Disablism - At the risk of sounding horribly patronising, I'd like to apologise.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Firstly, I want to ask for forgiveness if I'm inadvertently insensitive here. I really, really don't mean any offence.

I know there have been a lot of threads on disablist behaviour and attitudes on here, particularly in the last few months (IMO).

The last time I posted on one, I upset people. I genuinely didn't mean to. I have a dn whom I love dearly who has, among other things, autism and LD.

I didn't mean to make it seem that, because I have peripheral experience, that I knew what I was talking about, though I do think, in hindsight, I came across that way.

I'll admit that sometimes I read threads that seem innocuous to me and posters will come on to say it's disablist and I've rolled my eyes and thought "here we go again." I fully admit to that, though I've never posted anything like that.

Well, I'm just here to say I'm sorry.

The more threads I read, the more I realise how bloody hard it is for people to see casual disablism all around them and have to fight just to not be insulted or discriminated against, or have their children suffer that same fate.

I saw something in a coffee shop this morning that literally had me in tears.

There's a special needs school near this coffee shop and the students often come in with their carers for a cuppa and a chat.

Today, one of the students was laughing and (forgive me if this is offensive) sort of shouting and squealing. She seemed to be thoroughly enjoying herself.

Some fucker complained loudly to the staff that he couldn't concentrate because of (and I'm not joking) "that lot" and pointed to the table where the students and carers sat.

I'm happy to report that the staff firmly told him if he didn't like it, he could leave. But my heart sank. And it got me thinking.

If I've been a part of that sort of isolation, even just on here, even just by my attitudes or misconceptions, then I'm truly sorry.

I felt sick to my stomach watching that horrible man and how he humiliated that girl and the people she was with.

I went over, and I hope I wasn't patronising, but I just said that he was an arsehole and that I hoped everyone was ok. I didn't want to sit and say nothing.

Anyway, I'm rambling.

PLEASE do not turn this into a bashing thread.

And please don't think I'm being goady.

But I'm genuinely upset at the thought of what people have to deal with and I just want to say, I will make every effort to be more sensitive. And I truly hope that people like that man disappear off the face of the planet.

to all you wonderful people who have to deal with this bullshit every day. I hope I never add to it.

I must be the exception, I swear I stare people down just waiting for their bs so I can use my perfected head tilt & aww poor you have you never been taught about hidden disabilities line or similar. Fucking pity anyone who faces off with me irl. I'm guessing that's why no one ever dares.

Walter - thank you so much.
Posts like this do make a big difference x

Thanks Waltermitty I felt I had always been compassionate and aware, but of course didn't have a real clue until things got so bad for us.

and of course no one will rent us a house either....

The tories have absolutely made disabilist socially acceptable

Kitkats, I didn't mean that you were ignorant and I'm not jumping on you, just that people making excuses saying I'm sure it's not just because they were disabled doesn't help as he may well have been and these people shouldn't have excuses made for them. What he did today was go out and display his disgust at a group of people with learning disabilities. I agree he's an intolerant twat :o but it's also aimed at a specific group of people.

I think places that are more tolerant tend to have a more diverse population, whatever the diversity. I recently took my daughter to Southwold and its the first time in ages we have had comments made and tutting. We may just have been unlucky but it hadn't happened in the areas nearby where there was a greater mix of people. I doubt it was people from Southwold either, just people visiting who want a perfect day out.

Kitkats, I apologise too, I should have been more careful how I worded my post. It's that time of day

I have not long complained to a retailer about stuff like this.

Unfortunately the member of staff which said the awful comment had her name badge on, I hope she was dealt with acccordingly.

They also sent me a £20 voucher for not slapping it all over social media bringing it to their attention.

It's shit that it still occurring in 2016 when you'd think people would be less ignorant.

A member of staff made a disablist comment and they offered you a voucher??

ChangingNamesAgain what would have helped me understand previously?

More information of which probably wasn't available at the time. I am talking about years ago where it was common place to say there was no such thing as ADHD but just naughty children and bad parenting.

Our attitudes to disabilities has come on leaps and bounds. It wasn't that long ago whereby children with disabilities would have been shoved into home and hidden from the outside world

You must be very old. Adhd was in dsm3 & under a different name in dsm2.

Our attitudes to disabilities has come on leaps and bounds

Yes in the main I agree with this but like tackling racism and sexism, tackling disabilism is a work in progress.

I suppose what I find about here on MN vs the real world is the fact that people openly say things they would not dream of saying in a conversation in real life and it can be really hurtful when to some of us it is personal. I know this can be said of many other things to but when there are some many additional asks in going through life as a person who is disabled or a carer for a disabled person it can seem like that straw on your camels back.

What do you call very old Changing?!!

Probably didn't explain it well. I don't recall any labels when I was at school.

There was a point later on when if someone said so and so has ADHD (can't remember what it was called back then) people wouldn't accept that there was some a thing and said that parents were using it as an excuse for bad behaviour.

I would like to think I am a nice person in general but mumsnet has certainly helped me understand more about what everyday life is like

Yes Walter.

I'm glad I told them, maybe now the staff member in question will learn not to be so bloody ignorant and downright offensive.

That is truly awful pass. I'm so glad you flagged it up. I have a feeling this sort of thing goes unchallenged way too often.

I have adhd. I often here about how it 'didn't exisit back in my day' etc but it's actually one of the oldest diagnosed developmenatal disorders and been accepted in the dsm for along time now and isn't at all new that's all.

Just on a positive note, I have found that most people are very compassionate and helpful. I've had people offer help many times (with my family and my kids, different disabilities).

There is the odd time people have been rude, or facilities practically difficult, but I've found it rare. I did find it helped to adopt a polite but clear approach though, e.g. If my child was being loud in a library - saying ssshh quiet, even when my child didn't quite understand as it at least showed others we were trying to be considerate, or let's not kick the seat, let's take your shoes off, I know you don't understand but see? Feet down... Just so the person in the seat in front of the aeroplane knew! Iyswm.

It's appalling how some people treat others. We all need particularly after Brexit and the US election now to come together with love and compassion for everyone however they are and however they are made. Tolerance and consideration.

I know many people aren't Christian but some bits of the Bible are just so right on these issues. I am always saying to the children if you could just remember in life always "be kind" particularly to those from whom you expect and need nothing you will do and be very good indeed.

Love Your Enemies

(Leviticus 24:17-23; Matthew 5:38-48)

27But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, 28Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. 29And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also. 30Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. 31And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. 32For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. 33And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. 34And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. 35But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. 36Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

Do Not Judge

(Matthew 7:1-6; Romans 14:1-12)

37Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: 38Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

39And he spake a parable unto them, Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch? 40The disciple is not above his master: but every one that is perfect shall be as his master. 41And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 42Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother's eye. "

My sister worked in as a physiotherapist in a special school. She was also a wheelchair user.

Her colleagues considered themselves as extremely knowledgeable about the problems faced by people with disabilities - after all, they were working in a special school. But whenever my dsis went out with her colleagues on work socials, they were invariably shocked by the problems she faced - the disabled loo down a flight of stairs, her being ignored when she tried to buy a round... It was never anything big, just tiny things that add up to a lot when you face it every day.

Matilda, there was a scope (?) campaign recently based on the yes I can superhuman advert, where a guy goes out and there are kerbs, steps, no disabled loo etc etc. I don't think people realise how difficult normal stuff is if you use a wheelchair. It irritates me that they put gutters by dropped kerbs (ffs) and the amount of times we've come out of a lift to be faced with steps!

I love the way OP framed the post to make themselves seem so holier-than-thou and perfect, like when white people make themselves seem like the "good whites" for not being racist. Disabled people (such as myself) don't care that you're not disablist, good for you, great, must be nice to be so morally superior. It just grinds my gears.

I have adhd. I often here about how it 'didn't exisit back in my day' etc but it's actually one of the oldest diagnosed developmenatal disorders and been accepted in the dsm for along time now and isn't at all new that's all.

I had to google what dsm is (I'm sorry). Many many years ago I would have been a child - maybe that is why I never heard. My understanding is also that diagnosis was difficult to get so people didn't come across it so often hence probably the 'wasn't around in my day'

Me ime it has been the conservotive christain right that have been the most disablist (and sexist & homophoBic)

I have several diagnosed disabilities (both physical and other), and am currently awaiting ASD assessment. I have one child with a diagnosis of ADHD and ASD. The other child is undergoing assessment at CAMHS.

Thank you Walter, we will change the world one person at a time.

Oh I'm so glad you're going to give trains a go, OwlLady. Was just coming on to say the same things as Songbird.

I've found my local railway staff are very good about making sure I'm looked after - they see it as one of the things they're there for.

Things do go wrong, though, eg you're travelling without having booked 24-hrs ahead, and the train is unexpectedly replaced by busses halfway through your journey, and the guard who knows you're on the train has gone off duty.

If you have a regular route, I'd suggest chatting up the staff and trying to get a direct phone number for your station. So if it all goes pear-shaped at 10 o'clock at night and you're left on a train that's unexpectedly terminated, or a platform where the lift is broken, you can at least let someone know you're there.

There are platform assistance buttons, but they sometimes seem to be to overseas call centres rather than to anyone actually on the station.