To think that you can generally guess the chances of a successful marriage based on the wedding?

[EatsShitAndLeaves]

So DM emailed yesterday to let me know a family member is getting married for the second time.

All well and good and I'm happy for them.

However it inevitably reminded me of their first outrageously luxurious wedding which cost DH and I a small fortune to attend where DH and I concluded half way through the event that we had wasted a shit load of money we couldn't see the marriage lasting more than a year.

As it happens we were wrong - it all fell apart after 8 months...

Thinking about it more, nearly every wedding I've attended had a "sense" of if it's likely to work out in the longer term - and the odd exception aside, I've been right.

To be clear I don't go to weddings with the intent of conducting a forensic analysis of the relationship! I genuinely want these people to be happy and for it to work out, but sometimes I can't help that "spidy sense" feeling.

AIBU to think this pretty common?

crazycatguy, that's funny. 3 out of the four weddings you went to in a decade the same groom! did he finally make a good choice in 2008/?

Crazycatguy
Your friend marrying three times over a 7 year period certainly epitomises the saying '.... the triumph of hope over experience'
I'm intrigued.
Please elaborate.
Did the third marriage last?

One of my best friend's weddings was beautiful, absolutely perfect day.
However I knew she wasn't 100% happy with the relationship, and 2 years on is even less happy. I hope it lasts but I really can't see it.

We went to a wedding less than two years ago a family member and it hasn't lasted. I feel equally annoyed at the money we spent going. It was expected that we go, and "it's my only wedding! " and we went but it wasn't particularly enjoyable. I was annoyed about the money at the time, splitting up makes it feel less worth it!

Reminded that I was invited to (but unable to attend) 2 weddings which were 'plastering over the cracks'. One was a couple who'd been married to each other before and the other were a couple who'd lived together a long time. In both cases there'd been affairs and the weddings were part of the deal for the cheated on spouse to agree to them staying together! Craziness - didn't work in either case.

i have been married for 18 years, i can't imagine divorcing although it is definitely not all roses and smiles.
We planned our wedding in 6 weeks, it cost less than a grand, Neither of us wanted the Look at Me thing going on.

The third marriage broke down within the year. To be fair Number 3 was a total bitch.

He lives with someone else now, and has done so for longer than any of his marriages. I asked him if they were getting married anytime soon and he said 'She's not so keen on the big white dress and I've kind of gone off wedding cake'.

A lesson for the modern age perhaps (says he with DP for 9 years and not an inkling of marriage chat).

So his judgement got worse!? NOt surprised he's gone off wedding cake! He'd be like pavlov's dog gagging on weddig cake! Any sane woman would be embarrassed telling her friends and family she was planning to marry a man with three failed marriages behind him!! I couldn't traumatise mama and papa like that :-p

I only have one disaster under my belt but I would never say never now because i know my judgement is better now.

Not sure I could get married now actually as my X screwed me financially by not marrying me so now that I pushed tap water uphill to get my own tiny scrappy little nest feathered on a budget, I couldn't risk it by marrying...........

Graphista, William and Kate aside,:-p I think that if a couple splits up, moves out, moves on..... then it is only fear lack of optimism, settling for the devil they know putting them back together.

My first wedding, the groom broke his cousin's nose in a fight and the police were called whilst I cried. We split less than three minutes years later.

Getting remarried next year and know it will be nothing like that!

I wonder if the dynamics change for some people when They get married.
I'm thinking of couples who have been together a long time yet split up soon after marrying.
Do they stop trying ?
There must be a reason for the breakdown or are they just goi g through the motions and think z wedding is what's needed.

I think when long term couples marry and divorce quickly after it's probably the signal that there were issues and getting married was part of the attempt to fix that - which sadly failed.

Yes I know of 2 couples who weren't married and when the women said they weren't happy, the men suggested marriage. Thankfully neither couple did marry and they both split up.

I think some long-term engaged women have invested years of thought and planning into their weddings and the wedding can take on its own significance for them, as in it's not just about their partner/relationship any more, it's about what they've been planning and dreaming about for all the years they've been engaged IYKWIM, and wanting to finally make that real becomes the "point" of the day rather than the marraige

Not in all cases of course, but some weddings I've been to after YEARS together and LOOOOOONG engagements have certainly become an entity in itself and don't seem to be much about the marriage at all

Just wondering what it says about me and DH that we went off and did it with only the statutory two witnesses (friends of DH whom I'd never met before; they just happened to live near the location), and without telling anyone beforehand?

Ladyonashortfuse I don't think it says much about you other than that was your preferred way in which to get married.
I have three friends who have done the same/similar.

Not a great believer in flash weddings, most of the people I know who had a big wedding got divorced fairly quickly, unfortunately. Unless there is loads of spare cash around I don't really see the point in spending huge sums which would be better put to giving your married life the best start and perhaps relieve some of the financial pressure that often accompanies early married life. It's just one day which can be lovely and full of great memories without breaking the bank.

Sorry I went to bed after posting last night but yep more than 40 weddings and I've realised I didn't count ours.
I've never tried adding it up before. But I'm also impressed that, bar the one distant cousin one, none have ended in divorce yet. Never thought about that before either!

I've also been to around 40 weddings and only one (so far!) has ended in divorce. But I've heard that the most common age to get divorced is in your 40s, so perhaps there will be some in the next few years (I'm early 40s).

Good point Amber. Watch this space I guess (I'm 35)

Hopefully our friends are atypical in that respect elpth! I can't immediately think of any marriages which seem unhappy either...

I don't think it has anything to do with how much money has been spent, but I definitely think you can get a sense of whether the couple in question are getting married because they want to be married, or if they're getting married because they want to have a wedding. Clearly there's a big difference...and quite a good indicator of longevity (or otherwise) as a couple.

My oldest friend called off her first wedding.
A couple of years later she did marry. Huge cathedral ceremony, as the first attempt would have been. Her husband cheated on her later and they divorced.

Hey, we eloped to Edinburgh with strangers for witnesses and we're still plodding on nearly 14 years later. I was 17, husband was 30, it only cost us registry fees, train tickets, rings and hotel stay.

The year I got married ( almost 25 years ago) we went to a further 5 weddings.
Including myself (now divorced) only one other couple are still together and the wife is of the tolerate anything mindset , without being rude. Her own mum and dad are still married however that has been A very abusive telationship.
One bride passed away so that leaves 3.
One was the brides 2nd marriage and the grooms 3rd.
Another couple stayed married for nearly 25 years and one couple for 20 years.
None of them have remarried.