be in the bath, they should be asleep! Insisting on them getting a good nights sleep is as important at 15 years as it is at 15 months.

Secondly, you need to set boundaries & consequences & stick to them. Tell her that if she leaves the bathroom a mess she loses her phone for a day. Tell her once, then when she leaves the bathroom a mess just say 'phone'. No debate, no drama.

Make things 'about YOU' not DS. Even if it's not strictly true. For example ask her to turn the TV down as it's annoying YOU, rather than say it's keeping DS awake.

Decide what the towels/tidy room/washing rules are. Tell her & stick to the consequences. Teenagers really are overgrown toddlers who need clear boundaries.THEY are happier when they have them & the rules are enforced.

ILoveAutumnLeaves · 10/11/2016 03:38

One thing I think parents really need to watch out for is expecting the older one to act like a parent when it suits the parent, but not to when it doesn't or not to have an opinion. It's a fine line.

FleurThomas · 10/11/2016 05:55

This ^.

Happymumof3tob · 10/11/2016 06:31

Sounds like dd1 is being unreasonable. But perhaps she is lashing out as shes trying to get more attention from you.... any attention is attention good or bad
Sonmaybe you dont praise her enough she she gets the bad attwntion as and when she can....? Even if dc2 has sn. Theres no need to parent them differently. That is an issue in my opinion.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2016 06:38

10pm is the cut off for any baths/showers here (4 adults)

Mine leave it (relatively) tidy but the inevitable noise of running water, tramping to and fro for various articles and general disturbance is a no-no

cansu · 10/11/2016 06:41

Anyone who has a child with Sn will know why you often have to parent them differently. It isn't a choice it's a must so ignore people banging on about this. Yes a bath that disturbs the younger child getting to sleep and to settle is an issue. We have a child with and who is hard to settle. I would be bloody furious if he was disturbed by someone running a bath at 10.30. I would be sitting her down to explain the house rules about this and other issues. She will flounce around and say it's unfair. Just calmly repeat. If she attempts this again, as soon as you hear the bath running, you go in pull out the plug and restate the rules. If she continues to take the piss, switch off the wifi for a bit. She may be 15 but that does not mean she can't understand that your house functions differently due to the sn.

FleurThomas · 10/11/2016 07:00

Cansu. Your 'tip' is why a lot of siblings of SN kids cut off/reduce contact with parents in adulthood. She's 15, that's not a child, and OP will do well to remember that. She needs to talk to her, maybe 1-1 over coffee or shopping, without the SN sibling around to take all the attention, and explain why her behaviour is inconveniencing OP. DD's wanting a bath (with music) isn't wrong, it's a good idea to remember that OP, but as it's affecting the family it does need to be remedied. Also why is she unable to bathe during the day - Does the SN sibling and his needs take over the whole house in the morning?

chaplin1409 · 10/11/2016 07:05

My 15 year old is in bed and a sleep by that time. 1030 to me seems late for a 15 year old to be up bathing as surly by the time they sort them self's out its going to be well past 11 which in my eyes is way too late for them to be up on a school night.

NavyandWhite · 10/11/2016 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlumsGalore · 10/11/2016 07:17

When mine used to leave the bathroom like that late at night we used to leave it, whoever was responsible was then hauled out of bed at 5:45 in a morning when angry bear dad got up and was faced with it. Bleary eyed the bathroom was cleaned before they fell back into bed. Only needed two early morning bellowings to get the message.

In fact we have used the very early morning treatment for lots of things, making too much noise late at night, leaving pots out downstairs, underpants on the landing. Very effective.

MapMyMum · 10/11/2016 17:17

My dh doesnt finish work until 11pm and not home until near midnight and its a very physocal job so he is smelly and needs a bath - bathroom right next to DCs bedroom and weve never had a problem with him bathing at that time and waking the children. So I dont see the time as an issue personally. However the attitude and untidiness is an issue. As a PP suggested, maybe she needs more attention

harderandharder2breathe · 10/11/2016 17:37

As the older sibling of a sister with MH issues which impacted my whole family in my (and her) teens, I have sympathy for you and dd

My sisters actions made life difficult for me (and my mum), and it was beyond frustrating when "nothing was done" about them. I can well imagine teen me deciding to have a bath at a deliberately inconvenient time for the rest of the family because "they never consider me and my needs so why should I consider theirs"

I was awful to my mum, who was already struggling because of my sisters illness. She bore the brunt of both of our anger and frustration, on top of her own, But the situation and living like that tore my family apart.

Does your youngest do anything or have needs which directly affect DD? Is there anything you can do to reduce the impact? (Eg my sister would spend hours in the only bathroom every evening but the rule was she had to vacate temporarily to allow someone to use the toilet). Show your DD that you are considering her. Put her needs first sometimes too, even though I know it's hard with snother child with SN.

There's no excuse for her leaving shared areas in a state, but don't stress about her own bedroom. If you can't hear her stuff littering the rest of the house then dump it on her floor. Don't pick up and wash towels and clothes for her (have separate towels for each person). She puts them in the laundry basket or she washes them herself or they don't get washed

KathArtic · 10/11/2016 17:46

Leave the bathroom as she leaves it, with water still in the bath. If she wants a bath the following night she will have to empty it and her towels will be wet.

user1471467624 · 10/11/2016 19:15

I am a sister to a brother with ASD and severe learning difficulties. My childhood was absolutely dominated by my brothers additional needs and sensory issues. He would make everyone get up at 6am or he would have a meltdown. Wanted everyone to eat at certain times. He also made it so we had to have lights out at 9pm as that was his bedtime. My childhood and teenage years was like living under a dictatorship. Anyone not cohering to his rules would be met with physical violence (bearing in mind he's a 6ft 8 lad) He was completely out of control and my parents didn't know how to deal with him so they just allowed him to get away with it. Naturally as a teen I started to rebel, got into the wrong crowd, started using drugs, ran away from home e.t.c. I really hated and resented my brother for a really long time and it was almost like I was goading him into kicking off a lot of the time by rebelling as I was overcome with jealously at how he was allowed to just get away with treating his family this way.

Obviously as I've got older I now understand that he can't actually help it and it's his disability that made him behave that way and my parents were trying their best with all the resources they had. But as a teen I couldn't understand this at all, probably just as a lack of maturity.

My advice would be to just try and listen to your daughters feelings, she's going through a tough time being a sibling to someone with SN and she's probably feeling so resentful at the moment at having to follow rules set by a sibling as it's not a normal setup and she's probably just started to realise this by spending time with her peers.

Try put yourself in her shoes, try and compromise a little.

I understand how difficult it must be for you though :(

HeCantBeSerious · 10/11/2016 19:25

I give her everything she asks for

That's your problem. On top of being a normal 15 year old you've raised a brat by the sound of it. She does it because you let her.