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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take DS out of preschool? Advice needed.

89 replies

JCBFastrac · 03/11/2016 10:34

DS is 3, started preschool in Sept this year. We knew it would be difficult for him as he's never been looked after by anyone except me, DH or grandma. Wasn't too bad at first but once he got wind that I would always leave him there, he's become incredibly upset about going. Today I took him in for the second time since half term week and it's been terrible. DH has been having to come with me to help as DS been getting so upset in the car on the way there that I can't concentrate on driving. It takes a while to persuade him to go into the building and he's so distressed when we leave him. When we're at home, he keeps asking 'we not going to preschool today?' so he's clearly dreading it.

The staff there have been very helpful and supportive and they insist that it will get better and that if he doesn't learn this lesson now then there may be real problems when it comes to starting school next year.

The staff put observations/photos on an online site so that we can see what he's been doing there and he usually looks happy and engaged. He obviously resigns himself to the fact that he's there and gets on with it.

DH and I are seriously considering taking him out of preschool because it's causing him so much distress, but we honestly don't know what is the best thing to do.

OP posts:

Libertybazar · 04/11/2016 17:17

When will he be going to school? If it is September 2017, then I really wouldn't take him out.

I disagree with posters saying preschool isn't necessary. If your child is going to mainstream primary, then preschool is a fantastic tool for teaching them things they can't learn at home. Lining up, sitting with crossed legs, co-cooperation, working with their peers... the list goes on.

I'm a nursery teacher and we have strong links with many primary schools. They tell us that they can really see a huge difference in children that have attended preschool and it gives them a significant advantage.

If your child seems ok while he's there, then hopefully he settles quickly when you're gone. I'm sorry it's so horrible for you, it is awful to see your child distressed. A visual timetable might help him understand that you will be back after carpet time (or whenever preschool does it).

If you're not confident he's ok while you're there, then my suggestion would be to try a staggered start- you go in and stay for an hour 'sliding out' of his play, and take him with you when you go. When he's ok, then you could try leaving for half an hour or so, gradually upping the time.

Hope this helps. Some children do take a long time to settle in to a setting, but they always do.

TeaPleaseLouise · 04/11/2016 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 04/11/2016 17:21

When does he start school

Original poster

JCBFastrac · 04/11/2016 18:24

He's due to start school September 2017. I spoke to the preschool leader and asked if I could stay longer for a few sessions but she pretty much said no as apparently the other children would start asking where their mums are. I may say that unless I can do this then I will take him out.

OP posts:

WackyWalrus · 04/11/2016 18:27

I can't believe you're asking this and keeping your baby so upset in the mistaken belief it's essential for school.

He will grow up SO much before he starts school. Lots of children don't do nursery before school.

Please take him out. Your post is breaking my heart. You'll lose his trust. Please.

WackyWalrus · 04/11/2016 18:28

A year is a really long time OP please don't make him so upset.

Homebird90 · 04/11/2016 18:31

Pre-school isn't obligatory and learning how to behave in school happens in reception class anyway. Do trust your instincts OP.

happy2bhomely · 04/11/2016 18:43

Two of my DC didn't attend a nursery at all. They had October birthdays and started reception full time in the September before they turned 5. They settled well, enjoyed school and made friends quickly. They are now 16 and 13 years old and it doesn't seem to have held them back in any way.

I look at how big they are and I am thankful for the extra time I got to spend with them.

If you want him to go, then persevere. It won't do him any harm. But if you're not fussed and he doesn't enjoy it, don't feel bad for not making him go. It won't matter in the long run.

Original poster

JCBFastrac · 04/11/2016 18:49

It just scares me when people bang on about how he won't be 'ready for school' - if he wasn't summer born then it wouldn't seem so bad. I think we will try one more session and if that's no better then it will probably be best to defer preschool. Thanks for all your views.

OP posts:

hels71 · 04/11/2016 18:53

Can you take him out and then try again in April for a term before he starts school??

Orangetoffee · 04/11/2016 18:54

I would take him out. Pre school should be an enjoyable experience and not causing him so much upset. School is still a year away and you can take him to many places/groups to interact with other children.

Laquila · 04/11/2016 18:54

It's very tricky - I feel for you. I agree that culturally, it raises eyebrows to keep your child at home nowadays until school, and I don't think that's fair - there are various reasons why some children might do better waiting until reception. Having said all that, it's very common for children to have initial separation anxiety and it's my belief that sometimes you do have to persevere, but it if it's making you miserable!! There's definitely an argument for taking him out and maybe working on him playing more independently at toddler groups/playgroup etc.

My 3-yr was at nursery 1.5 days a week since about 15 months - he cries at practically every drop-off for about a year! I was confident that overall, he was enjoying his time there though. At the age of 3 he started 4 mornings of preschool and is MUCH happier and more settled - that environment seems to suit him more. Does he have any meals there? We find that our son preferred initially to come home for lunch (he only does morning sessions) - I think the familiarity of the meal with me and his baby brother helped him settle in.

Smartleatherbag · 04/11/2016 18:55

My youngest didn't go to preschool. The available one was crap. He settled beautifully into school though.

Laquila · 04/11/2016 18:56

"Ready for school" is a bit of a daft phrase - it's not binary! Children all develop so differently. Please do try not to worry.

baconandeggies · 04/11/2016 19:01

It just scares me when people bang on about how he won't be 'ready for school'

Nobody knows your child better than you.. Mine didn't got to pre-school and she was fine. Reception is all about learning how to do school (and playing).

We delayed our girl's start at school until the the beginning of the term after she turned 5 - there's no legal responsibility to provide an education before this.

Laquila · 04/11/2016 19:01

"If your child is going to mainstream primary, then preschool is a fantastic tool for teaching them things they can't learn at home. Lining up, sitting with crossed legs, co-cooperation, working with their peers... the list goes on."

Personaliy I think that for some kids, a better route to starting to learn the above might be a combination of playgroups, story-time/library sessions, music groups, Tumbletots, playing with friends etc. We have to assume that the OP's son isn't sitting in solitary silence at home whenever he isn't at preschool!

TataEs · 04/11/2016 19:10

what eventually made it click for ds1 was that i told him it was his job, like daddy's job, to go to preschool. it was like a lightbulb moment for him.
it's up to u ultimately. many children never go to preschool and then settle fine at school. others will find it a massive culture shock.
because we moved 5months before starting school ds1 had 5 months at home with me before school. he cried on day 3 &4... loves it now. total meltdown on day 2 after half term tho, but we are back to loving it again!

baconandeggies · 04/11/2016 19:16

Even if starting school is a massive culture shock, it doesn't matter - they learn and adapt and get to know the routine in their own time. Not a disaster. School reception teachers are used to it and it's normal.

SteggySawUs · 04/11/2016 19:19

Is he there for full days? I ask because my DS was fine when he started age 3 on half days, but once we increased it to full days he started getting upset at drop off. With hindsight I should have reduced it back to half days and picking up before lunch, the full day was just too much of a feeling of not knowing when he'd see me again I think. He was always playing happily when I picked him up but they never saw the real him all year. He settled into school perfectly!

AnnaFiveTowns · 04/11/2016 19:22

I would take him out if he is unhappy. I regret putting my ds in pre school; looking back now, he clearly wasn't ready; some children are but some are not - that doesn't mean to say he won't be ready for reception because he'll be a year older then. And i wouldn't trust the nursery staff on this; they don't know your ds like you do and they have a vested interest in him staying there.

Dinosaursgoboo · 04/11/2016 19:25

I didn't send DD to preschool. Instead we used 9 of our 15 free hours at a small private nursery - 3 hours, 3 times a week. DD settled in after a few weeks and started enjoying it in term 2. I believe it helped her develop important skills about managing without me and socialising with peers so that the move to reception was easier than it would otherwise have been. We had recently moved to the area so didn't have friends we could socialise with, etc. But I'm glad she didn't go to a big preschool mon-fri as I don't think she would have settled at all.

Gatehouse77 · 04/11/2016 19:30

I have a summer born DS. He went to a Montessori nursery from 2.5 years. All fine to begin with but then we went through a phase where he was reluctant, resistant and getting himself worked up about being dropped off. We perservered and there was little improvement. I spoke to his key worker that we were considering knocking it on the head.

As a result of that conversation we didn't. Instead, I told DS that this was the way things were, he would continue to go and talked about all the things he got to do whilst there. It was a tactic we have had employ at various stages - not being mean or punishing him but staying calm and stating it as a fact. I think at times he struggled with our efforts to appease him when what he really wanted was a set boundary.

That said, there are some children who simply aren't ready. That doesn't mean they won't be ready for school. Far better to equip them with confidence and stability from being at home longer than pushing them to conform.

griffinsss · 04/11/2016 19:36

I had similar problems with my DDs when they started preschool. One DD would cry hysterically every morning when I left (the other would run right inside and play) and then the other would be waiting wistfully by the door waiting for me to pick her up in the afternoon (the one who would refuse to go in would also refuse to leave). It was chaos and heartbreaking and I considered doing half days, but it really wouldn't have helped. They both love school now (turning 5 next month) and I'm glad I pushed them at the right time.

HubbleBubbles · 04/11/2016 19:38

Well, mine both went - DD was ready at 3.5 and took to it like a duck to water. DS started Nursery at 2 because I needed to go back to work - the first few weeks were awful but he did settle & now he's happy in the pre-school room. I wouldn't have gone through the trauma of the first few weeks unless I HAD to though (needed to earn money!)
Swimming lessons , I did pull DD out of at 2, she cried and sobbed every week until I had a moment of clarity and never went back We've recently started again now she's 6 and she loves it. And tbh I hate seeing the younger ones sobbing their way through the lessons - it's just not necessary.
So if he's really not happy & you're not happy sending him - I say pull him out. He's not ready yet but could well be ready later in the year.
H

Starlight2345 · 04/11/2016 19:39

A couple of points..

Firstly..

MY Ds cried every morning when I left him till the day he left ..However it was open plan and he was happy before I left the building. He has never cried once since he left school.
I would say though I was getting so upset leaving him in the first place crying that he did feed off that.He was much better once he got a breezy goodbye.

Can I also suggest another option...Childminders can offer funded places.. He might find that transition an easier one.

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