AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

Uninvite. She will ruin your wedding day with her inappropriate behaviour and comments. I actually think that you and dh should avoid her as much as possible, even at the cost of the friendship with the usher, but worry about that later, for now, do yourself a big favour and uninvite her.

You would be entirely reasonable to disinvite her, but I think it has too much potential for bad consequences, and drama, among your DP's friends to be worth it.

The person would needs to deal with her is your DP. He needs to tell her really firmly that discussing his sex life is not acceptable, and in future he needs to be distant with her and ostentatiously loved up with you.

Also, I think she is taking up too much of your head space - you doesn't like you because she's possessive of your DP, not because of anything you are or do.

You have to invite her!

You get to make a speech at the wedding though!!! "I know I am so lucky to have met Jimmy (Somerville) he is great.
I wouldn't blame anyone for being jealous, (pause) stare directly at her, then point at her, you there, yes,YOU at he back with the puce face, stand up there you big tomato, he's all mine now you jealous fucker."

Something like that?

And to you too, Somerville - I feel really cross on your behalf that you are having to put up with this. What kind of a bitch treats someone who has been widowed like this?

But, TBH I'm slightly relieved to hear that there is a downside to your DF, even if it is only that his good friends wife is hideous. He was beginning to sound far too wonderful.

Lucky

Oh YES! 3lucky, something just like that

Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding!! I'd be tempted to ask her in front of an audience why she's sooooo interested in your DP sex life? Offer to buy her the karma sutra if she's stick for ideas/anecdotes - ok I'm a bit evil! I'm sure her DH will be impressed - not. She sounds vile but by having her at the wedding you are letting her know that you are in charge. She's 'just a guest' and only there because of your DP. You may find that a number of people feel the same system you do. Wishing you every happiness for the future.

Sorry!! Typos everywhere

Maybe you should meet her and her other half and ask her outright "is it because I'm a widow?"

As said before, rise above this, invite her, by not inviting her you invite trouble and discussion, that you don't need,

Yes she has problems, but don't make them yours by uninviting her, make her the irrelevance she is and rise above it.

Maybe invite her and introduce her to your own friends at the wedding with an obvious eye roll . Oh this is bitchface, I told you about her.

If her DH is the usher can he be on top table next to a bridesmaid and stick her all on her own on a pre-prepared table of your friends. They do all the putting her back in her place, she leaves early but after her DH has done the ushing win win!

Somerville, one more thing. Now I know what people re talking about (TAAT) etc: you and your DP moved appeared to move fast to this point. While anyone normal would thing this was wonderful, this is ESPECIALLY galling for an envious woman who perhaps has always had an unofficial crush on your fiancé.

Here she was with her (lovely) single man to wheel out for her single friends, to make her feel special and interesting, who she could shriek with laughter with in the kitchen, share private jokes with, be overly physical with - and it was always above board because he is close friends with her DH.

And then YOU come along - all vulnerable and cautious and GOBBLE him up in a few months!! How romantic!! How IN LOVE he must be!!! How SMITTEN he must be!! You didn't just start dating her special friend, no no, in one swoop you swept him off the table and he fell so crazy in love with you that within months he knew he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. All other female friends in his life suddenly are less needed.

I bet this contributes to her bitterness. It somehow makes you all woman, and a greater woman than she.

I love that she has to see all this. The more I think the more I think uninviting her should be your absolute last resort. YOU have the man - the man who couldn't wait more than a few months to make his vows to you. I think it is a wonderful love story.

I would still invite her, if you uninvited her it'd be oxygen to her flames, giving her what she craves, the perfect opportunity to be centre of attention with your circle of friends. "Oh poor me, I don't know what I've done wrong, I mean I was just having a joke"
However I would forewarn trusted members of my family or close friends about her and ask them to head her off at the pass so to speak.

Gosh, I remember your other thread, Somer. So happy you are now getting married, apart from the minor pain of this arse of woman.

LHreturns sums it up perfectly, You need to invite her. It's you he loves and she needs to see this.

Op please don't invite her I made the mistake of inviting my moh DH he is a prized prick at the best of times but I later found out he head high on cocacine and spoke to my DB asking if he was the drug addict brother( my older brother had a drug problem about 12years ago but has been clean during this time) thankfully I only found out after the wedding but I was beyond furious. I don't even acknowledge the bastard now. She will be determined to spoil it, don't let her ruin you're day

If ignoring her isn't working, I think you need to outright confront it. When she does the stupid name thing and the little digs, turn around and say "what exactly is your problem with me, and don't pretend you don't know what I mean because we both know you do" hopefully with an audience. It may shut her up and she may be taking your silence as a reason to carry on and ramp it up as she knows you won't say anything.

Not the same situation but there is a mum at school who I am fairly sure doesn't like my child. She also seems to be pretty jealous of everyone and makes comments to me that really piss me off. Usually regarding my child but not always, they are quite bitchy and I'd never say these things to other people. I ignore it and say nothing though because I have to see her at school and our children are friends (although she won't have them being friends out of school and refuses to allow my DC to go to hers even when I ha e overheard hers asking for mine). Another friend of mine has told me I need to say something to her as even she has noticed now. I know I need to confront her as she is getting worse too and I think my silence is giving her licence to.

On another note, when DH's friend got with his partner, I wasn't overly nice to her. I was civil but I wasn't that keen on her anyway and I'll be honest here, I was jealous as I had always had a bit of thing for the friend, not that I have ever said anything to anyone and I don't flirt with him or anything. I have got over it and I'm fine now and I was never rude to her or said horrible stuff but I'd be very surprised if the reason for this bitch's behaviour has nothing to do with her not fancying him.

Oh and hopefully your DF will take this decision out of your hands.

I'm up for MimiSunshines idea too (sorry don't know how to tag on here). Embarrassing her whenever she tries to get the upper hand and acting like you find her very immature and aren't the least bit bothered, would stop her I'm sure. Sadly I've known a few women like this and they thrive on knowing that their little comments have got under your skin and they're so subtle in doing it, they would make out you're paranoid or insecure if you called them out on it.
Regarding uninviting her - she will undoubtedly try and cause trouble in your friendship group and play the victim. Would it be worth it for all the fallout it would cause after? You will hopefully be having such a wonderful day you won't even notice her or if all else fails, just accidentally on purpose spill red wine on her dress (which will probably be white or cream)

I'd uninvited her.

She'll know you're serious and that you thinks she's fucking pits. Which she is.

Get rid. It's your day, not hers.

Sorry for disappearing - had to go be a chauffeur for my teenager.

Goingtobeawesome I don't know how you remembered that, but yes she did say someone a bit off about the wid thing in the bathroom the first time I met her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt at that stage because I know people find it awkward to know what to say about that.

OMFG Somer!!! You are GETTING MARRIED!!!! This is amazing . Sorry to derail thread...I will PM you, have been meaning to do so for bloomin' ages and have not been on MN as much as I'd have liked for various reasons and I thought about you the other day actually..!

FWIW, my opinion is that you've had more than enough to deal with in your time lady, tell the bitch to eff-off, you don't need that negativity on what should be an amazing day for both of you. This is a no-brainer.

HUGE congrats my lovely! xx

I've just counted and opinion is pretty much 50/50 split between uninviting her and revelling in her being there to witness our marriage.

Which fits with what I was thinking while I was driving, that I'm just going to tell DP the facts of what happened and leave it to him to decide.

If that means having her at the wedding then he can sort out who'll sit with her to shut her up and so forth. I've got other things to focus on.

And if he doesn't want her there then I'll feel better if that has come from him and not me.

I did like what someone said about saying we don't want plus ones there. That would well and truly put her in her place! I wouldn't do it, but I will think about it every time I feel annoyed about last night.