To feel very uncomfortable about this Guardian article?

[KingscoteStaff]

Front page of the 'Family' section. A grandfather talking about his 21 yo granddaughter who has just committed suicide.

It just doesn't feel real. Could it be some sort of exercise in writing the most unsympathetic narrator ever?

Well maybe she actually had a lot going for her and he's skewed it horribly. Or maybe he's still struggling to explain the whole thing (his list including bad seed was the list of explanations they'd been given none of which fully rang true - not his diagnosis).

In any case we all know that some people are really hard to help. Sometimes there's an MH angle to this. Lots of examples on this thread of exactly that.

People who have suffered with MH issues want to be understood and not written off as just needy/difficult etc. That's absolutely fair enough.

And I can fully recognise the black sheep narrative making it easier on the 'normal' ones and sheltering them from blame. And there has been lots of useful elucidation on this thread.

But there can still be really disturbed and horrible behaviours that aren't anyone else's doing and that are pretty awful to experience.

We simply don't know what the situation was here. Understandably people who've had MH issues that were not helped by uncaring family want to make sure their perspective is understood and people who have been in a caring family that's been damaged by someone's behaviour want to make sure that their perspective is understood too. That doesn't mean either is unfair or misrepresenting the situation. Both are surely honest accounts of different situations.

There is no such thing as 'normal'

But the fact is that some families are toxic and pass on their issues to their children until someone has the self awareness to change it. There ARE genuinely supportive families out there. Nobody is perfect but not every family is dysfunctional.

Yes I agree but there is no recognition that his feelings are just that - his feelings and not an accurate window on what was wrong with his granddaughter and why she was driven to take her own life.

Not only does he think his horribly judgemental view is accurate (he states it so strongly and so dogmatically, even theatrically that it's clear he believes it), he also wants the whole world to know it and agree with him. That's very different from telling, say, a close friend who you know understands your experience, in confidence, that xxx was actually a total cow. It's also very different from a professional writer who says 'here's my experience' He is not talking about his experience of his granddaughter. He's going further and saying this was his granddaughter.

He also has the nerve to mutter some platitude about it not being a good idea to remember someone in a one-sided, overly complimentary manner, and then launches what amounts to a national character accusation on a troubled child.

I am devoutly thankful he is not a member of my family and the most I can do in the way of charity towards him is to reflect that he has probably seen his own children suffer and not understood that his granddaughter did not cause that suffering.

The summing up in the last line is the cherry on the cake in terms of finishing off the portrait of this very young adult as a self-indulgent, cowardly toddler. He has decided she killed herself because she had spent her rent money. Like you do. Despite knowing that this is someone with a very complex mental health history whose suicidal act could not logically be boiled down to one event at all.

I also find it distasteful that he chooses to repeat her social worker's very unprofessional comment about her suicide amounting to a 'tantrum'; I get the impression he was rather pleased someone had said this and is pleased to have the opportunity to link her name with such a criticism forever more.

I wonder if he sought his daughter's approval before publishing this. I suspect he didn't. If he did and she agreed, I suspect he is the kind of man who engenders compliance and hates his granddaughter because she refused to give it. But I acknowledge that is speculation.

'Black sheep of a family' is a term I take issue with.

national character annihilation

Does anyone notice how he only mentions the girl's aunt in the piece. She is the one who goes with her to the uk.

He doesn't really talk about his daughter much - so perhaps that is a suggestion they don't speak. Not necessarily but possibly.

I mean his other daughter (who was Emma's mother)

Yes and he doesn't name the aunt. Apparently she gets some sort of respect and consideration that Emma doesn't deserve in his eyes.

Taking 20 paracetamol and going to A&E might possibly be classed as a tantrum. Throwing yourself of a multi story building is not a tantrum. It's deliberately killing your self.

Quite. I really have tried to look at this and see if there is any defence for how it is written or the fact it was published. But I don't think there is.

It's also quite strange that he's decided to do this three years after she died. To me this suggests something to do with a family dynamic going on there.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who found this article troubling. It seems to be written from the perspective of someone who doesn't understand mental illness and mental health issues at all. Even the title of the article, 'The girl who refused to let joy into her life', made it sound as though all Emma's unhappiness was the result of bad choices she made. Mental illness is ILLNESS ffs! You can't just decide to be joyful, that's the whole point. I'm not saying that people with mental illness have no agency and no responsibility for their own lives, but the grandfather never problematises the notion of agency at all.

I'm also troubled by the fact that he's revealed her identity. If he had used pseudonyms, it would be far less disturbing.

I found a website where her family have started a fund in her name to help others with eating disorders. I hope it's appropriate to post the link here (if not, MN, feel free to delete) because her family, unlike the grandfather, describe her in a very positive way, and because the site is a public website.

kylafoxcentre.com/the-emma-fund/#

I have an inkling that her immediate family members would not want her to be remembered in the way her grandfather has portrayed her.

It's a term I used as it is often used to describe the person that for whatever reason is the one that's the outsider or different from the family

I am sorry you take issue with it

And yes of course not all families are dysfunctional but it doesn't stop mh being an issue within the family and then that can at times change they whole family dynamic

I don't know if anyone has seen the film 'Girl Interrupted' which is based on a true story (set in the 60s) The main character takes an overdose and her parents decide a psychiatric institution is the best place for her.

Before she leaves, the doctor says to her 'you're hurting everyone around you'. Her parents are more concerned about what their friends will think than about her wellbeing, it seems.

And this kind of reminds me of how this poor girl was regarded. As someone whose brought 'nothing but trouble' on her family. That's the attitude I guess.

If you label someone as an outsider, how exactly is that supposed to help anyone?

marfisa I just double checked - that fund isn't mentioned at the end of the article at all.

There is no mention of Canadian support for MH/eating disorders (unless Canada is covered by the US number?).

The article and the description of the fund are quite different. It does feel a little like he is having a very public tantrum about something.

Marfisa - how interesting. I think you may be right about that.

As I observed - there seems to be evidence that this man didn't see Emma's immediate family very much, only his other daughter her aunt. Together with the fact that it has been published so long after the event, you have to wonder what his motivation was.

I doubt it would help anyone but it is done

Exactly Batteries! The spirit of his article is very different to the spirit of the fund page.

'They too believe that the best chance for recovery lies in a humanist, empathetic approach. Kyla’s philosophy reflects just that.'

A very, very different perspective from her immediate family.

His article, I mean

Yes lottie, I think the grandfather could use a wee dose of humanism and empathy.

There's obviously a huge backstory here that we're not privy to.

Im really curious about why this article was published now. I was ok with it until finding out that he used real names. I just hope that although the article is awful he actually behaved ok in real life.
A previous poster mentioned that he was 80, it almost makes you wonder f he has other issues going on.

It certainly does.

Thank you for posting that link. I'm posting this description of her as a fitting tribute by those who actually knew her well, and as a counterbalance to the awful article:

Emma was a vibrant, clever, funny and talented young woman who struggled with eating disorders from the age of fifteen. A rebel to her core, Emma was a strong advocate for dignity, respect, creative expression and privacy in recovery.

The contrast between that page and the grandfather's article is truly shocking and certainly makes it look like his decision to identify her didn't take the family's feelings into account.