AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

RosieSW...am there...with hat and fizz

LadyPeter I missed this before and it just made me gurgle. TBH I am slightly relieved to hear that there is a downside to your DF
No downsides to him would be amazing! Just for starters; he owns the ugliest sofa in the world which he has moved into my living room. (And it's indestructible leather so I can't even get the kids or dog to wreck it.)

Oh yeah, and he has one really shitty friend whose inappropriate flirting he should have put an end to years ago.

Not that I don't appreciate all the deep thinking about this, but people changing their votes makes my adding up very tricky.

Her nose is out of joint, OP and she is sniping at you to try and make herself feel better. If you uninvited her you give her an 'in'. She can broadcast the tale of woe to everyone, make all sorts of sly suggestions about you, satisfy her own shortcomings with the idea that she made you insecure enough to cut her out. Don't.
Instead she will be there, in the background, to watch him marry you, you who will be radiant in your gorgeous dress. Let her amuse herself with cutting little comments, if that makes it easier for her. In her eyes you will have won, and she has to watch you do it.

Personally I think she will get shit faced and make a show of herself. Desperate attention seeking dancing, or full on New Years Eve-bubbles of snot and mascara-tears in the toilets. Might be worth having some popcorn or a glass of fizz on standby.

Our wedding OP. Why should you have people there who will have a negative impact on the day. It might upset your usher but I wouldn't be surprised if he's come up against this problem before, but that's not your problem. Definitely uninvite!

*your wedding !

Rosie my love.

Application form in triplicate

I have worked out the ultimate way of making sure she has to behave if she comes to our wedding. Sitting her beside my sister.

Oh and it wasn't four months from dating to engaged. I'm not completely insane! it was five

It's terrible that my reaction is 'squeeee Somerville and Lovely are getting MARRIED', right?

Let her be there, or don't let her be there. Whatever you and Lovely think best. At the end of the day she's old news and whatever special link she thinks she had with him is long gone. I'm inclined to think you seat him on the top table and her with your most boring great-aunt, but whatever works

Let her be there and arm the best man with a taser so that Lovely cries at the altar whether he likes it or not, she will fucking hate that!

OK so Lovely might hate it too, but he'll get over it!

Bogey we already have a deal that he will cry so that people look at him and not me I get to tread on his foot in stilettos if he isn't attention-seekingly tearful enough. A side effect of it showing her how overwhelmingly in pain happy to marry me he is will be nice!

It's very nice (and faintly alarming) that you're all so happy for someone you've never met to be marrying someone else you've never met.

But thanks.

I vote for uninviting her
Is she actually a decent friend to your DP? She sounds horrible full stop.

Rosie those of us who are lucky enough to get a Save The Date (I wrote STD and realised....:o )going to get a full invite or could they be bumped off at the last minute due to numbers and then asked to decorate MN instead? Or will they get evening only?

Its a fucking minefield!

I would put the wedding on hold till you DP stood his ground. you should be his priority. start as you mean to go on. I would also tell her to back off then tell everyone else before she had a chance to twist it.

Can I throw a 'don't know' into the ring?
Pros - you don't have to put up with her - you don't have to worry about her being inappropriate in front of your 1st DH's family
Cons - she will twist this and shit stir for sure - there could be long-term fall out for your DP and his friends.

Any chance that you & DP and his friend & wife sit down and you spell out how very deeply hurtful and inappropriate her behavior would be at your wedding, not just to you but to many other people? Then sit her next to your most boring uncle and promise your sister a free bottle of bubbly if she can spill red wine over evil bitch's dress?

Decorate MN 😂

Because I'm totally PA I'd probably go the route of having your DFiance talk to her DH about her not coming but in the manner of:

DF: "Somerville and I totally understand if it's easier not to come to our wedding after what happened last night with BitchFace"
BFS DH: "what happened last night?"
DF: oh I thought you knew, though I suppose she was pretty embarrassed. Long and short of it, she made some pretty bad jokes last night about my sex life with X, totally off the wall stuff and with her weirdly still calling me Y, calling Somerville jealous of her and what not, everyone is pretty convinced she has a massive crush on me. Sorry mate. It's totally awkward. I've tried telling BF in a gentle way how it was looking to others but looks like she didn't believe me or something...

Very definite squeal from this corner of the world - many congratulations to you and Lovely.

On to the problem. I lean towards don't uninvite, but definitely a meeting without coffee is called for. Whether that is a united front or Lovely on his own, I don't really know. And yes to siccing your sister on her if need be.

OMG you had to mention cancelling the cheque.....BREATHES.....

You know actually the more I think about it the more I think you NEED to uninvite her, and it's for 2 extremely valid, not about you, reasons:

Her comments about other women, her touchy-feely behaviour, could be seen as making your DFiance look bad, and calling into question his love for you, which in turn will greatly upset:

1. Your children; and
2. Your children's father's family

This is a time for love and celebration of that love. Of you finding someone to love you and take care of your kids, in the stead of your darling departed DH and with his families blessing.

Her behaviour is something YOU can handle, I have no doubt of that, but depending on her comments she could greatly upset those 2 groups of vulnerable people and that is not okay.

So I think you and your DP should talk to her AND her DH and have your DP say, essentially:

"The last thing we want to do is upset anyone but unfortunately it appears gentle comments haven't worked. Unfortunately X, we cannot have you at our wedding, and X's DH, we understand if that means you cannot come as well.

I have asked X to back-off with the pet name, I have tried to make it obvious I don't appreciate her hugging me the way she does, but despite this she continues to do it and others have noticed her inappropriate behaviour towards me. It's making other people think that X has a crush on me, which is embarrassing for Somerville and no doubt embarrassing for you too X's DH.

However that's only part of the reason why we can't have X at the wedding. The main reason is that with Somervile's kids being at the wedding, and their father's family as well, X's behaviour is just not something we can risk. She claims to keep "forgetting" to stop calling me [pet name] even though I asked her, nicely, to quit it.

I cannot risk that X will "forget" to stop calling me [pet name], I cannot risk that X will think it appropriate to mention my sex life with exes in the presence of X's family and/or kids. I simply cannot have Somerville's family or children thinking that anything is going on between X and I.

I thought we were friends, but you're making it hard to stay your friend when you behave like this and continually insult Somerville and ignore my requests."