Is this taking the piss?

[Bluegreyblue55]

Name changed so not to out myself!

I'm a project manager, been working on a project for 18months, tight timescales and pressure, public sector.

Have a small team of staff who mainly aren't the greatest team players but are nice people - just not used to working in groups.

I've worked my bollocks off, I mean really worked hard, late nights, weekends, ruined evenings stressing about work etc and I've shielded them from the worst of the pressure always jolly and positive , fair boss.

Took them all out for Xmas last year at my own cost,always buy cakes coffees etc, we delivered our first phase of the project recently and so all good news, I gave each of them a gift and card and took them all out for a meal again at my own cost- drinks food etc.

Even the senior people on the team ( clinicians) I've bought gifts for to thank them for their help etc.

I've had nothing, not a card, not a coffee, flowers nothing at all, I am a generous person and I haven't given these things to recieve anything back but it's actually pissing me off now.

They have seen how hard I have worked and to not even give me a card I think is awful- AIBU?

As the NHS are employers paid for very little like that so if I didn't pay for the team it wouldn't have happened and they deserved it

I have worked in my current post for eight years and my line manager has never even bought me a coffee - also public sector (teaching). If he ever said "you're doing a great job, thanks", I would probably drop dead with shock. You sound lovely, OP.

I'm not into the card, present, flowers buying thing that some people subscribe to.

If my manger buys me something, dinner, bottle of wine etc. I accept graciously but I would not return the favour. Ever. It would feel wrong.

Thank you Judy that means a lot!

I think people forget sometimes that bosses are human too I have feelings!

Not being funny, but you're the "boss" in this scenario. The top bod. It's very nice of you to give out the gifts, and I'm 100% sure that they appreciate that you have appreciated their input and efforts; but why on earth would you think that they would reciprocate? that's just not normal!

Bosses are the ones who organise, who order people around (nicely or not), who take the decisions, who take the fall - the workers (team) are the ones who do the grunt work. They don't need to appreciate your hard, long hours - that's for the recipients of the project to do. Appreciation comes from the top down, not the other way, IME.

When I worked in the NHS as a lowly lab scientist, we got Christmas appreciation stuff like a tub of chocs (large one) to be shared between us all from the lab boss; we didn't get them one. We got vouchers or whatever from the hospital bosses; we didn't get them one.

I hope I'm not being mean here, it's just the way it usually works IME!

You sound like a great manager who values their people and appreciates their efforts. It is great to work for this kind of person, my current manager is like this. I think it lifts team morale and makes work a good place to go to.
Our current manager cooks us Thanksgiving lunch (he is American) and makes us personalised gifts for Christmas. He invites us to his house for team parties a couple of times per year. I really appreciate him.
However, it has never occurred to me to buy him a card or a present in return. It is just not how the dynamic works. I don't think he expects it either. I think his reward is the great team culture that he has created.

Yeah, understandable but you're looking for appreciation in the wrong quarter - you should be looking to the people who commissioned the project to appreciate you. Not your subordinates.

Yes well I didn't get anything from my boss either so no luck there!

I don't expect a big present but a little card would have been nice

If you are looking for thanks and recognition (and it sounds like you deserve it) you should expect it from your bosses ( or project stakeholders) rather than your team.

Yes I understand - I think I'm going to have to just let this go and learn from it

X post!

Sorry that you're feeling unappreciated, really I am - but you really need to adjust your expectations here, not be sad that other people below you haven't reciprocated. You're not their friend, you're their boss (lovely though you sound, and you really do).

Sorry, but in the kindest possible way, I also think YABU.

I have been in similar work situations & as the expert in my own field leading a team to get a high pressure job done & needing everyone to go the extra mile. Many times I have bought various treats as an incentive/thank you.

Never have I thought I would get anything back from the rest of the staff, boss maybe, but not the team, that would be odd really.

You have pushed yourself hard & do sound rather exhausted & perhaps overly emotional though & maybe thats where this is coming from.

Maybe you need to be treating yourself too - thats what I would have done - you deserve it, definitely, but you cant expect the other team members, who as none experts, effectively work under you to provide you with any extra perks - sorry

Maybe they feel if they reciprocate once they'll have to reciprocate every time you buy them something (which seems a lot) and they can't afford that so don't want to start making exchanging things a thing IYSWIM.

In my work I just wait until crimbo and put a box of celebrations in the break room and let people share; I don't get involved with the whole giving individual gifts thing because I couldn't afford it, and even if I could at one time I probably couldn't later down the line so don't want anyone to expect that of me.

It might be a "massive achievement" to you, but to them it's probably just a job. Y'know - turn up, do your bit, meet your objectives, possibly exceed a couple, work a bit over if absolutely necessary, go home, get paid each month.

So to them they'd be rewarding you not for a "massive achievement", but for turning up and doing your job. And nobody with an ounce of self awareness is going to do that to the manager of a team!

Also, some people are not card people! I find it weird and ephemeral, would prefer a nice thoughtful email (and the three quid it costs these days to buy and send a card into my Amazon account, ten "cards" and I could get a few books!) Probably just me... Do they express their appreciation in other ways?

Welcome to project management :o

To be honest I don't think the hours/work you described are anything unusual for a PM. I have worked in transformation and have regularly worked 12-20 hour days to fulfil a delivery date. It is likely that your colleagues even expect that from you as a minimum.

Also are you a contractor/consultant? They will often get short changed when it comes to gifts etc. It comes as part and parcel of the job.

Do they know you paid for it with your own money? Maybe they assume it's paid by the organisation's budget. I probably would in their place, as I'd never ever expect a boss to give me presenters they oaid for themselves, apart from a leaving present or when I gave birth and I know all colleagues chip in for a gift from their own pocket. In the general course of work I'd never expect that.

Even if they know, I think ehat you're doing for your team is uneccessary. They may even see it as a way to try to push them to work harder by 'bribing' them.
Please don't take that the wrong way, can see you're not at all thinking like that and just being a nice person, but to many people a job is just a job and brute not into going he extra thousand miles. I think what you're already doing by being a fair boss and shielding the team from the worst stress is the far more important part than meals out and gifts. Personally I don't care about such things and even find socialising with colleagues an annoying inconvenience, given I have a small child and would always rather spend time with my family. To me the most important thing Is that my boss respects me, listens to my opinions and makes sure that my work load isn't too light or too heavy, and just generally is a fair person. Focus on just being a good boss and good at your job and stop worrying about extra niceties.

"I suppose I think it's good manners if someone has been supportive and understanding and recognised your hard work, to say thank you in some way, a card, coffee, Kikat anything"

What's wrong with them just saying thank you? Is that not enough?

"I've regularly treated those I manage - drinks or a small gift at Christmas - from my own pocket. I do this to show they are valued. I would never expect anything back from them. That's not how it works."

You're contradicting yourself again.

Agree with others, you have unreasonable expectations. You can't buy others gifts, unprompted, then get arsey when they don't reciprocate.

Rock you are probably right I'm given my all to this, anyone who works in the NHS knows how little resources there are and you are still expected to deliver.

It's been a tough time and I suppose I am feeling a bit over tired and unappreciated really lol

I have actually bought my boss a token gift at Christmas on occasion, just to recognise their support in helping me and my teams achieve our objectives.

I wouldn't stop doing what you're doing - maybe just scale it back a bit and focus more on recognising good work by thanking people or saying well done. That's just as effective in motivating people 🙂

Would you still treat them to motivate them if they were shit and hadn't made the deadline?

no, getting a card for meeting targets is not for the team to do for you.

these things go down, not up. you should be being rewarded by your management.

when I was a junior team member I simply did not have the money to buy little gifts for people who had more money than me. I would literally scrimp and save for my nights out and avoid buying very small things because it would throw my budget out. Therefore, a box of doughnuts that cost £1 for 6 was a really big deal and very much appreciated by the team, because we just didn't have many treats or much fun.

On the other hand, a manager would probably need at least a £10 bottle of wine to feel that they had something worth having. And I just didn't have it. that was my mum's birthday present.

I assumed that they were well rewarded for presenting all our work to senior management with their names on it. And if they weren't, they shoudl have taken it up with management, not with us.

The doughnuts and coffees were to make us feel happy -> work well -> make them look good. we don't need to pay them back for them. they were already to their advantage.

If you don't understand this, or don't think your "gifts" were to your advantage, stop doing it. and don't ask people on low incomes to feel they have to cough up money for work, which is where they should be taking home money from.

Hmmm sounds like a situation my SIL had at work. She's the type of woman who really likes to be shown appreciation with cards, gifts, outings, etc rather than just simple or subtle words or actions of gratitude. She thought her team were very rude and unappreciative, but in fact they thought she was awesome but never thought to show it physically with a card or gift.

SIL thought our family was standoffish and cold because we didn't send her get well soon cards when she had an operation - it just isn't something we would automatically think to do! It wasn't that we didn't care! We now send her cards....often. She's an amazing woman (seriously, super Mum and career woman in one) it's just a little quirk.

Perhaps you were raised in the same way as my SIL? SIL's Mum sends handmade cards for everything (I.e. Congratulations on running your 10K, you looked beautiful last week at the ball, etc) and therefore SIL has learned to expect such things.

For perspective: I would never think to buy my boss a gift or card for doing their job... I would find it highly inappropriate. Christmas or birthday to let them know you appreciate their support? Sure! Otherwise? No.