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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want another baby

83 replies

needasmartnn · 01/11/2016 22:18

Don't want to drip feed but don't want to be too identifying either. Me and DH have been going through a bit of a rough patch and he's now decided to tell me he doesn't ever want another baby. We had decided on one more if it happened naturally (and by that I mean not putting massive effort into getting pregnant just no birth control and if it happens it happens)
Again without outing myself I fully believe the reason we don't already have one is because he has been unfaithful in the last 7 years and we were trying to get back on track for the other DC. I truly feel if this hadn't happened then we would have already had the baby I desperately want.
But now I feel like I'm not going to be able to get past this rough patch knowing it's never going to happen, and I'm just going to end up resentful.
DH has other DC from previous relationships and is kind of using this as a bargaining tool saying he 'has enough' which I may possibly have accepted if this had been the deal all along. It becoming the deal now has floored me. AIBU to consider ending my marriage over this? I'm really really upset but I know if I do he'll blame me saying I'm putting myself before our other DC.
If I am BU maybe an outside neutral opinion will help me shake off this sinking feeling in my heart Sad

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/11/2016 23:17

Or is she very bitter because he cheated on her and then walked away to start another family with a younger woman?

Not saying anything against you, but if he treated her like he is treating you and she tried to make it work, only for him to fuck off and start a nice new life.......there is batshit and then there is fucking angry. Also, not trying to excuse anything she has done, just trying to explain that what he is saying may not be entirely accurate.

Munstermonchgirl · 01/11/2016 23:18

I advise being quite calculating and detached about it: write a list of all the pros and cons of leaving him

that will help you decide

But don't leave assuming you will meet someone else who will be a fabulous father to this next child. It may not happen. Or you may meet the love of your life but can't fall pregnant. Separate the desire for a baby from the issue of your dhs infidelity and dishonesty

Scrumptiousbears · 01/11/2016 23:18

You need to decided if this is the real reason you want out or just the last straw. By ending it there is no guarantee you'll have another child with anyone else however if the resentment will kill the relationship then it's over anyway.

RB68 · 01/11/2016 23:20

He is using the idea of another child to punish you. It sounds like he wants out and is being PA and EA about making you make that decision by saying the thing he knows will hurt you the most. Unhook from the child issue and make decisions based on the relationship and his attitude and how things are. This is about him not you, it sounds like he doesn't want to try to make things work anymore, the not having another child is a part of that but he knows that will hurt you enough to make the decision, I would pull back from that and ask him specifically what he wants to happen going forwards, if that is what you want and you can somehow deal with the no third child (through counseling or whatever you need) then you can make your decision based on that leaving out the emotional turmoil around the third child.

I had one like this and one night I had an epiphany around something he said that was so screwed up it was ridiculous (he actually told me he didn't want children with me as I would waddle when pregnant!!!!) that I realised that it was about him and him being unable to express things he wanted so he was pushing me the best way he knew how to make the decision for him as he didn't want that responsibility!

Original poster
needasmartnn · 01/11/2016 23:22

He certainly did NOT leave his ex wife for me!! I'd never clapped eyes on him when they split up!!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 01/11/2016 23:23

You both know it was always one sided, 'he hoped it would never happen' you probably knew that was how he felt deep down.
At least he's finally been honest....time to make some decisions

Bogeyface · 01/11/2016 23:24

You need to decided if this is the real reason you want out or just the last straw

Good call.

Sounds to me like this is less about having a baby per se, but just the last straw on a very heavy load.

Bogeyface · 01/11/2016 23:25

need If my post gave the impression that I thought that then I apologise, thats not what I meant at all. I meant that if he cheated on her as he has on you, and she tried to make it work as you have and then he fucked off then she may well be angry. As you are now.

Original poster
needasmartnn · 01/11/2016 23:26

I know it was one sided now. I haven't done for a few years and I feel like a fool

OP posts:
Original poster
needasmartnn · 01/11/2016 23:29

TBH I have no interest in his ex wife. However I'd have no sympathy for her either because her behaviour where her dc are concerned is abhorrent. I have had no contact whatsoever with her for a long time because of her behaviour and how I feel for her kids

OP posts:
TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 01/11/2016 23:29

Well, if he said it during an argument, maybe he said it 'in the heat of the moment'. Ask him again when you make up. People often say things in anger that they don't mean.

In order for the marriage to work and if you are staying, you need to move past the resentment of his last affair. How old are you? IF you do leave him, do you have time to meet someone else and have another baby?

Bogeyface · 01/11/2016 23:30

Ok. Sorry

OlennasWimple · 01/11/2016 23:34

Decide if you want to continue your marriage

Decide if you want to have a baby more than continue your marriage

ollieplimsoles · 01/11/2016 23:41

Sorry op sounds like you have had a really rough ride. Flowers

I cant tell you what to do but I know I couldn't tuck my kids in every night then climb into bed next to a man I knew had been unfaithful like that. Id get out now

Original poster
needasmartnn · 01/11/2016 23:49

I'm 29

OP posts:
Original poster
needasmartnn · 01/11/2016 23:51

Probably sounds really immature I just know I'll end up hating him for dropping this bomb on me like this after I was good enough to forgive him. I've been an idiot I know I just don't want people to think I'm a selfish mother because my kids are my world Sad

OP posts:
Isetan · 02/11/2016 00:17

Is this a relationship you really want to bring another child into? A baby will not distract you from a poor relationship and your focus appears to be about a baby instead of the quality of man you want a baby with.

This is who he is and his continued dishonesty is a character trait that ain't going anywhere anytime soon. Leave now or wait until the resentment corrodes you relationship to the point of no return but either way, trust has deserted the relationship and when that goes the writing is truly on the wall.

PuppetInParadize · 02/11/2016 00:21

Has he misled you (about wanting another child) or has he changed his mind? He is allowed to change his mind, like anyone is. If you don't want to stay with him (you've given 2 reasons already why that might be a good move) then you should feel free to end the marriage. You have to ask yourself how much you want to remain married to this man. Only you can know this.

Bogeyface · 02/11/2016 00:22

He is laying the shit on you to keep you where he wants you, at home forgiving his every transgression.

If your marriage ends it wont be your fault, it will be his for cheating in the first place. All the problems you have had to deal with have come fromt that. And if anyone did ask why your marriage ended you dont have to tell them but you could say "He had an affair". Thats what it comes down to after all.

He is being selfish, by expecting you to bring your kids up in an unhappy marriage just because it suits him. Try focussing on that.

SheldonCRules · 02/11/2016 07:24

Maybe he doesn't want a seventh, thats a whole lot of resources being used not to mention most don't earn enough to support that many.

He is allowed to change his mind, forcing someone to have a child is very wrong no matter how you try and justify it.

Maybe he is the sensible one and can see he's being used for another child or feels it wrong to bring another child into a relationship with issues. Maybe it's money and some space. More reasons against that for in this situation.

Your wants don't trump his.

heron98 · 02/11/2016 07:28

It isn't wrong of him to not want another baby, just as it's not wrong of you to want me.

I assume you already have one? Can you not see that as a compromise?

Only1scoop · 02/11/2016 08:08

Blimey I hadn't read he already has Six, reason enough I would think....he doesn't wan't a SEVENTH DC

Only1scoop · 02/11/2016 08:09

I don't know many families that could afford a seventh DC to be honest, perhaps the thought of it scares him to death.

expatinscotland · 02/11/2016 08:57

You have time to find someone else and have another child.

Original poster
needasmartnn · 02/11/2016 09:02

I'm not sure where people have got seven DC from - we have two and he has two from a previous relationship

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