AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

Also, while I am here...I can give a little bit of insight into people like that...my Mum died after a year long battle with cancer. My Dad had a secretary who my Mum couldn't stand. However, after my Mum died, my Dad relied on her far too much and despite being married, she was in there at every opportunity much to my disgust. I was off with her and made my feelings clear. She was basically after my Dad. Anyway, after several years, my Dad met a very special lady who he fell in love with. The secretary, by now a bloody pain in the proverbial arse, made my Dad's partner very very uncomfortable...very similar to this actually. In the end my Dad's partner said to my Dad, "if you don't get rid of her, we are over, I will not play her silly games". He did. Much to my surprise. My Dad and partner have now been married for over a decade and she's been a smashing Stepmum! She too no shit...and neither should you! x

took no shit..sorry

I think you are right - she thinks of your DP as somehow "belonging" to her, as a spare male or something.

My first boyfriend was in this situation with a girl I was supposedly friends with - while she "allowed" me to go out with him, she still expected him to dance attendance on her whenever she needed him, because she'd known him first. This despite her having her own boyfriend, btw - but he didn't drive yet, didn't have the cash that mine did etc.

The result was inevitable really - I wasn't prepared to share, she thought I was selfish wanting him all to myself (really? if she hadn't tried to share him as a boyfriend I'd have been fine with them still being friends!) and we fell out.

In your case, I think it's similar - she's just used to having your DP available to her, and now that he's marrying you, it's not going to be the same. You're always going to be a barrier to him now.

Yes you should be able to only have the people you want at your wedding, and yes I'd be seriously inclined to disinvite her - but as you realise, the repercussions could be huge. So instead, I'd consider suggesting to your DP that he writes something into his speech about how he's so happy to finally have found someone to spend his life and time with, and he'll always have time for his friends, but won't be quite so available to them now he has his own family.

And ask him to brush her off when she touches him - that's such a possessive move! Really showing her "dominance" in the situation.

Even humorous comments along the lines of "sorry ladies, he's all mine now, not available for sharing!" might not go amiss, since she's already being awful.

I would also seat her on a table away from her friends with people she doesn't know, if possible - that way she won't be tempted to pass comments all the time. She's being quite overt about things now, I wouldn't put it past her to be snidey through the speeches so people laugh at the wrong points etc.

Sounds like a good conclusion op.

Thanks MrsC. Your enthusiasm for my wedding is infectious and I will stop muttering about bloody weddings bringing out the worst in some people and how we should have eloped, and start looking forward to it again.

Curbside Thanks v much

ChasedbyBees That look like a very interesting link, thanks. I've bookmarked it for some bedtime reading.

Think you're handling it well.
Chat to dp and see what he thinks. You'll gauge from him what's right to do.
Hope the wedding goes smoothly with or without her there.

BlackNo1 I see what you're saying about it lookin like she thinks she married the wrong guy. But I've been thinking about it and I reckon she thought she was getting a kind of 2-for-1 deal with my DP along with hers. But yes, her calling me over sensitive was particularly galling. I do have areas in which in sensitive - don't we all? - but I bent over backwards to get on with her and she is not willing to reciprocate.

saffron I will visualise introducing her as bitch face at my wedding, if she comes.

Sounds like a good decision, Somerville. I lurked on your first thread, which was utterly lovely and heartwarming, and it's so good to know you're getting married. Congratulations!

Im on the fence about whether to disinvite or not.

I would suggest if you / DF do decide to disinvite, you explain that you want everyone at your wedding to be happy for you both, and as she so clearly has an issue with your relationship (note, not you, your joint relationship) that it would be better if she didn't come.

If she ever mentions the pet name thing again, you could suppress a smirk and say that actually you both have a pet name for her. .

Have they RSVP'd yet?

I like the suggestion of cuntyMcCuntface. I think you should adopt it. CMCF for short and when in front of small children.

LHReturns
God, that made me a bit teary.

Thank you for speaking a lot of sense and for putting it so beautifully.

I genuinely hope she gets over her bitterness or whatever it is. It's no way to live.

Maybe I'm overthinking though. I do that.

But less of the GOBBLING though, eh? Makes me sound well greedy.

harrypottersmagicwand and thumbwitch thanks, really helpful to hear about similar kind of people and how you've dealt with them.

Beryl I believe they have RSVPed but I am not the keeper of the list - DP's doing all the boring stuff admin bits and pieces for the wedding.

Can you appoint someone or several people you trust to babysit her on the day, get them to drag her away from photos where possible or just stand in front of her, keep her talking so she doesn't get as much airtime, call her out if she's close to the line and, if necessary, accidentally spill their drink over her so she has to go home and change? Is it possible to get your gang to kettle her (i.e. surround her so it's hard for her to get out and spread her evil). If people got to take turns so they still got the chance to have fun, it might be a fun challenge to try to frustrate her as much as possible. Still horrible for you though. Hope you can at least get DP to understand how unpleasant this is for you.

If you're counting votes then add me to the don't uninvite pile.

As lots of PP have said - you shouldn't have to tolerate any shit on your big day and you shouldn't have to put up with her snarky jealousy on any day big or small. But uninviting Bitchface would make a far bigger pile of poo to deal with surrounding your wedding than rising above and ignoring.

Can you imagine how Bitchface would revel in being univited and telling all your dp's friends just how insecure Somerville is? Oh she'd spin a great drama and her poor loyal dh would be terribly hurt and feel that he had to choose between his poor snubbed dw and his old friend. The wider group of friends would get pulled into the fray and you, the newcomer would be painted as the unhinged bridezilla.

Invite Bichface to your wedding and you wont even notice her, you'll be so busy with your much loved family and real friends. Don't invite her and she'll make her absence much more felt than her presence ever could be.

Somerville I am so excited about your wedding after being on your other thread under another name so I'm sorry, but un invite! Nothing should take away from your lovely fairytale xxx

Yes Bitchface needs to feel that she is under your skin. The more united and calm you and DP are, the more unhinged she will appear. I think you have to have her there, your friends form a full court press and guard you from her with tinkly laughs and you and DP float on the cloud of happiness you so richly deserve.

I've recounted and it's definitely now swinging towards not uninviting.

And yes I agree with you about how she'll spin it if he asks her not to come, haffdonga.

I don't want her there but I do want DP to have everyone there who he cares about and he does care about her family.

Have shot through thread and looked at several responses and all OP responses.

It's your and your husband to be's day, when all is said and done.

And she does sound like she's not progressed much past sixth form when it comes to emotional relationships.

I'd dis invite using some of the more tactful methods mentioned up-thread - but if it was me I really really wouldn't want her there and 100% support you.

I think you should uninvite her. Better to have the trouble now rather than on the day.

I'd write her a message saying that you'd been reluctant to invite her in the first place because of how rude she is to you but that because her husband's a great friend, you thought you should and so you did. However her behaviour has been so awful (quote the anecdote at the hen night and anything else you can think of) that you know she will ruin the day for both of you, so you're taking back the invitation.

Having calmed from the utter delight and excitement of your wedding (squeals a bit...so so so so lovely!)...I think you should probably also just go with it. Don't give her the satisfaction. I imagine the repercussions of uninviting could be pretty awful in the long term. She's jealous, she's got an issue...he loves you, he's marrying you. She can sit there with her thin lipped sarcasm and you can smile and say "he's mine", even if only to yourself. Have a few responses prepared,, you know her form now and how she is likely to behave. I would hope she'd be decent on your day and not be such a cow. Also, remember if she is, and openly, others won't appreciate it because it will be wholly inappropriate...and she will sound like a nasty, bitter cow. Forget her, concentrate on your day...which will be magical

I vote for uninviting her.

My dp had someone similar in his life, a friend that he had in the past had a casual relationship with. No worries at all about them being too close etc, but she found ways to mention their history all the time, to the point of making things up and saying he was her first. Which was a blatent lie. Dp had told me their history long before she mentioned it, as he knew what she was like.

In the end I decided life was too short, stopped humoring her, pulled her up on her behaviour (she tried denying it until i listed off about 6 examples, nd told her I had witnesses to her behaviour.) I told her that we had mutual friends so would need to be civil, but that we were not, md never would be, friends.

She took the major huff that I got the upper hand and tried to demand that the girls of the group stopped inviting me out etc. They stopped inviting her out.

Turns out in the past they had put up with her for the sake of an easy life but after i pulled her up on it they found they couldnt argue or deny anything that I said.

Sorry, missed the part where I actually advised... It might be worth pulling her up on it in a similar way. Enough examples will stop her being able to tell you shes having a laugh. And you might find that the others will agree with you...

Late to the party as always, but just wanted to say , you sound lovely, and if one of my dear male friends was lucky enough to marry you, I'd be thrilled. There's nowt so queer as folk.....