AIBU to be angry/ disappointed about this? Hen party related

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I am getting married in March next year and a relatively close friend is getting married soon before.

We met through work about three years ago and speak very regularly. I am already going to her hen and have paid an extortionate amount of money (£450) for one night in the UK. We have another mutual friend who couldn't go to this girl's hen and she moaned and moaned and bitched about that girl not going and still does saying she won't make the effort etc.

A bit of background on the friendship- this girl has been almost insistent we become very close saying she thinks of me as her best friend etc. I thought it was sweet and I do really like her but it was slightly OTT. Anyway...

I am getting my hen sorted for Jan. It's two nights in the UK but people can go for one night if they want to. My bridesmaids sent an email with details last night and this girl has sent me a message saying she doesn't know if she can make it because she may be on a spa weekend with her sister. It's not booked.

My hen is cheaper than hers, and considering she bitched about our other mutual friend for weeks for not going to her hen AIBU to be angry about this and consider re thinking the whole friendship?

Maybe she doesn't fancy doing what you're planning.

I don't like going to spas- I ducked out of a hen last year as I'm not chucking hard earned cash and an entire weekend to do something I hate.

It's fair enough in my opinion.

Ask for a refund, you can't make it, unforeseen expenses and you need your share back. She doesn't sound like much of a friend and you sound like you don't like her enough to spend £450 on for one night in.

Whole thing is madness!

FlyingElbows

I agree with you. I've been cut up about wasting that money on this, and have been very stressed about it. As I explained it wasn't made clear at the beginning.

Now I wish I had been brave enough to say "I'm sorry this is becoming too expensive for me" but because of how she had been about our other friend I felt that would jeopardise our friendship.

If I'd known how she would have been about this I would have done things very differently.

*Brave enough to say...

Felt under pressure...*

Op I hope this is a lesson learnt

You are an adult

No is an answer

And for those saying it sounds like I don't like her- I do- it's just all this hen party madness that's made me question things. Until she threw her toys out of the Oram for one friend not attending hers and then said she wasn't attending mine I had no problem with her at all.

I think I remember your last thread where you were upset about the rising cost of the hen do and weren't sure if you should pay more? I guess you ended up paying more and there's no way out now? This friend of yours sound really out of touch with reality but you enabled her by agreeing to pay £450! That's so crazy I can't even.

She doesn't seem like a good enough friend because you can't be honest to her.

FOUR HUNDRED AND WHAT NOW?

That's a week away somewhere in the sun!

You are mad.

I have missed the piont of the thread haven't I?

mscongeniality

Yes that's right, I'd already committed by spending a lot so paid the rest, foolishly it seems. The sunken costs fallacy.

If you are that 'competitive' about your hen dos what will you both be like when it comes to your weddings.

Ridiculous.

How am I being competitive about anything? Have you red the thread?

i feel like the only one thinking you are definitely not being unreasonable ...i would be angry too!! That whole spa weekend is a joke, if its not booked then they can have it another weekend... you get a weekend every week but you are probably only going to get 1 hen night in your life.

If it had come to the day and she was feeling unwell or she really didnt have the money etc then fair enough, but she has used a very lame excuse and im wondering if there is actually another reason ....you should talk it out with her, just say how its made you feel ... that you feel upset you went to her hen do and she is making excuses not to go to yours.

unlike these other posters To be honest, doesn't sound like the person i would want to be friends with.
and im sure they wouldnt if they wer ACTUALLY going through it.

Thank you Darcychu that's exactly how I feel.

I'm not being a bridezilla at all and I'm not being competitive It's about the fact I have been willing to make a huge effort for her and she can't or won't extend me the same courtesy, or even bother to come up with a plausible excuse.

As others have said, it's an invite. You go or you don't. If someone says they can't make it, yes it's fine to be a bit upset and disappointed even, but not to reconsider a friendship.
I didn't have a proper hen night. My mum had got me tickets to a theatre show as my birthday present. So that was fine. It just literally so happened that my wedding day ended up being the very day after our night out (the night out was planned way before the wedding). So I treated the theatre as a birthday present and hen night combined. I stuck a bride to be sash on and had a night out with just me and my mum, that was my hen night.

How am I being competitive about anything? Have you red the thread?

Yes thank you.

It all seems ridiculous shrug

My best friend had a young baby so she can't go, that's obviously fine and I wouldn't expect her to go a baby is more important than a hen do!

Another close friend is already away that weekend and it was booked before I have her the dates- no drama obviously.

But this friend has nothing booked yet she expected everyone at hers and was very angry when someone didn't go.

I can see why you're so irritated - and that it's about the double standards.

However, YABU to get yourself so upset about it. As I see it, you have a number of options:

1. Point out her double standard and be prepared for the fall out
2. Suck it up and put it down to a better understanding of her personality and of the necessity to be able to say no.
3. Cancel going to hers and see how much you can negotiate to get back.

But don't get so worked up about it. It really isn't worth it.

Your last sentence sums it up move it

What do you want to do?

This isn't about the money that the OP has spent on the friend's hen night though. It is about the fact she has gone out of her way to still attend in the name of being a supportive friend, even when her better judgement went against it. The then, so called BFF, couldn't even be arsed to attend the OP's hen on the basis that she may be going elsewhere to something she hasn't booked with the sister that she lives with and sees every day of the week.

OP, YANBU! - if it were me I could cancel your place on her hen, try and get as much money back as possible and take a hit on the rest and the friendship.

This is classic Bridezilla behaviour.

Oh my days, I had to pay £180 for a hen do this year that was in my own city and with no overnight stay - the MOH had planned so many activities that we didn't really get to enjoy any of them. We had to leave early every time, including 35 minutes in a spa when we'd paid for a full day.

Anyway, OP, I wouldn't get too caught up in it. She might just want attention so don't give in, just make sure you thoroughly enjoy both hens!

The thing is OP, of course you are not being unreasonable to be upset about this.
But you don't seem to be able to stand up to this friend and express your feelings? Why can't you tell her that you are upset she can't make an effort for yours when you've made such an effort for hers? That's what I would do if it was someone who I was close enough to. And I'm assuming you consider her a close friend since you've spent so much to attend her hen night.

You're right I have a problem asserting myself here. I think it's because I'm so shocked because I'm close with this friend and we have spoken at length about how angry she was with our other friend for not "making the effort" so I'm actually a bit stunned.

Why are you allowing yourself to be pressured by someone you don't truly like? ridiculous.

Text back with this:

"Sorry you can't make my Hen, but I totally understand. Actually, I am really struggling with money at the minute, what with my own wedding coming up, so I'm afraid I've decided I really can't afford to attend your Hen. Please can the Chief bridesmaid refund £450 to my account (sortcode/account no) as soon as possible? Thanks so much"

I cannot think of anything you could do in one night, that would cost £450 a head. Are you sure the Chief Bridesmaid isn't skimming off the top?

I would ask about pulling out of her hen. If it is a night in most things will have been based on a per head basis so it won't affect the cost to others if you are not there. The price for the accommodation is probably lost but better than throwing good money after bad.
If your friend questions it, just say planning your own has put the cost into perspective and that to be honest all the extra cost hikes are outrageous.
That said you were advised on your previous thread to voice your discontent and you obviously didn't. If people are walking all over you but you refuse to stop them, you cannot then moan about it afterwards! "I don't like confrontation" is not a get out of acting like an adult card. No one likes confrontation! But most prefer it to being treated like a doormat!

Your friend has been really really out of order here, I can completely see why you are upset. She must be quite thoughtless anyway to have such an expensive hen in the first place in hindsight.
If there is any way to get out of her hen I would do it now, otherwise, you'll have to suck it up, learn from it, and bear in mind what sort of a friend she is for the future.