AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

Ugh, she needs to fuck off away from Lovely.

LHReturns Thanks.

This will sound really weird but I'm now wondering if what she dislikes about me is the widow thing. I put her initial coldness towards me down to her feeling awkward about it (which happens quite often) but when it turned to overt bitchyness I discounted that assumption.

I'd like to vote for [MimiSunshine]'s solution please.

Sorry - MimiSunshines solution...

Perhaps the fact her behaviour has already escalated means she will have shot herself in the foot before the wedding?

I think you need to take the lead from STBDH - how does he think he can deal with her awful behaviour effectively being, does he get that she's a Queen Bee that feeds off drama?

He may gain more success and visiting her and her DH "I am so very upset and hurt that you think it's okay to be so disrespectful of my AND the woman I love. I thought we were friends, you aren't behaving like one. I thought you would be happy that I've met someone that I want to marry rather than doing everything you can to make it tinged with your bad behaviour"

She sounds absolutely awful and definitely as if she resents losing some sort of control over your DF not all filthy Tabs are bitches though

It sounds like your DF will take steps when he hears how she behaved, which is good, and good to leave the ball in his court because you know you can trust him.

I think I would be inclined not to rescind the invitation, which makes you look bad, but publicly to rise above all her crap and ignore as much as possible. Privately, I would explain how you are feeling to your DF but say that you want to support his previous friendships as much as possible, for his sake, so you are prepared to have her come. It's an expression of your love for him, basically.

I'm sure that on the day wearing your glorious white dress you will have so many other emotions to deal with that she just won't feature, but if she does, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you were the better person, not because she deserves it, but because your DF does.

OP, your DP sounds a good sort. I'd tell him what happened last night, tell him that her behaviour has got to the point where she has made it uncomfortable and unpleasant for you to spend any time with her.
Ask him to deal with it.

Your 20:35 post reminds me of the comment made by someone in the loos about you being a widow. Was that her?

Somer I remember your other thread and it is lovely to read that you're getting married. This woman clearly feeds on attention and believes that she has more "right" to your STBDH than you do? FWIW, I vote for talking to your STBDH and discussing together what to do. I agree with a previous suggestion that you have dinner etc regularly with his other friends. I hope that whatever you decide is right for you and that you have a lovely wedding day

I agree with all the points here OP. You mentioned about humour. This guy below did his PhD thesis on the use of humour in social situations. This tweet thread (the original tweet and his numbered replies is really interesting, I thought you might find it helpful.

twitter.com/5thcircappeals/status/763098172633657344

PS - this is about trump and racism but it has some parallels to keeping people 'in' a group, and probably more importantly, trying to keep you out.

Oy, PotOfYoghurt don't be outing me as having my own cutesy nickname for him! I've been trying to remember to be all mature on this thread and refer to him as DP!

She sounds like a duck and I can see why you don't want her there.

However I would not uninvite her. She clearly loves drama and this will just pander to it, confirming to her that you're "jealous" and she wields power over you.

If I were you I would really try to rise above it. Ignore her, mock her, seethe silently but don't let her win.

She really doesn't sound like an extraordinary Goady Fucker. If I was your friend, I would be honoured to have the opportunity to squash any of her cringeworthy anecdotes about your DH flat. Maybe chat with a couple about your concerns of her potential behaviour.

MarchEliza Very helpful to hear that side of things.
Yes she must be insecure for whatever reason and I hope very much that, like you have, she matures and doesn't stay stuck acting like this.

My Queen Bee did come to my wedding, but she wasn't the centre of attention so had a face like a slapped arse all day then left early. We had a wedding about the size of yours, I sat her on the far side of the room from me. I have no idea what she said to anyone as I spent about 30 seconds speaking to her directly.

Actually, I have no idea why we invited her and her DH.

Tell your DP exactly what happened and disinvite the dreadful woman. You are absolutely not obligated to put up with anything of the sort on your wedding day.

What a dilemma. I think you need full discussion with your partner to let him know what happened at the hen do and to get a feel for how much it would ruin his big day should his friend not come to the wedding if his wife is uninvited. I think you sound like a lovely person and very rational in your consideration of all angles. Could you prime your friends to keep her out of your way that day and shut her down if she comes out with any of her ridiculous behaviour? They would be like a human shield! Also - nearer the wedding itself you might find you're too absorbed with your own arrangements to allow her to even enter your consciousness. Hope all goes well for you whatever you decide.

Chippednailvarnish simplynigella thanks.

Neep Don't worry I'm not displaying Herculean ability at keeping this quiet from him. Just haven't seen him since it happened because of work/the stag do tonight. Not a conversation for over the phone.

LadyPeter Some of you are rather nice, really.

There's no way I'd be paying for someone to sit at my wedding, on my dime and slag me off. But then I am a hard faced tightarse

I think you need to leave it to your DP. Give him the information and ask him what he wants to do. If he intends to have a word then it might be better to speak to her with her DH, so that he can make his feelings clear in front of both of them.

She married the wrong guy!
It's in everything she does and says to you. She wanted to pair up your DP with her girlfriends to mask that she has feeling for him.
Regardless how happily married she is, I would bet money that she has feelings for your DP.

Tempting as it is, I wouldn't unnvite her.
It does need to be nipped in the bud though, and ignoring her isn't really getting that done.
What you really need is your face in hers, mere inches away, with her back against the wall while you tell her to quite simply Back The Fuck Off.
I don't think that will do it either tbh but I know it would make me feel better (my SIL was just like her ...could actually be her bitch-twin).

She will no doubt attempt to rise to the occasion and find ways to spoil your wedding day but you're the one marrying your DP, her friend. Not her. So you win (yes it is a competition [to her]).
The wedding (in theory) should draw a line under it. I would have very little to no contact with her from then onwards.

She can smile and laugh as much as she wants, she's not a friend at any stretch of the imagaination. She's a viper.
Isn't it always the nasty, passive-aggressive bitches who blame the other person and their 'sensitivity'.
Oh fuck right off is the usual thought in my head

Good luck with her. She's insecure and jealous as hell, and you do have something she's jealous of - your DP.
Be happy together. It's honestly the best revenge

What an appalling women and a mistress of projection. Any response from you will lead to her saying 'somer is so jealous and insecure'. I would neither confront or uninvited her. Just keep showing an absolutely united front with DP and the deep happiness between you. I would have a word with the other women in his friendship group and maybe recruit their support.
Showing that she upsets you is giving her power and will ensure massive drama around her which is what she craves.

I had something a bit like this with my DH. He has a wide circle of friends both male and female and there was one particular woman who was just weird around both of us. She and DH dated briefly as teenagers (DH told me this before I even met her, not an issue for me or him) and she was just a bit too possessive and odd. This was a long time ago (we were all in our twenties, now in our forties) and at the time I dealt with it by being very very friendly and nice to her and totally ignoring any digs. We absolutely weren't friends but the way I was behaving to her made it look weird to other people when she behaved jealously or possessively and she just had to stop or risk losing friends by looking like a maniac.The lack of response did make her give it up. However, in time she has basically shot herself in the foot by being like this with too many other new partners in the group (she has dated a few of the blokes, all in teenage or v early 20s years) and she has found herself very much on the outside of the group as time has gone on.

She also does weird stuff like criticising one friend's house - it's a bloody three floor Victorian house in Clapham, fgs, and she described it as 'not really a proper house' while living in what was essentially a prefab in zone 8 or something. Obviously where you live and what your house is like is not remotely important but by making it important by her criticisms and lack of self awareness she has really alienated people. I live in a two up two down in zone 4 and my reaction to the mansion in Clapham was basically 'you lucky buggers, what a gorgeous house'. Which is surely the normal way to respond to friends' good fortune?

It really is insecurity and the fact is that over time she is very likely to find that people notice and back off a bit.

That doesn't solve your immediate problem, though. In your shoes, I'd talk to your DP and see what he thinks. He surely won't like any of the stuff she came out with at the hen party at all. Can he talk to his friend about it? That might be the easiest way to solve it - perhaps DP can make it very clear that any behaviour of this kind will not be tolerated at the wedding and she can only come if she can behave?

You sound very nice, btw, and very level-headed.

Black, funnily enough my rather sensible MIL thinks the same about my QB.

OP, the best revenge is to be happy. Whatever happens, have a fabulous day