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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop my son hanging around with this boy

83 replies

jaffacakesaremyfave · 08/11/2016 13:46

My eldest DS (12) started this year at the local comprehensive secondary school.

At first he was walking to school with a group of children (one of which he went to primary with) but now they all seem to take the bus and he's started to walk with our next door neighbours DS who is the year above. My DS has a bus pass and I give him money for the bus each day but he walks and spends it on junk food. I work FT so leave before him in the morning.

Since he started walking with just him, he's been late several times and 'lost' £15 dinner money. The school have made several comments about this child that they think he is a bad influence on my DS. The school must have reasons for saying this but obviously won't tell me why.

My DS has had a troubled past with his father who he no longer has contact with and I'm worried that he's looking up to this older boy and getting up to things he shouldn't. He's no angel (bullies his younger brothers) but up until Now he's always been extremely well behaved at school and wouldn't have done anything to get into trouble.

WIBU to stop my DS from 'hanging around' with this boy and how do I handle the situation? Obviously I don't want to upset our neighbours or this child as he's clearly been labelled as a bad egg and I don't know the background story. I don't trust my DS enough to make the right judgement as he's very easily influenced by older males

OP posts:
BratFarrarsPony · 08/11/2016 18:11

Do you think he might be smoking fags or weed on the way to school?
If he is arriving late and 'losing' 15 pounds at a time then this is possible.
Dont want to be a scaremonger - have just been through it all myself and it aint over yet.

summerainbow · 08/11/2016 18:15

I not asking you to hire someone . I asking you to spend time in morning with your son . Sometimes kids have to come 1st . Work has to come second .

summerainbow · 08/11/2016 18:16

Brats
That is what I thinking too .
And It won't stop with weed

SuburbanRhonda · 08/11/2016 18:17

summer

You really don't have a clue, do you?

JenLindleyShitMom · 08/11/2016 18:17

Sometimes kids have to come 1st . Work has to come second

I wonder if work will see it the same way?

"Hi boss, I can't start work until 10 o'clock from now on because my son has been late a couple of times"

"Oh no worries, we really only created this post to suit your schedule."

Hmm
Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 08/11/2016 18:19

I really don't think it's drugs or cigarettes. I would smell it on him and I'm certain school would notice. If anything I think he bought a load of junk food from the shop and also bought his friends stuff or gave the money away to buy friendship. There used to be a few of the old group in his room after school playing ex box when I got home and now he's always alone so I'm worried something has happened to stop them hanging out together.

Maybe I'm just naive though or a shit mum for going out and earning a living whilst my son shoots up heroin Hmm

OP posts:
Squeegle · 08/11/2016 18:23

It's very difficult I agree. My DS has been going round with a group who are bad influences- he is no angel either. But you can't stop 12 year olds making their own friends. You can try and encourage them to be their own person and not to get into trouble. My DS is being a bit better at the moment and not seeing so much of one particular lad, but I couldn't ban him - it just isn't within my control to watch him 24/7

Ahickiefromkinickie · 08/11/2016 18:23

Summer yes, do let us know what makes you so well placed to comment on OP's life? Are you a working single mum?

BratFarrarsPony · 08/11/2016 18:24

" Sometimes kids have to come 1st . Work has to come second "

yes try holding down a job and supporting the family with that attitude...Confused

Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 08/11/2016 18:24

Thanks Summer, I'll remember that next time my rent is due, or they shutoff our electricity for not paying the bills. Or even when I hand in my notice from my well paid career to sign on and then both myself and my son would fit the stereotype you clearly have in your head of 'parents like me'

I assume you either have a DH who works so you don't have to (or are financially stable enough to work part time) or you're a millionaire who gets your chauffeur to drive the DS to schoolHmm

OP posts:
Flatbox · 08/11/2016 18:46

OP you say you did things that you wouldn't have done without peer pressure but really that's part of growing up, learning what you are comfortable with and what you're not. It's about learning to set your own moral boundaries for yourself rather than blindly following what you may have been taught at home. We can't stop children doing this as they get older but sometimes we have to cope as they make bad choices, it isn't easy. its clear you're doing your best to support and parent him hence your post on here. You can't win as a single parent you'll either be judged as an absent parent or a benefit scrounger. Keep faith your your child and look for outside support if you need it.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 08/11/2016 18:49

It sounds like your son is generally well behaved and doing well at school so it's really just a few niggles that can be dealt with, Jaffa.

I do think he needs to expect a consequence for any reports of bad behaviour or lateness. At 12, you can still nip that sort of thing in the bud hopefully.

As the parent of teenage boys, I appreciate it's incredibly difficult sometimes. I have learnt that you can't pick their friends and it's impossible to police that anyway. All you can do is make it clear of what you expect from him r.e behaviour and conduct and treating others well.

It's also so important to keep communication open. It sounds as though your son does confide in you to an extent but make sure that he feels able to trust that you won't fly off the handle if he does tell you something.
It's possible that this boy is taking his money, or coercing him to spend it and he's embarrassed to say. A boy in the school year above may seem very grown up/cool and intimidating in your son's eyes.

Good luck, and don't beat yourself up about this. What with the onset of puberty and starting secondary, the teenage years can be a bit turbulent.
It's definitely given me some wrinkles Smile.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/11/2016 18:56

Well If you think it ok to leave for work before you kid go to school . You don't have a clue what he up to . Your choice.

Summer You seriously think that children of parents that would be at home are all sweetness and light?

I can tell you they aren't.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 08/11/2016 19:09

It might be an idea to suggest he invites a couple of his old mates over for a pizza, xbox or movie? That could be used as a sort of reward for not getting late marks for a week. It could also be an easy way to start a conversation with him about his friends (?)

summerainbow · 08/11/2016 20:25

Jaffa take you son to school that is all you have fucking have to . He getting to school late so you have take him.
It only going to get worst and you will taking loads of time off work.

Stop putting work 1st put your son 1st.

Whooptydoo1 · 08/11/2016 20:39

summer are on you fucking high?! How is the op supposed to get her 2 younger children to one school, her elder ds to another school and be able to financially support her family by working? I'm sure her children do come first, which is why she is working so she can like, you know, feed them and stuff

BratFarrarsPony · 08/11/2016 20:41

Summer, the boy is in secondary school and OP has to get to work, and get two younger children to school as well, as Whoopty has pointed out.

maybe you are in a situation where you dont have to 'put work first' but just try to imagine being a working single parent for a minute will you?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/11/2016 20:44

I take it you aren't in a position where you have to work summer

KayTee87 · 08/11/2016 20:59

Summer can you not read or something?

Op has to leave for work before her son leaves for school so she can keep a roof over her children's head.

Even if op quit her job she would have other children to take to a different school so her son would have to wait outside the school by himself for a while in potentially horrible weather or getting up to other mischief anyway.

Op it's a difficult age, you can only look out for your own kids. Do you know who your son hangs about with in school? Has he had a falling out with the boys his own age?

SusanneLinder · 08/11/2016 21:15

Always a perfect parent on here...eh?

JenLindleyShitMom · 08/11/2016 21:25

Do you work summer?

BabyGanoush · 08/11/2016 21:35

I don't think you can stopfriendships at this age.

I would try to talk more to DS, kerp the communication going, and maybe help him meet up with other friends.

I'd also ask the school more about the warning, what are they saying, really?! It's so vague!

Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 08/11/2016 21:40

The pizza night in as a reward is a good idea. He has some friends in his year that he's known his whole life as they went to nursery together but different primary schools so it would be to good to encourage these friendships.

I wish he would be more interested in after school activities and hoped he would sign up to a team once he started high school but he'd rather be at home on the Xbox. We spoke tonight and agreed to start playing badminton on a Saturday together and he can also join our council gym so one night a week I'm going to leave work early and take him. I'm hoping he might open up to me abit more during our one on one time.

Summer, I do 'fucking take my kids to school', I take my youngest DS's and I don't think 12 is too young to catch a school bus. Everyone I know who's child started high school this year allows their child to walk/catch the bus to school (even the ones who don't work)

I can't see how me asking how to distance my son from a particular child has escalated into me denying his responsibility for his actions (I don't), him taking drugs (he doesn't) and me being a bad mother for working (Confused). I am trying to teach him to be independent which ultimately is my role as his mother. To support him whilst he finds his feet in the world.

I have 3 Sons to get through teenagerdom so I'll have my fair share of wrinkles by the end!!

OP posts:
summerainbow · 08/11/2016 21:43

Her son is getting to school LATE. He obviously can't himself to school on time . So she has to take him. END OF.

summerainbow · 08/11/2016 21:44

Oh so you leave work early to take him somewhere you want him to go .

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