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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that you can generally guess the chances of a successful marriage based on the wedding?

230 replies

EatsShitAndLeaves · 04/11/2016 13:11

So DM emailed yesterday to let me know a family member is getting married for the second time.

All well and good and I'm happy for them.

However it inevitably reminded me of their first outrageously luxurious wedding which cost DH and I a small fortune to attend where DH and I concluded half way through the event that we had wasted a shit load of money we couldn't see the marriage lasting more than a year.

As it happens we were wrong - it all fell apart after 8 months...

Thinking about it more, nearly every wedding I've attended had a "sense" of if it's likely to work out in the longer term - and the odd exception aside, I've been right.

To be clear I don't go to weddings with the intent of conducting a forensic analysis of the relationship! I genuinely want these people to be happy and for it to work out, but sometimes I can't help that "spidy sense" feeling.

AIBU to think this pretty common?

OP posts:
x2boys · 04/11/2016 14:36

Matchingbluesocks we had a cheap wedding we had only been together six months when we married we have also been married for 11 years i dont think money or lack of it has anything to do with wether a marriage will work out or its down to the couple to make it work.

hazeyjane · 04/11/2016 14:36

Fortunately no-one came to our wedding, apart from the couple we dragged from the car park to be our witnesses - so there was no chance of anyone saying, 'I give those 2 a year tops'!

We specifically wanted a marriage with just us, because it was all about us as a couple and turning around the shitty year we had drawn a line under.

handsomeboymodellingschool · 04/11/2016 14:38

Mine cost less than a grand, including the engagement ring, but as posted above was pretty much over after 3 months

Original poster
EatsShitAndLeaves · 04/11/2016 14:39

ButtButt I think you've nailed it for me about the "joy".

Maybe I get that spidy sense when I detect its absence.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 04/11/2016 14:40

Dh was best man couple of years back i just knew the groom . They had just got back together after he had left his partner she organised it in 2 months i was humphy about it from the star, her speech was all about how it took them a long time to get together as other people were in their way . She also missed all the family and friends of the groom on a table walk round actually walking straight his granddad when he stood up to congratulate them. She had a hissy fit at photographs when he wanted other people in them (his friends) she screamed at her bridesmaid for 5 minutes about her lipstick. It lasted a year

msrisotto · 04/11/2016 14:42

I don't think you can tell. I like to think that I accurately guessed the marriage of one couples wedding I went to, wouldn't last and it didn't. But then I was shocked at another couple who split after about a year post nuptuals as I thought they were solid. There was so much sex,drugs,rock&roll I didn't know about and they looked perfectly happy......

msrisotto · 04/11/2016 14:45

Groom's speech was all about how beautiful the bride is This! This bugs me too. It is obviously lovely to comment on how wonderful she/he looks but for it to be THE MAIN AND MOST IMPORTANT thing just glares out at me as so superficial.

MuseumOfCurry · 04/11/2016 14:46

marriage duration is inversely associated with spending on the engagement ring and wedding ceremony.'

It would be interesting to see this analysed by spending as a percentage of income vs absolute spending. People who spend more money than they can afford on a wedding have bad judgement in any case.

OllyBJolly · 04/11/2016 14:56

I was at one wedding where the groom's ex wife sat on his knee snogging him while the bride cried her eyes out in the loos. 12 years ago and still together.

I think too many couples get married because they want "the day" rather than the marriage. A wedding planned to the nth degree is usually a fair predictor - it's not necessarily about most expensive.

user1470997562 · 04/11/2016 14:57

I think you can tell. Some weddings you go and it's just a really happy day, if things go wrong nobody cares, it's just about having a lovely time with friends and family.

BIL's first wedding. A lot of expense and pomp but the actual atmosphere was kind of stilted and as though it were all for effect. Neither of them looked very happy. Brides family didn't both to dress up and came in their leggings. Lasted about two years.

Cousin's first wedding - again very grand. Groom's family were extremely odd. The father of the groom burst into tears giving the speech and it was very much focussed on how grateful they were that my cousin was taking him on. The groom went around being rude to guests. We were sat with the groom's sister and her dh and dc for the meal. She looked daggers at us every time we tried to make conversation with her and her dh and eventually got extremely angry with me for speaking to her dh, using a throw away camera to take a close up of my nose, saying "how do you like that". I've never been to a stranger wedding. It lasted less than 3 months but I'm glad my cousin managed to escape.

I think those are the only two marriages in my realm that have ended but both of them had weddings that just didn't have a happy atmosphere.

lifesuckssometimes · 04/11/2016 14:59

I had a cheapo registry office wedding and have been married 38 years.

MaidOfStars · 04/11/2016 15:09

Our registrar told us after our ceremony that she'd never witnessed another couple so heartfelt in their vows - she claimed to be genuinely moved. To be fair, she might say it to every couple. But we had had a really torrid time around our wedding (MIL, terminal illness diagnosis, FIL missed the wedding to stay at her bedside etc) and our wedding vows became all the more earnest because of it (that might not be the right word, but I felt we really connected with their meaning in a way that maybe we might have missed in the absence of any overriding emotional torment). Many of our guests agreed with her so we must have put on a good show Wink

Anyway, I agree that you can "tell". It's nothing to do with money and all to do with how the couple are with each other and their guests. The looks they give each other across a room, the glancing hands as one rushes off to talk with Great Aunt Mildred, laughing when it rains or if the cake is shit, dancing stupidly and not caring. All those things give a vibe that makes you feel optimistic for them.

MrsJayy · 04/11/2016 15:15

Another wedding was a cousin they came to our country to get married in a castle cousin family is from here i met him twice before and disliked him he shouted at cousin for not holding something right and other stuff all day nobody really knew what to say it was very awkward she left him after a few years, he was very abusive was very sad what she went through with him.

GoofyTheHero · 04/11/2016 15:16

It would be interesting to see this analysed by spending as a percentage of income vs absolute spending

This. We spent a lot on our wedding, because we could afford to. No getting into debt, no scrimping, no stress. Just spent the money on the things that were important to us (DH loves food so having good food was very important to him, overall the food cost £7000!).
So yeah, people may have thought it overly lavish and judged us for spending that amount of money, but we could afford to and it made us happy to be able to have all the people we wanted at a massive party, so what's the problem?
It was a very very happy day. We've only been married 4 years so can't say if it will last or not but we're still going strong.
It upsets me that people would look at our expensive wedding and just because we spent lots of money on the day we wanted, people would think it won't last. Luckily I don't think our friends are that mean spirited.

SaagMasala · 04/11/2016 15:22

I've had TWO cheapo weddings.

The first lasted just under 5 years. He also said "If this, If that..." while we were talking about our plans for the future. And "at least if it doesn't work out we're both young enough to start again". He's had two more failed marriages since, and is now living on his own.

My second marriage has lasted (so far) 34 years.

I agree for some people (always seems to be the bride!) it seems to be more about the wedding itself rather than the commitment to each other.

I'd be interested to know whether second/subsequent marriages fare better than the first. And do people spend as much on them?

AmeliaJack · 04/11/2016 15:28

Goofy We had a big wedding. 200 guests, church filled with flowers, beautiful hotel etc etc

We've been happily married for nearly 20 years.

Our wedding day was lovely but quite frankly I would have happily married him in jeans.

It's it how much effort that you put into the wedding day that matters, it's how much effort you put into the marriage.

mrssapphirebright · 04/11/2016 15:32

I always play the 'guess how long this will last game'. Only, i am shit at it.

Have a friend who had a lovely intimate church wedding, lovely guy, lovely families, modest, not flashy wedding, very traditional, both of them early 30s etc. They seemed made for each other. Def thought they would last a lifetime. He packed his bags and left her and their 9 month old ds 2 years later for a much older woman.

have another friend who is very flashy, was always the friend that was desperate to get married (seemed more about the day than the sentiment). Spent 30k on their wedding. i always felt that her groom, although a nice guy and seemed to adore her was a bit pushed into it, so def had it down as a 'this could get messy / watch this space' kinda thing. they have been married 15 years now and seem very happy.

My first wedding cost less than a grand. We were both 21 and everyone said we were meant to be / loves young dream / made for each other. I bailed on him after 6 months.

Second wedding 3 years later, big fancy wedding had it all etc and everyone said 'give it a year / its a re-bound thing / he's not right for her' etc. We lasted 15 years, have 2 dc and are still good friends.

Third wedding was small and classy, not cheap, but not flashy. We only invited 10 people as mostly people were saying 'this is doomed / give it a year / its a mistake etc'. only 2 years in, but gave up giving a shit what anyone else thinks a long time ago :)

UnoriginalNN · 04/11/2016 15:32

You can just tell with some couples - money is irrelevant

I had a cheap wedding and my friend did the same. It was awful, only because the groom was just not interested. They are still together two years on, but only because she has standards that are through the floor.

user1475253854 · 04/11/2016 15:33

I agree goofy, if you have the money in the first place, go for it if it's what you want. For me, it's if people don't have the money but go for it that's the problem. Or feel they should have the full day and the traditional wedding bells and whistles even though they don't want it.

I knew a couple who saved up 3 years and got married on a Monday just to get married at a particular hotel. Each to their own I suppose but if you don't have the income to do it, maybe you should be a little bit more realistic.

GoofyTheHero · 04/11/2016 15:35

Our wedding day was lovely but quite frankly I would have happily married him in jeans.

Yeah that was my point really. We had an expensive wedding because we could afford it. If we couldn't, I'd have married him in jeans wherever we could afford it and would have been equally as happy.

Batteriesallgone · 04/11/2016 15:37

Planned to the nth degree - yes that is a red flag I think. And is often associated with expense.

Conversely I always get confused when there seems to be nothing one half of the couple is excited about. Food&drink/music /readings/location/outfits there should be something that they gush about or is very 'them'.

I went to a wedding organised entirely by the groom, the only nod to his wife was sports themed tables, but they were football and she plays netball...apparently nobody would 'get' netball references...Hmm

I have to say as much as I wish them well I don't see that one lasting.

FaithAscending · 04/11/2016 15:38

I think you have a point OP. We went to a wedding this year where there was obviously a lot of money spent, attention to detail etc but honestly, the bride barely raised a smile all day! I hope, rather than believe it will last forever Sad

I've been to a wedding which was obviously done on a very tight budget (they were both PHd students) but they were very much in love and are still together 15 years later.

I think there are some weddings where the couple aren't actually that happy and you see money thrown at the 'big day' to try to compensate for this. My uncle had one like this, they were still paying off the wedding when the split up 18 months later.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 04/11/2016 15:40

I think the money thing is probably talking about couples who get into debt rather than those with just more disposable income. I imagine it's a very stressful way to start married life, and you're more likely to get post-wedding blues when you come out the other side, realise that it really was just one day and now you're living on beans on toast without the heating on to pay for it.

Tellypathic · 04/11/2016 15:41

I don't think you can always tell from the wedding. I think sometimes you can, but I think you'd be able to tell that before they were married.

Heatherjayne1972 · 04/11/2016 15:41

Its hindsight that does it
When a couple split it's easy to look back and remember the wedding
I was at a wedding once where the groom looked grey and horrified - he didn't want to be there We were surprised they were still together after a year ( they're divorced now tho)

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