AIBU to be angry/ disappointed about this? Hen party related

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I am getting married in March next year and a relatively close friend is getting married soon before.

We met through work about three years ago and speak very regularly. I am already going to her hen and have paid an extortionate amount of money (£450) for one night in the UK. We have another mutual friend who couldn't go to this girl's hen and she moaned and moaned and bitched about that girl not going and still does saying she won't make the effort etc.

A bit of background on the friendship- this girl has been almost insistent we become very close saying she thinks of me as her best friend etc. I thought it was sweet and I do really like her but it was slightly OTT. Anyway...

I am getting my hen sorted for Jan. It's two nights in the UK but people can go for one night if they want to. My bridesmaids sent an email with details last night and this girl has sent me a message saying she doesn't know if she can make it because she may be on a spa weekend with her sister. It's not booked.

My hen is cheaper than hers, and considering she bitched about our other mutual friend for weeks for not going to her hen AIBU to be angry about this and consider re thinking the whole friendship?

I can understand the frustration at the double standards. It would piss me off too. But I would call her out on it if she mentions the friend not attending hers again.

I think if you pull out of her hen do after she has said she can't come to yours she and the others will start talking about how you aren't going just because she won't go to yours. If you don't care (which I wouldn't) then don't go. But if you are worried about that possibility then you need to come up with a bloody good reason, that means you can't go and can say in advance as to not pay?

I wouldn't worry too much as it doesn't sound as if you like her much anyway. How old is she anyway? I stopped telling people they were my 'best friend' when I was about seven...

what on earth costs £450 each for one evening? are you sure you're not all paying for the wedding or the honeymoon? It is a ridiculous amount of money.

I know the bridesmaid wouldn't be taking money off us that wasn't for the hen I just think she planned a lot of expensive activities and the accommodation is expensive. We are also paying for the bride's share of everything.

Also can people stop passively aggressively saying I obviously don't like her as I very much do- it's only when you actually really like someone and then their behaviour lets you down that you feel disappointed. If I didn't really like her I wouldn't care.

YANBU. Totally see where you are coming from here, what a let down and it's not really about the money. That said the only way to deal with these situations us not to let it touch the sides. There will be people that cant make your wedding and hen, let you know last minute or not at all. The only way to respond is "A shame I won't get to see you, look forward to catching up soon" and believe it! Seriously though I need to hear what you do one a £450 night in, what are these activities?! Rolling in gold dust?!

I think you do like her, in fact it seems you like her so much that you don't want to say anything and rock the boat. It doesn't seem like a balanced friendship because she's not being reciprocating while you're bending over backwards.

I cannot understand what they are doing that is £450 for one night?!?

I went on a one nighter on a private yacht in London with a private chef and cocktails and a shed load of booze and it was £180. £450?!?

congeniality

Yes I think that's what had only come to light today- it's not a balanced relationship. It's galling and a bit embarrassing when you realise you are actually more invested in a friendship than the other party, and yes that's why I haven't wanted to rock the boat because I wanted to protect the friendship.

MadHatter. For as long as I can remember a NORMAL do was a night out perhaps meal or a pub followed a cheesy local club. Hen/stags have really lost all proportion.

Good luck OP

Well that's what I thought KC!

I can't understand the logic of asking your mates to shell out loads of money/give up a weekend/arrange childcare/buy new outfits....to celebrate the fact you're getting married....before the actual day itself....when they have to do that all over again

Is it perhaps that chef/bartender/whoever charge on a per-evening basis for their services? (I dunno as it's never occurred toe to hire someone like that). I wonder if that means the costs are going up every time someone drops out; hence why you keep being asked for more money and she's stressed about friends not attending?

I would be very upset about her turning down the invitation for such a lame reason. If she was a good friend I'd try to put it down to "weddings make people crazy". I would be contacting the hen do organiser for an explanation of why costs keep going up and perhaps ask if she can trim the plans to avoid bankrupting attendees

YANBU to be upset by her contradictory attitude.

Is her hen do at The Ritz???

Have you called her hen do venue to check the costs?

I'm just totally gobsmacked at a night out, which seems to consist of a fancy meal and a bed for the night, going from £170 to £450 with no real explanation as to why.

I was only half joking with my Ritz comment by the way. £4,500 from 10 guests at £450 each would probably pay for a lovely suite in a very naice hotel with highly qualified and recognised chefs.

There could be other reasons here, as in she spent all her money on the wedding and can't afford it, you never know. Maybe yours sounds better and she is jealous. Who knows, I wouldn't be overly harsh and just let it go, do uou really care?

Not sure why people are ignoring the real question of your thread and the fact that you've pointed out numerous times it's the double standards that are annoying, not the fact that she can't attend! I would also be annoyed, YANBU.

I think I would have to call her out next time she bitches about the other girl and ask her what the difference is to her missing yours!

£450?
A two day hen do?
YABothBU

As for the double standards, yes, she is BU. Is she usually like that or does she have Bridezilla-itis? A very sensible friend of mine has gone batshit over her wedding, describing it as "the event of her life" and it's not until next June. This is going to be a lonnngggggg year.

She's basically having her own hen party paid for and all the activities. My hen cost 80 a night to Edinburgh which include hotel and accomdation. My SIL organised an activitity which people paid for as a surprise but I paid my way. I would bow out depending on when it is, although the other party members would be annoyed as they would have to soak up your costs.

Out of interest how much is your hen do costing?

My hen do will be dependent on what people opt in and out of. Some are only coming for one night or only for the meal so it can be the price of a night out or a weekend in a hotel. I'm paying all my own way.

Yeah this is why I just had a meal for my hen

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

If she's unsure it's best for her to state so now than drop out later or let her sister down.

However, considering shemade suvh a song and a dance about her hen foots understandable why you'd be thinking WTF!

I'd just say OK then and just enjoy the hen without her - I'm sure you'll still have fun.

It's understandable even.

So your friend gets a free bridesmaid party paid for by others? What's the betting she has told all these other girls they are her best friends too?

Are you able to invent a clash and get the bulk of the money back?

Turning down your hen do for a non-existent spa weekend is shitty.

Maybe she simply doesn't want to give two nights up, there's no way I'd use three days holiday to go on a hen do. They are getting more and more silly, a night isn't giood enough it has the be X nights.

You both sound over invested in hen dos and weddings and as bad as each other.

Is she a little bit jealous possibly? She considers herself your best friend but another friend - presumably one you are closer to - is making the arrangements so she's choosing to be difficult. That's my guess and I agree YANBU. Double standards on her part.

Price probably keeps going up because people are dropping out and you all need to pay their share.

Id be upset too op. I think I'd say something to her, 'I'm a bit upset you are not coming to my hen party, I thought you put a lot of importance on attending of hen parties in a friendship'. Or something more tactful.