Is the mother who refuses access a bad mother

[martinisandcake]

I may have had one too many martinis but my partner is the father of an 20month old daughter who his is seeing fortnightly for one hour at an interrelate centre because him mother is angry about their separation.

She believes he should be punished for leaving her.

He left because of her Mh problems and her $200000 debt which he eventually refused to pay.

Her punishment is to withhold contact with his daughter.

Am I wrong in thinking this makes her a bad mother?

But why would he only want half a day if he thinks the baby is living with someone who is abusive?

So are you saying he should have taken the child with him? Or stayed in an abusive relationship for the sake of the child?

Fathers don't generally get full custody (or indeed any custody) of young babies.

I often see mothers accused of being obstructive and using children as 'pawns' when actually all they are doing is disagreeing with the father's specific demands because they don't feel they are in the best interests of the children. Take the recent thread where the new partner accused the ex of being manipulative about contact. It transpired that evidence of this was her unwillingness to increase contact to 50-50 for her toddler. The main carer (usually mother) is actually allowed to say no to something if she wants, and the NRP is allowed to take it to court if they don't agree. Doesn't make her evil or a bad morher.

Is this the UK? You use dollars. If USA we do have different systems.

More generally some men only want 100% residence because they are idiots so want all or nothing and litigate for the sake of it. Others cannot be bothered to see the children at all or want to pick and choose contact rather than choose something practical to help the mother work full time.

If she is 20 months she is probably not still breastfeeding so that makes it easier.

Does the mother work and if so part or full time?

For me the biggest issue at that age is UK childcare costs abotu £20k a year so it is a question of the parents sharing that half each so the mother can work full time. I always worked full time with babies.

The post is not about how this is progressing but more to do with women or parents who use their children as a punishment for their own issues

But that's not what your title says. The thread title says 'the mother who refuses access' which could just as easily be the better parent playing a -very necessary- protective role.

You can't generalise. Why do you want to generalise?

All I can say is be very, very careful about judging a partners ex.

My ex claimed his ex was a psycho, a bitter jealous ex who refused him access and all the rest of it. I was niave stupid and believed him. He cried actually tears to me about how much he missed his daughter, how he was going to court to fight for her etc

Then I fell pregnant. Fast forward a couple of years and I was the apparent psycho ex who was bitter and jealous.

Next woman falls pregnant having believed both of us previous exes were both psycho bitter jealous ex partners. Fast forward a couple of years and she becomes one of us.

He's now due a fourth baby with the fourth woman at the beginning of next year. No doubt she believes I am the devil in human form.

Also you can't have actually been with him that long if the baby is only 20months old, don't get over involved. Don't start bad mouthing his ex and claiming she is a bad mother. If he's been fighting for 18months then baby was only 8weeks old when he left baby with an apparently mentally unstable woman who is abusive? Hardly up for a father of the year award himself. The relationship must have gone down hill extremely fast. I'd be very very wary if I was you OP.

Well maybe the courts thought taking a newborn from her mother for several hours was unreasonable and not in the child's best interests. Still don't get why, if there are hearings and orders, there has been no progression of contact in 18 months though.

Any parent that uses there child as a pawn is of course in the wrong

Access should only be stopped if you genuinely believe that emotional or psychical harm could happen to said child.
Stopping access because somebody left you is of course wrong

Hope it all works out for you dp OP

Not all Mothers who refuse access are bad, no. Some have good reason. Refusing access for no good reason clearly isn't reasonable. If you're asking us to pass judgement in your specific case then we can't really can we?

*So are you saying he should have taken the child with him? Or stayed in an abusive relationship for the sake of the child?

Fathers don't generally get full custody (or indeed any custody) of young babies.*

Erm yes, MN is full of women doing just that. Leaving and struggling with poverty or staying to protect their children. You don't read many (in fact I've seen none) where someone has walked out and left their 20 month old baby with an abusive parent.

Why did he leave a 2 month old baby with a woman 'with significant MH problems'? I don't think you have the full story here - it's so easy for new partner to judge the ex, but you weren't there okay. You have no idea what really happened and I hope you have the sense to stay out of it.

YABU. I think that it is really easy to become blindsided by your partners side of the story. You only have his version of events and her reactions to judge. There are 2 sides to every story and then there is the truth. I would steer well clear as you may find in a couple of years his new girlfriend is posting about you.

if it is 100% as you state he should be working with a decent family lawyer to enable shared custody.

and why may I ask, isn't he? I mean why are you even having to post this? Its fucking obvious!!!

he should at least educate himself, read this book and get informed
www.marilynstowe.co.uk/
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00RM0ZU6A?Version=1&entries=0

The used book is £4.79, essential reading

I may have had one too many martinis

So she has MH issues and you're drunk on a Wednesday night posting about your partners child (nothing to do with you) when you have work tomorrow presumably?

Nice pair you make.

You don't know the full story here this could of easily been described about me in all honesty so I wouldn't take what has been said as gospel

Here's My story

In a nut shell ex ran off with ow he had been seeing. We were due to move house and he pressured me into keeping the old house and him move into the new one. He was EA throughout the relationship. He suggested taking the majority of the furniture including the fridge my parents had bought me leaving me and DS who had just turned 1 without anything.

My amazing parents weren't going to let that happen following the break up Wednesday I had moved back home in the Sunday taking mine and DS belongings and his nursery equipment,I left all the furniture but to everyone ex said I left him with all the bills etc he wanted to leave that responsibility to me with an empty house.

I got a job and put DS in childcare. He was struggling to adapt from the massive changes in his life waking up during the night. I wanted to provide some stability and with me working suggested contact start every Sunday for 5hours then slowly build up as he was only 1. Ex and his family could not understand or grasp why they couldn't have him when they wanted and on different days.

During this time of contact DS started to act out and was reported by the nursery staff that DS was particularly upset following access. I had people telling me that ex was sat in the pub whilst his mother had him. When challenged contact broke down and they didn't collect him the following week.

Turns outs ex had developed a drug problem with cocacine and was actively partying in his new home with ow not an envirnoment I would want a toddler who was mobile as you can imagine. Ex didn't pay maintanence and didn't see DS for 4 months. When contact did resume it was fortnightly for an hour in a contact centre DS didn't know who he was. Yet to everyone I had stopped him seeing DS because I was bitter that he left me for someone else. The worse bit is he had his mother hound me to get back with him!!

The ow dumped ex and he focused in rebuilding his relationship with DS and they have a good relationship now, DS is 8 has two overnights and two weeks holidays with his DF. I was most certainly not bitter buts protective mother with genuine concerns and ensuring my child was in a safe environment. I 100% stand by the decisions and actions I made and I think ex is a better father for it.

The new partners of the parents being refused access ARE often(energetically) fed stories favourable to that parent, it's true. So not the best class of people to be judging the truth.

A book about the UK court system isn't going to be much use to the OP in Australia.

So he left an emotionally and physically abusive woman with an 8 week old baby do you really want people to say she is an evil mother ?

Sorry, OP, be wary.

People will tend to tell stories to show themselves in a good light. But a man is supposed to protect their child, but this one left and saved himself instead.

I wonder what the mums version would be. Fun game to play.

"My partner stopped contributing to the bills when I'd just had our baby and I couldn't work. I had to resort to credit cards to pay for things to keep us going. We already had a lot of debt together too which I've since found out he tells everyone was MY fault and is my debt. He left and hasn't contributed financially towards this debt since. When baby was only 8 weeks old, he applied to courts for contact without even discussing it with me or trying to arrange something between us. It's a long process with courts but he chose courts so I've stuck to that rather than offer alternative contact. He tells people I was abusive so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his behaviour re the baby or the finances."

Bet that's not too far fetched!

So he left a 2 month old with a physically and emotionally abusive woman

It's not quite as simple as that and it does NOT mean that the OP's partner is lying about what happened. The OP does not say that the partner was abusive towards the child. The child may well not have been at risk of violence. Secondly, how easy do you think it is for a father to remove a 2 month old baby from its mother? Chances are that the child would have been instantly returned to the mother, especially if she was breastfeeding. Mothers, like it or not, do have an easier time of it when it comes to very young children and babies.

I have seen many many instances of parents putting their own needs first and refusing contact because of their hatred for the other parent. It's hard to say whether it makes her a 'bad parent', but she is certainly acting in her own interests rather than those of her child.

I certainly do not think that on the facts you have given that your partner deserves criticism. He was in a very unhappy, abusive relationship and sensibly removed himself from the situation. That was the right thing to do, both for himself and the child.

I appreciate that this is in Australia, but in England, courts can be similarly cautious regarding ordering contact centre on the basis of vague allegations. Because there are often delays until the Cafcass report, courts will often err on the side of caution.

Speaking as an emotionally and physically abusive mother who abuses my children and beat my ex and left him in thousands of pounds worth of debt and am now withholding contact just to be a dick I strongly suspect your ex is lying.

In fact if it wasn't for the age of the child and the fact there is contact I would think you were my exes new girlfriend.

He fed her so much shit I'm surprised she doesn't have roses growing out of every orifice. Meanwhile, back in the real world, we are in hiding, I am in debt up to my eyes and we are all seeing counsellors and getting help due to the abuse he doled out for years.

Fathers don't generally get full custody (or indeed any custody) of young babies

Yes they do if the mother has issues worthy of being taken into account by the courts. I have several male clients who had had full care of their children since they were tiny.

"My partner stopped contributing to the bills when I'd just had our baby and I couldn't work. I had to resort to credit cards to pay for things to keep us going. We already had a lot of debt together too which I've since found out he tells everyone was MY fault and is my debt. He left and hasn't contributed financially towards this debt since. When baby was only 8 weeks old, he applied to courts for contact without even discussing it with me or trying to arrange something between us. It's a long process with courts but he chose courts so I've stuck to that rather than offer alternative contact. He tells people I was abusive so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his behaviour re the baby or the finances."

OK, but you made all of that up so it adds nothing to the debate. Would you do that if it was a woman asking for advice? Give an imaginary version of her husband's side of things? Some mothers/resident parents are implacably hostile to contact following relationship breakdown. They may convince themselves that they are acting in the child's best interests, but they are not.

but she is certainly acting in her own interests rather than those of her child. - You cannot possibly know this.