To think that you can generally guess the chances of a successful marriage based on the wedding?

[EatsShitAndLeaves]

So DM emailed yesterday to let me know a family member is getting married for the second time.

All well and good and I'm happy for them.

However it inevitably reminded me of their first outrageously luxurious wedding which cost DH and I a small fortune to attend where DH and I concluded half way through the event that we had wasted a shit load of money we couldn't see the marriage lasting more than a year.

As it happens we were wrong - it all fell apart after 8 months...

Thinking about it more, nearly every wedding I've attended had a "sense" of if it's likely to work out in the longer term - and the odd exception aside, I've been right.

To be clear I don't go to weddings with the intent of conducting a forensic analysis of the relationship! I genuinely want these people to be happy and for it to work out, but sometimes I can't help that "spidy sense" feeling.

AIBU to think this pretty common?

Portia I sorry you are upset.

There are clearly things that happen that no-one could have predicted that impact a marriage.

Some very happy couples I know have been subject to massive stresses that could (and nearly did) break them - health issues, redundancy, bereavement etc.

If that had happened that certainly wouldn't have been anything I would have foreseen when they married.

However, in my experience there are signs that things just "aren't right" in some cases and indicate that the B&G just aren't on the same wavelength.

I've only been to one sad. How come everybody has been to so many weddings??

I've been bridesmaid 6 times! Probably been to another 12 weddings on top of that. I'm 32 and it's the height of 'wedding years' with our friends!

DH and I have been married for 2.5 years.

I wonder what people thought at our wedding...

It was fairly expensive (we wanted people to enjoy themselves) and it was imo beautiful . But it wasn't the "best day" of my life. I hope this isn't an indication that our marriage is going to fail :(

Yes I am upset OP Your thread title is awful
Please don't speculate, most brides would want their wedding to be their Happy Ever After and sadly 1/3 marriages break down. To think that people are questioning your future when they're eating your wedding meal is dreadful and I would hope that all guests wish the bride and groom well. If they're taking bets as to how long the marriage will last then perhaps they shouldn't be a guest at the wedding.

I couldn't really avoid my brother's weddings, Portia, despite a sinking feeling each time. The first was a humungous, floofy, lacy bridesmaid-fest, the second a register office to which the bride wore trousers and a dodgy leather corset but let's not go there.

That would be one brother, two weddings, by the way.

Portia - again I apologise if you are upset.

However, as I have said a few times I do not go to weddings "taking bets" as you put it on their likely success. I go to weddings of people I care about and want them to be happy.

That's actually quite offensive for you to suggest - I'm not the "William hill" of weddings. I don't get any pleasure whatsoever of thinking "this doesn't feel like it's going to work out".

However, in my opinion (and I'm entitled to mine as much as you are to yours) I think that you can get a sense about the relationship from the wedding - and seemingly from this thread others (and even some research) would support that.

I was perfectly expecting people to say I was BU - but a bit that I am being offensive. That certainly wasn't my intent.

When DH and I got married SIL reckoned I was "just" the fiancée but she was his sister, one word from her and he'd drop me. Other SIL sobbed throughout the entire service because she was "losing her brother". MIL refused to be in any photographs with me and at the reception she went table to table telling everyone that it wasn't going to last.

Ten years later and I'm still here, still manipulating him. I've even had three DC with him purely to make sure that my claws are well and truly hooked into him

Portia
You are taking this way too personally.

One wedding I went to I got chatting to the Bride's mum who I'd never met before (or since)
she asked me if I thought they were mad to be getting married and whether I'd tried to persuade them not to as she had

the marriage was over PDQ

Talk1n - I got chatting to one of the groom's dads at a recent (gay) wedding, and he said he hadn't wanted his son to turn out "like that" but he seemed happy with his new husband so hoped it would last

I've definitely got a reasonably accurate divorce radar (though only when a guest, not when I was the bloody bride). I think it is about attitude to the event and whether the B&G treat it as a huge party or the first day of the rest of their lives and a huge party. It is also about how much they have in common about the wedding itself. I've been to a few bridezilla jobs which ended in divorce, largely because the groom was an afterthought in the event. But I also went to a huge glitzy amazing wedding which was nearly 2 years in the planning. Both B&G had always dreamed of a huge wedding so they saved like crazy and had their dream (even down to the fireworks). Still devotedly besotted with each other after 20 years and weathering troubles that would have felled plenty of other relationships.

At my BIL's wedding (where DH was best man) some random bloke (who turned out to be BIL's mate) plonked himself drunkenly next to me and said 'She'll quit work in less than a year and bleed him dry.'

I was . Thought he was rude and obnoxious. But he was right. 6 months later, the bride had managed to give up her job and was spending like Viv Nicholson. The couple did stick it out for a bit, but are now divorced.

I too think the expensive huge weddings mainly end in divorce. The bride spends years planning her dream weddding and many forget the actual marriage and commitment involved. Once the day is done they have no focus and real life hits.

I think you might be onto something Op, I know a couple who spent £30k (a lot of money to spend imo) and she was with the best man on the wedding night!
I think some people lose sight of the fact they're committing to a marriage and not just an extravagant day.

sheldon cross post with you there!

I don't think you can tell by photos -
we hate having our pictures taken so look incredibly awkward in a lot of them ;)
And same for spending lots of time
together on the day, every time I had a moment with my
new husband a relative or friend who I hadn't seen in ages would come over for a chat - the day went by in a blur!
But I agree there is definitely a vibe you can get on the day - and although money isn't an indicator for
me it's more if the whole thing feels like a performance and spectacle for others instead of a meaningful day.

after a PP I did dig out my photos and TBH got a bit emotional (having not looked at them since we got married ).

We do look very much in love and happy.

I especially loved the ones I shoved in the box of the "professional" album of "snaps taken by friends and family.

Not posed, just people smiling and laughing.

It's hard impossible to be objective about your own wedding but on photos it does look like a joyful event.

However "there but for the grace of god"....

I don't know about the wedding day itself precisely, but I know we've been to a very few weddings where we really thought perhaps they shouldn't be getting married, and they were very quickly divorced.

One was a hasty green card wedding and they just hadn't had time to get to know each other thoroughly.

Another declared a couple of weeks before the wedding that she'd planned her perfect day and she didn't much care whether it was or anyone else at the altar with her.

I'm sure lots of people were giving us six months when we got married: we were young (21/23) and had only house shared together as students, not actually lived together; we'd only been together six days weeks before we got engaged; came from different backgrounds, etc. We were lucky: we turned out to have far more in common than anyone could have guessed, including ourselves.

Expensive weddings are really neither here nor there
I know of one that cost £60k and was entirely funded from normal income

its the debt / borrowing ones that scare me

Bloody hell Bear. If ever there was need for a MIL thread...

£60k on a wedding - just

I mean each to their own but - wow....

eatsshits
T'was great
it covered
Friday family supper for 25
Saturday church, canapes, drinks, supper, free bar and a band for 200
Sunday brunch for 50
guests only had to fork out for block discounted rooms and clothes
THAT is where the money should go
not effing monogrammed chairs

£60k?! ....to think one colleague said I was disgusting for spending £8k (including honeymoon!).

well I see where the money went and at least the guests got fed

I'm not shy about spending money but I really couldn't personally justify or want spending that much on one day - but each to their own!!!

I'm sure other people would be aghast at how much I've spent on cars, shoes and handbags over the years

I've been to a £75k wedding... it was great fun! 10k was flowers...

guests only had to fork out for block discounted rooms and clothes

A friend went to a wedding where five-star hotel accommodation was covered for every guest, and a morning suit was provided for every man who didn't already have one.

I gather the dress was north of £30k and that was ten years ago.