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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this taking the piss?

98 replies

Bluegreyblue55 · 04/11/2016 21:21

Name changed so not to out myself!

I'm a project manager, been working on a project for 18months, tight timescales and pressure, public sector.

Have a small team of staff who mainly aren't the greatest team players but are nice people - just not used to working in groups.

I've worked my bollocks off, I mean really worked hard, late nights, weekends, ruined evenings stressing about work etc and I've shielded them from the worst of the pressure always jolly and positive , fair boss.

Took them all out for Xmas last year at my own cost,always buy cakes coffees etc, we delivered our first phase of the project recently and so all good news, I gave each of them a gift and card and took them all out for a meal again at my own cost- drinks food etc.

Even the senior people on the team ( clinicians) I've bought gifts for to thank them for their help etc.

I've had nothing, not a card, not a coffee, flowers nothing at all, I am a generous person and I haven't given these things to recieve anything back but it's actually pissing me off now.

They have seen how hard I have worked and to not even give me a card I think is awful- AIBU?

OP posts:

pensivepolly · 04/11/2016 22:24

IME the gift-giving and other gestures go in one direction only (and I've been in both positions): from the supervisor to the employees. Also, you obviously had expectations ("I just thought that the four of them could get me something between them!"). I think it's always better to give gifts etc without expecting anything in return - that way you won't be disappointed. Finally: as other posters have suggested, is it possible that your staff think you have a budget for these things, and have no idea you are paying for them yourself?

RortyCrankle · 04/11/2016 22:26

I'm sorry but I think your expectations of a card/gift for completing the project is very strange. All the years I worked I never heard of anyone being upset because they didn't get a card for completing their work for which they are presumably paid.

Original poster

Bluegreyblue55 · 04/11/2016 22:27

Wow, I didnt realise people would get so angry about this, I've learnt my lesson and won't purchase any gifts for the team again sod them!

I don't want to clutter up their houses with my thank you cards or expect them to chip in 50p each to get me a card lol

Seriously I take on board all your comments and will think about my future approach to how I reward my team!

OP posts:

ClashCityRocker · 04/11/2016 22:27

A card? Are we supposed to give people cards for doing their jobs now? Crikey, I can barely be arsed with cards on birthdays!

Op, you sound like a lovely boss. I think you have probably been over-generous maybe. I wouldn't give my boss a card, though. It simply wouldn't cross my mind.

I could also see it causing problems in the office - feelings of obligation, who's organising it, this project was good but not great, shall we get a card, oh I didn't get a card, am I doing a bad job....it will quickly descend into a passive-aggressive grading system based upon the size, gushiness and number of signatures on the card.

WickedLazy · 04/11/2016 22:28

Who's angry?

Original poster

Bluegreyblue55 · 04/11/2016 22:31

Quite a few comments are quite forceful shall we say lol I didn't think people would feel so strongly!

I'm going to have a rethink! :-)

OP posts:

MakeMyWineADouble · 04/11/2016 22:34

Are you sure they know it's all come from you? I have been in the NHS for a long time it's only recently I learnt my Christmas bonus (a bottle of wine) came from the lead dr not the trust I honestly had no idea till some one out and out said it I now feel bad no one has ever done anything for them in return!

BadLad · 04/11/2016 22:35

Before I had my own business I would live to have had a boss like you.

However, I still wouldn't have given you anything. I would assume that your having been made the boss and the larger pay packet that came with that was reward enough for meeting your target.

Also, I took the view that I was at work to get money, not spend it. I hated spending money on anything work-related. Now I want to have happy staff, so I pay for Christmas parties, and some snacks and drinks in the office, but when I was an employee I begrudged every penny spent in the working day.

nousernames · 04/11/2016 22:36

If it's any consolation, I really really resent spending any money at all on work (work lunches, work collections, supplies for work) because I feel that work is where I earn my money so I can use it to spend on other more enjoyable aspects of my life (holidays, clothes, social life)
DH spends a fortune on work lottery syndicates, birthday collections, Friday takeaway with his team etc and it drives me mad but them I am a miserable sod compared to him.
What I'm trying to say is I wouldn't buy my boss a coffee or whatever for doing their job because they get paid to do it anyway & I wouldn't want to spend my money on someone who isn't myself, a good friend or a very close relative.

Macaroni22 · 04/11/2016 22:42

You sound like a lovely boss and I'm sure it is appreciated by your team. However I would never even think to give my boss a card or gift for their work as it would seem almost patronising? Obviously you've already proven you are the best in your team to be manager. Recognition should be more expected from your superiors?
Also if my boss paid for a xmas meal out I would assume it was paid for by the company.

UterusUterusGhali · 04/11/2016 22:45

You sound lovely, and I've no doubt they will be better employees for your input.

However, if they are quite junior they won't think that's expected of them. It certainly sounds unlike any NHS dept I've ever heard of! It isn't work culture to brown-nose the boss, generally.

Look at it this way, when they are in your position in x number of years, they will treat their juniors nicely. :)

FledglingFTB · 04/11/2016 22:46

I had a boss who did this, she was absolutely lovely. However, the whole team got a hand creme. Odd. Actually felt patronising more than anything else

VladmirsPoutine · 04/11/2016 22:55

Yanbu. But that said, nothing ever came from being a martyr so YAB-slightly-U.
You had a vested interest in this thus didn't let the ship sink. More power to your elbow but don't expect thanks for this. The rest of them probably just thought you were doing your job considering you shielded them from the shitstorm, so they have no idea.

m0therofdragons · 04/11/2016 22:58

I would find it very odd to give my manager or director a card/gift other than their birthday. You've worked hard but you've done a job you are being paid to do!

SmilingButClueless · 04/11/2016 23:01

I have worked for a number of different organisations, and can honestly say that - to the best of my knowledge - neither I nor my colleagues have ever given a card or gift to the boss to say thank you.

In the days when we still gave Christmas cards, the boss would be included. If they had a life event (baby, wedding, sometimes significant birthday) there might be a card and/or collection.

But other than that, no. And unless they were leaving, it would seem quite weird for me to give the boss a present or card regardless of what they've done for me.

YellowLambBanana · 04/11/2016 23:13

Crikey - I work in project management and have to say it would never cross my mind to buy my manager a card for hitting a target - nor would my team do it for me!

Don't want to sound harsh but it's just a job. Yes on projects your fortunate to see the end result of delivering something which feels good to be part of, and sometimes you have to go over and above or work longer hours to get something done - but that's all part of the job. A sincere thank you is all that's needed mostly to recognise the efforts of a team, and sometimes a meal or a night out at the end if it's been a big project.

I buy my team wine at Christmas, Easter eggs, a round of drinks if we go for a meal - and I do not expect anything back. This is my way of saying thank you to them for continued hard work. Sometimes they get me a bunch of flowers at Christmas - which is lovely but not expected.

It sounds like you have over invested in buying them so many gifts and cards, and even though you say you don't expect anything you obviously do.

Original poster

Bluegreyblue55 · 04/11/2016 23:48

This is a huge project 3m which for the NHS is a lot of money, I know its my job however Ive never even had a real thank you and not even a coffee!

We are are very small team and due to lack of resource I've had to do
Two of the work steams as well as project and programme management, Im an expert in this field and my team were on a steep learning curve.

In all the projects I've worked on when we successfully deliver we have always had a whip round for the PM even just a pound each- I think this must be unusual :-)

OP posts:

NameSux · 05/11/2016 00:00

Hi. Registered (finally after lurking since Xmas) to respond. As a UAT lead not even on your project allow me to extend my thanks. Coffees, cakes, dinner and gift card is my idea of heaven. You are now my second fave project manager, only topped by my senpai who taught me everything I know today plus provided coffee, cake and Shots! I bought her flowers when i left and miss her to this day. I'm sorry your team are dicks, a good project manager is worth their weight in gold and you sound like a goodum (for shielding them from the crappy shite not the bribery/reward)

Costacoffeeplease · 05/11/2016 00:04

I really don't see why you'd expect a card or gift from the other members of the team. You do what you want, but don't expect anything in return, that would be weird

NameSux · 05/11/2016 00:08

Can you tell I'm drunk? I can on rereading my post! I missed out the most important parts by trying to be lighthearted. I've had good PMs & bad over the years and a considerate PM who shields staff from the bull crap and encourages/enables the team to get the job done then follows it up with small nice things is a dream. At the very least I'd have been sending a mail to stakeholders thanking you for support

m0therofdragons · 05/11/2016 08:50

I work in the NHS on an 8m project and might get a thank you from the director but not the team below. I've never known someone praise their boss unless they're brown nosing.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/11/2016 09:07

I find it quite patronising when my principal ( lm a teacher) brings in sweets to reward us for doing our job. I'm happy to do my job, lm totally motivated myself and l feel like one of the children getting sweets. Words do encourage me far more as l like some positive feedback now and then done in a sincere way.
However when we had a big inspection, usually held every 10 years our principal gave us all a book token and l was thrilled as it was a surprise and very unexpected. It would never have occurred to me to buy my principal a present in return.
Either do it with a good heart or don't do it at all. And to be honest l would cut back if l were you.

Giselaw · 05/11/2016 09:21

"I've never known someone praise their boss unless they're brown nosing."

Same here.

I hope you've hidden your disappointment well because if I was on your team, I'd now think you're passive aggressive and that "yay team" attitude would be viewed with scepticism.

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