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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenage sons food demands / trouble at meal times

99 replies

Boom123 · 09/11/2016 18:57

Today as I picked my son up from school he did his usual thing of asking what was for dinner.

The last three nights he's had KFC, and two meals of his choice cooked from a cook book but tonight I said these are the options I'm not doing anything from the book! This was at 3.30 and despite and hours break from 4-5 we have argued about this with him throwing good food in the bin, frozen food on the floor and constantly looking in the cupboards whilst staying that I'm pathetic, don't listen, that the food is rubbish and he's starving.

I've cooked the food (steak and chips) and said take it or leave it to then find the dog running towards me with the steak in his mouth! The arguement thrb escalated to things he hates about me and how he prefers his dad and time with him, (we shared the kids 50/50). What would you advise as I've said I'm the adult, I haven't got an endless supply of money. I've briefly messaged my ex not asking him to have a word but to see if he's like it with him and for his advice as previously he's sided with my son nf told me to deal with it.

OP posts:

PoshPenny · 09/11/2016 19:10

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Do you think a weekly plan of the menus with his input and agreement would help? Then he knows what's for dinner. I'm not proud to say that I can lose the plot at mealtimes if I've got too hungry (usually by skipping a meal) and what i was wanting to eat doesn't materialise. Then nothing will do. Once I've eaten then all is calm again. and I'm very embarrassed by my earlier tantrum

Original poster

Boom123 · 09/11/2016 19:12

His dad has said repeatedly that we could all be together, that he'd apologised but mummy didn't want to know and he misses me which hasn't helped

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EatTheCake · 09/11/2016 19:12

I would offer dinner each night if he refused to eat it he would go without, there would be beans and bread if he was hungry later! Take it or leave it is the way to go

While I understand you and his dad are bound to parent in different ways he has to understand that and quite honestly suck it up! When his with you, YOU are the adult and He will stick to YOUR rules with regards to dinner

My DC are 21,15 and 13 and I can't not imagine any of them talking to me or DH in that way

JedRambosteen · 09/11/2016 19:12

Work out what you would spend on him for dinner each day & give him the amount each day in cash and tell him to sort himself out if he doesn't like what you are cooking. After a week or so on just chips (our daily per head amount is pretty small), he'll realise what a good deal he was on to & STFU. Keeping him away from your groceries/planned meals will be the challenge.

Arfarfanarf · 09/11/2016 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 09/11/2016 19:17

And no way would I be giving him a budget and the run of the kitchen. He's part of a family and he isn't paying the bills. The issue isn't that he has politely said to his mum that he has other food preferences. He has been incredibly rude and is treating his mum like his personal maid. The only thing he deserves is to be told he gets what he is given or he doesn't eat. And I wouldn't be sending him to live somewhere else either. I would tell him this is your home, I'm your mum and you need to treat both with a lot more respect.

trappedinsuburbia · 09/11/2016 19:17

Ooft, my choices were take or leave it when I was that age and whilst im not as harsh, they don't get a choice other than I know its something they like. I don't have the time or energy or tolerance for that kind of attitude.

I second the suggestion of letting him make his own dinner out of what is already there, I wouldn't be giving him a budget of his own for dinners. I reckon if he was hungry enough and its something you know he has enjoyed before then he will eat what is eventually offered (when you decide to cook for him again).

Original poster

Boom123 · 09/11/2016 19:18

Thanks for your comments. Things like My kids wouldn't dare don't help I need to know what you would do so my kids would be the same. I've taken away pocket money, shut down the wifi, removed all junk
Food from the house, got into full blown arguements, tried the taking calmly approach etc all whilst knowing my daughter is also in the house having put up with this crap.

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Lorelei76 · 09/11/2016 19:22

He's 14 not 4! He eats what you make or cooks for himself.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/11/2016 19:23

What a dickhead your ex sounds. I imagine your lad has learned his awful behaviour from him.

Having said that, teenage lads do get ravenous and hangry. Getting him to help you with meal planning is a great idea. He's not too young to cook a simple meal either; once he's faced the stress of bunging some chicken and wedgies in the oven, making a salad and bringing it all together on the table, he may view your cooking in a different light.

Original poster

Boom123 · 09/11/2016 19:23

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Original poster

Boom123 · 09/11/2016 19:23

OP posts:

Original poster

Boom123 · 09/11/2016 19:24

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Tanaqui · 09/11/2016 19:25

for you- it is almost certainly to do with him becoming a man, and his role model (dad) let him down by hitting you, and you won't Magic it away by taking dad back (quite right too) and not to do with food at all. Try and get him when he is calm, ask if he wants to live at dads (if that is possible with dad), ask what he wants to eat- if KFC and macs all the time does he know it's unhealthy? If you can afford it can he just go and get it? Or can he just have fishfingers and waffles- I would say don't care about the nutrition, do a healthy meal for you and dd and he can have it or not, but he isn't to fuss or make any bother for you. And if he lives on cereal and pizza for a month he'll soon feel like crap! But I think he needs to feel safe and adult at the same time, which is bloody hard.

MummaGiles · 09/11/2016 19:26

He threw a tantrum at steak and chips? He needs to have a word with himself.

JedRambosteen · 09/11/2016 19:26

It's like Supernanny. You have to ride this one out & stand your ground, or it'll be the thin end of the wedge & he'll be finding fault with other things. You could always get a few of those protein & nutrition powder shakes for frail /poorly people who have no appetite & offer that instead of whatever you are cooking for everyone else as option B if he doesn't want to get hungry/malnourished & is refusing what's on offer. Sounds all about control & wrong-footing you - no doubt learned by watching his Dad. Was your ex EA too?

mineofuselessinformation · 09/11/2016 19:27

Have a look at your router settings. You may be able to block access for him on his devices while leaving yours free - or (evil emoticon), change the password daily and tell him he can have it if he's civil. I did this with dc2 once, and made sure the passwords were relevant, eg 'sensible' and 'kindness'. You could have great fun with it.

musicghostly · 09/11/2016 19:27

When he asks what's for dinner and you tell him, the minute he argues just ask does he want it or not? If he says not say "fine, no problem, you cook yourself what you want" and leave him to it. Don't cook for him once he's said he doesn't want it/ won't eat it. It's not your job to be a slave.

FWIW, they can be hideous at this age. He'll almost certainly improve a couple of years down the line. Think of it like a toddler tantrum, don't engage, walk away, don't give in to the strop, don't pander to him.

Try posting on teens for support also. You'll get far fewer posters whose children are only 7 but who think their little darlings will never act like this.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 09/11/2016 19:29

Can I have his meal please? You sound like a good mum in a hard situation.

marvelousdcomics · 09/11/2016 19:30

My dd(14) makes her own tea, and her 2 siblings as I work. She has done this since 11. Her friends do similar. Tell your son he can either 1) make his own meals 2) eat what you cook or 3) go without. Simple.

MummaB2016 · 09/11/2016 19:31

This is horrific! It can't just be about the food. Sounds like he has deeper issues that need addressing. If you can't do this then perhaps someone else close (dad or another family member) could?

Sounds like he needs to learn some discipline and respect. Have you tried speaking to the school? They might be able to support you with advice or ideas activities he can get involved in to help him learn some respect. I don't wish to sound over dramatic but if he gets this aggressive over s frickin steak dinner, and there is a history of violence in the family, you want to try and address this and nip it in the bud before it escalates further!

expatinscotland · 09/11/2016 19:33

He cooks it himself and cleans it all up or you put locks on everything and he gets no dinner. He starts smacking things up I'd call the police.

PUGaLUGS · 09/11/2016 19:33

If DS2 doesn't like what we are having he knows he needs to go without or make himself beans/cheese on toast. I will not and have not pandered to whims over mealtimes.

itsgottabeblackorwhite · 09/11/2016 19:36

I would try 2 things. Explaining again why you're not with your ex. Explain why ds comments are not helpful and are actually hurtful and anyway his dad can't take him more often. Then sit whole family down and meal plan, I would also get them cooking at least 1 meal each a week. Might be worth speaking to ur ex and telling him to grow up too.

QueenLizIII · 09/11/2016 19:36

Steak and chips,KFC and McDonalds....and he has a problem.

A few nights of these might learn him.

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