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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd's bedtime

28 replies

GettingScaredNow · 02/11/2016 17:34

Ok, background
Split from abusive h in July, issues over contact ever since for various reasons. I do not restrict contact but he does not want it during reasonable hours.

His latest thing is to attack dd's bedtime . She is 4. I have her in bed for 7. She just started school, and is visibly tired and for a child that used to fuss and fight a bedtime we now have problem free bedtimes as she is shattered.
He is saying that her bedtime is earlier then needed and I have done this intentionally so he can't see her midweek.

I've offered him to take her after school and bring her back at 6 (6.30 latest) fed, or 5.30 if I'm feeding her.

Extra info: he finishes work at 2. Is home by 3. Lives 5 mins away. Wants to take her out after dinner cos he wants to rest/nap after work and pick her up at 6 for an hour.
He also has form for poor time keeping (routinely bringing her back 2+ hours late)

Aibu?
Is her bedtime ridiculously early for a 4 yr old?

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 02/11/2016 17:39

God no. 7pm is perfectly reasonable. He's an arse.

2410ang · 02/11/2016 17:39

Nope not at all. My youngest DD was 4 at the end of August and started school in September. She is shattered and falling asleep/super cranky by 6.30 so that's when we get ready for bed, in bed by 7-730.

Your ex needs to put his daughter's needs before his own. If he's tired after working a shift, he should just imagine how tired his tiny DD is after a full on day at school!

grins · 02/11/2016 17:40

It's entirely consistent with the bedtime our 4 year old has. Also just started school and very tired. I'd say the test is if she's going to bed at 7, and presumably asleep by 7:30 what time is she waking up? If it's v. early then maybe she needs less sleep but otherwise, I think you've got it spot on.

I'm afraid this just sounds like another route for your h to throw his toys.

Original poster
GettingScaredNow · 02/11/2016 17:42

She wakes up somewhere between 6.30-7am. Her gro clock sun comes up at 7. And I rarely hear from her before that time. Occasionally if she does a wee/poo and needs help so I think she is sleeping for almost 12 hours.

OP posts:
FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 02/11/2016 17:43

By Christmas of reception DS was in bed and dozing off by 6pm. Now I know that was particularly early but they do tend to get more tired as the term progresses.

YANBU at all.

Original poster
GettingScaredNow · 02/11/2016 17:44

Great. Thanks.

We have mediation next week and I just know he will have stored up loads of ammo to throw at me.

I've requested shuttle mediation so we won't be in the same room and he's already grumpy about that

OP posts:
grins · 02/11/2016 17:47

If that's when she's waking up, I think you've got it spot on - she clearly needs the sleep.

Good luck with the mediation - try to stay calm and remember that his selfishness will shine through.

ijustwannadance · 02/11/2016 17:47

Why can't he just go to bed earlier if he's so bloody tired.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/11/2016 17:49

YANBU. Kids just started school nearly all need an early night. He's (supposedly) an adult - he can go without his nap if he wants to see her after school.

mygorgeousmilo · 02/11/2016 17:49

There should be plenty of studies to print out about the amount of sleep children need. Consistency is also very important, so mention that in regards to bedtime at mediation. We just got a sheet sent home from school about the importance of sleep. FWIW my 6,5, and 3yo all go to bed at 7 and wake up at 7

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 02/11/2016 17:55

My almost 9 year old is fast asleep by 7.30 so no you are definitely not BU!!!

ClopySow · 02/11/2016 18:10

My children would have been in bed by 7.30 at the latest at that age and the two hours leading up to bedtime were a trial.

Original poster
GettingScaredNow · 02/11/2016 19:34

I have 2 dc. 4 and 2. And evenings after school are often a trial.
Dd is tired and acts out from being well behaved all day. And ds is also tired and hungry and he's missed his sister etc.

Stbxh complicates things by refusing to have the dc together. Only ever one at a time! Another thing I hope to speak about in mediation!

Thanks for all replies. I'll chalk it up to another stick he has found to beat me with

OP posts:
HeCantBeSerious · 02/11/2016 19:41

My two are/were only ever asleep at that time if they're ill or just arrived in a different time zone. But if that's what works then that's what works.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/11/2016 23:36

What the hell is his excuse for not having both his kids at the same time? Can he really not cope like a normal grown up parent? Or is it a deliberate ploy so you don't get any time to yourself? Either way, it sucks and yes, you need to raise this in the mediation.

NapQueen · 02/11/2016 23:41

At the end of the day what you have arranged is in the best interests of your child.

What he proposes is arranged is in his best interests.

He is selfish and that will be evident to the mediator.

NavyandWhite · 03/11/2016 02:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/11/2016 02:32

He wants to deprive his child of sleep so he can have a nap? What a knobber. And can't have hid DC together? What a pathetic specimen.

My DD is almost 6 and in bed at 7.30pm.

tofutti · 03/11/2016 07:05

YANBU OP. Good luck with mediation.

What kind of a parent prioritises their afternoon nap over their child's bedtime? You're right, it's another stick to beat you with.

user1477282676 · 03/11/2016 07:08

If he wants to see her THAT much he could bloody pick her up from school! Then have her for tea.

He's not offering THAT is he!

Florin · 03/11/2016 07:12

My 4 year old used to go to bed at 7 now have had to bring it forward to about 6:30. It is gone 7am now and he is still fast asleep so I will have to wake him for school soon. To be honest it is beyond me why he would want to take her out so late. If she is anything like my son he is so tired after school and from about 5 extremely emotional so that anything will set him off. We have dinner at 4:30 then quiet time from 5 onwards playing quiet toys, reading books and a bit of tv time no way would he be going out the house and hour before bedtime-he would be in his pyjamas for a start!

shrunkenhead · 03/11/2016 07:34

When my dd started school she'd fall asleep on the sofa/floor/wherever and I had to wake her to eat her tea at 5pm! He's being unreasonable.

clare2307 · 03/11/2016 07:40

So he is prioritising his own need to sleep/rest over his 4 years olds and won't look after both his children at the same time?!! What an arse.

I think 7pm is a reasonable bedtime if that's what she needs. It's not like you are putting her to bed at 5.30 and saying he can't see her at all. He needs to put her needs first, not his own, like any decent parent would.

ErrolTheDragon · 03/11/2016 08:54

If a family court orders contact arrangements for a nonresident parent, isn't it supposed to be all about the needs of the child not the parent? Maybe this guy has a false belief of his 'rights'v

Squashberry · 03/11/2016 10:02

You're not being unreasonable at all. He's not being fair and he needs to put his child first before himself and stick to HER routine, not his. My oldest DC is 7 and we aim for a 7pm bedtime, although usually ends up being half 7-oops.

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